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The End Of My Leash is Nearing
Ugh, save me from the sales deadlines. I can't take it anymore. ><
I must admit the end of my leash came very close this week. There was almost a most terrible rant here. But I took a deep breath and swallowed it. I likely would have Fratching'd myself otherwise.
Other time perhaps...
Wishful Thinking
SC: “I know I’ve ordered them before. But I’ve never won anything. I’ve ordered so many times. Does that matter? Do you get more of a chance if you ordered before?”
So what you’re suggesting is a mechanism by which every tragic loss you have suffered can contribute forward to a potential win in the future? A sort of mercy mechanism for the unlucky sods who have gained nothing for all their efforts all these years? Essentially, you’re asking to be rewarded for losing. Which would indicate do not yet grasp the concept of “gambling”.
Wait, I've Seen This Before...
Me: “Alright, and what size?”
SC: “Hey Tristan, what size?”
Me: “……”
SC: “……Large.”
Me: “Alright.
Who is this Tristan you are speaking to? I did not hear any sort of noise, acknowledge or response to your question from the background. Does Tristan communicate through the power of his mind alone? Is he flashing you a series of elaborate hand signals? Or is this more like charades and he is attempting to indicate his size preferences through an awkward interpretive dance? Wait, is he imaginary? Is that the problem?
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “Tristan.”
…..wait. You are not Tristan. You were speaking to Tristan a moment ago. Tristan should feasibly be a separate entity from yourself for you to have addressed him as such. Unless………both of you reside within the same physical form. Alright than…..Tristan, I want to talk to Dana.
The Nature of Everything
Me: “Alright, and which catalog is it in?”
SC: “ummm…..<company>.”
Me: “Which one though?”
SC: “….uuuhh……wait.”
Me: “……..”
SC: “…unnnhnggh….umm….”
Whoa, easy there. Don’t strain yourself. The odd, almost primate like noises of pain and suffering, along with the faint smell of burning cheese, indicate that I may have asked too much of your simple mind. Perhaps a hint is in order.
Me: "Is it the Winter catalog?”
SC: “WHAT?!?”
Cripes! Sorry! I didn’t realize breaking you out of your zen like trance would aggravate you so much. From where I was standing it seemed like your brain and had simply seized entirely and what remaining neural matter you had left was eating itself alive in a desperate bit to survive in the ever growing darkness. But I suppose I was tragically mistaken and in fact you had retreated into the deep thought to unravel the very nature of the universe.
Me: "Is it the Winter catalog?”
SC: “No. It 2009.....<company>……….uhhhh…..I don’t know which one it is, it <company>.”
Me: “Can you turn it over and give me the catalog number on the bottom right?”
SC: “<half a product ID number>.”
Me: “…...ok, can you look on the inside cover and tell me the number in the bottom left?”
SC: "Ooooh.....uh.......xxx"
Yes, xxx. That’s the Winter catalog. I believe I even suggested its identity some time ago. Perhaps if you could have wrestled yourself away from the deep contemplation of the nature of the metaverse you may have caught that little morsel I so kindly tossed your way. In an attempt to induce the salivation of you mind in the hopes I could tempt it into action.
Why the Hell do I care?
( This was AFTER he placed an order, got all the info, and after I said thank you, bye and what not )
SC: “Yeah I’m just sitting here with my coffee. Got a banana too-“
Silence! Pitiful earth creature I care not what primitive nutrients you require or possess to maintain your frail, doughy existence. I require only the identification and location of your gelatinous form along with any relevant valuables you wish to trade in exchange for this assorted pile of paper tickets which may or may not provide you with riches.
Anything beyond that is irrelevant and you shall cease it immediately.
<sob>
Me: “Alright, do you have a customer ID number?”
SC: “Oh yes, I have one!”
Me: “Great, what is it?”
SC: “But not on me.”
Why do you do this? I have 20 more calls from your ilk in queue in a desperate, last minute bid to get in before the deadline and the only glimmer of hope I have of getting through them fast enough to keep abreast of the rising tide of horror is if they have a customer ID so I can pull up their info. So why, why must you taunt me like this? You do not have a customer ID. Just fscking say so. Do not say “Oh sure I have one!” thus granting me a glimmer of salvation before you reveal that you do not actually have it in front of you, do not know where it is, cannot remember or its lodged halfway through your dog’s digestive system.
Each time my hope is crushed so, it emerges a little weaker till one day I shall not even be able to voice the question at all. Than where will you be, huh? You’ll have to volunteer it. You’ll have to venture off the beaten path, away from the safety and security of my call script. With no guide nor direction to save you.
You’ll have to make decisions for yourself. And we both know how well that’s worked out in the past.
&@$& you. Seriously.
Me: “Good evening, are you calling to plac-”
SC: “Hi! Hey, I think I finally got someone!”
Me: “Yes, are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me“...Hi.”
SC: “Yes I did! A real person!”
Are you trying to be funny? Because you’re proving acutely unsuccessful. I don’t mean Pushing the Pull door level of failure either. I mean lighting up a cigar on the Hindenburg level of failure. Perhaps if you had purchased your tickets during the previous 4 months or so they were on sale rather than attempting to do so 6 minutes before the lines cut off you wouldn’t have need to make such jests about the hold time you.
Asshole.
((*&@ you too.
( For reference no, its not just me. =p )
SC: “Wow, I was on hold for a really long time! Are you the only guy working tonight or something?!”
Ha ha, why yes my shallow, disorganized, self absorbed completely oblivious little fuckpop. I’m the only one here. Just me. On the final sales deadline of a province wide media blitz that’s bombarding very radio and TV channel in BC every 5 minutes with dire warnings of impending finality. But nope, just me. Sorry it took so long, I had to get off the line with the only other person in all of BC that called. So it took me a few minutes. There’s only one of me here you know so I can only sell a couple tonight before the deadline. Good thing no one else is calling!
So Close, Yet So Amazingly, Amazingly Far
Me: “Which catalog do you have there?”
SC: “Uuuuh……xx2”
Me: “Alright-“
Wow, he even had the catalog number ready and waiting. I’m impressed!
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Uuuh, yes, but in catalog xx3.”
Me: “Alright.”
“…………..wait………<desperate page flipping>…….uh…….<more flipping>”
Don’t lose it now! Hold it together, man! You were doing so well!
SC: “…..uhmmmm…….<desperate unending page flipping>”
I actually timed this part in call logger. 53 seconds full of nothing but desperate page flipping and guttural noises of primitive confusion.
SC: “uhh….I guess it’s in other catalog, xx2.”
All that effort and the item wasn’t even in there? Hey, here’s a novel idea. Write everything you want down. I know it’s a daunting amount of preparation to pencil down a whole two product item numbers but it would save us so much trouble. Or at least 53 seconds worth of trouble. I know you may not have writing implements on hand per say. I’m not even sure if they ship anything there aside from pants, Doritos and beer. But still, you must have something with which to record numeric information. Even a jar of Tostitos nacho dip and the glorious blank canvas of the refrigerator door will do.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “….uh…….<once again to the glorious page flipping>”
Ah, I see this time you’ve decided to remix the page flipping with a constant assault of mouth breathing directly on the receiver. Thank you. I can only assume that hunting through the catalog is using up so much of your precious mental resources that other secondary functions, such as keeping your mouth shut, are beginning to suffer to the way side. It’s a good thing the catalog has pictures in it. I’m afraid if you were presented with any sort of actual book the amount of concentration required would lead you to stop breathing altogether.
SC: “…..ummm…..<flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP>”
Sweet Jeebus man. The catalog doesn’t even have that many pages. Seriously. Lord, let me call logger that…….right, ok, that was 67 page flips in 1 minute and 32 seconds of mouth breathing. That catalog only has 53 pages which can be flipped through in approximately 26 flips from front cover to back. Based on these complex mathematics equations I can come to the confident conclusion that you are in fact a complete idiot and must be stopped regardless of the cost in human life.
&(^@% you as well.
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No, I just had a question”
Me: “Alright”
By all means, its only the final sales deadline with 25 calls in queue and 5 minutes to go. We have allll the time in the world my friend. Please, shower me with your inane, pointless inquiries while people who actually want to purchase wait on hold.
SC: “What are the prizes?”
….oh please don’t. Not right now. Either order or get out.
Me: “There are three grand prize condos a-"
SC: “Where are they?”
Me: "One's at <address>, the other is at <address> and the third is <address>"
SC: “Can I take cash instead?”
Me: “Yes, there is a cash equivalent option if-“
SC: “If I don’t want the condos.”
Me: “Yes-“
SC: “and there’s like cars and stuff too right?”
We do not have time for this! We are at the cusp of finality. This is the end. This is the final countdown ( we’re leaving for Venus, and still we stand tall~ ). We are not a library. Buy something or get the fuck out. Otherwise I have 20 other people waiting on hold that would love to give me large amounts of cash for the wonderful products I offer. You on the other hand are wasting my time and are generating exactly zero fund raising. Could you not have asked these questions in the preceding4 months? Could not have checked the website? Could you not have checked the very brochure you got our number from?
Think man! Your pointless dallying is serving only as a barrier to your fellows. Is it truly worth it?
Mmmkay
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: “Hi, that was not funny what happened to me”
Oh, hello crazy lady. Time for your bi-weekly delusion is it? So what precisely happened to you that you found unamusing?
SC: “Within the building where I’m living in the last 10 minutes”
Ah good, a recent event. It’s always nice to have the most up to date reports on the scary world of mental illness and/or heavy drug abuse you dwell in. Tell me, what is this breaking news story?
SC: “To do with the age and the person doing the crying thing as in the baby thing and a thing, kind of a thing with-“
Have you considered Twitter?
Me: “What does this have to do with us exactly?”
SC: “You know exactly what it has to do with you.”
Me: “I’m afraid I have absolutely no idea.”
SC: “STOP HARRASSING ME”
Oh, wait, so I was the one that did this? Hmm, well, if you say so. I’m terribly sorry. I totally and completely apologize for being unaware I had the capability to appear in two locations at once and the cruel demeanor of my tran-spacial simulacrum. That was totally rude of him and once I figure out exactly what super power I possess that I am subconsciously using to project him onto our plane of reality, I shall cease doing so immediately.
Ha HA! A solution!
It seems the entire population of <tiny village middle of no where> took turns placing orders ( or trying to ) this evening as they passed a single catalog around the entire village in some sort of ritualistic consumer congo line. This appears to be a small community with a population barely numbering in the hundred of which Google Satellite Maps assure me there is utterly no escape for aside from by air and even that looks doubtful judging by that "air strip". Yet somehow they have obtained both a telephone and a catalog. A combination of basic technologies from which no good can possibly come.
Still, one of them, possibly their chief or emperor, sounded exactly like Droopy the dog. So not every call was rife with unhappiness. That one was at least an amusing highlight amongst the otherwise slack witted cavalcade. Perhaps if more of my callers at this hour made an effort to sound like old Hanna Barbara cartoon characters they would not wear at me so.
Jests from the Northlands
As you have now made 3 attempts to prank me, of which all 3 have met with unquestionable failure, I have had sufficient time to analyze your methods. If you like, I have a list of suggestions I would like to present to you so that you may improve your chances of success in the future.
Number 1:
Have an actual prank. Some sort of theme or punch line. All you’re doing is calling up and asking to place an order while you desperately try not to giggle along with the other 3-4 children in the background. Without a prank, that does not qualify as a prank call. Merely stupidity without parental supervision.
Number 2:
If you fail outright the first time. Repeat attempts with the exact same approach are of little use. Especially within 60 seconds of the previous attempt. I know who you are and what you sound like. I am on to you. I have already formed a series of mental images of you, the suspects, and subsequently imagined them in a number of unpleasant scenarios involving bears. So the best you can hope for is that I will humour you for a few moments before I hang up on you yet again. This is a rather pointless endeavour, although for some reason it seems to be amusing you. Simple minds, simple pleasures, I suppose.
Number 3:
For the love of whatever deity you believe in, read a book. Your minds are still young and malleable, if horrible undernourished. If you make an attempt now to generate some sort of intellectual curiosity than perhaps you may escape the cruel net that has ensnared so many of your fellows. Or at the very least, 10 years from now, when you call us to order pants you’ll be able to coherently convey your name and address.
Wanker.
Frank ( Whom if you recall correctly, is a wanker. ) called again this evening at 3am to complain the last message he left at 3am regarding the last message he left at 3am regarding the last message he left at 3am having gone unheeded has gone unheeded. Which I believe is finally enough evidence for me to apply to have him legally declared Sethuo or Stupid Enough To Hang Up On. Which would grant me a court order allowing me to simply hang up on him immediately after he identifies himself. As he is no longer considered worth talking to from an intellectual standpoint.
As usual, I pointed out I am an afterhours service, I can only leave messages, I can help him in no way beyond that. As usual, he repeated his song and dance about THE MACHINES keeping him awake and how they’ve been doing it for 17 years now or something. I once again recommended he call the actual office during the day and he revealed that he has but they refuse to even talk to him anymore.
See? The office has already had him legally declared Sethuo. I suggest we do likewise.
If anyone asks you what that means, tell them its French for "Awesome".
Hah, Ok.
SC: “So I had to park in the guest parking and I just wanted to make sure I don’t get towed.”
Me: “I’m afraid all I can do is leave a message for you for the office, but they may not get it till Monday. I don’t have a direct contact for your building manager.”
SC: “Oh, well, if they tow me I’ll just sue him than.”
Good luck with that. It probably costs more just to talk to the lawyer than it would to pay to have your car released.
Yay!
Me: “Alright, and how do you spell that?”
SC: “E for England, S for Switzerland, X for Holland-“
Oh man, Xolland. I’ve always wanted to go there. See the sights, visit Xamsterdam. Maybe buy a pair of xlogs as a souvenir.
I Don't Think That Will Help
SC: “I’m having trouble hearing you, are you on a headset?!”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “TAKE IT OFF!”
I fail to see how removing my headset will improve your ability to hear me. In fact I’m quite willing to bet it will have a devastatingly opposite effect.
Simple Fix
C: “Sorry, I’m trying to get my dogs to stay in one place.”
Bacon and duct tape.
annnd rest. For the moment....
I must admit the end of my leash came very close this week. There was almost a most terrible rant here. But I took a deep breath and swallowed it. I likely would have Fratching'd myself otherwise.
Other time perhaps...
Wishful Thinking
SC: “I know I’ve ordered them before. But I’ve never won anything. I’ve ordered so many times. Does that matter? Do you get more of a chance if you ordered before?”
So what you’re suggesting is a mechanism by which every tragic loss you have suffered can contribute forward to a potential win in the future? A sort of mercy mechanism for the unlucky sods who have gained nothing for all their efforts all these years? Essentially, you’re asking to be rewarded for losing. Which would indicate do not yet grasp the concept of “gambling”.
Wait, I've Seen This Before...
Me: “Alright, and what size?”
SC: “Hey Tristan, what size?”
Me: “……”
SC: “……Large.”
Me: “Alright.
Who is this Tristan you are speaking to? I did not hear any sort of noise, acknowledge or response to your question from the background. Does Tristan communicate through the power of his mind alone? Is he flashing you a series of elaborate hand signals? Or is this more like charades and he is attempting to indicate his size preferences through an awkward interpretive dance? Wait, is he imaginary? Is that the problem?
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “Tristan.”
…..wait. You are not Tristan. You were speaking to Tristan a moment ago. Tristan should feasibly be a separate entity from yourself for you to have addressed him as such. Unless………both of you reside within the same physical form. Alright than…..Tristan, I want to talk to Dana.
The Nature of Everything
Me: “Alright, and which catalog is it in?”
SC: “ummm…..<company>.”
Me: “Which one though?”
SC: “….uuuhh……wait.”
Me: “……..”
SC: “…unnnhnggh….umm….”
Whoa, easy there. Don’t strain yourself. The odd, almost primate like noises of pain and suffering, along with the faint smell of burning cheese, indicate that I may have asked too much of your simple mind. Perhaps a hint is in order.
Me: "Is it the Winter catalog?”
SC: “WHAT?!?”
Cripes! Sorry! I didn’t realize breaking you out of your zen like trance would aggravate you so much. From where I was standing it seemed like your brain and had simply seized entirely and what remaining neural matter you had left was eating itself alive in a desperate bit to survive in the ever growing darkness. But I suppose I was tragically mistaken and in fact you had retreated into the deep thought to unravel the very nature of the universe.
Me: "Is it the Winter catalog?”
SC: “No. It 2009.....<company>……….uhhhh…..I don’t know which one it is, it <company>.”
Me: “Can you turn it over and give me the catalog number on the bottom right?”
SC: “<half a product ID number>.”
Me: “…...ok, can you look on the inside cover and tell me the number in the bottom left?”
SC: "Ooooh.....uh.......xxx"
Yes, xxx. That’s the Winter catalog. I believe I even suggested its identity some time ago. Perhaps if you could have wrestled yourself away from the deep contemplation of the nature of the metaverse you may have caught that little morsel I so kindly tossed your way. In an attempt to induce the salivation of you mind in the hopes I could tempt it into action.
Why the Hell do I care?
( This was AFTER he placed an order, got all the info, and after I said thank you, bye and what not )
SC: “Yeah I’m just sitting here with my coffee. Got a banana too-“
Silence! Pitiful earth creature I care not what primitive nutrients you require or possess to maintain your frail, doughy existence. I require only the identification and location of your gelatinous form along with any relevant valuables you wish to trade in exchange for this assorted pile of paper tickets which may or may not provide you with riches.
Anything beyond that is irrelevant and you shall cease it immediately.
<sob>
Me: “Alright, do you have a customer ID number?”
SC: “Oh yes, I have one!”
Me: “Great, what is it?”
SC: “But not on me.”
Why do you do this? I have 20 more calls from your ilk in queue in a desperate, last minute bid to get in before the deadline and the only glimmer of hope I have of getting through them fast enough to keep abreast of the rising tide of horror is if they have a customer ID so I can pull up their info. So why, why must you taunt me like this? You do not have a customer ID. Just fscking say so. Do not say “Oh sure I have one!” thus granting me a glimmer of salvation before you reveal that you do not actually have it in front of you, do not know where it is, cannot remember or its lodged halfway through your dog’s digestive system.
Each time my hope is crushed so, it emerges a little weaker till one day I shall not even be able to voice the question at all. Than where will you be, huh? You’ll have to volunteer it. You’ll have to venture off the beaten path, away from the safety and security of my call script. With no guide nor direction to save you.
You’ll have to make decisions for yourself. And we both know how well that’s worked out in the past.
&@$& you. Seriously.
Me: “Good evening, are you calling to plac-”
SC: “Hi! Hey, I think I finally got someone!”
Me: “Yes, are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Hello?”
Me“...Hi.”
SC: “Yes I did! A real person!”
Are you trying to be funny? Because you’re proving acutely unsuccessful. I don’t mean Pushing the Pull door level of failure either. I mean lighting up a cigar on the Hindenburg level of failure. Perhaps if you had purchased your tickets during the previous 4 months or so they were on sale rather than attempting to do so 6 minutes before the lines cut off you wouldn’t have need to make such jests about the hold time you.
Asshole.
((*&@ you too.
( For reference no, its not just me. =p )
SC: “Wow, I was on hold for a really long time! Are you the only guy working tonight or something?!”
Ha ha, why yes my shallow, disorganized, self absorbed completely oblivious little fuckpop. I’m the only one here. Just me. On the final sales deadline of a province wide media blitz that’s bombarding very radio and TV channel in BC every 5 minutes with dire warnings of impending finality. But nope, just me. Sorry it took so long, I had to get off the line with the only other person in all of BC that called. So it took me a few minutes. There’s only one of me here you know so I can only sell a couple tonight before the deadline. Good thing no one else is calling!
So Close, Yet So Amazingly, Amazingly Far
Me: “Which catalog do you have there?”
SC: “Uuuuh……xx2”
Me: “Alright-“
Wow, he even had the catalog number ready and waiting. I’m impressed!
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “Uuuh, yes, but in catalog xx3.”
Me: “Alright.”
“…………..wait………<desperate page flipping>…….uh…….<more flipping>”
Don’t lose it now! Hold it together, man! You were doing so well!
SC: “…..uhmmmm…….<desperate unending page flipping>”
I actually timed this part in call logger. 53 seconds full of nothing but desperate page flipping and guttural noises of primitive confusion.
SC: “uhh….I guess it’s in other catalog, xx2.”
All that effort and the item wasn’t even in there? Hey, here’s a novel idea. Write everything you want down. I know it’s a daunting amount of preparation to pencil down a whole two product item numbers but it would save us so much trouble. Or at least 53 seconds worth of trouble. I know you may not have writing implements on hand per say. I’m not even sure if they ship anything there aside from pants, Doritos and beer. But still, you must have something with which to record numeric information. Even a jar of Tostitos nacho dip and the glorious blank canvas of the refrigerator door will do.
Me: “Alright, anything else?”
SC: “….uh…….<once again to the glorious page flipping>”
Ah, I see this time you’ve decided to remix the page flipping with a constant assault of mouth breathing directly on the receiver. Thank you. I can only assume that hunting through the catalog is using up so much of your precious mental resources that other secondary functions, such as keeping your mouth shut, are beginning to suffer to the way side. It’s a good thing the catalog has pictures in it. I’m afraid if you were presented with any sort of actual book the amount of concentration required would lead you to stop breathing altogether.
SC: “…..ummm…..<flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP FLIP>”
Sweet Jeebus man. The catalog doesn’t even have that many pages. Seriously. Lord, let me call logger that…….right, ok, that was 67 page flips in 1 minute and 32 seconds of mouth breathing. That catalog only has 53 pages which can be flipped through in approximately 26 flips from front cover to back. Based on these complex mathematics equations I can come to the confident conclusion that you are in fact a complete idiot and must be stopped regardless of the cost in human life.
&(^@% you as well.
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “No, I just had a question”
Me: “Alright”
By all means, its only the final sales deadline with 25 calls in queue and 5 minutes to go. We have allll the time in the world my friend. Please, shower me with your inane, pointless inquiries while people who actually want to purchase wait on hold.
SC: “What are the prizes?”
….oh please don’t. Not right now. Either order or get out.
Me: “There are three grand prize condos a-"
SC: “Where are they?”
Me: "One's at <address>, the other is at <address> and the third is <address>"
SC: “Can I take cash instead?”
Me: “Yes, there is a cash equivalent option if-“
SC: “If I don’t want the condos.”
Me: “Yes-“
SC: “and there’s like cars and stuff too right?”
We do not have time for this! We are at the cusp of finality. This is the end. This is the final countdown ( we’re leaving for Venus, and still we stand tall~ ). We are not a library. Buy something or get the fuck out. Otherwise I have 20 other people waiting on hold that would love to give me large amounts of cash for the wonderful products I offer. You on the other hand are wasting my time and are generating exactly zero fund raising. Could you not have asked these questions in the preceding4 months? Could not have checked the website? Could you not have checked the very brochure you got our number from?
Think man! Your pointless dallying is serving only as a barrier to your fellows. Is it truly worth it?
Mmmkay
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: “Hi, that was not funny what happened to me”
Oh, hello crazy lady. Time for your bi-weekly delusion is it? So what precisely happened to you that you found unamusing?
SC: “Within the building where I’m living in the last 10 minutes”
Ah good, a recent event. It’s always nice to have the most up to date reports on the scary world of mental illness and/or heavy drug abuse you dwell in. Tell me, what is this breaking news story?
SC: “To do with the age and the person doing the crying thing as in the baby thing and a thing, kind of a thing with-“
Have you considered Twitter?
Me: “What does this have to do with us exactly?”
SC: “You know exactly what it has to do with you.”
Me: “I’m afraid I have absolutely no idea.”
SC: “STOP HARRASSING ME”
Oh, wait, so I was the one that did this? Hmm, well, if you say so. I’m terribly sorry. I totally and completely apologize for being unaware I had the capability to appear in two locations at once and the cruel demeanor of my tran-spacial simulacrum. That was totally rude of him and once I figure out exactly what super power I possess that I am subconsciously using to project him onto our plane of reality, I shall cease doing so immediately.
Ha HA! A solution!
It seems the entire population of <tiny village middle of no where> took turns placing orders ( or trying to ) this evening as they passed a single catalog around the entire village in some sort of ritualistic consumer congo line. This appears to be a small community with a population barely numbering in the hundred of which Google Satellite Maps assure me there is utterly no escape for aside from by air and even that looks doubtful judging by that "air strip". Yet somehow they have obtained both a telephone and a catalog. A combination of basic technologies from which no good can possibly come.
Still, one of them, possibly their chief or emperor, sounded exactly like Droopy the dog. So not every call was rife with unhappiness. That one was at least an amusing highlight amongst the otherwise slack witted cavalcade. Perhaps if more of my callers at this hour made an effort to sound like old Hanna Barbara cartoon characters they would not wear at me so.
Jests from the Northlands
As you have now made 3 attempts to prank me, of which all 3 have met with unquestionable failure, I have had sufficient time to analyze your methods. If you like, I have a list of suggestions I would like to present to you so that you may improve your chances of success in the future.
Number 1:
Have an actual prank. Some sort of theme or punch line. All you’re doing is calling up and asking to place an order while you desperately try not to giggle along with the other 3-4 children in the background. Without a prank, that does not qualify as a prank call. Merely stupidity without parental supervision.
Number 2:
If you fail outright the first time. Repeat attempts with the exact same approach are of little use. Especially within 60 seconds of the previous attempt. I know who you are and what you sound like. I am on to you. I have already formed a series of mental images of you, the suspects, and subsequently imagined them in a number of unpleasant scenarios involving bears. So the best you can hope for is that I will humour you for a few moments before I hang up on you yet again. This is a rather pointless endeavour, although for some reason it seems to be amusing you. Simple minds, simple pleasures, I suppose.
Number 3:
For the love of whatever deity you believe in, read a book. Your minds are still young and malleable, if horrible undernourished. If you make an attempt now to generate some sort of intellectual curiosity than perhaps you may escape the cruel net that has ensnared so many of your fellows. Or at the very least, 10 years from now, when you call us to order pants you’ll be able to coherently convey your name and address.
Wanker.
Frank ( Whom if you recall correctly, is a wanker. ) called again this evening at 3am to complain the last message he left at 3am regarding the last message he left at 3am regarding the last message he left at 3am having gone unheeded has gone unheeded. Which I believe is finally enough evidence for me to apply to have him legally declared Sethuo or Stupid Enough To Hang Up On. Which would grant me a court order allowing me to simply hang up on him immediately after he identifies himself. As he is no longer considered worth talking to from an intellectual standpoint.
As usual, I pointed out I am an afterhours service, I can only leave messages, I can help him in no way beyond that. As usual, he repeated his song and dance about THE MACHINES keeping him awake and how they’ve been doing it for 17 years now or something. I once again recommended he call the actual office during the day and he revealed that he has but they refuse to even talk to him anymore.
See? The office has already had him legally declared Sethuo. I suggest we do likewise.
If anyone asks you what that means, tell them its French for "Awesome".
Hah, Ok.
SC: “So I had to park in the guest parking and I just wanted to make sure I don’t get towed.”
Me: “I’m afraid all I can do is leave a message for you for the office, but they may not get it till Monday. I don’t have a direct contact for your building manager.”
SC: “Oh, well, if they tow me I’ll just sue him than.”
Good luck with that. It probably costs more just to talk to the lawyer than it would to pay to have your car released.
Yay!
Me: “Alright, and how do you spell that?”
SC: “E for England, S for Switzerland, X for Holland-“
Oh man, Xolland. I’ve always wanted to go there. See the sights, visit Xamsterdam. Maybe buy a pair of xlogs as a souvenir.
I Don't Think That Will Help
SC: “I’m having trouble hearing you, are you on a headset?!”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “TAKE IT OFF!”
I fail to see how removing my headset will improve your ability to hear me. In fact I’m quite willing to bet it will have a devastatingly opposite effect.
Simple Fix
C: “Sorry, I’m trying to get my dogs to stay in one place.”
Bacon and duct tape.
annnd rest. For the moment....
OH MY GRAPES! That is just awesome. Every time I stop laughing, I think of that and the slowest smile spreads on my face before I laughing again.
)
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