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  • Prison: As Seen On TV

    This thread is NSFW

    Been doing a lot of spring cleaning. A lot. But, I've also been laying down the law on the crackheads, cho-mo's (prisonspeak for Child Molesters), gangstas, killers, and raving lunatics. So here goes.

    Handy Prison Term Dictionary

    Cellhouse: Building that houses inmates.
    Dayroom: Kind of like indoor recess for inmates.
    Yard: Outdoor recess for inmates.
    Condition 30: Radio code for "Officer needs assistance."
    Signal Medical: Radio code for "Medical response needed."
    Crisis Level: Level of severity for handling inmates with mental problems. The higher the level, the more they have to be monitored, and the closer they are to be taken to Infirmary, stripped naked, diapered, strapped to a bed, and injected with a "happy shot."
    Foodpass: Small door at about stomach-height that can be opened to hand inmates their meal trays, bedding, whatever. Only locked for Segregation inmates.
    Beanhole: Non-PC slang term for Food Pass.
    Segregation: "Solitary Confinement," basically. Where the inmates who don't play well with others live.
    Intake: Where all the new inmates live for the first 8-12 weeks of confinement until they are classified and issued a custody level (minimum, medium, high, max, special management, and so on). I work in the 2 intake houses most of the time. I love them, because we try to shape them into being good inmates. By enforcing the rules to the letter and writing them up.
    Observation Cell: A cell where an inmate can be monitored from the cellhouse control room 24 hours a day. Lovingly referred to as the "Booty Cell," because when an inmate gets put in there, they are stripped naked, cuffed, and escorted there by SST. The Booty Cells have a mattress on the floor and a toilet. That's it.
    Celly: Cellmate
    SST: Special Security Team. They guys in black. The ones who get to play with all the cool toys. The ones who mace each other in their free time. They'll save your ass if you need help though.
    CO: Corrections Officer. My rank. Most inmates will yell, "Hey CO!" if they need something.
    DR: Disciplinary Report. Kind of like writing the inmate a ticket. They can lose dayroom time, be fined up to $10 (a lot of money if you only get $29.50 a month to live on), be required to work extra hours without pay (if they have a job), or be put in Segregation for a week or two.
    Forced Cell Move: When an inmate is acting violent/crazy/whatever, SST comes in, maces them, cuffs them, and moves them to another cell.

    And, of course,

    I/M: Inmate
    ME: Myself
    CW: Coworker

    The Greatest Threat Ever

    I/M1: Hey, man, what's happenin'?
    I/M2: ....
    I/M1: What, you ain't gonna roll with us?
    I/M2: In my country, we would cook you.
    I/M1: Say what?
    I/M2: We cook you LIKE BARBEQUE!
    I/M1: Damn, that's hardcore.

    Indeed. Sometimes it's hard to maintain a stone-cold demeanor, but I manage.

    Um....Okay....

    I/M: Hey, CO!
    ME: Yeah?
    I/M: Hey, uh, I need to be moved to a different cell.
    ME: Why?
    I/M: It's my celly. He smells like shit.
    ME: Does he shower?
    I/M: Yeah, but he just shits. All the time. He shits all day.

    Wow. It really must suck to be you. The nature of the complaints I get these days are on a whole different level than my retail/customer service days.

    PWND!

    I was in the control room for one of the Intake cellhouses on the particular evening this incident occurred. I gave the inmates a 10-minute warning via intercom that Dayroom was closing in 10 minutes. That means give the card/chess boards/whatever back to the floor officer at the desk, get ice or whatever you need, and start the process of moving your ass to your cell. I gave a 5-minute warning and opened the cell doors. One I/M is still on the phone (we have phones in the Dayroom, they can use prepaid calling cards to make calls). He made no attempt to end the conversation. I even gave a 1-minute warning by flashing the overhead lights. Then, I started closing doors. I/M hangs up and bolts to his cell. I knew he wasn't going to make it, so I was prepared to write him a warning for failure to adhere to calls or passes, which is a minor offense. Written Warnings are just paperwork that goes in their file, and if they do it again, they get a DR. Now, I could have just stopped his door or even opened it fully for him, but that's not my style.

    Then he decides to try to jump sideways into his cell, and gets pinned in the doorway. That is a violation of a higher offense, Interference With Cell Door Operation and/or Visibility. That is a Class I offense. I figured since he decided to go for the gold, I'd reward him with a DR. He got fined, lost his phone privileges for a week, and got a few days in Segregation.

    Spooky

    I worked in one of the Segregation cellhouses one day. The one that houses the worst of the worst, and the capital offenders. I saw Jonathan Carr. Handed him his meal tray through his Food Pass. I looked into his eyes, and they were empty. I've heard the expression of looking into the eyes of a condemned man, and now I understand it. He's going to be executed eventually (we don't have an execution chamber at our facility, but he'll be transferred to the facility that does when the time comes).

    I've linked to his story before, but if you Google "Carr Brothers," you can get the full story. These guys are some seriously bad mofo's.

    Just When You Thought School Cafeteria Food Was Bad...

    I/M1: What the hell is that, anyway?
    I/M2: Uh... We-Hate-You-Convict Stew.
    ME: Actually, that's not an acceptable term. It's "We-Hate-You-[B]Inmate[B] Stew."

    I love my job. I don't even have to sugar-coat my smartassery anymore. The stew, for the record, was some unholy concoction of unknown meat (or at least meat-like substance), carrots, potatoes, and some sort of lumpy, gelatinous goo. I figure most of the meat they get is whatever our perimeter driver runs over while driving around the outside of the fence every day, and/or whatever critters happen to get tangled in the razor-wire.

    Cuckoo For Cocoa-Puffs

    Our most notorious cutter spends a lot of time at the Mental Health Hospital across the state. Then they get tired of him and send him back to us. He cuts himself quite a bit. The day he came back from his most recent trip to the loony bin was a day I was working the Segregation cellhouse he lives in. I escorted him to the shower, and he had scars all over his body. It was pretty disturbing. None of which, however, were as disturbing as a fresh scar on his cheek. As he came out, he wanted to make sure we noticed it. He had probably done it a few days before, but it was still purple.

    I/M: Hey Sarge, you like my new pitchfork?
    Sgt: Oh, uh, yes, it's very nice.
    I/M: Yeah, I thought so too. Especially since I couldn't see what I was doing.

    Dude is nuts. His crime? He wanted $18 from his grandmother to buy drugs. She wouldn't give it to him, so he cut her head off. He's currently suing 48 officers from an incident in January where he was going berserk in the infirmary, and they had to subdue him. About 90% of the officers named in the suit either weren't on that shift or had the day off. We get sued a lot, most of them don't go anywhere.

    Some Do, Though

    There is a guy who won a lawsuit, and he got paid tons of money by the state. He, uh. loves ducks. LOVES them. The kind of love that gets you put in prison. He was caught loving a duck, and his nickname is "Quackers." The other inmates in his cellhouse go nuts when he is taken out for showers (since he's in Segregation because he also killed someone). The inmates all start screaming "Quack quack!" and "Aflac!" The problem was, there were a few officers doing it too, hence the suit.

    Hangman

    I was making my rounds in one of my regular posts, and I noticed an inmate had tied his bedsheet to the top rung of the ladder to the top bunk in his cell. He doesn't have a cellmate, but most of the cells are set up to hold 2 men. He was leaning back, with the sheet held level with his throat, pulling against the sheet with his full body weight. He was already on Crisis Level I, which just means they are concerned he might do something at some point, and he had been found to be spitting out his anti-psychotic meds the last few days, so I knew something wasn't right. I realized he was testing the durability of his knot, making sure it would hold him, and told my Sergeant. We notified the Mental Health nurse, and she authorized us to remove his sheets. We asked him to hand them to us through his Food Pass, and he complied. SST showed up soon afterwards, and he was moved to a Booty Cell and placed on Crisis Level II. This meant he had to be monitored ever 15 minutes, and his activities had to be logged by the control officer. He was only allowed to have his boxers, no shirt, sheets, or anything. He told the Mental Health nurse when she came by to talk to him that he did have thoughts of hurting himself. He agreed to not harm himself so a Mental Health Doctor could come down and talk to him the following day.

    It wasn't until I got home several hours later that I saved someone's life. If I had come a few minutes later, it could have been over.

    Then again....

    Today, I heard another officer talking to my Sargent about the same I/M.

    CW: So, I hear they're about to do a Forced Cell Move on (I/M).
    SGT: Today?
    CW: Yep.
    SGT: Is he poopy? He was poopy yesterday.
    SGT: I don't know. They just decided to wait until today to figure out what to do with him.
    ME: Um.... hold on. I haven't been in that cellhouse since Sunday when he tried to hang himself. What did he do?
    SGT: Oh, yesterday he smeared poo all over his window in his cell door, all over his walls, and himself.
    Me; Lovely. So he's going to be taking a trip down to Infirmary to be strapped down for awhile.
    SGT: Yeah, he still isn't taking his meds, so now they're going to inject him with them.

    That'll teach me to save someone's life. Fun Fact: If an inmate dies, we just file an incident report and that's that. Sometimes it seems easier.
    "You are loved" - Plaidman.

  • #2
    Really Nice Post
    Some really good stories in there.
    - Boochan

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Kara View Post
      I/M2: We cook you LIKE BARBEQUE!
      I/M1: Damn, that's hardcore.
      I'm guessing I/M2 gets plenty of
      Unseen but seeing
      oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
      There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
      3rd shift needs love, too
      RIP, mo bhrionglóid

      Comment


      • #4
        AFLAC......That one cracked me up.

        Seriously Kara, you should write a book about all of this. I could read these for hours.

        Comment


        • #5
          Took your advice and Googled the Carr Brothers. Bastards. Please punch Carr in the throat for me.

          Poor lil duckies. I love ducks too, but damn!

          Love your stories Kara, please keep them coming! Fascinating!
          "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" Dante-"Clerks"

          Comment


          • #6
            when i think of soulless, heartless bastards, the carr brothers will now come to mind.

            i also find ducks adorable, but not at that level. i've heard of sheep/dogs/horses/pigs, but ducks?? that is taking a disturbed mentality to a whole NEW level. oO

            mm, so IM 2 likes his long piggy, eh?
            look! it's ghengis khan!
            Sorry, but while I can do many things, extracting heads from anuses isn't one of them. (so sayeth the irv)

            Comment


            • #7
              Wow, Kara! You must have a spine of steel and skin like a rhinocerous to work there. I wouldn't last two minutes in prison, on either side of the bars. You totally have my respect.
              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
              My LiveJournal
              A page we can all agree with!

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Kara View Post
                [I]The inmates all start screaming "Quack quack!" and "Aflac!" The problem was, there were a few officers doing it too, hence the suit.

                I SOOOO couldn't be a guard. I almost peed my pants just now from laughing at the visual this conjured.
                "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Kara View Post
                  Some Do, Though

                  There is a guy who won a lawsuit, and he got paid tons of money by the state. He, uh. loves ducks. LOVES them. The kind of love that gets you put in prison. He was caught loving a duck, and his nickname is "Quackers." The other inmates in his cellhouse go nuts when he is taken out for showers (since he's in Segregation because he also killed someone). The inmates all start screaming "Quack quack!" and "Aflac!" The problem was, there were a few officers doing it too, hence the suit.
                  At least yours is funny! We had one that was already in the courts and got bolstered after the state pen riot in 1980 and resulted in the Duran Consent Decree.

                  Quoth chainedbarista View Post
                  when i think of soulless, heartless bastards, the carr brothers will now come to mind.
                  While I agree that they are soulless, heartless bastards, that space in my mind is occupied by David Parker Ray and his girlfriend, Cindy Hendy.
                  It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Peppergirl View Post
                    I SOOOO couldn't be a guard.
                    Bet ya I could be!
                    Bwahahahahahahaha!!

                    But seriously, Kara you have the best stories.
                    Ridiculous 2009 Predictions: Evil Queen will beat Martha Stewart to death with a muffin pan. All hail Evil Queen! (Some things don't need elaboration.....) -- Jester

                    Ridiculous 2010 Predictions: Evil Queen, after escaping prison for last years prediction, goes out and waffle irons Rachel Ray to death. -- SG15Z

                    Ridiculous 2011 Prediction: Evil Queen will beat Gordon Ramsay over the head with a cast-iron skillet. -- FireHeart

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Kara, this is the first of your prison stories I've come across.

                      Congrats on getting the job. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner!

                      Fascinating stories. I don't know how you do it...

                      And I'm sorry that I looked up the Carr brothers. Scary....
                      I will not shove “it” up my backside. I do not know what “it” is, but in my many years on this earth I have figured out that that particular port hole is best reserved for emergency exit only. -GK

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth XCashier View Post
                        Wow, Kara! You must have a spine of steel and skin like a rhinocerous to work there.
                        You know, it's really a lot like dealing with a bunch of kids in daycare. Except that in one, you'd swear you were dealing with a bunch of monsters, and in the other, they really are a bunch of monsters.

                        Seriously, they bother you all day with pointless questions/complaints, they bitch and whine because they want out for dayroom, they gripe about how hungry they are, and then when it's time for Chow they throw a fit about how bad the food is. They won't shut up when they're supposed to, they pull all kinds of shit when they think you aren't looking, then claim innocence and/or stupidity when they get caught red-handed. And any disciplinary action that they receive is unfair.

                        Some officers really do get too complacent and stop being so cautious. That's usually when they get beaten or even start looking the other way when inmates are blatantly disregarding the rules. I don't care what they're in for, I treat every one of them as though they are mass murderers, and as though they have every infectious incurable disease known to man. Because the fact is, we do have inmates in for 1st Degree Murder running around in General Population cellhouses, where they can have jobs (either within the facility or at one of the two manufacturing companies that have small on-site plants), and we have more than a few guys with AIDS, MRSA, Staph, and Hepatitis A, B, and C. I don't take any chances.

                        That's not to say that I'm a total bitch. I'm just strictly by-the-book. But I'll talk with inmates about whatever (a lot of guys just need you to stand there and listen to them for a few minutes), but I don't mention any aspect of my personal life. I even joke with them at times, which they enjoy because I always have my serious "Officer Kara" face on. I enjoy it too, because most of the time they don't know if I'm serious or just messing with them. But I never let my guard down, and when it comes time to lay down the law, I do it. I haven't had to fight anyone or call a Condition or anything (yet), but it's always in the back of my mind that anything could happen at any time.

                        And yet, I like it. I like being a figure of authority. Not that I'm an egomaniac or anything (oh, wait, I am), but this is the first job I've ever had that makes me feel like I'm not just some peon; that my duties have purpose and meaning. And I'll admit that the ever-present sense of danger is exciting. And it feels good to hear an inmate just come up to me and tell me that they really regret what they got mixed up in and how they made the wrong choices in life, and how when they get out they're going to do things right. We aren't "guards" anymore, after all. We don't just bark orders and whip the hell out of guys for the fun of it. The ultimate goal is to make sure the inmates serve their sentence and, in the process, get their lives back on track.

                        But when the poo hits the fan (or the wall, or celldoor, or unsuspecting officer), I won't have any guilt about preserving my life/safety, or the lives/safety of my fellow officers.

                        Quoth DesignFox View Post
                        And I'm sorry that I looked up the Carr brothers. Scary....
                        Yeah, they deserve what they've got coming. It's a bit of a shame that they can only be executed once. I've heard a lot of things I never thought I ever would. I think the worst one so far is a guy who raped and killed most of his family. My Lieutenant was telling me about him (he said he died this past October. Then he corrected himself by saying, "No, he didn't die. The devil took him back"), and he said the I/M told him once that his one regret about what he did was that his oldest son was in jail at the time and he didn't get to kill him too.

                        We have his son now. He's in for rape and murder. The (rotten) apple doesn't fall far from the (twisted) tree.
                        Last edited by Kara; 04-20-2008, 08:04 AM.
                        "You are loved" - Plaidman.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I just started reading your posts about working in a prsion, and I've got to say I'm fascinated. I strongly considered a career as a Corrections Officer but my fiance said no way, the job was too dangerous and he was afraid I'd burn out fast or get overwhelmed with the stressful nature of the job. I still have mixed feelings about it, but I just wanted to say I enjoy reading your posts.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Kara View Post
                            I/M2: We cook you LIKE BARBEQUE!
                            What? That inmate from Papua New Guinea or the further reaches of the Amazon? Damn.

                            Quoth Kara View Post
                            I looked into his eyes, and they were empty. I've heard the expression of looking into the eyes of a condemned man, and now I understand it.
                            God. This may sound weird, but that's entirely fascinating. Those empty eyes were the repository of a stone-cold sociopath, a clear window into the non-existence of his morality.

                            *contemplates*

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Man, those Carr brothers are some SCARY mofo's. Kara, you have some awesome stories from your job! I was about the Quackers and barbecue threat guy.
                              I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
                              Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
                              Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09

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