Thread: Nerfturbation
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Old 03-21-2011, 04:33 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: BC
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Unhappy Nerfturbation

What's that? You mean I can work the night shift during the biggest full moon in 20 years? Fsck ya! <twitch>

Anyone who says the full moon has no effect on human behaviour has never worked in customer service before.

The Vigil

The vigil for MC Shake & Bake continues, but he has still not returned. Fans fear the worst. Reefer Beat is still out there though. You know, the guy with the bongo drums that always smells like pot? There's one in *every* major city. He’s practically always out there. Day and night. Every week. For years. I’m not sure if it’s one guy or if there’s some sort of underground clan of them that work the drums in shifts. But they all smell like pot. It is the dubious tapestry which links them all together.

The War Of The Roses ( Still! )

SC: “I think there’s a problem with her. She has a 2 year old. With all that anger going on I think that child should be taken away from her. She’s an irresponsible parent! It’s ridiculous!”

Really, Mr Brown? This is how far we’ve come in this dark saga of torment? You want her children taken away from her for being too noisy? I know the sleep deprivation is likely beginning to erode your mind at this point, but even in your deluded resentment you must realize you’re probably going just a tad too far now? Maybe? Just a bit? No?

I’m becoming quite confident I’ll see you being put into the back of a police car on the news in the near future.

SC: “I know you’re up working, but at some time you have to go to sleep.”

I….er…..y-…yes, I have to sleep at some point too but….I mean…..why are you asking? Please don’t hurt me.

SC: “So what if someone was stomping over head at your time when you’re sleeping?!”

Hah. I slumber during the day in a lively residential neighbourhood during school summer breaks. Stomping over my head would be a pleasant improvement over the background noise I must overcome when I rest. Also, why are you yelling at me? Go yell at her if you must, but spare us. We are but messengers in this terrible conflict.

The Hard Way

Me: “And the product number please?”
SC: “You mean the number for what I want to order?"

No, by all means just give me the numbers of everything you don’t want to order. I’ll figure it out through a process of elimination. We might be sitting here for the next 2 hours, but by god there’s clearly no faster way we could possibly do this. Right? Right.


Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: “I’m a very big nerf fan! ....Hello?”
Me: “….Yes…?
SC: “I’m a very big fan of your website!”
Me: “Al..right.”
SC: “I nerf allll the time, I just wanted to tell you that.”
Me: “…..Duly noted.”
SC: “I nerf constantly. Do you ever go on your website and just nerf to people?”
Me: "Be careful with that, you might go blind."
SC: "......what?!"

I must admit I’m amazingly thankful that I don’t actually know what website you’re referring too. Yet mildly disturbed that I think I have to add a knew fetish to the list of ones I'm unfortunately aware of thanks to the Internet.

( and yes my brain to mouth filter failed. >.> )

The Vigil #2

Reefer Beat was inexplicable joined by some dude with a didgeridoo this evening. Effectively forming Reefer Beat & Didgeridude. Although, I must admit I’m not sure if Didgeridude actually plays the didgeridoo or if he just found it on the ground somewhere and decided to give it a whirl. As he was amazingly intoxicated. So he wasn’t so much playing it as unwittingly imitating the mating call of a bull moose.

Legends of the North

Me: “And the item number for what you'd like to order?”
SC: “It’s a t-shirt, it’s, uh, green. It’s like…umm…..”

Oh, well, I’ll get right on that one. In fact I know exactly which one you mean. With that amazingly lurid description there’s no possible way I couldn’t identify the article you’re referring too. Your keen details and deft description have all but painted a tapestry in my imagination of this shirt you speak of.

Me: “Anything else?”
SC: “Uh, um, imma get a hat.”

Of course you are. If you placed an order without getting a hat and/or a pair of pants the village would shun you for violating local traditions and putting everyone in danger. After all, it is said the great spirit of Adruna, the Big Bald Wolf, prowls the northern lands after twilight. Seeking those with luscious, uncovered hair whom he snatches out of their beds in the dead of night so that he might wear them to protect his exposed skin against the cold. Pants on the other hand, Adruna doesn’t care much for, but if you’re going to be outside at night in the arctic, stuck to the side of a bald wolf, you’ll probably want to have pants on.

SC: “Whatta ya want? Whatta ya want? Jus’ wait. My so called girlfriend wants something.”

I know that many aspects of common sense and basic human decency might escape you. So I feel compelled to point out you should not refer to your so called girlfriend as “my so called girlfriend” when she’s within earshot.

SC2: “Hello?”
Me: “Yes?”
SC2: “Hi.”
Me: “Hi.”

Hello there. You must be the So Called Girlfriend™.

SC2: “Uh…..the………..numbers dude…….”

You’re asking him for the product number? The guy who when asked for a product number 3 minutes ago informed me it was a “green t-shirt”? If I might make a recommendation: Just take the catalog from him and look it up for yourself. I wouldn’t trust that boy to make cereal without starting a house fire.

SC: “Can I get one more? Uh……”

Could you two warn me before you tag out like that?

SC: “I jus wanna order a hat……….”

We established that, yes.

SC: “Go check on it. Go on! Don’t be scared. Sorry, I’m talkin’ to her.”

I assumed as such. What precisely are you trying to make her check? Was there a noise outside? You fool! Haven’t you ever actually seen a horror movie? If there’s a noise outside you don’t actually go out to check. That’s suicidal. You never, ever, go to check on a noise.

SC: “Don’t be scared, man! I’m *)&@ing payin’ for you. *@$@!”

And when she’s being dragged off into the night by Adruna, I’m sure that exquisite $25 hoodie you lavished on her will be her last fond memory on this earth.


C: “I’ll call you back. I’m going to go back and reread what I'm reading to make sure I’m already reading what I’m reading already.”

Give me a moment. I’m trying to decide if that was just some serious existential philosophizing or if you’re about to cause a time space singularity and kill us all.

Covert Ops

Me: “And how do you spell your name please?”
SC: “M as in Motherland, C as in Clamp, A as in Antarctica, H as in Holland, L as in Lion, M as in Mouse, G as in Goose, A as in Amsterdam, M as in Mediate.”

Was….was that some kind of code? Should I know what that means? It was, wasn’t it? There’s some sort codeword or phrase I’m suppose to say in response and if I don’t you’re going appear behind me and snap my neck. Then you’ll look down at my gurgling corpse and deliver some sort of awful one liner while you adjust the tie of your black Armani suit. Something like “Time for your break” or “I had to put you on hold”. After which you will escape the building via zipline into the sun roof of your BMW.

The Vigil #3

Fans of rambling, incoherent noise rejoice! MC Shake & Bake is back and better than ever. You can stop your well wishing and candle light vigils. He has survived his brush with bubonic swine hepatitus and re-emerged with…er….a beret on. A beret. I fear I must question this. I don’t care who you are, you can’t rap with a beret on. Just….no. Which I guess is actually rather fortunate, as MC Shake & Bake can’t rap anyhow. He can barely talk. Yet he is now apparently convinced he is Justin Timberlake.

This evening he was beguiling all of, er, both of his fans. One of which was clearly drunk and the other just looked sort of scared and confused. He assured them, repeatedly, that only they knew the real beats. The rest of us, I assume, were just posers who didn’t understand the true depth and scope of his talents.

Grasping Concepts

SC: “I was looking into a website, and this is the number I caught. I really wanted to speak someone who was taking care of hotel contracting.”

I fear your desires are about to go unfilled then.

Me: “I’m afraid this is a domain registrant. We buy & sell domain names, we don’t have anything to do with hotels.”
SC: “You don’t have anything to do with hotels?”
Me: “No, sorry. You've called the wrong number.”

See this? This part is very important. Anyone with a shred of common sense would recognize this as the end of the conversation. There is no need to persist past this point. The error has been identified and established. No further questions are required.

SC: “Oh, ok. You’re not an online travel agent?”
Me: “No. We own the website domain name you’re looking at. That’s why our number appears on it.”

…Right, ok, I’ll forgive you for that one. But again, this is the end of the conversation. I have explained what has transpired here and why you are tragically mistaken for dialing this number. No further inquiries are required. The burden of evidence is at hand. Please concede your error and withdraw.

SC: “You have no connection with cruise ships?”
Me: “No.”

What must I do to halt your dull witted momentum? You have errored. Turn back. Do not persist. No good can possibly come from this.

SC: “Why does <website> have your number?”
Me: “We buy & sell website domain names, so we own the website’s name itself. So that website is just for sale. It doesn’t actually have anything on it. So when you go to it, it brings up our number and sales page for people to inquire about purchasing it.”

Please give me your fax number so I can provide you with a crudely drawn diagram which may assist you in grasping this concept. I promise I will make it as simplistic as possible and stick to only rudimentary geometric shapes that any child over the age of 2 should be able to readily identify.

SC: “What was your name?”
Me: “GK.”
SC: “Alright GK, I’ll give you a call back if I have any more inquiries.”

You should not have any more. No offence, but if you have any more inquiries after this point, you are an, quite honestly, a god damn idiot and I will feel compelled to call your company later today to warn them to keep you away from sharp objects and electrical outlets.

Grasping Concepts #2

SC: “Hi, is this GK?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Hi, I spoke with you a couple hours ago. Again, I just have some questions to ask.”

You. Are. A. Goddamned. Idiot. Please, please just put the phone down now before you hurt yourself and/or others. Then go find your supervisor, manager or boss and request a pair of oven mitts and a helmet. After which you will call a taxi to take you home. Do not attempt any sort of transportation yourself. Do not drive. Do not cycle. Do not attempt to comprehend public transport. In fact, if at all possible, please minimize the distances you even attempt to walk. This is for your own safety.

Once you get home, I want you to go and find your fuse box and flip the main breaker. You’re not allowed to turn it back on until you have gathered up and tossed out every utensil in your house. Every fork, every spoon, every knife. If there are any similar objects, such as letter openers, throw them out too. After that, cover every outlet in your house with at least 4 pieces of tape. Now you can flip the main breaker back on.

Now call a friend or family member and tell them “I’m too fucking stupid to be left alone right now, please come help.”. After which, you will go to the largest room in the house, walk to the center of it and sit down. You will touch nothing. You will wait until they arrive and hopefully they can serve as a barrier between you and natural selection for as long as is necessary for you to recover.

SC: “How do you get the bookings? How do hotels contract you?”
Me: “We have absolutely nothing to do with hotels, we sell website domain names.”

You’ve been seriously been thinking about this for the last 2 hours? And the solution you came up with was to call the wrong number again and just what? Pray it’s magically the right number this time?

SC: “Ok…..ok…..can you just hang on for a second?”
Me: “Alright.”
SC2: “Hi, this is <manager>.”

Are you her boss? Did she seriously just go get her boss? Please sir, you have to help! Find that girl a helmet! Quick!

SC2: “Am I talking to GK?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC2: “Hi GK. I had her contact you regarding getting integrated with your platform. I wanted to understand if we’re on the same page.”

The same page? The same page? We are not even in the same library.

Me: “I think you completely have the wrong number.”
SC2: “We were trying to get in touch with someone in your company who manages hotel contracts.”

Listen to me! Please! For the love of all that is holy and 4 things that aren’t but feel pretty good anyway, would one of you please listen to what I’m saying?

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t manage hotel contracts in any way, shape or form.”
SC2: “Oh, ok, sorry I think we might have the wrong number.”

You think? You think? She doesn’t have a helmet on because you’re already wearing it, aren’t you?

The Vigil #4

MC Shake & Bake was nowhere to be seen tonight. I guess that was a one night only gala event which was already sold out. Having sold all of both tickets. Instead, there was just one guy in a toque who was too stoned to actually play the guitar he was holding. So he was just staring at it ( or maybe it was just his fingers he was staring at ) and poking the strings with cautious fascination.

The War Of The Roses ( Sigh )

SC: “Loud stomping from upstairs again! WOKE ME UP AGAIN! And put 4 exclaimation marks!”

Ok...Mr Brown. Look, seriously, this is something like your 40th call about this. Wait, no, sorry, 38th. My bad. Anyway, look, why don’t you do us both a favour here: Put the phone down, go upstairs to their suite, kick in the door and assault anyone and everyone you find inside with the nearest object you can find. Not only will this resolve your problem, but it’ll solve ours by ensuring you never call us again. At least not until you come up for parole anyway.

Always Be Prepared

Me: “And which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Mastercard, one sec, let just go grab it.”

I have 3 questions of increasing importance which I fear I must ask:

1) Why did you not have your credit card handy before you called? Seeing as you knew you would need to use it in the immediate future? Would common sense not dictate, or at the very least meekly whisper from the back of the room, that you should have it ready?

2) If you don’t have it on hand, why do you not have it nearby or at least in a location you can readily recall? This awkward pause while I wait for you to discover this lost treasure starting to reach an alarming length. Where are you? What happened? Do you need me to call someone? Do you need help?

3) Now that I have been waiting for approximately 6 minutes and 19 seconds per my call clock for your return, only to have you come back and testify you could not locate it, what makes you think I actually want to speak to you again? Don’t tell me you’ll call back later. You’ve blown your chance. That’s it. It’s over between us. I may be able to forgive you in time, but I could never take you back. I think it’s time for both of us to move on with our lives. See other people. People who have credit cards and know where they are.

It's Too Late

SC: “Oh yes, I called in there a few minutes ago and couldn’t find my card?”

That was 20 minutes ago, actually. You must have been on a rather wild safari. But you’re too late! That ship has sailed. I…I’ve met someone else. He’s a VISA and he treats me better than you ever did! We’re going to elope to Vegas! I’m afraid this is goodbye. For good this time!

annnnd rest ><

Last edited by Gravekeeper; 03-21-2011 at 05:30 PM.