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Dear All of My Customers:
Thank you for showing such interest in our biggest one-day sale of the year that you decided to line up outside the doors at 6 am, an hour before we opened. Seeing you be spendy gives me job security. However, a couple things need to be addressed:
First, next time you show up to one of these holiday hootenannies, pay special attention to the fine print on our ad reading "While quantities last. Sorry, no rainchecks." So, when the remote car starters we had on sale for $40 sell out in five minutes and you roll in five minutes before the end of the doorbuster, don't get pissy and screamy with me when I have to tell you they're sold out and we're not issuing rainchecks. Next time roll your ass out of bed early so you can get here earlier.
(Aside: we did write rainchecks for the car starter for about the first hour for the sale. This was management's decision and I suspect it was to shut people up and keep them in the store to buy stuff. Most likely these people will never see their car starter. Oh well, whatev, it's probably a chunk of crap if we can sell it for 40 bucks anyway.)
To the gentleman (I use the term very loosely) who told me I ruined his Christmas because I couldn't produce a car starter for him: That's two Christmases this year I've officially ruined. Yes, I'm keeping score. Quite frankly, if you're the kind of the person who lets the lack of a remote car starter ruin your holiday, then you seriously need to re-examine your life. Drink some eggnog, bake some cookies, write some Christmas cards, and chill out.
To the lady who told me the sob story about needing the car starter because her husband had a major stroke and she hasn't got time for all the things she has to do so that's why she needs the cart starter in the first place: You're telling me you don't have time to cook, clean, and look after you stroke-victim husband, but you do have time to re-wire your car or take it in someplace to have somebody do that for you? These things don't work out of the box you know. Plus, if you have a car made after 1996 and it has a certain kind of security system, you have to buy a separate doohickey and have that installed so the starter will work. Once again, you snooze you lose. We haven't been able to keep the damn things in stock anyway.
Secondly, to the assface who asked me if we were some kind of Communist store because we didn't have American flags in stock: Looks like you've figured us out! We've got pictures of Chairman Mao posted in the backroom and the break room, and the preserved corpse of Joseph Stalin up in the offices, his nostrils being used to hold pencils.
No, seriously, we only carry American flags during the spring and summer, and if you need one now go to Wally World, which is where you belong anyway. I understand they're a fairly jingoistic place and they'll probably have all the American flags you could ever want. Of course they're all probably made in China.
BTW, you wouldn't happen to be related to a Joe McCarthy would you? That guy was from just down the road from me, I'm sorry to say.
To the ladies having a conversation in front of the Christmas ornaments who gave me cat-butt faces when I told you "excuse me" because I was trying to get through with a flatbed containing two big recliners for a carryout: Perhaps you misunderstood my message. When I said excuse me, I meant get the hell out of my way before I jam this cart and its contents up both your asses. You can move. I can't move so easily. It'll only take me a few seconds to get past you and then you can go back to staring at the shiny things and blah-blah-blahing.
This is a real pet peeve of mine. We retail monkeys may be less than human to customers, but we do need to be able to move throughout the store to put stuff on the shelves so people can blow their money on that same stuff. It's not as if I'm asking you if I can stick my fingers up your nose and start digging.
One of these days I'm going to ask management if I can install one of these on my flatbed.
To the various and sundry fuckhorns who kept complaining there were no carts available for them to use in the store: Did you check outside? People are grabbing carts faster than we can bring them back inside today. They're either being used by other customers or outside in the corrals or just loose in the parking lot. No, I will not poop a shopping cart out for you. They don't make laxatives powerful enough for me to accomplish that.
In summation, have a hairy Christmas and a crappy New Year.
No love but much sincerity,
Irv
Thank you for showing such interest in our biggest one-day sale of the year that you decided to line up outside the doors at 6 am, an hour before we opened. Seeing you be spendy gives me job security. However, a couple things need to be addressed:
First, next time you show up to one of these holiday hootenannies, pay special attention to the fine print on our ad reading "While quantities last. Sorry, no rainchecks." So, when the remote car starters we had on sale for $40 sell out in five minutes and you roll in five minutes before the end of the doorbuster, don't get pissy and screamy with me when I have to tell you they're sold out and we're not issuing rainchecks. Next time roll your ass out of bed early so you can get here earlier.
(Aside: we did write rainchecks for the car starter for about the first hour for the sale. This was management's decision and I suspect it was to shut people up and keep them in the store to buy stuff. Most likely these people will never see their car starter. Oh well, whatev, it's probably a chunk of crap if we can sell it for 40 bucks anyway.)
To the gentleman (I use the term very loosely) who told me I ruined his Christmas because I couldn't produce a car starter for him: That's two Christmases this year I've officially ruined. Yes, I'm keeping score. Quite frankly, if you're the kind of the person who lets the lack of a remote car starter ruin your holiday, then you seriously need to re-examine your life. Drink some eggnog, bake some cookies, write some Christmas cards, and chill out.
To the lady who told me the sob story about needing the car starter because her husband had a major stroke and she hasn't got time for all the things she has to do so that's why she needs the cart starter in the first place: You're telling me you don't have time to cook, clean, and look after you stroke-victim husband, but you do have time to re-wire your car or take it in someplace to have somebody do that for you? These things don't work out of the box you know. Plus, if you have a car made after 1996 and it has a certain kind of security system, you have to buy a separate doohickey and have that installed so the starter will work. Once again, you snooze you lose. We haven't been able to keep the damn things in stock anyway.
Secondly, to the assface who asked me if we were some kind of Communist store because we didn't have American flags in stock: Looks like you've figured us out! We've got pictures of Chairman Mao posted in the backroom and the break room, and the preserved corpse of Joseph Stalin up in the offices, his nostrils being used to hold pencils.
No, seriously, we only carry American flags during the spring and summer, and if you need one now go to Wally World, which is where you belong anyway. I understand they're a fairly jingoistic place and they'll probably have all the American flags you could ever want. Of course they're all probably made in China.
BTW, you wouldn't happen to be related to a Joe McCarthy would you? That guy was from just down the road from me, I'm sorry to say.
To the ladies having a conversation in front of the Christmas ornaments who gave me cat-butt faces when I told you "excuse me" because I was trying to get through with a flatbed containing two big recliners for a carryout: Perhaps you misunderstood my message. When I said excuse me, I meant get the hell out of my way before I jam this cart and its contents up both your asses. You can move. I can't move so easily. It'll only take me a few seconds to get past you and then you can go back to staring at the shiny things and blah-blah-blahing.
This is a real pet peeve of mine. We retail monkeys may be less than human to customers, but we do need to be able to move throughout the store to put stuff on the shelves so people can blow their money on that same stuff. It's not as if I'm asking you if I can stick my fingers up your nose and start digging.
One of these days I'm going to ask management if I can install one of these on my flatbed.
To the various and sundry fuckhorns who kept complaining there were no carts available for them to use in the store: Did you check outside? People are grabbing carts faster than we can bring them back inside today. They're either being used by other customers or outside in the corrals or just loose in the parking lot. No, I will not poop a shopping cart out for you. They don't make laxatives powerful enough for me to accomplish that.
In summation, have a hairy Christmas and a crappy New Year.
No love but much sincerity,
Irv
Eric the Grey
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