Just another messed up Monday

[cybiko123]

Don't you just love when the crazies come out? Fun times, eh?

And you're just noticing now?!

Me: Thank you for calling [us], this is cybiko123. How can I help you?
SC: Hello, Dave. (I'm not Dave.)
Me: HAL? Is that you?
SC: I'm not happy, Dave.
Me: Well, let's see if we can fix that. How can I help you?
SC: Do you know why?
Me: Haven't the foggiest.
SC: MY ******* SITE IS DOWN! FIX IT OR I'MMA GONNA SUE!
Me: Alright, what's the address?
SC: [address]
Me: Hmm...that's not coming up. Hold one moment?
SC: FINE, *****!
[I do some research. Site expired five years ago and was never our customer.]
Me: Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like that site expired in July 2005, and was hosted by another company before that.
SC: Are you calling me a liar?!
Me: Pardon?
SC: YOU CALLED ME A LIAR!
Me: I don't think I called you anything, sir. I was just reading bac---
SC: As a customer, I demand respect!
Me: With the word "customer" kind of loosely defined.
SC: OH **** YOU!
Me: Thanks for calling [us], have a great day!
SC: *click*


Phone service isn't here yet. Neither is time travel.

Me: [opening spiel]
SC: ...phone.
Me: Sorry?
SC: Phone. Want phone.
Me: We don't offer phone service yet. It should be available in a couple months.
SC: No! WANT phone! Jessica!
Me: Alright, Jessica, tell you what. I'll put your name on our list so that when we do start offering phone service, you'll be one of the first to get it.
SC: No, want phone now!
Me: Sorry, it's not available yet.
SC: You make available?
Me: I can't offer something we don't have.
SC: But I need it!
Me: It's not here yet.
SC: You check the back?
Me: What?! Lady, you okay over there? You sure? You need any oxygen?
SC: I talk to your boss?
Me: I'm the owner.
SC: ...I call back tomorrow.
Me: Oh joy... Alright, but---
SC: *click*

[Kristev]

Next time, pretend you're Uhura and happen to be "Losing her signal."

[telecom_goddess]

Next time, pretend you're Uhura and happen to be "Losing her signal."

Hailing frequencies NOT open

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

SC: ...phone.
...
SC: Phone. Want phone.
...
SC: No! WANT phone! Jessica!
...
SC: No, want phone now!
...
SC: You make available?
...
SC: But I need it!
...
SC: You check the back?
...
SC: I talk to your boss?

Gravekeeper? You lost one.

[MoonCat]

"Um, Jessica, I understand you 'want phone' but tell me this: What are you calling me on right now?"

[dalesys]

"Um, Jessica, I understand you 'want phone' but tell me this: What are you calling me on right now?"

This phone.

Not no more vibrate.

Life happiness gone.

[TheRabbi]

SC: As a customer, I demand respect!

Every time I see this line on this site, I recoil just a bit from the sheer inanity of the person saying this given their own behavior.

[Mondestrucken]

Ah, Jessica. Many moons come and go before phone in hand. Boss no help you. He on trail of lying man of dead site.

Sorrow.

[ZedOmega]

Phone service isn't here yet. Neither is time travel.

Me: [opening spiel]
SC: ...phone.
Me: Sorry?
SC: Phone. Want phone.
Me: We don't offer phone service yet. It should be available in a couple months.
SC: No! WANT phone! Jessica!
Me: Alright, Jessica, tell you what. I'll put your name on our list so that when we do start offering phone service, you'll be one of the first to get it.
SC: No, want phone now!
Me: Sorry, it's not available yet.
SC: You make available?
Me: I can't offer something we don't have.
SC: But I need it!
Me: It's not here yet.
SC: You check the back?
Me: What?! Lady, you okay over there? You sure? You need any oxygen?
SC: I talk to your boss?
Me: I'm the owner.
SC: ...I call back tomorrow.
Me: Oh joy... Alright, but---
SC: *click*

...

Why am I thinking that the only way to placate this woman involves two cans and a few dozen yards of string?

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

I'm still trying to figure out if this is Captain Caveman's sister or of this is one of the women from Amazonia (futurama) and if she wants "Snoo-Snoo" as well as the phone.

[ZedOmega]

I'm still trying to figure out if this is Captain Caveman's sister or of this is one of the women from Amazonia (futurama) and if she wants "Snoo-Snoo" as well as the phone.

...I now have the line 'Captain Cavegirl want snu-snu! Five clams!' running in my head and it's your fault, Mongo.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

...I now have the line 'Captain Cavegirl want snu-snu! Five clams!' running in my head and it's your fault, Mongo.

Hey, I paint with mind fucks the same way as Picasso painted with oils.

[ZedOmega]

Hey, I paint with mind fucks the same way as Picasso painted with oils.

You must teach me this art. I feel that it will help me in my quest for a utopia.

...okay, it'll come in handy as long as people can ignore the smoking craters after Mission Accomplished.

[morgana]

I'm thinking the human race would be improved by a few of those smoking craters.