The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Perspirant,

I apologize that the pizza delivery man that we sent to your address last Friday looked like he was on the verge of heatstroke. However, like you said, it was 115°F. We had to dump water on our delivery drivers every time they arrived at our kitchen. You have no need to worry since they rinsed themselves off where we keep the mops and cleaning chemicals. They did nothing unsanitary.

Also, the packs we put the pizzas protect your pizza from any water including rain and perspiration. Your request is denied.

Sincerely,

Dante Alighieri
Mario & Luigi Mushroom Kingdom Pizza

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Dear football team,

I was watching your game last weekend because I bet $6,000 on your team. You had the line of -5. If your team had won by more than 5 points, I would win $6,000, but if you won by less than 5, tied, or lost, I would lose $6,000.

Near the end of the game, your opponent called time out with 7 seconds left on the clock after your team failed to get a first down on a third down play. You were winning 30-24. When it was time for your team to punt the ball away, your idiot punter tucks the ball away and runs towards his own end zone and stands there waiting for those 7 seconds to tick away. When the other team finally caught up to him, he stepped out of bounds resulting in a safety. Your team won 30-26 while I lost $6,000.

I demand you give me $12,000: $6,000 for my original bet, plus $6,000 for the money I would have won if your idiot punter wasn't such an idiot. I also demand you cut the idiot punter, and fire the head coach, the offensive coordinator, the special teams coach, and your general manager.

Sincerely,

Marcus Leaf

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Leaf,

Gambling is not legal in your area, a fact that you should know quite well. Therefore, we have no interest in offering you any money, nor do we wish to fire anyone.

Signed.

Ethel Cull, Team owner.

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Dear Starlight Hotel;

My boys, whom should be known to you as The Armageddon Nightmare Rock Band, slept in your motel last night. We are aggrieved because of four seperate insults, one to each of my boys.

First of all, your room service flatly refused to bring any further spirits to my boys' room after midnight, claiming noise complaints. Then he allowed the woman next door, who claimed to be a witch, to say that if they didn't quite down, she'd give them spirits all right! Of all the cheek!

Secondly, your maid not only refused to do more than make the bed, she slapped the guitarist in the face, then bashed him upside the head with the flower pot. All he did was, well, you know. And she said she was going to be married and wanted to stay chaste. Ridiculous! Fire her at once!

And your manager actually had the nerve, when the police arrived at my boys' hotel room, not to turn the cops away! Instead, he led them right to the door. I am insulted by such shabby treatment.

Not to mention that ghosts showed up and scared my boys so badly that they had to run screaming out of the room when the cops couldn't get them to go.

Lastly, I just got a letter demanding 56,872 dollars in repairs to the room, stolen supplies, and compensation for having to comp. the neighboring six rooms.

I want a million dollars, and free stays in your hotel room forever for my boys. And that you never allow that horrible . . . witch in your hotel again. And fire the maid and manager!

Signed,

Al Lows-Everything,
Band manager & father of two of the members.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Lows-Everything:

First, state laws specifically forbids us from serving alcohol from midnight to noon. We are not willing to risk our liquor license for anybody. Also, your boys were keeping our other guests awake all night. We had to refund their money because your boys kept them awake with their excessive noise. Also, that "witch" is a harmless crank.

Second, we are aware of the incident earlier in the day. What your guitarist engaged in is considered sexual assault. We were forced to call the police. Unfortunately, attempted sexual assault is really difficult to prove.

We called the police again because your boys were refusing to quiet down. They found a white powder in one of the rooms. The police suspected from your boys' behavior that that powder was PCP. That might explain why your boys saw those "ghosts."

As for the invoice, it is obvious that you have misread it. It is an invoice that is charging your band $556,872. All of the charges are listed in great detail, so I will not do it here, but that includes the wall your boys knocked down, crushing two TVs, and causing a ceiling to collapse. They also stole towels, a bed, 2 other TVs, and a commode.

We expect prompt payment and your band is banned from our hotels forever. We will see you in court.

Sincerely,

Paris Diaz

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Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I posted the following to Facebook.

My boss is such a prick. He constantly insults me calling me lazy, a bad employee and not a team player. I wish he would quit breathing down my neck all day. I'm just glad he doesn't know about me playing my Nintendo 3DS at my desk.

When I came into work the next day, my now ex-boss told me that he saw my Facebook update. He told me to turn around and go back home because I was fired. It's all your fault Zuckerberg. I demand $1 million because you caused me to get fired.

Sincerely,

Zelda Maria Scrib

[purplecat41877]

Dear Zelda Maria Scrib,

You are responsible for what you post online and it's your own fault that you got fired. Therefore, I will not be sending you any money.

Sincerely,

Mark Zuckerberg



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your store and was offended when I saw some men ringing up customers and some women stocking shelves. Ringing up customers is a woman's job and stocking shelves is a man's job. I demand you fix this immediately. If you don't, I will set fire to the store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Oldschool

[Andrew B.]

Dear Mrs. Oldschool,

The man at the register has a bad back, which makes him ill suited for stocking the shelves and the woman has severe discalcula which makes her ill suited for register work. I will not be changing things just because you can't move with the times. As for your threat, the police have been notified.

Signed,
J. Foode

<<<O>>>

Dear Mall Security,

How could you ticket my car? I was only inside for a few minutes. So I forgot to pay the parking meter, so what? I doubt you've ever made a mistake. And the security officer was so rude when he ticketed me, saying that there's plenty of free parking if I don't want to pay the meter. I demand that guard be fired and you let me park where I want from now on.

Sincerely,

Ms. Kent-Parke.

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Kent-Parke,

We have no parking meters in our parking lot, so that means you parked on the street. The city owns those metered spaces, not us. That "security officer" is actually a police officer working on parking enforcement. If you have any complaints, please direct your complaints to the city police department. However, he is correct when he says we have plenty of free parking.

Good luck getting that parking ticket resolved.

Sincerely,

Otto Partz, Head of Mall Security

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Dear Supermarket Manager,

Yesterday, I was smoking a cigarette in front of your store. I was well away from the exit, so I wasn't bothering anybody. All of a sudden, one of your employees comes out and demands that I smoke somewhere else. He said that I wasn't allowed to smoke next to the propane tanks.

I demand that you fire that employee. I also demand that you give me 2 lbs. of steak, a bag of charcoal, a bottle of lighter fluid, and a box of strike anywhere matches. Everyone know a real man doesn't use gas.

Sincerely,

R.J. Reynolds

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mr. Reynolds,

Respectfully, we must decline your request.

It is well within our establishment's legal right to ensure the safety of our customers to best of our ability. As only a blind man could possibly fail to see the twenty or so "NO SMOKING" signs we have posted on that side of our store, we, ACME Grocery, Inc., must presume you are so visually impaired.

Cordially,
ACME Grocery, Inc. Public Relations Department

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Dear Smellware Computers Corp.,

Recently, my Smellware 4800 laptop, which I purchased brand new in 1981, decided to crash, taking with it my entire magnum opus, a manuscript I had hoped to submit for publishing. 750 pages of writing I have slaved over for 32 years is now completely gone.

I called your tech support department, but could neither understand your poorly educated New Dehli sand nor get him to understand that DOS 2 is a FULLY MODERN operating system, one that I have used for the last 32 years.

Not only do I demand you fire the offensive sand, but I demand you move your callcenter back into the United States where We The People need the jobs worse than someone willing to work 48 hours a day for $0.15 cents a day.

Signed,
M. Oron Dumass

[catcul]

Dear M. Oron Dumass,

Smellware Computers Corporation went out of business in 1991, 22 years ago. I have no idea whose technical support you called since we have our technical support in Ontario. However, we will be more than happy to show you options to upgrade to a brand new system for as little as $299. We will even be glad to send a field technician to transfer data from your old disks to your new computer.

However, please refrain from using the word sand again.

Sincerely,

Victor Canuck
Maple Leaf Computing, LLC

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Dear TSA,

How dare you confiscate my stuff. Two weeks ago, I put my only carry-on on the x-ray conveyor belt, and the agents took it away, saying that I'm not allowed to have a chainsaw on the plane.

I demand that you return my chainsaw.

Sincerely,

Husky Varna

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Varna,

It's illegal to bring dangerous items like chainsaws on an airplane. Also, we won't be able to return your chainsaw since your bag was destroyed.

Sincerely,

A. Gent
Airport Manager



Dear Dance Studio Manager,

You had absolutely no right to expel my daughter! All she did was practice dancing in an empty dance studio with no clothes on so she could become a natural dancer. I demand you reinstate her and allow her to dance without clothes all she wants. If you don't, I will come to your studio and dance in the lobby wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

N. A. Turaldancer

[catcul]

Dear Mr Turaldancer,

Unfortunately, your daughter danced in our studio nude and left the door open. One of our neighbors can see into the studio. Unfortunately, because of your daughter's actions, I was threatened with eviction by our landlords. Your daughter's expulsion stands. I have also warned our landlords about your threat to dance. If we see you dance in our building naked, we will call the police to have you removed. Good luck going to jail naked.

Sincerely,

Isabel Twyla
Starlight Dance Studio, LLC

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Dear Flo,

My fiance and I use the TV to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am on call and I keep my phone on vibrate in case my employer calls. I have been awaken by your commercial because it sounds like my phone.

I demand that you pull that commercial and you give me 12 months of free automobile insurance.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Drowsy

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Drowsy,

I would recommend changing to a ring tone. Also, lots of people like the commercial so your request is denied.

Sincerely,

Flo



Dear Vitamin Shop Manager,

You had absolutely no right to have me fired and arrested! All I did was put large bills in my pocket and pour vitamins from different bottles into my purse. I demand you drop the charges and give me my job back. If you don't, I will come to your store, open all the calcium bottles, and pour the tablets on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Vitamintablet

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mrs. Vitamintablet,

All you did was commit theft. We, VitaStore Corp., have every legal right to fire and prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
Over the course of your six week employment, you placed over $15000 in large bills in your pocket and steal over $800 in merchandise that would bring over $50 thousand on the black market as crystal meth ingredients.
We hope you are enjoying your suite in Rikers Island Correctional facility.

Signed,
VitaStore Corp. Legal Department



Dear Boss,
I realize I have been employed with Pizza Delivery Inc, for three weeks, and I am not measuring up to standards. I understand you have policies to follow, and I accept full responsibility for forcing you to take disciplinary action.
Please accept this, my pitiful attempt to apologize, as evidence of my sincerity, and I hope that after my three days' suspension, I may come back to work... even if only to fulfill the decency of two-weeks' notice.

Signed,
Stupid Driver #325

[XCashier]

Dear Stupid Driver #325,

Don't even bother. During your suspension, I've hired three new drivers who are actually willing to work and abide by the company rules. This may seem like an amazing idea, but I highly suggest you do the same with your next job...if you ever get one.

Sincerely,
Pep Perroni, manager, Pizza Delivery Inc.

*****

Dear Craft Store Manager,

I just bought some frosting from your baking goods section, and it was supposed to be 25% off, the sign said 25% off. Your cashier pulled the sign and showed it to me, underneath the "25% off" it said "Bakeware only" in tiny type only an inch tall! She insisted that it only applied to the pans you put in the oven. Well, I put frosting in the oven! True, it makes a mess, but I do put it in the oven, so it's bakeware as far as I'm concerned!

I demand that you fire that horrible bitch and give me 125% off everything in the store!

Sincerely,
Ann Aliterate-Idiot

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Aliterate-Idiot,

I'm sorry you're having trouble reading text this size.

It sounds like you have two problems. To address your first problem, I am enclosing the contact information for a local eye doctor. I also read that you put frosting in the oven. I am enclosing a catalog for the local community college. It has information on baking classes.

Unfortunately, we will not be able to give 125% off anything in our store. We will be happy to supply you with bakeware and answer any questions about baking.

Thank you for your business.

Sincerely,

Milfeulle Sakuraba

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Dear Chinese Buffet store manager,

I was in your restaurant the other day, and one of the chefs came out of the kitchen yelling at me. He said I had to pay my bill and leave before he called the police. I thought this was an "All You Can Eat" buffet, and I was not finished eating, yet. I was only in there for five hours.

I demand that you give me seven straight days of free buffet, and you fire that rude chef.

Sincerely,

Trey Gordo

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Gordo,

Our buffet is a seafood buffet. We do allow our customers to stay and finish, but when a single customer eats $750 in crab legs, we have the right to end our service and invalid a customer's welcome.
We will not be giving in to your request, and we have also alerted our competitors to be on the lookout for you. Perhaps you should try eating at Comet Pizza from now on. We hear they have fast delivery and inexpensive food.

Signed,
Chung Yao Garden Management

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Dear Big Box Electronics,

I purchased a new after-market stereo from your store in September, and had it installed by your friendly and knowledgeable audio staff. It worked fantastically until my transmission died. I had the stereo uninstalled from said vehicle and wished to have it installed in my 1997 Plymouth Grand Caravan. Upon arrival at your store with said van and stereo, I was informed you could not install the stereo. The stereo was professionally uninstalled by my mechanic's electronics guy, why can you not reinstall it in another vehicle?

A. U. Dio