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Now that I have your attention 
I'd like to devote a special section to a couple of specific lines I have at work. The ones for certain unnamed US agency's with offices in Canada and, of course, the "I'm an American get me out of trouble" emergency line for US citizens in Canada. We handle the calls for all of them afterhours and we get some *real* winners on these lines.....
The Advisor
This guy calls once every week or two and always in the middle of the night. Every time he calls he calls to offer the US advice on how to fight terrorists, win the war in Iraq, stablize the Middle East, handle Katrina, deal with Korea, etc etc. Basically whatever is going on in the US right now, this guy has a plan for and calls in to let us know exactly what it is.
Some of his ideas thus far include:
1) Recruiting the Hell's Angels to use as security in Iraq.
2) Annexing Canada into the US, walling off the coastlines and forming Fortress America.
3) Using Israel as a basepoint to lay siege to the entire middle east. He's sure this can be done just by lending Israel "Some tanks".
4) Stabilize the middle east by letting Israel join the UN ( Yes, you heard that right. ) and then giving them "some planes".
5) ( During Katrina ) Renting a cruise ship and sailing it INTO New Orleans to pick people up and give them free rooms and food. Yes, sail it INTO downtown New Orleans.
6) ( During Katrina ) Commandeering all the boats in North America and sailing them all into New Orleans to form a floating city.
7) Having the Salvation Army march on North Korea. Yes, march.
Nacro-terrorist?
Once in a blue moon and not always on graveyard shift we get someone who calls just to declare war on the US. I mean literally, word for word, the call goes like "How may I help you?" "DEATH TO AMERICA!"
There was one spetacular call one of our trainees ( poor girl ) answered recently.......
NJ = Nutjob
Op: "Good evening, (insert agency name)"
NJ: "Death to the US narco-terrorists devils and their collaborators in southern Canada!"
Op: "Hello?"
NJ: "Death to the US nacro-terrorist devils!"
Op: "Um, hello?"
NJ: (At this point he starts yelling in Spanish and says "Viva la Chavez!" (Hugo Chavez))
Op: "......"
NJ: (More ranting in spanish, except he ends quite clearly with the english word "c**ksuckers")
Op: "....hello?"
NJ: *hangs up*
Terrorists!
We also have another guy that calls about once a month to report "terrorist activity". Basically whenever he sees *anything* anywhere that he thinks is unusual he reports it to us as terrorist activity. Like if he sees someone talking on their cellphone for more then 10 minutes near a bus stop he reports them as a potential terrorist.
He also occasionally calls in saying he's found evidence of terrorist activity. Apparently you can find quite a few terrorist weapons when you're sifting through the parking lot at the airport looking for cigarette butts. Lighters, anything with foreign writing on it, hell, strange pieces of plastic. All clearly evidence of terrorism.
On a side note whenever he calls in, he always sounds like he's had more then a few beers. He doesn't come across as paranoid either, he really seems to think he's being a pro-active citizen.
Help, I'm American!
We get these calls a fair amount. An American citizen will do something stupid in Canada or try to cross the border after having done something stupid in the past ( Criminal record or outstanding warrants ). Of course they get picked up by the border guards or the RCMP or whomever. Then they of course call us ( Joy! ).
No offence to my American brethren, I'm sure 99% of you are smart enough not to try and drive across the border while drunk or with a trunk full of BC weed. But what irks me about these particular callers is they always expect the fact their American to be this magic wand that gets them out of trouble in Canada.
They always find themselves tragically dissappointed when thats not the case. So, fyi, if you get picked up doing something stupid in Canada, no ones going to get out of bed at 3am to help you from the US. They think you're a moron too.
Access Denied!
Another common one is people who get denied entry to Canada. Typically because of a criminal record. When this happens they throw you on a plane and send you straight back. But they're almost always nice enough to let you at least spent the night at a hotel then fly out the next morning unless you're done something spectacularly stupid.
But you wouldn't believe the amount of people who call in to plead, whine, negiotiate or otherwise complain about being denied entry. The law's the law, you're not staying. I've had people whine about how "inconvinient" this is and blame Canada for "ruining their vacation" or "missing their son's wedding" etc etc. Usually with the "Well I hope you're happy! You just ruined my <insert relative here> <insert event/vacation/whatever here>" rant.
So it's Canada's fault your stupid?
Or the negiotiators....
"Oh it'll be fine, can't we just stay for 3 days? We're not hurting anyone!"
( Ma'am, your son was convicted of drug smuggling last time he came to Canada... ).
"Well, he was young and stupid then. I don't see why it matters now! Can't you let us stay?"
( Well, yes, your husband may have been young and stupid when he got himself a criminal record. Now he's paying for that stupidity. Karma sucks, eh? )
"Aw, come on dude! You must be able to do something! They're gonna send me back!"
( Yes, well, seeing as you were arrested for armed robbery, we kind of want you to go back. )
"Wtf? Dude, they're sending my friend back! This ruins our whole trip!"
( Your friend had a dufflebag full of books and cds on where to find, obtain and grow the best BC marijuana....ah ha! A clue, Sherlock!)
Once again, no offence to my American brethren, in fact you have my heartfelt sympathy that you too must co-exsist with idiots in your country. But, we have enough up here already as you can plainly see, so try not to send too many of them north. We'll likewise try to keep ours reined in from going south.
Perhaps we can form some sort of Mutual Idiot Restraint Argreement. M.I.R.A for short.
I'd sign it.
I'd like to devote a special section to a couple of specific lines I have at work. The ones for certain unnamed US agency's with offices in Canada and, of course, the "I'm an American get me out of trouble" emergency line for US citizens in Canada. We handle the calls for all of them afterhours and we get some *real* winners on these lines.....
The Advisor
This guy calls once every week or two and always in the middle of the night. Every time he calls he calls to offer the US advice on how to fight terrorists, win the war in Iraq, stablize the Middle East, handle Katrina, deal with Korea, etc etc. Basically whatever is going on in the US right now, this guy has a plan for and calls in to let us know exactly what it is.
Some of his ideas thus far include:
1) Recruiting the Hell's Angels to use as security in Iraq.
2) Annexing Canada into the US, walling off the coastlines and forming Fortress America.
3) Using Israel as a basepoint to lay siege to the entire middle east. He's sure this can be done just by lending Israel "Some tanks".
4) Stabilize the middle east by letting Israel join the UN ( Yes, you heard that right. ) and then giving them "some planes".
5) ( During Katrina ) Renting a cruise ship and sailing it INTO New Orleans to pick people up and give them free rooms and food. Yes, sail it INTO downtown New Orleans.
6) ( During Katrina ) Commandeering all the boats in North America and sailing them all into New Orleans to form a floating city.
7) Having the Salvation Army march on North Korea. Yes, march.
Nacro-terrorist?
Once in a blue moon and not always on graveyard shift we get someone who calls just to declare war on the US. I mean literally, word for word, the call goes like "How may I help you?" "DEATH TO AMERICA!"
There was one spetacular call one of our trainees ( poor girl ) answered recently.......
NJ = Nutjob
Op: "Good evening, (insert agency name)"
NJ: "Death to the US narco-terrorists devils and their collaborators in southern Canada!"
Op: "Hello?"
NJ: "Death to the US nacro-terrorist devils!"
Op: "Um, hello?"
NJ: (At this point he starts yelling in Spanish and says "Viva la Chavez!" (Hugo Chavez))
Op: "......"
NJ: (More ranting in spanish, except he ends quite clearly with the english word "c**ksuckers")
Op: "....hello?"
NJ: *hangs up*
Terrorists!
We also have another guy that calls about once a month to report "terrorist activity". Basically whenever he sees *anything* anywhere that he thinks is unusual he reports it to us as terrorist activity. Like if he sees someone talking on their cellphone for more then 10 minutes near a bus stop he reports them as a potential terrorist.
He also occasionally calls in saying he's found evidence of terrorist activity. Apparently you can find quite a few terrorist weapons when you're sifting through the parking lot at the airport looking for cigarette butts. Lighters, anything with foreign writing on it, hell, strange pieces of plastic. All clearly evidence of terrorism.
On a side note whenever he calls in, he always sounds like he's had more then a few beers. He doesn't come across as paranoid either, he really seems to think he's being a pro-active citizen.
Help, I'm American!
We get these calls a fair amount. An American citizen will do something stupid in Canada or try to cross the border after having done something stupid in the past ( Criminal record or outstanding warrants ). Of course they get picked up by the border guards or the RCMP or whomever. Then they of course call us ( Joy! ).
No offence to my American brethren, I'm sure 99% of you are smart enough not to try and drive across the border while drunk or with a trunk full of BC weed. But what irks me about these particular callers is they always expect the fact their American to be this magic wand that gets them out of trouble in Canada.
They always find themselves tragically dissappointed when thats not the case. So, fyi, if you get picked up doing something stupid in Canada, no ones going to get out of bed at 3am to help you from the US. They think you're a moron too.
Access Denied!
Another common one is people who get denied entry to Canada. Typically because of a criminal record. When this happens they throw you on a plane and send you straight back. But they're almost always nice enough to let you at least spent the night at a hotel then fly out the next morning unless you're done something spectacularly stupid.
But you wouldn't believe the amount of people who call in to plead, whine, negiotiate or otherwise complain about being denied entry. The law's the law, you're not staying. I've had people whine about how "inconvinient" this is and blame Canada for "ruining their vacation" or "missing their son's wedding" etc etc. Usually with the "Well I hope you're happy! You just ruined my <insert relative here> <insert event/vacation/whatever here>" rant.
So it's Canada's fault your stupid?
Or the negiotiators....
"Oh it'll be fine, can't we just stay for 3 days? We're not hurting anyone!"
( Ma'am, your son was convicted of drug smuggling last time he came to Canada... ).
"Well, he was young and stupid then. I don't see why it matters now! Can't you let us stay?"
( Well, yes, your husband may have been young and stupid when he got himself a criminal record. Now he's paying for that stupidity. Karma sucks, eh? )
"Aw, come on dude! You must be able to do something! They're gonna send me back!"
( Yes, well, seeing as you were arrested for armed robbery, we kind of want you to go back. )
"Wtf? Dude, they're sending my friend back! This ruins our whole trip!"
( Your friend had a dufflebag full of books and cds on where to find, obtain and grow the best BC marijuana....ah ha! A clue, Sherlock!)
Once again, no offence to my American brethren, in fact you have my heartfelt sympathy that you too must co-exsist with idiots in your country. But, we have enough up here already as you can plainly see, so try not to send too many of them north.
We'll likewise try to keep ours reined in from going south. Perhaps we can form some sort of Mutual Idiot Restraint Argreement. M.I.R.A for short.
I'd sign it.
<duck>
I salute you for the laugh tonight, One-Fang!!! 
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