Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Tow Files - Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The Tow Files - Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

    Well, due to circumstances beyond my control and that need no introduction, the latest round of the Tow Files has been delayed by 2 months of being laid off and 5 more of waiting for enough students to come back to have a customer base again.

    That disclaimer out of the way, on to the good stuff. But first:

    Amuse-bouche

    Here's a little appetite-wetter to start us off.

    *RING*

    Friendly Neighborhood Towing, Can't Dodge our Dodges, How can we help you?

    I have a car I need towed

    (Duh)
    Okay, where is it?

    It's over here, and it's been like, here for a week or something.

    Where is "over here" Sir?

    It's abandoned, I'm pretty sure....

    Okay, but where ARE you?

    Oh! Never mind, someone just got in it and left!

    *CLICK*
    ...
    ...
    ...


    Son, was your Mom the REASON we have those "DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AFTER USE" labels on cold medicines? Or was she one of those unfortunates who didn't LISTEN to the labels and/or realize your Dad counted as "heavy machinery" and did it anyway? And as a result, now we have you to deal with?

    Either way, thanks for ruining those 10 seconds of my life that neither I, nor any of us on this planet, from smallest rodent to largest ungulate, will ever get back...


    NOW LIE ME DOWN TO DIE

    *RING*

    Friendly Neighborhood Towing, You Parked on a Lark, We Took the Car in the Dark, How can we help you?

    Do you have my Chevy Equinox from Empire Apartments?

    Let's see, blue one? Pennsylvania Plates? Yes we do, Sir, that'll be..

    WHY!?

    You got towed for not having a permit

    But I was just visiting!

    Doesn't matter, all cars in that lot need permits to park, otherwise they will be towed.

    But I live here!

    Then you know you need a permit, it's in your lease.

    What?

    Your lease, the one you signed if you live there, says you need a permit.

    *CLICK*

    Whoa! Slow down there pard'ner! You didn't even let me tell you the important part.
    In the span of only about 8 seconds there, you've told two mutually-exclusive stories, that means a full 50% of what you've told me over the course of our entire human relationship, is a lie.

    That means literally half of everything you've EVER told me, was a lie.
    Also, Schrodinger's Cat is in play here, I have no way of knowing WHICH half is the lie until one of those statements is confirmed by fact. So, at present, like the cat in the box, 100% of what you've told me today, is a potential lie.

    Oh, what ELSE was a lie? Huh?

    HOW MANY OTHER TOWERS WERE THERE? WAIT! NO! I'D RATHER NOT KNOW!

    The fact you DO own a Chevy Equinox is the only thing keeping you from hitting the 100% lie part of the chart, and it's a good thing you didn't, I'm pretty sure doing that is fatal in humans or anyone who hasn't undergone years of training as a State Senator....

    You almost lied yourself into oblivion, you truly have no idea how close you came. Well, still could happen. If the car is stolen or something, and not really yours, you WILL hit that 100% lie plateau and either wink out of existence in a black, inky, sulfurous cloud, or much worse: You could be elected to Congress by the State of Florida for the rest of your life.... Either way, fair punishment.


    SAY IT LOUD! I'M A HAZARD AND PROUD!

    Why'd I get towed?

    You didn't have a permit to park there, that's a permit-only lot.

    But I thought it was free parking or something

    No, that's a private lot, it's only for people who live at that apartment

    Well, there should be a warning about that.

    There is , Sir. When you turn off the street, there's a big sign on a post at the right of the entrance next to the landscaping fence that says "PRIVATE PARKING"

    Well, I can't be bothered to be looking for signs when I'm pulling into a parking lot! I'm too busy trying not to hit people!
    ...
    ...
    ...


    Well, points for honesty, if you're being honest and are only seconds away from vehicular manslaughter charges every time you get behind the wheel, seeing as your primary objective it not to watch traffic signs, but try to avoid hitting pedestrians.
    But if you were looking for genuine sympathy with that? You kind of failed.
    Actually, I'd say the state failed you, when they gave you a driver's license, you merely validated that colossal mistake with your own amusing brand of failure on top of it.

    The best state-sponsored destruction does take two people working in complete agreement, after all.

    That's why it took 2 keys to launch an 8 megaton-yield Titan II nuclear missile, and the keyholes were placed too far apart for any one person to reach both simultaneously... (86'' FWIW)

    After all, the dumbest of human achievements always have to be agreed upon before attempting, if for no other reason than to have an audience.

    Speaking of achievements, if I make it home alive tonight, I'll consider it worthy of making myself a congratulatory diet-busting meal, like macaroni salad (or as I call it, how to eat a cup of mayonnaise guilt-free because you put a sprinkling of veggies in it) that will set me back a couple days in my weight loss quest.

    Why? Because you being within 100 miles of me makes it a God Damn miracle I DO get home alive most of the time!

    Sometimes, you just gotta eat a 55-gallon drum of raw carbs to give the fates a metaphoric middle-finger for missing you yet again, it's the equivalent of yelling "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" to the SWAT team surrounding the building...

    Won't help your situation for the better, but it's at least cathartic.


    YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL (Change our Minds)

    Oh dear, it would seem that another person who thinks GTAV is real life attempted to put their inner-super-criminal to the test and pull a "heist". In this case it was of their impounded car. They hopped the fence in the dark, got in it, waited for one of our trucks to leave on another call, and then followed it out with headlights off...
    This was extremely dumb of them.

    Not just because we have multiple security cameras covering the lot that saw them do it. And not just because we have a stack of papers in a bin that we check several times a day to keep up on our impounded vehicles, (and when we notice that there's a discrepancy between what the master roll call of the towed says and what our eyes say looking out the window, you can bet the klaxons are going to go off like they did at the Death Star when those proton torpedoes struck home).

    No, the real stupid part was that this wasn't the first time we'd had him, it was his 5th time, at least, that his vehicle ended up on the wrong side of the fence.
    Yes, this guy was a member of our frequent towers club

    He's been towed 5 times this year, 4 of which were from the exact same spot he keeps returning to, a lot next door to the apartment he lives at.

    Yes, he keeps illegally parking next door to 400 Dome Street, his student residence, and we know this because he has a permit hanging from his rearview mirror that says "400 DOME".

    And since this lot (410 DOME) is an office building's employee lot, he finds it easy to park there at night when it's empty, but inevitably gets towed the next morning when the employees show up and realize this guy is an interloper.

    Why would you do this?

    Well, I can't say for CERTAIN, but I think I could make a very compelling case to a jury that what's going on here is that he's letting his girlfriend/significant other use his parking spot at the apartment building and, being the gentleman, was sacrificing his vehicle over and over again for her sake.

    He eventually seemed to realize that after the 5th tow (roughly once every 3 days) that this was draining his finances quite severely, and decided the easiest thing to do was not to stop doing the behavior that kept getting him towed, but just take the vehicle back from us.

    Now, do you see why this was a bad idea? If not, consider, that EVERY TIME you get towed, to do the release of a vehicle from impound, you need to show us photo ID that has your name, address and if you're paying by credit (he does) you need to leave a phone number with us in case you try to back-charge the fees when they show up on the statement, claiming fraud.

    Also, he's one of those folks who couldn't resist the urge to put "Brocessories" on the vehicle (It's an SRT8-trimmed Jeep Cherokee) including tacky vinyl-wrap style racing stripes right down the middle and aftermarket "gangsta" rims. His ride sticks out like a sore thumb in the lot at 400 Dome, so I know where he lives and when he's home and when I'm passing him in the street.

    So, on 4 occasions, he's come in to our office and been recorded on camera picking up, during which time he provided us with a name, home address, phone number and enough circumstantial evidence to know your local address and even the spot you park your one-of-a-kind Jeep in.

    All this stuff is on file on computer, retrievable by a few deft keystrokes. And if that fails, there's a big cardboard box in the attic, as we keep one of the carbons of the tow slip on every released car. Not just 1, but 5 of them in that box have his info all over them. It was almost as fast a manual search to dig him back up as it would've been to let the computers do it.... and what isn't is on the ol' meat computer 5000 in my head.

    And he thought we'd somehow not be able to track him down?

    I went on down to 400 Dome shortly thereafter and saw that his Jeep was in the lot. I lobbied over the radio that I should just tow it back and tell him to do it the right way this time, but towing manager had a better idea. He called the police and told them exactly what he'd done, what apartment they could find him in, down to the apartment number, and yes, we'd be interesting in pressing charges if he won't pay up. They dispatched an officer.

    15 minutes and a knock at the door later, our mastermind of crime was calling us to provide his credit card info again, in lieu of becoming a guest of the Commonwealth at one of their many exclusive resorts for the feloniously-inclined.

    All I want to know, Son, is this: Did your ability to formulate cunning plans like that only develop after the 39th or 40th blow to your head? Because dedication like this is surely worth a lifetime achievement award and I want to get the right number engraved on that trophy I'll be presenting to you posthumously at your looming Darwin Award ceremony...



    Imperial TIE Fighters of the Bro-lone Wars and Bonus Assorted Monkeyshines.

    Enter, stage right, a man in a suit and tie. Well, "kid" actually. He may have been an adult on paper by age and in the wardrobe department, but I wasn't exactly impressed by all other aspects of his behavior.

    As I would soon find out, it was rooted in some of the dumbest ape-logic you'd be hard-pressed to get endorsed by actual apes...

    But I'm getting ahead of things.

    He walks into the office, flanked by a pair of "backup bros" who were wearing the ISO-9000 standard "Bro" loadout... baggy pants, T-shirts advertising their lowbrow views on the world through blind endorsement of alcoholic beverages and full-contact sports, and both had on backwards-ball caps. I thought they were originally just the next pair of "customers" I'd have to deal with, but, Mr Tie would eventually fess up they were with him.

    But we'll get to that, first, he started pleading his case that he was only illegally parked "for a second" and really really would like it if we had some sympathy and "cut him a break" because he had a busy day ahead of him and didn't need to deal with our predatory nature. Wait, so we don't have your car? No, we don't... he drove here.

    Mr Tie says he has issue with the fact that at some point earlier that day, we'd penalized him more than a few dollars for parking his car somewhere where it didn't belong, and he'd been forced to pay a drop to get it back.

    "Well, sounds like you lucked out, drops are cheaper than tows, that's the only discount you were going to get"

    "But you can't cut me a break? I just stopped there a second to see my friends, just one second"

    "I takes 5 minutes to tow a car, so no, it wasn't seconds, and you can't be there anyway without a permit"

    "Just for visiting? Look, they're here! They'll tell you!" (he motions to the two other yard-apes)

    "It's not that I don't believe you, it's that it doesn't matter, you need a permit to be there or you get towed"

    "Even just for a second?!"

    "yes, all vehicles , at all times, for any duration"

    "But, but...!"

    "But what?"

    "That's not fair!"

    "Not fair would be letting you get away with it while still expecting everyone else in that lot to follow the rules. How's it fair to tell them that you get special treatment?"

    "Look, can't you see I have a tie on?! A TIE!"

    "Uh... yeah?'

    "That means I have IMPORTANT things to do! Too important to be bothered with a permit for just 10 seconds! This is just ridiculous! I HAVE A TIE! SEE?" (he pointed at it for emphasis here, but I was beyond done playing with him, and quite pissed off that day, so I dropped an F-bomb, Argabarga almost never drops F-bombs)

    "I don't care if you're f*cking naked, the laws apply to you as much as the next person, your fines are going to stand, and have a nice day"

    Dejected, Mr Tie headed for the door, leaving behind his two bro pals....

    Now, here's where you're going to think ol Unky Argabarga is pulling your leg, he's GOT to be telling a tall tale... this can't have happened.

    Nope, I swear on the grave of my dead Mother and that poor 4.6L Ford I sent to the big scrapyard in the sky with hard-driving-induced rod knock that they actually did this...

    They attempted to, "flex" on me.

    Both of them started pulling off "Pro Wrestler" victory poses, haunching over and flexing (nonexistent) muscles at me, while croaking like the Macho Man: "OOOH! OOOOH!!! YOU A BIG MAN, HUH? BIIIIIIG MAN! OOOOH!" They continued this odd display all the way to the door to follow their Dear Leader and kept doing it all across the parking lot.....

    Fascinating.

    Well, when they discover fire, let me know, that means language won't be far behind and maybe, just maybe, they can give me some insight into what exactly their little chimp-out was supposed to prove. Myself, the Smithsonian Institute, David Attenborough and the Monolith itself would all like to know. Who knew that the only thing separating us from the lesser primates all along... was neckware?

    At least one of you trio evolved enough to escape the monkey house for the advanced monkey house of corporate America. My advice to Mister Tie? He should get as far away from them as he can, else they call you up when you've made it big and keep demanding you buy them bananas and old car tires to play with ( or God forbid ask to move in with you) because "They were there for you" back in the day... and surely you can help an old pal out?

    Personally, if any of them ever show up around here again, I'll be happy to introduce them to the ol' Columbian Necktie, FREE of charge



    Enclosed, Please Find My Pittance, Payable In Several Instalments of a Trifle, Each...


    Okay, as I may have mentioned before in passing, some of our illegally parked cars get tagged with tickets too, and some don't. It's all up to whether or not the lot they came from has decided to exercise their right under the Vehicles Code and let building maintenance/lot monitors add the extra little humiliation of a $15 fine for parking like you want a yank on top of the cost of the actual yank.

    Now, due to some complexities in the towing ordinance, we can't FORCE illegal parkers to pay that part of the bill if they insist on it since the law only says we have the right to collect on "towing fees" , stuff the ordinance specifically mentions. It says nothing about tickets so they're a different animal, and only enforceable through civil action. (That isn't worth it for $15).

    So, what we do is tell people picking up a car that has a ticket: "Your total is $165, plus a $15 ticket" and 99 times out of 100, they just pay the combined $180 without question. (Yes, the rates went up again, plus, we can now charge an extra $20 for dollies as they updated the ordinance at the request of all 4 major local towing firms).

    Once they do? It's done, over, finished, tamam shud, see you on the flip side Rubber Duck, your bill with us, both criminal and civil, is cleared.

    But every now and then, you get a smart/cantankerous cookie who takes issue with the ticket, and at that point, you have to "fess up" and tell them the truth: You can walk out of here free and clear without paying for that ticket. However, like a psycho ex-girlfriend, walking out doesn't make it FOREGET you. Oh no, it will find you, and it will come back at you worse with late fees and collections agencies as it's considered an outstanding bill.

    99 of THOSE 100 times, the person is someone who goes home, stews over it for 48 hours or so, and then relents and mails us a check later to not have a debt, even a trivial one, floating above their heads.

    The 100th time? Well, you get what the latest charming fellow who decided to pay the ticket via mail at a later date did, his, ahem, handiwork just arrived today:

    An envelope, containing 15 checks...

    Each written in the amount of: $1

    And a nice snarky letter in which he rather insincerely expressed a desire for us to have a nice day.

    You almost have to admire THAT level of passive-aggressiveness, where it almost becomes it's own form of interpretive dance to draw out the punishment in the vain hopes that it upsets us.

    Spoiler Alert: We are NEVER upset to get paid. Our Scrooge McDuck genes are just so dominant that ANY stimulation of their base nucleotides whatsoever makes us all warm and tingly inside.

    We'll literally do it for pennies.

    And occasionally we have... someone once paid a ticket in wrapped copper coinage that they had additionally mummified in several layers of duct tape and then placed in similarly sealed up box with a note on the outside telling us to "HAVE FUN COUNTING THIS YOU A**HOLES!"

    P.S. - we did. And we didn't have the heart to tell him that the $3 -$5 in supplies/postage he spent to give us the metaphoric middle digit just effectively turned his $15 ticket into a $20 one with absolutely no extra work required on our part.

    Given the chance, there really are those souls out there who will cut off their own leg and try to bludgeon you with it while bleeding out.... it's not the end-goal, it's the principle of the matter I suppose.


    Ma'm, This is a Wendy's

    *RING*

    -Friendly Neighborhood Towing, The Only Free Parking here is on a Monopoly board, how can I help you?

    -You need to do something about the SMELL!

    -Uh, what?

    -YOU HEARD ME! THE SMELL!

    -What smell?

    -"WHAT SMELL"? Look, it STINKS over here at my daughter's apartment! It literally smells like RAW SEWAGE outside! Now...

    -Uh, Ma'm...

    - ... for what I pay a year in tuition for her, I expected BETTER of what you said was a BRAND NEW apartment!

    -Uh, Ma'm...

    - So WHAT are you going to DO about this?

    -Ma'm, we're a towing company, the only thing we do is tow cars. If you're having an issue with the parking, we can offer assistance, but if there's an issue with the building, you need to call the property manager.

    - I already did! And they said there's NOTHING they can do because the smell is coming from the sewage plant across the street!

    -So why are you calling US?

    -YOUR NUMBER IS ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING!

    -Yeah, for TOWING , not odd smells. If you have a complaint, you need to call Global Domination Reality, but there's nothing they can really do, they can't move the building or the plant.

    -But... but... if I had known they put this place NEXT DOOR to a Goddamn sewage plant, I'd have NEVER sent my daughter here! Why couldn't you have put this someplace BETTER?!

    -We had nothing to do with it Ma'm, we only handle towing and parking, if that's not what you need, you have a nice day.

    - But... I want someone to fix this!

    *CLICK*

    So, for those of you curious what happens when you train your Level 58 Karen all the way up to level 100, we now have the answer: She Poke'-volves into Mega Karen, demanding the managers of other companies solve her problems or they'll surely all be fired/in big trouble!

    The attack was ineffective.


    Sir Lames-a-lot

    Okay, cast your memories back to your childhood, and think of a time where you did something bad... And I want to qualify, not like, the police had to be called-bad. Or, someone ended up in a shallow grave in an Iowa cornfield-bad.

    I'm talking more like broke the cookie jar while sneaking a snack-bad, or put a minor little 5 foot long gash in the sofa while doing your Ninja Turtle impression with the fireplace poker-bad. And you decided, on the spot, to come up with a PERFECT alibi for the question you KNEW your Mom was going to ask... maybe even got a half dozen times to practice it before she came home? Alas, when the moment came to sell the lie, no matter how HARD you tried, she just took one look at you and said "Cool story, you're grounded" and you wondered HOW in the world she could have seen RIGHT through it?

    It's because you were such a predictable lame brain she probably KNEW the exact words you were going to use, that's how well she had you marked the instant she saw that shattered porcelain or eviscerated rich, Corinthian leather.....

    Short of it: You can sometimes tell a person is such a useless liar and so hopelessly cornered by circumstance and deficient of wit that you know, before you even met them, EXACTLY what they were going to say and what they were going to do.... bordering on precognition.

    One of these folks is the owner of a Toyota Corolla parked at 123 Cracktown Heights today, and the owner of Cracktown Heights, one Crackhead Larry, has just called and requested we tow it away.

    Why?

    The owner has apparently neglected to actually BUY parking from them for the space he's in.

    They drew up a parking lease for him to come in and sign (and get a permit) back in the Summer.

    Considering all that's happened THIS summer, Larry was lenient and didn't say anything when a couple weeks and then a couple MONTHS went by without the guy showing up to pay for his parking. But, by now, with only a couple weeks left in the semester, and the lease still unsigned, whatever sympathy Larry had for this tenant has long since evaporated as he will have lost a year's worth of parking revenue if this guy doesn't come in and square-up. Charity is one thing, but, theft of services is another.

    So, we get the order to go down there and tow the car. Said specemin is rather ramshackle when it comes to Toyota Corollas, it's being held together by duct tape, or at least the front bumper is.

    No sooner do I hook it than a dude comes a tumbling down the fire escape of the house like that big boulder coming after Indiana Jones and tells me I simply must be making some kind of mistake... he lives here!

    "Yes, but you didn't buy parking for here, you need a permit to park here"

    "BUT I LIVE HERE!"

    "You already said that, and it's not that I don't believe you, it's that the property OWNER said you never bought a permit from him, so you can't park here"

    "But I LIVE here!"

    "Look, I'm not going to argue. You didn't buy parking for the semester, and the property OWNER says you don't belong, pay for a drop, or it's going to be towed"

    "But... I...."

    " Sir, WHERE is your permit?"

    "My what?"

    "I'll say it again, if you HAVE a permit, I'll let the car go... otherwise, it's a drop or a tow, so, one last time, WHERE is your PERMIT?"

    ...

    ...

    ...

    "I ... don't know...."
    ...
    ...
    Well, at least he's' being HONEST, I don't know where things I hypothetically should have bought, but didn't, are at this moment. Very fleeting and very partial credit.

    "And that's why you're getting towed, or are you going to pay for a drop?"

    "Yeah, I'll pay, so that just means I can just move to another spot, right?"
    ...
    ...
    [Morgan Freeman] It was at this moment, Argabarga knew, this guy was gonna just circle the block once, and re-park the car [/Morgan Freeman]

    "No, it means you leave the lot and you DON'T come back because you DON'T have a permit"
    ....
    ....
    ....

    "Oh"

    We pay, we drop.

    I pull out, he pulls out behind me.

    Yep, I go straight at the next intersection, and he..... cuts right to go around the block.

    *Sideshow Bob Grumble*

    Oh well, it's 5 minutes to end-of-shift, on a Friday, I got better things to do than play chasey-chasey catchy-catchy kissy-kissy with this reject from the human assembly line whose relatives all clearly fell from the evolutionary tree and hit every damn branch on the way down to the point where the entire clan would be out-competed for resources by an ant farm. I've wasted enough of my dwindling time in the human circus parade to ever want to deal with him again. I'm disavowing any knowledge of him going forward.

    But I'll bet FA the night tower would love a free commission-boosting tow.

    Back at base, as FA's clocking in and I'm clocking out (Mornin' Sam, Mornin' Ralph) I tell him that there's an AFK player in a Toyota Corolla over at 123 Cracktown that he can grab whenever he likes. Property owner wants him gone, I told him he has to get gone, but the guy isn't gonna get gone on his own.

    FA thanks me and we go on our merry ways.

    The following Monday, I check in with Ralph, er FA as we're meeting at the timeclock again and ask if he got Mr. Deadbrain Friday night.

    No, says FA, he didn't.

    He got him Friday, Saturday AND Sunday nights, in succession.

    Because the guy kept getting towed, released, and every time, kept going back.
    To different spaces in the lot as predicted, but couldn't keep out of the lot itself.

    And that brings us to today, Monday. The fourth day in a row. Surely, at this point, Mr. Toyota managed to stimulate the hamster in the wheel inside his head enough to make at least one revolution and realize that he can't use the lot and stopped parking there, right?

    Well, yeah.

    On this day, he decided to park on the lawn, in the grass, thinking that now he technically "wasn't in the lot" and a circle of green manna was protection enough from our parking enforcement wizardry, I guess.

    Property owner Larry called him in direct to us for that, saw him in the yard driving by.

    And we got him again.

    Ever wonder why God no longer talks to us? I got a few ideas on that...

    And I still don't know why they guy never just signed his lease....

    Oh, and FWIW, that duct-taped front bumper on the Toyota? During one of those tows, it decided it had had enough humiliation and left the car mid-tow. Being sporting chaps, we went back for it and reattached it to the car as best we could (the mounting clips are broken, hence the tape, gravity and inertia alone wont' keep it attached, one good hard brake for a red light and it's gonna fly off again)
    I'd feel bad about that, if it had been literally anyone else, but this guy deserves the fact he's on fate's hit list, he clearly does it to himself.

    Maybe by the end of the week, he'll drown to death in the local McDonaldland play area's ball pit and I won't have to go back for him again... here's to hoping.


    VERY DISHONORABLE!

    FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD TOWING IS A BUNCH OF UNPROFESSIONAL SCAMMERS! I HAVE NO IDEA WHO KEEPS LEAVING THESE 5-STAR REVIEWS! IT MUST BE THE OWNER JUST VOTING FOR HIMSELF OVER AND OVER! THEY TOWED ME FOR NO REASON AND WHEN I EXPLAINED I WAS JUST DROPPING OFF GROCERIES FOR A FRIEND THE "MANAGER" SAID HE "DIDN'T CARE IF I WAS DELIVERING BREAD OR DELIVERING BIBLES" THAT I HAD NO PERMIT FOR THE LOT! UNBELIEVEABLE!

    What? Oh, sometimes when we're bored, we'll read the Yelp reviews for the garage, just to see what turns up, and I'll give this lady credit, she at least wasn't lying, only someone who's actually DEALT with Towing Manager would be able to write that...

    I See You've Used the "Crop Image" Tool Before...

    So, another dispute erupted at the office over three bears and some porridge.

    No, wait, that wasn't it, sorry.

    The dispute was another person who had issue with being yanked from an apartment parking lot where you need an anti-yanking permit to not get yanked.

    For reasons that will forever remain a mystery, this particular lot has a one-lane entrance drive that's flanked on either side by highway-quality guardrail at the absolute edges of the drive, like the wimpy guy in phys ed class, it's got no shoulders. I don't know why it was set up this way. I believe it's the vestigial remains of a pass-and-gate system where you had to show ID or something to get in and out, and it's abandonment is the reason why we now patrol it.

    In any event, the tips of the side mirrors on your truck just barely avoid being clipped off as you enter. Not by the guardrails, those are knee-high, its the pair of posts just OUTSIDE the guardrails that have our "PERMIT ONLY - VIOLATORS TOWED- FREINDLY NEIGHBORHOOD TOWING" signs on them you gotta watch out for, the cheeky bastards.

    Well, more like "sign", singular.

    The one on the left still exists, but the one on the right has decided to emigrate for better work opportunities and has yet to call or write us back here in the Old Country, so we have no idea where it went, only that it's post is now bare.

    No big deal, the Borough Towing Ordinance says only that you must have 1 sign per 25 spaces (at only 20, this lot is covered by one) and that it must be "visible from entrance". In my book, it doesn't get more visible than being within arms-reach of a rolled down driver's window at minimum as you enter the lot. There's no way to be any FURTHER from the sign without shredding your car open like a sardine tin on the opposing guardrail. Being down that one sign just means the level of signage there has dropped from 200% compliant to a mere 100%.

    Naturally, this gentleman was arguing with us that there was no sign and wasn't going to be deterred by our above-stated explanation.

    We told him exactly where the sign was and questioned openly how he could have possibly missed it.

    He told us he'd go back and check, but, if we weren't telling the truth, we'd all be in Very Big Trouble (tm).

    Sure enough, like a bad rash, he returned later sure he had photographic proof, specifically, he took a picture of that lone empty sign post.

    We told him that he clearly positioned himself to make it look like the other sign wasn't there, as this lone post wasn't centered in his picture, it was at the extreme left and a whole panorama of grass and pavement filled in to the right.

    He insisted he was still right and there was no sign.

    We told him to go back and center the driveway in his next picture and see if the results were still the same. The sign is just out of his current picture to the left by 10 inches or so....

    He again insisted he was right

    We offered to bring up Google Street View to save him the trouble. It shows up clearly on there.

    He suddenly abandoned all arguments and left. But not without cursing us one more time that it was all our fault anyway.

    Yep, it's our fault, always was... *Astronaut Sneaking up on You With Gun Picture Goes Here*

    For the sake of transparency/extra yuk-yuks, the main reason for him being upset was he'd been, by his own admission, parking there for "months" without a permit and never got towed before. And he's correct. See, due to a dispute between apartment building management (who just wanted to be nice to everyone and not tow) and property owner (Who wanted to tow them all and let God sort it out) , towing had to be suspended there for the better part of a year before property owner finally prevailed and we could tow again, much to this guys dismay and misfortune.
    Just because you got away with it once doesn't guarantee you'll get away with it next time... just ask the long line of incarcerated and/or electrocuted serial killers.


    Be Careful What You Wish for, I'll Make Sure You GET It!

    This episode stars Sister Stuck-up

    Sister Stuck up is one of those kids whose parents pay for everything she wants and never told her "no" growing up. To be fair, that's all conjecture on my part, but I don't think I'm off the mark. She's already got a reputation as an incorrigible illegal parker despite only gracing us with her presence for a single semester.

    By our records, she's gotten in trouble at least 5 times with Greenwich Apartments for showing up with her (read: Probably Daddy's) Jaguar, parking it in the visitor lot without the required visitor permits, and staying for days on end.

    Greenwich is one of those super-lenient places where they try to be your buddy more than your Warden and hope they can just "encourage" you to behave through positive reinforcement and appealing to your sense of fair play and possible love of dolphins....

    This has little effect on people like Sister Stuck-up who suffer from an affliction known scientifically as "Being an Insufferable Bitch-Flavored Twatwaffle" and are immune from the very notion that anything they do could have negative repercussions.

    So, after leaving warning notes on the car, mass-emailing the complex to remind everyone their visitors must play by the rules and probably singing a few rounds of Kumbaya in the office made no difference, they allowed us to start writing tickets.

    Naturally, that didn't work either, it may get the car to disappear for a night, but it's back the next day like clockwork.

    And are you surprised the tickets are going unpaid? Didn't think so. These are those "private" tickets I mentioned up-thread where they can only be civilly enforced. Either she knows this, or just doesn't care.

    The other day, I stopped by to put ticket number FOUR on the Jag, as it was there right on schedule in the hopes SOME semblance of message would get through. The instant I slide it under the wipers, you guessed it, Sister Stuck-up comes bee-bopping along.

    "Oh, I was just leaving" (all sunshine and flowers)

    "Okay, you're free to leave, but that's still your ticket"

    "What? I was only here for like a second!" ( now sounding a lot more... catty)

    "Actually, you've been here all night, and I've ticketed this exact same car 3 times before, you know the rules, you aren't allowed to park here without a permit, and I don't know why you keep doing it."

    "Because I was just leaving!"

    "Sorry, that's your ticket, unless you walk over to the office and get a pass, if you want to do that, I'll wait and take the ticket back"

    "Look, you don't have to be THIS rude!"

    "I'm not, I'm giving you the option, get a visitor permit or take the ticket, it's up to you"

    "I don't like your attitude, you're being hostile"

    "No, I'm not"

    "Yes you are, you're being unacceptably rude with me!"

    "Fine, I'm rude, Ticket or parking pass? What's it going to be?"

    "I'll just take the ticket (pulling it off dash), because I'm not going to f*cking pay it!" she says, as she gets in and drives off.



    Oooh, that wasn't very smart, Sister, not smart at all.

    See, the borough ordinance says that we can't collect on the tickets, but, it does have a little technicality in it, a Catch-22 if you will, that I know well: "Any vehicle with 4 outstanding unpaid tickets may be towed"

    That INCLUDES private tickets, we can't force you to pay them, but if you have 4 on file, unpaid? We can tow you again, and again, and again, until you DO pay them.

    Oh, and look at that, the very next morning, look who's car is back in the lot, without a permit? And now with FOUR outstanding tickets?

    And guess who was too slow on the draw to beat me this time?

    So, yes, in the end, she didn't pay "that f*cking ticket..."

    She paid for a tow, dollies, that ticket AND FOUR MORE....

    Was it worth it? Sister?

    And on a related note, hot damn, I'd make an excellent one of those fictional genies that screw you over by giving you what you technically wished for but obviously didn't want... wouldn't I?

    "You said this wouldn't hurt me!"

    "I said it wouldn't KILL you, and you'd be surprised what a man can live through..."


    Not Clear on the Concept of "IN WRITING" Are We?

    To the man who demanded we provide "in writing" the reason for why he got towed:

    You apparently didn't notice that the receipt you got upon pick up is just a carbon copy of the tow slip the driver fills out for each tow that lists the date it was towed, the location of the tow, the time it was called in, the time we got on scene, the time we left, the reason for the tow, all equipment used and all noted damages if any?

    You essentially, demanded what we just gave you... a 2nd time?

    Did you want us to like, photocopy it or something?

    No, you wanted it "in writing", like what? You want a hand drawn artist's interpretation of that slip?

    I'm generally confused... you asked for our writing, in writing?

    And then you threatened to sue us and/or raise Hell with management this Monday because, it's apparently law that we have to provide things "In writing" to you upon demand.... and we were "refusing" to honor the request? By giving you a WRITEN receipt containing all pertinent information already? And nothing more?

    Oh well, you were the same gentleman who, despite us having this car for only 1 hour and 46 minutes, claimed that you'd been waiting "for six hours" outside the office because both drivers on shift were returning from a 911 call when you showed up and waited, at the most, 20 minutes for the first one to get back? Aren't you?

    I'm not surprised.

    Not even this level of cognitive dysfunction surprises me anymore.

    Nothing short of mechanical carnivorous flying sheep descending on the office would really surprise me frankly.

    P.S. to any malicious genies out there, that was a BOAST, not a WISH, okay? We cool?

    Aaaaaaaaand sleep......
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    I'm so glad you're back. And so much gladder I don't drive. No depth perception. The thing is, I know this, so I'm not going to tempt fate and kill people by trying to drive.

    Welcome back.
    Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

    Comment


    • #3
      *leans back with a goofy grin*
      Ooooo, that's some gooood Arga.

      Glad to see you back, man!
      "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
      "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
      "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
      "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
      "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
      "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
      Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
      "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks, I needed this.

        Friendly Neighborhood Towing, You Parked on a Lark, We Took the Car in the Dark, How can we help you?
        priceless
        AkaiKitsune
        Sarcasm dear, sarcasm. I’m well aware that dealing with civilians in any capacity will skin your faith in humanity alive, then pickle anything that remains so as to watch it shrivel up into an immortal husk thus reminding you of how dead inside you now are.

        Comment


        • #5
          My Sunday morning is a little happier for having read a new Argabarga!

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Argabarga View Post
            Nothing short of mechanical carnivorous flying sheep descending on the office would really surprise me frankly.

            P.S. to any malicious genies out there, that was a BOAST, not a WISH, okay? We cool?
            I would bet that you would still make them pay to get their vehicles out of impound.

            Unless the vehicles were the mechanical carnivorous flying sheep, in which case the shepherds would have to pay the impound fee.
            "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Ironclad Alibi View Post
              I would bet that you would still make them pay to get their vehicles out of impound.

              Unless the vehicles were the mechanical carnivorous flying sheep, in which case the shepherds would have to pay the impound fee.
              I'd be more concerned about the fact someone would OWN such a thing:

              "I realized too late that mankind wasn't ready for carnivorous automated flying sheep.... I'm sorry, please forgive me"
              - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Argabarga View Post
                I'd be more concerned about the fact someone would OWN such a thing:

                "I realized too late that mankind wasn't ready for carnivorous automated flying sheep.... I'm sorry, please forgive me"
                Now that such a thing has been thought of, somewhere out there, someone is making porn of it... *shudders*

                Comment


                • #9
                  (flying tackle hug) You have been greatly missed. Yes, quality is more important than quantity, and you've delivered generously as always, but the occasional "hey, still alive" would be nice.

                  As for the mechanical flying carnivorous sheep, even that wouldn't raise an eyebrow for me here in 2020. Any year that includes zombie tropical storms has exhausted its capacity for surprise.
                  "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

                  "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Minflick View Post
                    My Sunday morning is a little happier for having read a new Argabarga!
                    Mine too, glad to see you again, Agra.
                    I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my keister!

                    Who is John Galt?
                    -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Wow, it's a Tow File! Missed these very much.

                      Why do people think it's a good idea to keep parking in the same spot over and over again with a permit? Lack of common sense? Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't getting a permit [or not parking in the same spot over and over again] just be cost effective?
                      Eh, one day I'll have something useful here. Until then, have a cookie or two.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        No idea. I'm sure some are of the "sticking it to THE MAN" persuasion...while getting stuck by same, themselves. Could also be whatever mysterious force compels criminals to re-visit the site of the crime.
                        "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                        "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                        "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                        "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                        "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                        "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                        Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                        "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Android Kaeli View Post
                          Wow, it's a Tow File! Missed these very much.

                          Why do people think it's a good idea to keep parking in the same spot over and over again with a permit? Lack of common sense? Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't getting a permit [or not parking in the same spot over and over again] just be cost effective?
                          Honestly, I think it comes down to laziness.

                          A few people are purposely defiant, and a few are too stupid to understand the causality of getting towed being a consequence of not following rules, but 4/5ths of it is just devil-may-care laziness.

                          Yes, they'll get towed, yes they'll be cost a lot of money, but, it's still the "easy" choice because they don't have to do anything extra but pull into the lot and park, going and getting a permit is extra steps and they just would rather not do it, it's easier to ignore the rules and take your chances, even if those chances are a near-100% chance of being towed.
                          - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Yay! A new Tow Files!

                            2020 really isn't screwing around, hmmm?
                            "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
                            -Mira Furlan

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I'm legitimately sad I haven't gotten to have someone towed from our building yet. It's theoretically possible but I'm not going to watch the cameras all day. Despite how delicious a prize it would be.

                              I like businesses like towing where the idea isn't to retain repeat customers. So you don't have to bow and scrap to arseholes because management tells you to.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X