Thread: Nerfturbation
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Old 03-22-2011, 03:34 AM
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Jester Jester is offline
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Before I proceed with my commentary, I have to tell you, GK, that this was one of the few times in my life that I was glad that I was NOT drinking a beer. Almost any situation (and yes, I do mean ANY situation) can be made that much more enjoyable with a beer, but every now and then, one comes up that clearly would not be. This week's post was one, as I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. Thank you, sir...and with all due respect....fuck you.

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
I must admit I’m amazingly thankful that I don’t actually know what website you’re referring too. Yet mildly disturbed that I think I have to add a knew fetish to the list of ones I'm unfortunately aware of thanks to the Internet.
I have no idea what website the caller was referring to. But I did find a few definitions of "nerfing":

--"Surfing geek oriented websites on the net." This could be a possibility.

--As a noun, "slang for nothing." As a verb, "doing nothing." This seems to be a contradiction to what the caller was saying.

--"The act of pushing down on the head of one who is performing an act of oral sex." Normally I would say this could not be the answer. But considering the general bent of your callers, GK, this probably really is what he/she was talking about.

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
I wouldn’t trust that boy to make cereal without starting a house fire.
Upon reading it a second time, it still makes me laugh hard enough to hurt my belly. Damn you, GK. Damn you! (I am so stealing this, and I will wait patiently for an appropriate time to use it at work. As I work in a bar and deal with drunks and tourists, it shouldn't take long.)

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
What precisely are you trying to make her check? Was there a noise outside? You fool! Haven’t you ever actually seen a horror movie? If there’s a noise outside you don’t actually go out to check. That’s suicidal. You never, ever, go to check on a noise.
Point of order: He didn't go check on the noise. He sent her, his "so-called girlfriend," to check on the noise. Which means he is not at all suicidal, as he has not placed himself in danger. Which means he is either homicidal and diabolically clever, or a cowardly pansy ass sending her to her death. But either way, he has amazing powers of self-preservation, wouldn't you say?

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
SC: “Don’t be scared, man! I’m *)&@ing payin’ for you. *@$@!”

And when she’s being dragged off into the night by Adruna, I’m sure that exquisite $25 hoodie you lavished on her will be her last fond memory on this earth.
I didn't read it like that. He didn't say he was paying for her order. He said he was paying for her. Which I took to mean that she's a prostitute. Which would mean that the phrase "my so-called girlfriend" actually made sense.

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
C: “I’ll call you back. I’m going to go back and reread what I'm reading to make sure I’m already reading what I’m reading already.”
I've actually said things very much like this, often at work, usually to customers. Don't even get me started on the town of Nowhere, Arizona!

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
...you’re going appear behind me and snap my neck. Then you’ll look down at my gurgling corpse and deliver some sort of awful one liner while you adjust the tie of your black Armani suit. Something like “Time for your break” or “I had to put you on hold”. After which you will escape the building via zipline into the sun roof of your BMW.
This is just one of many scenarios I've envisioned for some of the boys my nieces have dated. I have a vivid and rather violent imagination, it seems. Or should I say "we"....?

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
I fear your desires are about to go unfilled then.
Sounds like another one of my dates, actually.

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
…Right, ok, I’ll forgive you for that one. But again, this is the end of the conversation. I have explained what has transpired here and why you are tragically mistaken for dialing this number. No further inquiries are required. The burden of evidence is at hand. Please concede your error and withdraw.
The conversation has passed on. It is no more. It has ceased to be. It has expired and gone to meet its maker. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's pushing up daisies. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's off the twig. It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-CONVERSATION!

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Grasping Concepts #2
One of your best rants ever. I was dying laughing!

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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
For the love of all that is holy and 4 things that aren’t but feel pretty good anyway...
Brilliant! Brilliant!

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Quoth Chromatix View Post
And really, you can't prevent a toddler from making noise every once in a while.
Sure you can. Two words: duct tape.

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Quoth hinakiba777 View Post
Perhaps I am naive, but I thought nerfing was just a verb used to describe the use of nerf products. Please don't kill my childhood.
I'm afraid I did a few paragraphs above. If it's any consolation, most of your childhood was lies your parents told you anyway. The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, fairy godmothers, Plymouth Rock, the magic bullet, the idea that anyone could be President....need I say more?


And NOW I'm having a fucking beer!
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Last edited by Jester; 03-22-2011 at 03:36 AM.