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So here is my digest of all the SCs that have crossed our doors recently. Presented for your amusement
Stroke
Alex was dealing with a customer. What you have to remember with this one is that Alex is a trained medic who is waiting for a job to come through in the ambulance service. He won’t be with us for much longer. When there is a medical emergency, Alex is the one we go to.
This particular customer was a little bit old and wanted to exchange a netbook (I think) because it wasn’t the one he wanted. He’d made up a shed load of faults which Al had proved him wrong on each and every time. This is what ensued;
SC: You...you’re...you’re...look at what your doing to me *Holds up his hands which are shaking*
Alex: I’m sorry but I don’t quite see wha—
SC: YOU’RE GIVING ME A STROKE!
I’d been standing next to Alex the whole time working on the terminal and listening to what was going on. Even I could see he wasn’t having a stroke. I’ve had some basic medical training which includes F.A.S.T. and...well...I’m not sure what else to say there
Alex: I see. Hold your arms out straight and level for me please
SC: *Holds his arms out straight and level*
Alex: And while you’re doing that could you say “Silly Sammy ate a Sausage” in your own time
SC: Silly Sammy Ate A sausage
Alex: You’re not having a stroke. There’s nothing wrong with you
SC: I’M HAVING A STROKE! YOU’RE GIVING IT TO ME! YOU’RE MAKING ME HAVE A STROKE!!
(at this point the masturbation jokes come into my head and I have to stop myself from giggling)
Alex: I see. We’d best call you an ambulance then, shouldn’t we?
SC: no don’t do that, just GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK AND STOP MAKING ME HAVE A STROKE!
Alex: Okay, I’m going to put this plain and simple *Fetches out his wallet and shows the SC a card which I can only presume is some kind of medic ID card or something* I’m a trained Medic. I know how to tell when someone is having a stroke and when someone is just being an idiot. You Sir, are not the former. Tell me; are you aware of the FAST pneumonic? Face Arms Speech Time. Your face is straight, you can hold your arms out level, you speech isn’t impaired so we can ignore “time” in this instance. I’m not [refunding/replacing whatever it was the SC wanted] your netbook, now leave without waiting anybody else’s time
SC: *Picks up his netbook and waddles away* THESE PEOPLE GAVE ME A STROKE! I’M GOING TO COLLAPSE ON THE CARPARK BECAUSE OF THEM!
Security: Yeah, Have fun with that.
Refurb
Half the store is closed right now because we’re being refitted to the new look stores. The contractors have had to put up a tarpaulin to stop the dust from the digging they are having to do from coming over to the operating side of the store. This has of course bought on many customers asking us “What’re you having done?” “Are you extending?” “are you closing down?” etc
One customer I was dealing with had a computer that was 4 years old and the PSU had gone pop because it was clogged with dust. They were telling me it was unfit for purpose and trying to quote E.U Legislation to me
Me: The PSU has blown because of dust build-up, not because of a fault. You have no extended warranty therefore you have to buy a new Power unit!
SC: I’m not paying £120 for a new power unit! E.U Law dictates that I get a 2 year warranty with everything
Me: Okay, First off, it’s not a warranty, CHECK the damn law before you quote it to me. Secondly, your computer is 4 years old and you’re trying to use a law that lasts for 2 years. Third, the BRITISH law that we have to go by, since we live in England, Gives you the same protections as the European one but for 5 years and fourth, that law is about manufacturing defects NOT DUST!
SC: Dust is created by humans, correct?
Me: Yes. Dead skin, hair, bits of fabrics, Pet fur and a few other things
SC: So what? I should just rip off my skin, wear no clothes, have no fabrics in my house and skin my cat too??!
Me: Wha—NO!! You need to CLEAN inside your computer once in a while. Switch it off, buy an in-expensive can of compressed air, hold that near the components and fans then fire when ready. That will clear out the dust
SC: Well dust shouldn’t build up in these things!
Me: Dust is in the air! It builds up on everything
SC: You HAVE to do something for me free of charge
Me: No I don’t. By rights I should charge you for the diagnostic but that’s just too much hassle for me to bother with.
SC: *points to the curtain as he grabs his PC and storms off* It’s no wander you’re going out of business with an attitude like that!!
Next Customer: I wander how stupid he’s going to feel when he walks past and sees they’re construction workers building up the new side of the store?
Walking
This one was a brilliant one. I was really on my toes and am quite proud of this one.
SC: I’m going to damage every single staff car on this car park! Starting with YOURS!
Me: *Leans over and calls after him* You’d have a job! I WALK to work!!
SC: *Stumped...storms off*
I must confess: I don’t walk to work. I just wanted to put that guy in his place for trying that one.
Karateeee CHOP!
Some guy had been arguing with me over an exchange that I wouldn’t do because he’d broken the device. It was a £15 USB wifi dongle. He’d snapped the USB plug off it, which is easy enough to do, I’ll admit that (to anyone but customers) and on this one, I could even tell how he’d done it. It was in the back of the computer and the PC had been shoved against the wall. That’s why Manufacturers provide you with a short USB fly-lead. Use it.
Me: This has been damaged, The manufacturer won’t accept it back and I’m not exchanging it!
SC: How about I jump over this counter and smash your face in, Geek-boy?
Me: Try it. I do kickboxing so I will have no hesitation making you look like an even bigger idiot by bouncing your face off this counter, pinning you to the floor and holding you there until the police arrive to arrest you for assault.
SC: O.O;
Wages
This ones an age-old one. I think we’ve all heard this, if not had it thrown directly at us
SC: Need I remind you, young man, that I am a customer so I pay your wages!
Me: Need I remind you that if you’re gonna take that tone of voice with me, I don’t have to serve you. On the subject of wages, I’m pretty sure my wage slip doesn’t say Sucky McCustomer, but actually says Electronics Retail Group HR Dept. However, if your claim is right then I want a raise
SC: on what grounds?! You don’t deserve a raise
Me: On the grounds that I have to deal with people like you
Wireless
SC: I was sold this laptop yesterday and it doesn’t even power up! *Practically throws an open laptop at me* This place is shit
Me: Okay, there are kids around so stop swearing *Presses the power button on the laptop. The light flashes saying that the battery is totally flat* Okay, have you got the charger with you
SC: Of course not! It’s wireless
Me: *Can immediately tell where this is headed* So you’ve not charged it at all?
SC: No! It’s WIRELESS. Are you so stupid you don’t know what wireless means?!
Me: Oh I know what it means. You see this? *Pulls the battery out* This is called a Battery. You need to charge this up or the laptop won’t work
SC: That’s ridicules! I’ve never heard such a stupid thing in my whole life!
Me: That computers need electricity?
SC: But it’s Wireless! Just the same as your mobile phone. I assume you don’t live in the stone ages?
Me: Okay, you know how you have to recharge your mobile phones battery?
SC: Of course! Do you think I’m stupid or something?
Inner-Flea: Yes
Me: Well, you have to do the same with this!
Daffyd Thomas
For those of you who aren’t British and/or who have never watched “Little Brittain” let me introduce Daffyd Thomas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z45pm_gkvn0 he is just about everything I HATE about that particular type of Gay guy. Okay, up until this point I thought Daffyd was a little bit extreme and that no one was really like that. I’ve known I’m gay for at least the last 10 years and although I have met some really camp “Balls-to-the-walls” gay guys who piss me right off (you know the type. The ones that turn everything into a sexual situation, who are whores...I guess I’m trying to say the ones who really fit the stereotype) but I never thought I would meet this guy...
Basically he was there with his boyfriend and was trying to play a game of grab-ass with him while yelling at me because I wouldn’t repair a laptop they owned and had spilt something on. The one doing the talking looked and sounded a hell of a lot like Daffyd Thomas, and his behaviour was pretty much the same. But this was the highlight of the conversation
SC: So you won’t do anything for me then?
Me: Not without payment
SC: What is it you have against us?
Me: Uh...? against you guys? Nothing
SC: No, sweetheart, I mean against gays!
Me: Excuse me?
SC: Fuckin homophobe! You won’t help us because we’re gay!
Me: I won’t help you because you won’t pay me. Last Time I checked with my BOYFRIEND, I didn’t have a problem with gay people
SC: *Stumped at the realisation that he’s just called a gay guy a homophobe* well...erm...If you help us, we’ll make it worth your while *strokes my hand*
Me: AH!! Excuse you!! No! Don't touch me! (I don't like being touched like that by stangers)
The Boyfriend: (To his SC boyfriend) What the HELL do you think you’re doing?!
SC: ...?
Me: ...?
The boyfriend: I’ve stood here quietly long enough. It’s not because we’re gay, it’s not because he’s a homophobe or because he wants to get some off you, it’s because you’re a fucking IDIOT and I’ve HAD IT with you. I’m taking my car and I’m LEAVEING *Storms off*
SC: Bu---Wha—Come back!! *Chases after him*
Side-note: I’m not lucky enough to have a boyfriend. I was just illustrating a point. I have my ‘husband’ and co-conspirator instead! Lol!
Stroke
Alex was dealing with a customer. What you have to remember with this one is that Alex is a trained medic who is waiting for a job to come through in the ambulance service. He won’t be with us for much longer. When there is a medical emergency, Alex is the one we go to.
This particular customer was a little bit old and wanted to exchange a netbook (I think) because it wasn’t the one he wanted. He’d made up a shed load of faults which Al had proved him wrong on each and every time. This is what ensued;
SC: You...you’re...you’re...look at what your doing to me *Holds up his hands which are shaking*
Alex: I’m sorry but I don’t quite see wha—
SC: YOU’RE GIVING ME A STROKE!
I’d been standing next to Alex the whole time working on the terminal and listening to what was going on. Even I could see he wasn’t having a stroke. I’ve had some basic medical training which includes F.A.S.T. and...well...I’m not sure what else to say there
Alex: I see. Hold your arms out straight and level for me please
SC: *Holds his arms out straight and level*
Alex: And while you’re doing that could you say “Silly Sammy ate a Sausage” in your own time
SC: Silly Sammy Ate A sausage
Alex: You’re not having a stroke. There’s nothing wrong with you
SC: I’M HAVING A STROKE! YOU’RE GIVING IT TO ME! YOU’RE MAKING ME HAVE A STROKE!!
(at this point the masturbation jokes come into my head and I have to stop myself from giggling)
Alex: I see. We’d best call you an ambulance then, shouldn’t we?
SC: no don’t do that, just GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK AND STOP MAKING ME HAVE A STROKE!
Alex: Okay, I’m going to put this plain and simple *Fetches out his wallet and shows the SC a card which I can only presume is some kind of medic ID card or something* I’m a trained Medic. I know how to tell when someone is having a stroke and when someone is just being an idiot. You Sir, are not the former. Tell me; are you aware of the FAST pneumonic? Face Arms Speech Time. Your face is straight, you can hold your arms out level, you speech isn’t impaired so we can ignore “time” in this instance. I’m not [refunding/replacing whatever it was the SC wanted] your netbook, now leave without waiting anybody else’s time
SC: *Picks up his netbook and waddles away* THESE PEOPLE GAVE ME A STROKE! I’M GOING TO COLLAPSE ON THE CARPARK BECAUSE OF THEM!
Security: Yeah, Have fun with that.
Refurb
Half the store is closed right now because we’re being refitted to the new look stores. The contractors have had to put up a tarpaulin to stop the dust from the digging they are having to do from coming over to the operating side of the store. This has of course bought on many customers asking us “What’re you having done?” “Are you extending?” “are you closing down?” etc
One customer I was dealing with had a computer that was 4 years old and the PSU had gone pop because it was clogged with dust. They were telling me it was unfit for purpose and trying to quote E.U Legislation to me
Me: The PSU has blown because of dust build-up, not because of a fault. You have no extended warranty therefore you have to buy a new Power unit!
SC: I’m not paying £120 for a new power unit! E.U Law dictates that I get a 2 year warranty with everything
Me: Okay, First off, it’s not a warranty, CHECK the damn law before you quote it to me. Secondly, your computer is 4 years old and you’re trying to use a law that lasts for 2 years. Third, the BRITISH law that we have to go by, since we live in England, Gives you the same protections as the European one but for 5 years and fourth, that law is about manufacturing defects NOT DUST!
SC: Dust is created by humans, correct?
Me: Yes. Dead skin, hair, bits of fabrics, Pet fur and a few other things
SC: So what? I should just rip off my skin, wear no clothes, have no fabrics in my house and skin my cat too??!
Me: Wha—NO!! You need to CLEAN inside your computer once in a while. Switch it off, buy an in-expensive can of compressed air, hold that near the components and fans then fire when ready. That will clear out the dust
SC: Well dust shouldn’t build up in these things!
Me: Dust is in the air! It builds up on everything
SC: You HAVE to do something for me free of charge
Me: No I don’t. By rights I should charge you for the diagnostic but that’s just too much hassle for me to bother with.
SC: *points to the curtain as he grabs his PC and storms off* It’s no wander you’re going out of business with an attitude like that!!
Next Customer: I wander how stupid he’s going to feel when he walks past and sees they’re construction workers building up the new side of the store?
Walking
This one was a brilliant one. I was really on my toes and am quite proud of this one.
SC: I’m going to damage every single staff car on this car park! Starting with YOURS!
Me: *Leans over and calls after him* You’d have a job! I WALK to work!!
SC: *Stumped...storms off*
I must confess: I don’t walk to work. I just wanted to put that guy in his place for trying that one.
Karateeee CHOP!
Some guy had been arguing with me over an exchange that I wouldn’t do because he’d broken the device. It was a £15 USB wifi dongle. He’d snapped the USB plug off it, which is easy enough to do, I’ll admit that (to anyone but customers) and on this one, I could even tell how he’d done it. It was in the back of the computer and the PC had been shoved against the wall. That’s why Manufacturers provide you with a short USB fly-lead. Use it.
Me: This has been damaged, The manufacturer won’t accept it back and I’m not exchanging it!
SC: How about I jump over this counter and smash your face in, Geek-boy?
Me: Try it. I do kickboxing so I will have no hesitation making you look like an even bigger idiot by bouncing your face off this counter, pinning you to the floor and holding you there until the police arrive to arrest you for assault.
SC: O.O;
Wages
This ones an age-old one. I think we’ve all heard this, if not had it thrown directly at us
SC: Need I remind you, young man, that I am a customer so I pay your wages!
Me: Need I remind you that if you’re gonna take that tone of voice with me, I don’t have to serve you. On the subject of wages, I’m pretty sure my wage slip doesn’t say Sucky McCustomer, but actually says Electronics Retail Group HR Dept. However, if your claim is right then I want a raise
SC: on what grounds?! You don’t deserve a raise
Me: On the grounds that I have to deal with people like you
Wireless
SC: I was sold this laptop yesterday and it doesn’t even power up! *Practically throws an open laptop at me* This place is shit
Me: Okay, there are kids around so stop swearing *Presses the power button on the laptop. The light flashes saying that the battery is totally flat* Okay, have you got the charger with you
SC: Of course not! It’s wireless
Me: *Can immediately tell where this is headed* So you’ve not charged it at all?
SC: No! It’s WIRELESS. Are you so stupid you don’t know what wireless means?!
Me: Oh I know what it means. You see this? *Pulls the battery out* This is called a Battery. You need to charge this up or the laptop won’t work
SC: That’s ridicules! I’ve never heard such a stupid thing in my whole life!
Me: That computers need electricity?
SC: But it’s Wireless! Just the same as your mobile phone. I assume you don’t live in the stone ages?
Me: Okay, you know how you have to recharge your mobile phones battery?
SC: Of course! Do you think I’m stupid or something?
Inner-Flea: Yes
Me: Well, you have to do the same with this!
Daffyd Thomas
For those of you who aren’t British and/or who have never watched “Little Brittain” let me introduce Daffyd Thomas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z45pm_gkvn0 he is just about everything I HATE about that particular type of Gay guy. Okay, up until this point I thought Daffyd was a little bit extreme and that no one was really like that. I’ve known I’m gay for at least the last 10 years and although I have met some really camp “Balls-to-the-walls” gay guys who piss me right off (you know the type. The ones that turn everything into a sexual situation, who are whores...I guess I’m trying to say the ones who really fit the stereotype) but I never thought I would meet this guy...
Basically he was there with his boyfriend and was trying to play a game of grab-ass with him while yelling at me because I wouldn’t repair a laptop they owned and had spilt something on. The one doing the talking looked and sounded a hell of a lot like Daffyd Thomas, and his behaviour was pretty much the same. But this was the highlight of the conversation
SC: So you won’t do anything for me then?
Me: Not without payment
SC: What is it you have against us?
Me: Uh...? against you guys? Nothing
SC: No, sweetheart, I mean against gays!
Me: Excuse me?
SC: Fuckin homophobe! You won’t help us because we’re gay!
Me: I won’t help you because you won’t pay me. Last Time I checked with my BOYFRIEND, I didn’t have a problem with gay people
SC: *Stumped at the realisation that he’s just called a gay guy a homophobe* well...erm...If you help us, we’ll make it worth your while *strokes my hand*
Me: AH!! Excuse you!! No! Don't touch me! (I don't like being touched like that by stangers)
The Boyfriend: (To his SC boyfriend) What the HELL do you think you’re doing?!
SC: ...?
Me: ...?
The boyfriend: I’ve stood here quietly long enough. It’s not because we’re gay, it’s not because he’s a homophobe or because he wants to get some off you, it’s because you’re a fucking IDIOT and I’ve HAD IT with you. I’m taking my car and I’m LEAVEING *Storms off*
SC: Bu---Wha—Come back!! *Chases after him*
Side-note: I’m not lucky enough to have a boyfriend. I was just illustrating a point. I have my ‘husband’ and co-conspirator instead! Lol!
off and die already>" or something to that effect, specially right now.
Love the ownage you gave the "I'll damage your car" "I'll smash your face in" and "I pay your wages" !!!11!!! SC's. As for the Daffyd Thomas-esque SC, that was just awesome how his boy toy left him! 
it's not hard to do. The key thing is getting over that fear of what could happen if things go pear-shaped. Try it on a situation when you know you're absolutly dead-right...it's fun 
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