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The Plot to Order a Cow
The Negotiator
A publisher gave us a stack of books for free that they couldn't sell. We couldn't sell them either. A co-worker decided to give them one last try and put them out front with a price of $10. However, she intended to accept any offer, or even give the books away, in order to get them out of our stock room.
SC: "I'll give you two dollars for this book!"
CW: "O--"
SC: "Okay, THREE dollars. It won't sell at ten. I'll give you three."
CW: "You--"
SC: "Four."
CW: "Look, you--"
SC: "Okay, five dollars. Five. But no more. And that's my final offer."
CW: "Okay."
Delighted, the SC paid for his purchase, then promptly left, forgetting his book. We never saw him again. We still have all the books.
Psychic, thy name is Customer.
C: "Mango! You always sound so cheerful on the phone! But I suppose it's only Monday and we haven't worn you out yet."
Oh, you have no idea.
Tinfoil Lady
My "Tinfoil Lady radar" went off the moment I picked up the phone.
SC: "Allo. I haf ferry important zinks zat I need you help me vith."
Me: [That's weird; I could have sworn it was her.] "Okay, how can I help?"
SC: [Accent is completely gone; ah, that's more like it.] "I need you to help my daughter. I heard that she paid taxes to the government."
Me: "May I ask how old your daughter is?"
SC: "That's not important."
Me: [waits patiently]
SC: "...30."
Me: "Okay, well, she's legally an adult, so I'm afraid there's not much you can do about your daughter. And besides, we're legally obligated to pay taxes to the government."
SC: "Do you know what? You make me very sad. Yes. You do." [click]
Be that as it may, you make me giggle.
Tinfoil Lady Redux
Me: "Good aft--"
SC: "I gave my daughter your number. If she calls, you have to tell her why shouldn't be paying taxes. Don't you know? Oh, we need more people like Frieda."
Me: "I--"
SC: [click]
Okay, one: for the benefit of everyone here: my job doesn't have anything to do with taxes. Nothing. I don't collect or give advice about taxes in any way, shape, or form. About all I have to do with taxes is I pay them when I have to, just like most Canadians. I don't particularly like it but I figure it beats the alternative.
And, two: I will always wonder. Who is Frieda?
The Nobel CSR Prize
Me: "Okay, the phone number of your doctor is (npa) nxx-xxxx."
C: "Thank you."
Me: "You are wel--"
C: "You win THE NOBEL PRIZE~#!"
Is that seriously all it takes? Because quite frankly, if that's the case, I think Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama and all those other guys must just be chronic overachievers. I'm not sure that would describe me, but I do have the phone number for Pizza Hut right here. Would you like it, too?
Some of my customers already are
Some spammer made it through our support ticket form: "Did you order a cow? Moooooooooo."
No. No, I did not order a cow. But maybe Frieda did.
Note to self: ask "What CITY are you calling from?"
Me: "Where are you calling from?"
SC: "Right here."
I can't figure this out. Throughout the rest of the call, you appeared intelligent, educated, and in fact relatively loquacious. What could possibly have made you think that was the answer I needed?
This call felt like forty-five minutes. I was astonished to discover my phone's timer only showed 16:26.
Me: "Thank you for calling [Company], my name is Mango."
SC: "[Company]! Oh, [Company]. [Company], very beautiful."
Me: "..."
SC: "I'm not sure if it's you I'm speaking to on the phone."
You're...not sure if it's me you're speaking to? You made my brain hurt just trying to understand that. Now I feel a little bit grateful for my last customer. At least she didn't say "I'm not sure if it's here where I am."
SC: "How are you doing, [Company]? Oh, wait! I mean, Mango! HAEHAHEHA~#! SNORT~#!"
Ah-HA! I KNEW I recognized your voice from somewhere. You're the SC from New Job, Old Tricks. Do you seriously confuse the name of every person you speak to with the name of the company they work for, or are you trying to amuse yourself? I can't tell.
SC: "You remember Francine? She wanted to hug me. She wanted so much to hug me, because she used the essence. She used the essence, you know?"
I do not remember Francine. However, I highly suspect Francine is involved up to her neck with Frieda, in the plot to order a cow.
SC: "...at my gym in Surrey..."
Ahh. THAT explains it. You're from Surrey.
SC: "...with pools and all that, on the corner of [Street] and [Avenue]. I moved to Surrey! I said to myself, 'I'm gonna go where the smells are good!'"
Let me get this straight. You moved to a city with one of the highest crime rates in Canada purely because "the smells are good"!??
SC: "I used to have my own business. I let it go due to a specific investigation. Now I'm an independent wellness consultant!"
HISSSSSSSSS. I think what you mean is, the entire purpose of your call is to suck me in to your multi-level marketing scheme. But I SHALL RESIST!
SC: "You gonna see the beauty of [MLM]. They believe in true medicine, not false medicine that those idiots try to pass us with the weed and
."
You must be very new to Surrey. I have to break this to you: these "idiots that try to pass you with the weed" don't have anything to do with medicine.
They are crackheads.
Bonus customer that made me smile
C: "Hello dear, this is Edith. I was calling to renew my subscription."
Me: "Okay, I'd be delighted to help you with that Edith. For another year?"
C: "Wait just a moment dear, don't you want my full name and phone number?"
Me: [glances at Caller ID] "Edith Lastname, (npa) nxx-xxxx?"
C: "Oh my! Why...yes! How did you...!?"
Me: "I remember ALL of the pretty girls!"
[My 92-year-old customer blushes so hard I can feel it through the phone.]
C: "One of these days I'll have to have a party with all of you men!"
You know what? You're 67 years older than I am, but I really look forward to that.
I shall bring chips!
.
A publisher gave us a stack of books for free that they couldn't sell. We couldn't sell them either. A co-worker decided to give them one last try and put them out front with a price of $10. However, she intended to accept any offer, or even give the books away, in order to get them out of our stock room.
SC: "I'll give you two dollars for this book!"
CW: "O--"
SC: "Okay, THREE dollars. It won't sell at ten. I'll give you three."
CW: "You--"
SC: "Four."
CW: "Look, you--"
SC: "Okay, five dollars. Five. But no more. And that's my final offer."
CW: "Okay."
Delighted, the SC paid for his purchase, then promptly left, forgetting his book. We never saw him again. We still have all the books.
Psychic, thy name is Customer.
C: "Mango! You always sound so cheerful on the phone! But I suppose it's only Monday and we haven't worn you out yet."
Oh, you have no idea.
Tinfoil Lady
My "Tinfoil Lady radar" went off the moment I picked up the phone.
SC: "Allo. I haf ferry important zinks zat I need you help me vith."
Me: [That's weird; I could have sworn it was her.] "Okay, how can I help?"
SC: [Accent is completely gone; ah, that's more like it.] "I need you to help my daughter. I heard that she paid taxes to the government."
Me: "May I ask how old your daughter is?"
SC: "That's not important."
Me: [waits patiently]
SC: "...30."
Me: "Okay, well, she's legally an adult, so I'm afraid there's not much you can do about your daughter. And besides, we're legally obligated to pay taxes to the government."
SC: "Do you know what? You make me very sad. Yes. You do." [click]
Be that as it may, you make me giggle.
Tinfoil Lady Redux
Me: "Good aft--"
SC: "I gave my daughter your number. If she calls, you have to tell her why shouldn't be paying taxes. Don't you know? Oh, we need more people like Frieda."
Me: "I--"
SC: [click]
Okay, one: for the benefit of everyone here: my job doesn't have anything to do with taxes. Nothing. I don't collect or give advice about taxes in any way, shape, or form. About all I have to do with taxes is I pay them when I have to, just like most Canadians. I don't particularly like it but I figure it beats the alternative.
And, two: I will always wonder. Who is Frieda?
The Nobel CSR Prize
Me: "Okay, the phone number of your doctor is (npa) nxx-xxxx."
C: "Thank you."
Me: "You are wel--"
C: "You win THE NOBEL PRIZE~#!"
Is that seriously all it takes? Because quite frankly, if that's the case, I think Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama and all those other guys must just be chronic overachievers. I'm not sure that would describe me, but I do have the phone number for Pizza Hut right here. Would you like it, too?
Some of my customers already are
Some spammer made it through our support ticket form: "Did you order a cow? Moooooooooo."
No. No, I did not order a cow. But maybe Frieda did.
Note to self: ask "What CITY are you calling from?"
Me: "Where are you calling from?"
SC: "Right here."
I can't figure this out. Throughout the rest of the call, you appeared intelligent, educated, and in fact relatively loquacious. What could possibly have made you think that was the answer I needed?
This call felt like forty-five minutes. I was astonished to discover my phone's timer only showed 16:26.
Me: "Thank you for calling [Company], my name is Mango."
SC: "[Company]! Oh, [Company]. [Company], very beautiful."
Me: "..."
SC: "I'm not sure if it's you I'm speaking to on the phone."
You're...not sure if it's me you're speaking to? You made my brain hurt just trying to understand that. Now I feel a little bit grateful for my last customer. At least she didn't say "I'm not sure if it's here where I am."
SC: "How are you doing, [Company]? Oh, wait! I mean, Mango! HAEHAHEHA~#! SNORT~#!"
Ah-HA! I KNEW I recognized your voice from somewhere. You're the SC from New Job, Old Tricks. Do you seriously confuse the name of every person you speak to with the name of the company they work for, or are you trying to amuse yourself? I can't tell.
SC: "You remember Francine? She wanted to hug me. She wanted so much to hug me, because she used the essence. She used the essence, you know?"
I do not remember Francine. However, I highly suspect Francine is involved up to her neck with Frieda, in the plot to order a cow.
SC: "...at my gym in Surrey..."
Ahh. THAT explains it. You're from Surrey.
SC: "...with pools and all that, on the corner of [Street] and [Avenue]. I moved to Surrey! I said to myself, 'I'm gonna go where the smells are good!'"
Let me get this straight. You moved to a city with one of the highest crime rates in Canada purely because "the smells are good"!??
SC: "I used to have my own business. I let it go due to a specific investigation. Now I'm an independent wellness consultant!"
HISSSSSSSSS. I think what you mean is, the entire purpose of your call is to suck me in to your multi-level marketing scheme. But I SHALL RESIST!
SC: "You gonna see the beauty of [MLM]. They believe in true medicine, not false medicine that those idiots try to pass us with the weed and
."You must be very new to Surrey. I have to break this to you: these "idiots that try to pass you with the weed" don't have anything to do with medicine.
They are crackheads.
Bonus customer that made me smile
C: "Hello dear, this is Edith. I was calling to renew my subscription."
Me: "Okay, I'd be delighted to help you with that Edith. For another year?"
C: "Wait just a moment dear, don't you want my full name and phone number?"
Me: [glances at Caller ID] "Edith Lastname, (npa) nxx-xxxx?"
C: "Oh my! Why...yes! How did you...!?"
Me: "I remember ALL of the pretty girls!"
[My 92-year-old customer blushes so hard I can feel it through the phone.]
C: "One of these days I'll have to have a party with all of you men!"
You know what? You're 67 years older than I am, but I really look forward to that.
I shall bring chips!
.
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