The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Dramatic,

If you audition frequently, you must know that you will not be cast in every play. We must choose who will fit in the play. Considering we were holding auditions for the Children's Theater performance of The Sound Of Music, there were many children in attendance, and your performance of "Dance Ten, Looks Three" from A Chorus Line while wearing a see-through bikini was...highly inappropriate, at the very least, you should be grateful we merely had you escorted out and not arrested.

I do know that Lively Arts Theater across town is holding auditions for Hair, and Downtown Theater is holding auditions for The Rocky Horror Show. Your performance might go over better at either of those two venues.

Break a leg!
Sincerely,
Ry Sing-Starr, manager
Pop Star Auditions

* * * * *

Dear Paint Store,

I was at the park and wanted to sit down. I saw a bench, threw away some silly sign that was propped up there, and sat down, and now I've got your paint all over my clothes! I demand compensation! You'd better give me $100,000 for a whole new wardrobe or I'll see you in court!

Sincerely,
Kent Readsigns

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Readsigns

Our lovely lemon yellow signs catch everyone's eyes. As do our scarlet letters that declare "Don't sit there!" One of our employees saw the aquamarine suit you were wearing, straight from the 70's, she said. Sitting on the paint greatly improved your suit, giving it mahogany stripes. We won't be giving you any money, but we would like to take your picture. We've a big book full of people who our paint has really helped.

Artfully yours,

Miss Crayola Prang,

Manager of Rainbow On Your Window.

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Dear Mal-Mart,

How dare you call the police on me? You should have thanked me for spending over a thousand dollars, in cash, in your store! Instead, you call the cops on me. How dare you? I've done nothing wrong. My money's just as good as everyone else's - in fact, it's better!

I made my money on the . . . I mean, through the hard labor and toil of my employees. I demand that you withdraw your complaint! If you refuse, I'll go yo your store and replace every bill you have there with fake bills! I know exactly how to do it and one of my . . . best friends works for your store and has access to your safe!

Signed

Count Erfeit.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Erfeit,

What you did was illegal and the complaint won't be withdrawn. Also, your friend is aware of the situation and he will not access the safe for you.

Sincerely,

C. Ashbill
Manager



Dear Computer Company,

Where do you get off sending an unattractive man to help me? I wanted someone handsome to come help me set up the wireless on my laptop so I could fall for him. I demand you send me a handsome man that's single. If you don't, I will put a virus on my laptop.

Sincerely,

Anita Date

[catcul]

Dear Miss Date,

We at Digits Repair, LLC, hire the best guys to repair computer problems. We do not discriminate due to looks. We will send the technician who is available. If you put a virus on your laptop, we will charge you if you want it removed.

Sincerely,

Al Digit, Digits Repair, LLC

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Dear Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company,

How dare you sell me a defective cake? Last week, I bought an ice cream cake for my son's fifth birthday. I picked it up about four hours before the party and it looked great. When the party started, I went to take it out of the oven. My cake turned into a disgusting pile of goo. Obviously, this cake was defective.

I demand that you refund my money immediately or I will tell everyone how you sell defective ice cream cakes.

Sincerely,

Duane Calor

[XCashier]

Dear Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company,

How dare you sell me a defective cake? Last week, I bought an ice cream cake for my son's fifth birthday. I picked it up about four hours before the party and it looked great. When the party started, I went to take it out of the oven. My cake turned into a disgusting pile of goo. Obviously, this cake was defective.

I demand that you refund my money immediately or I will tell everyone how you sell defective ice cream cakes.

Sincerely,

Duane Calor

(Hee hee! I remember that story! )

Dear Mr. Calor,

All of our ice cream cake boxes are clearly marked "Keep Frozen; Keep Away From Heat". Why would you, upon receiving a box marked "Keep Frozen" put the contents in the oven?! What part of "ice cream cake" don't you understand?!

You will not be receiving any refund; however, I am sending you a brochure for a very good remedial reading teacher. You can clearly use her services.

Sincerely,
K. Ken Icecream, owner,
Frozen Treats Ice Cream Company

*****

Dear Morbid Mansion,

I took my family to your place for a good fun Halloween. You frightened my children! My little two and four-year-old kids now have nightmares after seeing realistic zombies, vampires and witches and hearing blood-curdling screams! How dare you frighten children like that! I demand a full refund and $10,000,000 for therapy for my little darlings for the rest of their lives.

Sincerely,
Stu Pidparent

[catcul]

(Hee hee! I remember that story! )

(I didn't know about that story. I got the idea from here. )

Dear Pidparent,

I told you before you before that the haunted house I operate can frighten small children. We even have a sign that says this house may not be appropriate for children under 13. Everything that we do, we try to be as realistic as possible. If you want to celebrate Halloween in a more age appropriate way for a four-year-old and a two-year-old, I would suggest looking up "Scary Scavenger Hunt" or asking the local party store for ideas. Don't worry, I doubt that Garfield will scare children.

Sincerely,

Vlad Lovecraft

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Dear Family Mart,

I called up your store because my girl and me wanted to spice up our love life. I was asking about getting a vibrator from your store. I believe that rude employee that answered the phone was laughing at me. First, he suggested that you have back massagers. I told him that I wanted something for lower on the body. That when he suggested foot massagers. I told him I didn't want to go that low. He then suggested that I could use the back massager for a leg massage as long as I didn't sit on it. I wanted something between the legs. That's when he suggested that I try the internet.

I don't want to wait that long for a vibrator. I suggest that you carry vibrators and retrain that guy answering the phones.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

(Yes, this is a case of catcul being shameless, again.)

[Kristev]

OOC: Mr. Pidparent must be a cousin to Mr. Lackinal Judgment, pg

BIC: Dear Mr. Rection,

We don't cater to filth here. This is a family store. Down & Dirty is two blocks away, and they'll happily meet your wishes. We will, however, sell you the antibiotics you'll require afterwards at our pharmacy.

Signed,

Anna Propriate.

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Dear Wonder-works cosmetics company,

I do my best to blend in to any situation, since I'm a professional thief who makes a killing because nobody notices me unless I want them to. And one of the best ways I've found to blend in is with your Literal Vanishing Cream. I ordered some of your top-notch vanishing cream, and it worked. I used it to make myself completely invisible. I even smothered my bag with your stuff, and it vanished, too, so I know your stuff works! Then I went right down to Heavenly Bill's clothing & jewelery and helped myself to all the merchandise I liked. But then I saw this dress and I just had to have it. But the cream would ruin it, so instead, I put the dress on and started acting like a ghost, scaring everyone I came across and making them all flee.

But then some meddlesome woman at the perfume counter sprayed me in the face with a bottle of perfume when I passed her, and your vanishing cream washed off of my face!

Naturally I had to flee before everyone saw me for who I really was, but unfortunately, now that they knew I wasn't a ghost, they sent their security guard after me. He caught me at the door, and forced me to give up my bag. They confiscated everything I had put in there, and dragged me to a sprinkler.

Then the security guard flicked his lighter right under the sprinkler and it washed away all of the cream, ruining the dress anyway and exposing me, literally, for all to see.

I am so embarrassed, and so angry! I demand that you send me a lifetime supply of your vanishing cream, as well as providing me a lawyer and bail money to get out of this cell so I can go back to Heavenly Bill's and reclaim my rightful property! If you don't, I will go straight your corporate headquarters and steal all your recipes for your cosmetics. I just know your rivals will gladly pay dearly to get access to your secrets, and you will pay dearly to prevent them from getting it, so shall we make a deal, or do I have to give myself the five-finger discount with you people? Because it was your lousy cream that got me in to this, and you people will get me out, or else I'll get out and then I'll get you!

Signed,

Miss Cammie Leon, master of invisibility, disguise, and camouflage.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Leon,

What you did was illegal. Therefore, you won't be getting anything except a possible prison sentence.

Sincerely,

C. Osmetic
Makeup Manager



Dear State Prison Warden,

Where do you get off denying my parole? All I did was fill out the form with fictional answers. I demand you grant my parole at once. If you don't, I will dump the leftover food on the clean laundry.

Sincerely,

Miss Denied

[catcul]

Dear Miss Denied,

You admitted that you falsified your parole request form, and you threatened to damage public property. That is why you were denied parole. Just consider yourself lucky we don't charge you with perjury.

Sincerely,

Yale Schlage

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Dear Adam Mansbach,

I just saw your book, "You Have to Fking Eat." No, I don't need to fking eat. I just ate dammit. Also, don't tell me to go the fk to sleep. I will go to sleep when I'm fking ready. If you don't stop telling me what to fking, I will tell you to get the fk off the fking internet.

Fk you,

Quen-Tan Tara-Tino

[purplecat41877]

Dear Quen-Tan Tara-Tino,

You need to eat and sleep in order to live but you can decide when to do those things. Also, I would suggest toning down the language.

Sincerely,

Adam Mansbach



Dear Fictionpress.com Owner,

Where do you get off allowing my 8 year old daughter to read "Revenge of the Exgirlfriend" (NSFW/NSFC)? She ended up having nightmares after reading that story. I demand you remove that story at once. If you don't, I will hack into your website and remove any stories that are inappropriate for my daughter.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Reader

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Reader,

Where do you get off allowing your 8-year-old daughter on the internet? You are not supposed to let anyone under the age of 13 on the internet. However, if you are going to let your daughter on the internet, I would suggest programs like "Net Nanny" or "Cyber Sitter." If you do hack our website, we will report you to the FBI.

Sincerely,

"Purple" Catherine Righter

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Dear City Police Dept.,

I was talking to my neighbor who was in a van when this red SUV drove up and almost hit me. When the police man behind him pulled up, he stopped and talked to me and my neighbor in the van. When we went into the nearby parking lot, he muttered things like "dangerous situation" and "impeding the flow of traffic. He said that we should consider ourselves lucky since we didn't get hit by a car and he issued us a warning instead of ticketing us for $500.

Why didn't he go after the maniac in the SUV? That guy had to be going at least 30 miles per hour. Why don't you go after people like him so it will be safer for people like me to stand in the middle of the street.

Sincerely,

Almos Flattilla

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Almos T. Flattilla,
The officer, Luther "Suitcase" Simpson, was correct in citing you for impeding the flow of traffic, as you were discussing your affairs on Main Street in the midst of the day.
As you have required the Paradise, Massachusetts, Police Department to waste precious time, you will find a citation for your actions enclosed.

Enjoy.
Chief Jesse Stone
Paradise Police

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To the programmers of Craptivision Games
I have a beef with your latest game, Left Alive X. EVERYONE knows the zombie genre is complete BS, and the fact "Illness-Induced Zombie Pandemic 38" was a box-office bomb proves it.
Also, you people REALLY need to go back to school! AK 47 and M16 rifles did not exist in 1700s Salem, Massachusetts!!
WTF?!
Also, WHY did you even bother putting the "Parental Advisory" label on the box when you know --and COUNT ON-- parents are just going to buy the game for their 8 year olds anyway?!
Stu P. Idgamer

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Idgamer,

First of all, we here at Captovision Games don't appreciate your misspelling of our company name. As for our game "Left Alive X," this is a time travel adventure in which the villain tries to take over the world by going back to 1776 and conquering the 13 colonies. That's why there are AK-47 and M16 rifles in 1776 Salem, Massachusetts. Also, the ESRB has put a Mature rating so that the Federal Government doesn't breathe down our necks again.

Sincerely,

Steven Romero

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Dear Rainbow Day Care,

How dare you fire me? After I was supposed to get off, I was showing the children my new laptop. I decided to entertain them by playing my favorite fighting game, "Bloody Rekoning." The next day, I was called into the office. You muttered something about "inappropriate" and "giving the children nightmares." I don't see a problem. The children were enjoying themselves.

I was going to threaten you, but I realize that extortion is illegal. So, I reported you for all the pirated software that you're using. Good luck in the upcoming lawsuits.

Sincerely,

"Natzo" Stu P. Idgamer

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Idgamer,

Son, you know I tried my whole life to shelter you from such things as games like that, but once you turned eighteen, I decided it was time to let you make your own decisions.

And when you needed a job, I hired you here. I thought you were really showing maturity working as the janitor here. But then, as I was opening up the daycare for the day, Miss Shielder finds you showing the children that game! Yes, they did enjoy themselves, but that's not the point. That kind of graphic violence isn't healthy. We spend all day that day with four incidents of repeat violence imitating the things they saw in that game, with one kid almost needing to go to the hospital if Mrs. Hawk hadn't seen what was happening and intervened in time.

Son, how can you claim I am making use of pirated software when it all came from you? Or did you not realize that I had your sister install video cameras in every room? If anyone is going to prison, it's going to be you. That breaks my heart, son. I tried my best, but I'm afraid it's a case of nature against nurture, after all. Maybe going to jail will be the making of you, but more likely, it'll only make you a lost cause. I tried, honey. I tried.

Sincerely,

Dr. Scarlet Lavender Peacock, ex wife of Stu P. Idgamer Sr.

Child psychologist & owner of Rainbow Day Care.
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Dear Specific Mills,

I went to the Great Granary Grocery, and bought a box of your Cinnamon Surprise cereal, which tastes just like cinnamon toast and has a wonderful surprise in every box. Well, I got there and found there were only two boxes left, one of them in the hands of a little boy.

Since your promotion was that one out of every thousand boxes will contain money, with one box containing one million dollars, I had to take my chance. I took the box the boy had, only to have his mother take it back from me when she heard her son crying. We got into a tug of war resulting in the box breaking apart all over the floor. There was nothing but a Sharkwoman figurine in the mess, so I just took the box I could still get, and all the boxes from that woman's cart while she tended to her son, and left.

In those boxes, I found a gift card for five free song downloads, a coupon for a free ice cream cone, a figurine of Sharkwoman's archenemy, Dr. Pollution, and one hundred dollars.

One hundred dollars? And all that useless junk? That's not right! I want my million dollars! I demand that you give me a million dollars, and a lifetime supply of Cinnamon Surprise, for all the aggravation I have had to go through trying to get that million dollars.

If you don't, I will go to every store in town and open every box until I find my million, and then I will sue you for failing to put the million dollars in any box. And I'll win! Remember McDonalds and the Monopoly lawsuit?

Signed,

Midas Flintheart,

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Flintheart,

Several customers buy this cereal so your chances of getting a million are pretty slim. As for the million dollars, you'll just have to find the right box which might take a while and there's a chance that someone else might get the box with the million dollars.

Sincerely,

Gen Eral
Manager



Dear Mattress Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was spray paint the prices on the mattresses. I demand you drop the charges and hire me to work at your store. If you don't, I will send a fictional termination letter to the employee that caught me spray painting the mattresses.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Spraypainter