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It almost doesn't seem legal sometimes. "Okay, here's what we want you to do. Sit on the phone for 40 hours a week. You will get screamed at, insulted, antagonized, provoked, complained at, argued with, threatened, and driven to the brink of insanity every single day. But we're going to pay you ($$$) for it."
On with the show.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Finding it difficult to type while wearing a straight jacket
(un)Real Estate
SM: That stupid woman who put me through to you told me to sell my house and move.
ME: I'm fairly certain she didn't-
SM: I don't get signal! I want to cancel and you want to charge me a fee! How can you charge me a fee or expect me to pay $XX.XX a month for service I can't use?
ME: I understand how frustrating it can be when-
SM: Why don't I get signal in my house?
ME: Because although you are in a coverage area, the signal strength may not be strong enough to get inside the building. However, there are several options we can-
SM: So it is my house's fault? You are stupid like the other girl. I'm just supposed to buy a new house so I can get your service?
ME: That's not what I'm suggesting.
SM: You cannot hold me to a contract. I don't get signal! You are required to provide signal in a public place, and you cannot do that! So take off my contract and don't charge me the fee if I cancel.
First of all, your house is not a public place. Second of all, we're not required to provide service anywhere, and your contract states that service is subject to availability. Now, I'm not a total Ice Queen here, I'll usually try to work with you if you're clearly not getting any service or use thereof. But when you use all but 20 minutes in a month, I see no way for you to dispute that you're "paying for service you can't use." Finally, at no point did I say anything about selling your house and moving. Unless you are moving to the other side of the globe from me, thus making yourself as far from me as possible. I'll let you out of the contract for that.
If I could choke you with my mind...
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Hee hee. Yes, I'd like to have my phone replaced, hee hee.
ME: What seems to be the problem with it?
SW: Hee hee. Most of the buttons don't work anymore, hee hee. So I need to, hee hee, get another one.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that, let me just take a look at your phone here.
SW: Hee hee.
ME: Looks like the warranty on the phone expired 6 months ago. But we can see about getting you a new phone in our upgrade program.
SW: But, hee hee, the phone isn't working. I'd think you could still replace it for a good customer, hee hee.
ME: If it were that easy, sure. But if a warranty is expired, the system won't even give me the option to replace the phone. Now, we have several newer phones, even free phones that can-
SW: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE PHONE ISN'T WORKING! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WARRANTY! YOU EITHER TAKE CARE OF ME OR I'LL GO TO A COMPANY THAT WILL!!!!
ME (
Holy crap, she's a werewanker!): I'm trying to take care of you, but I can only exchange a phone if it's in warranty. What I can do for you is-
SW: (COMPETITOR) WILL TAKE CARE OF ME! THEY'D DO IT AND YOU WON'T SO YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME!
ME: (Competitor) will take care of you for any phone that is in warranty. They use the same manufacturers we do, and all phone manufacturers have a 12 month warranty.
SW: FINE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE STUPID PHONE RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS, I'LL WORRY ABOUT IT LATER. I ALSO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BILL!
ME (oh joy): Alright, how can I help you with the bill. I see it's $XXX.XX.
SW: Hee hee. There are calls on my bill that I didn't make, hee hee.
ME: Okay, can you give me the times, dates, and numbers that you are disputing and I can research those for you?
SW: Well, hee hee, I don't have my bill with me. But this happened before, so, hee hee, I'm not going to have it happen again, hee hee.
ME: I'd have to be able to know exactly what calls you're disputing. Just looking over your call records, I don't see anything out of the ordinary.
SW: Okay, hee hee. I'll just wait til I have my bill and call back, hee hee.
Sorry to steal your term, GK, but I'm pretty sure that's what I was dealing with here. And what in the name of Cousin Balki was with that tittering laugh throughout the whole call? I found nothing at all amusing about her her situation, which only made her psychotic outburst that much more disturbing.
How about no?
SM: I want this ($300) phone for free!
ME: Unfortunately that isn't a free phone, but I can get if for you for $149.99.
SM: But other store across street is offering free. This store not offering free. You make them give me for free!
I like how people think that I'm somehow above the store and that I can force them to do anything I please, that I can somehow link up with their system and make them do the customers' bidding, or pull strings and make them dance for the customer like I'm some kind of phone-dwelling marionette. Oh wait, no I don't.
On the next episode of Phonetards' Court
SM: Why do I have this bill? I canceled my service.
ME: Right, and this is the final bill of service for the 12 days it was active before it canceled.
SM: Well, I'm not paying it, so you might as well take it off.
ME: Why shouldn't you pay for service you had and used during that period of time?
SM: Because I don't want to.
ME: Okay, that's your choice then.
SM: And if send me to collections, I'll take you to small claims court.
Oh I'm sorry. Is this the part where I beg for mercy? First of all, you can't sue us (it's in your terms of service). Secondly, if you did manage to somehow get to a class-action suit over this where it could be taken to court, it wouldn't be Small Claims court. Thirdly, no attorney in the world would take your case, since one doesn't exist in this situation. Fourthly, there isn't a judge in the world who wouldn't throw this case out within 5 minutes. Finally, I hate you.
No, I think our company will be just fine. There won't be anything left of you anyway after the Collections Agency descends on you like a pack of rabid jackals.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
SW: Do you want me to turn the phone off?
ME: No, that won't be necessary. I'm sending you the update to your voicemail over the air, your phone needs to be connected to receive it.
SW: Oh, okay.
ME: ........
SW: .......
ME: Did you receive the notification yet?
SW: Oh, I haven't cut my phone back on yet. Should I do that?
No. In fact, what I'd like you to do is grip the phone with your Cheeto-encrusted hand and beat yourself in the head with it until I say stop. I'll set a follow-up and call you back next week. If you happen to pass out in the meantime, just start over again when you regain consciousness.
On preparedness
SW: Can you give me the confirmation number so I can write it down?
ME: The system doesn't generate a confirmation number for canceling service, but I can give you my rep ID # for your records.
SW: Okay, hold on. I need to get a pen.
Not that I mind sitting here for 3 minutes listening to you bang around in your trailer and hearing your hillbilly offspring shout at each other (it's better than talking to you or taking another call), but how can you ask me to provide you with information that you want to have a written record of without actually having access to the implement necessary to capture that data?
I'm going to need serious psychiatric help later in life, I just know it.
On with the show.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Finding it difficult to type while wearing a straight jacket
(un)Real Estate
SM: That stupid woman who put me through to you told me to sell my house and move.
ME: I'm fairly certain she didn't-
SM: I don't get signal! I want to cancel and you want to charge me a fee! How can you charge me a fee or expect me to pay $XX.XX a month for service I can't use?
ME: I understand how frustrating it can be when-
SM: Why don't I get signal in my house?
ME: Because although you are in a coverage area, the signal strength may not be strong enough to get inside the building. However, there are several options we can-
SM: So it is my house's fault? You are stupid like the other girl. I'm just supposed to buy a new house so I can get your service?
ME: That's not what I'm suggesting.
SM: You cannot hold me to a contract. I don't get signal! You are required to provide signal in a public place, and you cannot do that! So take off my contract and don't charge me the fee if I cancel.
First of all, your house is not a public place. Second of all, we're not required to provide service anywhere, and your contract states that service is subject to availability. Now, I'm not a total Ice Queen here, I'll usually try to work with you if you're clearly not getting any service or use thereof. But when you use all but 20 minutes in a month, I see no way for you to dispute that you're "paying for service you can't use." Finally, at no point did I say anything about selling your house and moving. Unless you are moving to the other side of the globe from me, thus making yourself as far from me as possible. I'll let you out of the contract for that.
If I could choke you with my mind...
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Hee hee. Yes, I'd like to have my phone replaced, hee hee.
ME: What seems to be the problem with it?
SW: Hee hee. Most of the buttons don't work anymore, hee hee. So I need to, hee hee, get another one.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that, let me just take a look at your phone here.
SW: Hee hee.
ME: Looks like the warranty on the phone expired 6 months ago. But we can see about getting you a new phone in our upgrade program.
SW: But, hee hee, the phone isn't working. I'd think you could still replace it for a good customer, hee hee.
ME: If it were that easy, sure. But if a warranty is expired, the system won't even give me the option to replace the phone. Now, we have several newer phones, even free phones that can-
SW: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE PHONE ISN'T WORKING! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WARRANTY! YOU EITHER TAKE CARE OF ME OR I'LL GO TO A COMPANY THAT WILL!!!!
ME (
Holy crap, she's a werewanker!): I'm trying to take care of you, but I can only exchange a phone if it's in warranty. What I can do for you is-SW: (COMPETITOR) WILL TAKE CARE OF ME! THEY'D DO IT AND YOU WON'T SO YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT ME!
ME: (Competitor) will take care of you for any phone that is in warranty. They use the same manufacturers we do, and all phone manufacturers have a 12 month warranty.
SW: FINE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE STUPID PHONE RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS, I'LL WORRY ABOUT IT LATER. I ALSO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BILL!
ME (oh joy): Alright, how can I help you with the bill. I see it's $XXX.XX.
SW: Hee hee. There are calls on my bill that I didn't make, hee hee.
ME: Okay, can you give me the times, dates, and numbers that you are disputing and I can research those for you?
SW: Well, hee hee, I don't have my bill with me. But this happened before, so, hee hee, I'm not going to have it happen again, hee hee.
ME: I'd have to be able to know exactly what calls you're disputing. Just looking over your call records, I don't see anything out of the ordinary.
SW: Okay, hee hee. I'll just wait til I have my bill and call back, hee hee.
Sorry to steal your term, GK, but I'm pretty sure that's what I was dealing with here. And what in the name of Cousin Balki was with that tittering laugh throughout the whole call? I found nothing at all amusing about her her situation, which only made her psychotic outburst that much more disturbing.
How about no?
SM: I want this ($300) phone for free!
ME: Unfortunately that isn't a free phone, but I can get if for you for $149.99.
SM: But other store across street is offering free. This store not offering free. You make them give me for free!
I like how people think that I'm somehow above the store and that I can force them to do anything I please, that I can somehow link up with their system and make them do the customers' bidding, or pull strings and make them dance for the customer like I'm some kind of phone-dwelling marionette. Oh wait, no I don't.
On the next episode of Phonetards' Court
SM: Why do I have this bill? I canceled my service.
ME: Right, and this is the final bill of service for the 12 days it was active before it canceled.
SM: Well, I'm not paying it, so you might as well take it off.
ME: Why shouldn't you pay for service you had and used during that period of time?
SM: Because I don't want to.
ME: Okay, that's your choice then.
SM: And if send me to collections, I'll take you to small claims court.
Oh I'm sorry. Is this the part where I beg for mercy? First of all, you can't sue us (it's in your terms of service). Secondly, if you did manage to somehow get to a class-action suit over this where it could be taken to court, it wouldn't be Small Claims court. Thirdly, no attorney in the world would take your case, since one doesn't exist in this situation. Fourthly, there isn't a judge in the world who wouldn't throw this case out within 5 minutes. Finally, I hate you.
No, I think our company will be just fine. There won't be anything left of you anyway after the Collections Agency descends on you like a pack of rabid jackals.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
SW: Do you want me to turn the phone off?
ME: No, that won't be necessary. I'm sending you the update to your voicemail over the air, your phone needs to be connected to receive it.
SW: Oh, okay.
ME: ........
SW: .......
ME: Did you receive the notification yet?
SW: Oh, I haven't cut my phone back on yet. Should I do that?
No. In fact, what I'd like you to do is grip the phone with your Cheeto-encrusted hand and beat yourself in the head with it until I say stop. I'll set a follow-up and call you back next week. If you happen to pass out in the meantime, just start over again when you regain consciousness.
On preparedness
SW: Can you give me the confirmation number so I can write it down?
ME: The system doesn't generate a confirmation number for canceling service, but I can give you my rep ID # for your records.
SW: Okay, hold on. I need to get a pen.
Not that I mind sitting here for 3 minutes listening to you bang around in your trailer and hearing your hillbilly offspring shout at each other (it's better than talking to you or taking another call), but how can you ask me to provide you with information that you want to have a written record of without actually having access to the implement necessary to capture that data?
I'm going to need serious psychiatric help later in life, I just know it.
here, but............. 
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