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Before I start, I'm in a kind of odd state employment-wise at the moment. I spent 2011 being sick from pretty much go to woe, although an operation in November seems to have done the job of fixing me up a bit. I'm somewhere between retired and on the medical disability until I get reassessed in a few weeks, and then I'll know what's going on.
So yeah, I'm not working at the moment, haven't been for just over a year, AND I've never worked retail. And yet, this damn Christmas...
EDIT: I cuss a bit. Sorry.
Encounter The First: My Favourite Bookstore, December 21
I'm at a local bookstore, looking through their BBC imports for a special gift for my mum. I spot a sonic screwdriver pen and pounce on it, because it was for getting her doctorate and she loves Doctor Who. That's when things get annoying. A really scruffy woman walks up next to me.
Sucky Bookstore Customer: No need to wrap it for me, I'll take it as is.
Me: Huh?
SBC: *tries to take the screwdriver* I said I'll take it as is.
Me: *yanks back* Hey, find your own! This is a present!
SBC: Yes, for my son!
Me: No, for my mum!
SBC: *tries to take it again*
Me: *steps back and glares*
SBC: FINE! I'll go talk to your manager! Customers come first!
Me: What the hell?
Salesperson Of Win: Can I help you?
SBC: Get your manager! This employee won't give me my screwdriver!
SOW: Actually, she doesn't work here and she did get to it first.
SBC: But she's dressed like you!
SOW: Yes, neatly. Now please leave or I'll have to call security.
Encounter The Second: Local Big-Ass Supermarket, December 22
Shopping for the makings for a light dinner for myself and the parents. (Yeah, I'm staying with them til the medical situation settles, I cook and clean to make rent.) I'm wearing a motorcycle jacket with the Phantasy Star Online logo hand-painted onto it over a green t-shirt and beige pants. The employees wear red t-shirts and black pants.
Me: *picking out vegetables* *humming*
Picky Customer: You shouldn't hum when you're working, you know. It's rude.
Me: *blink* Buh-wha?
PC: Customers don't like it when employees hum! I don't even know what the tune is!
Me: It's the Ambition of the Illuminus theme, now go away.
PC: I'm going to get the manager!
Me: Whatever.
PC: *disappears for a few minutes, then corners me in the meat section with a manager who happens to be a friend of mine* Here! Here she is!
Manager: ...She doesn't work here.
PC: Yes she does!
M: No, she doesn't. She is, however, a regular customer. How are you this week?
Me: Great, thanks. How about you?
M: Pretty well.
PC: DON'T IGNORE ME!
M: Madam, this woman obviously doesn't work here. It's terribly busy, please stop wasting my time.
PC: *storms off in a huff* I'll never shop here again!
M: Sheez.
Me: Amen.
Encounter the Third: Food Court, December 23
By this point, I'm kind of 'wtf' over all this but assuming the world is just being weird. Until...
Me: *eating lunch and playing a puzzle game on my DS*
Nosy Customer: What you playin'?
Me: *blink* Puzzle game.
NC: Shouldn't you be serving?
Me: ...(Oh come on.) Nooooo?
NC: You're so rude, lazing about eating when your coworkers are overwhelmed like this!
Me: ...What ARE you talking about?
NC: Don't you work at the Thai place?
Me: No.
NC: Are you sure?
Me: Are you kidding?
NC: I'm sure I've seen you at the Thai place!
Me: I'm a regular customer, but I've never worked in this part of the city.
NC: Huh. *walks off*
Me: ...WHAT.
Encounter the Fourth: Local Corner Store, December 24
Me: *walks in wearing full bike kit and carrying my helmet*
Fast-Draw Customer: *grabs my arm* Where do I find the chocolates?
Me: *headtilt* Um, last time I was here they were down by the soft drinks.
FDC: Show me! *yanks on my arm*
Me: Gerroff!
FDC: Show me the chocolate!
Me: Buddy, let go right the hell now.
FDC: FINE! I'll get the owner! *bodily drags me over to the counter* GET THE OWNER!
Exasperated Owner: I am the owner.
FDC: *shakes me*
Me: I SAID LET GO!
FDC: Your employee won't show me where the chocolates are!
EO: She doesn't work here.
FDC: Yes she does!
Me: No I bloody well don't!
EO: *hits the button to alert his security service* Sir, I'm calling the police.
FDC: *suddenly lets go* Oh fuck.
Me: I am SO pressing charges.
FDC: *bolts, presumably unaware of the several obviously-placed security cameras*
EO: What the hell was all that about?
Me: I have NO bloody idea.
Encounter the Fifth: Supermarket Again, Christmas Day
Emergency milk run.
Me: *grabs milk*
Picky Customer Again: You're humming again! Customers don't like that!
Me: Oh piss off! *storms off in a huff*
Encounter the Final: Local Cinema, Boxing Day
My friend and I are waiting in line to see Tintin, I'm dressed as Tintin and he's dressed like Captain Haddock. I've literally JUST finished telling him about the whole debacle.
Captain Haddock: ...Thundering Typhoons!
Me: Pretty much.
CH: How have you not started shooting at people?
Me: Because carrying a bow is too unwieldy.
CH: HAH!
Customer Doomed To Fail: *tugs my sleeve* Hey, which way to Gold Class?
Me: ...*blink* (No, no, not again.) I have no idea.
CH: ...*spock eyebrow*
CDF: What kind of customer service is this?
Me: The kind where I. Don't. Work. Here!
CDF: Then why are you dressed like Tintin?
Me: Because I want to marry Captain Haddock, obviously.
CDF: Wait, what?
Me: Please go ask someone else now.
CDF: But I'm asking you!
Me: *whimper*
CH: *shouting* Billions and billions of blistering blue barnacles!
CDF: *backs away* Riiiiiiiight...
CH: If you can't beat them, confuse them into submission.
Me: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
Thank god the movie was good or I may well have wept.
So yeah, I'm not working at the moment, haven't been for just over a year, AND I've never worked retail. And yet, this damn Christmas...
EDIT: I cuss a bit. Sorry.
Encounter The First: My Favourite Bookstore, December 21
I'm at a local bookstore, looking through their BBC imports for a special gift for my mum. I spot a sonic screwdriver pen and pounce on it, because it was for getting her doctorate and she loves Doctor Who. That's when things get annoying. A really scruffy woman walks up next to me.
Sucky Bookstore Customer: No need to wrap it for me, I'll take it as is.
Me: Huh?
SBC: *tries to take the screwdriver* I said I'll take it as is.
Me: *yanks back* Hey, find your own! This is a present!
SBC: Yes, for my son!
Me: No, for my mum!
SBC: *tries to take it again*
Me: *steps back and glares*
SBC: FINE! I'll go talk to your manager! Customers come first!
Me: What the hell?
Salesperson Of Win: Can I help you?
SBC: Get your manager! This employee won't give me my screwdriver!
SOW: Actually, she doesn't work here and she did get to it first.
SBC: But she's dressed like you!
SOW: Yes, neatly. Now please leave or I'll have to call security.
Encounter The Second: Local Big-Ass Supermarket, December 22
Shopping for the makings for a light dinner for myself and the parents. (Yeah, I'm staying with them til the medical situation settles, I cook and clean to make rent.) I'm wearing a motorcycle jacket with the Phantasy Star Online logo hand-painted onto it over a green t-shirt and beige pants. The employees wear red t-shirts and black pants.
Me: *picking out vegetables* *humming*
Picky Customer: You shouldn't hum when you're working, you know. It's rude.
Me: *blink* Buh-wha?
PC: Customers don't like it when employees hum! I don't even know what the tune is!
Me: It's the Ambition of the Illuminus theme, now go away.
PC: I'm going to get the manager!
Me: Whatever.
PC: *disappears for a few minutes, then corners me in the meat section with a manager who happens to be a friend of mine* Here! Here she is!
Manager: ...She doesn't work here.
PC: Yes she does!
M: No, she doesn't. She is, however, a regular customer. How are you this week?
Me: Great, thanks. How about you?
M: Pretty well.
PC: DON'T IGNORE ME!
M: Madam, this woman obviously doesn't work here. It's terribly busy, please stop wasting my time.
PC: *storms off in a huff* I'll never shop here again!
M: Sheez.
Me: Amen.
Encounter the Third: Food Court, December 23
By this point, I'm kind of 'wtf' over all this but assuming the world is just being weird. Until...
Me: *eating lunch and playing a puzzle game on my DS*
Nosy Customer: What you playin'?
Me: *blink* Puzzle game.
NC: Shouldn't you be serving?
Me: ...(Oh come on.) Nooooo?
NC: You're so rude, lazing about eating when your coworkers are overwhelmed like this!
Me: ...What ARE you talking about?
NC: Don't you work at the Thai place?
Me: No.
NC: Are you sure?
Me: Are you kidding?
NC: I'm sure I've seen you at the Thai place!
Me: I'm a regular customer, but I've never worked in this part of the city.
NC: Huh. *walks off*
Me: ...WHAT.
Encounter the Fourth: Local Corner Store, December 24
Me: *walks in wearing full bike kit and carrying my helmet*
Fast-Draw Customer: *grabs my arm* Where do I find the chocolates?
Me: *headtilt* Um, last time I was here they were down by the soft drinks.
FDC: Show me! *yanks on my arm*
Me: Gerroff!
FDC: Show me the chocolate!
Me: Buddy, let go right the hell now.
FDC: FINE! I'll get the owner! *bodily drags me over to the counter* GET THE OWNER!
Exasperated Owner: I am the owner.
FDC: *shakes me*
Me: I SAID LET GO!
FDC: Your employee won't show me where the chocolates are!
EO: She doesn't work here.
FDC: Yes she does!
Me: No I bloody well don't!
EO: *hits the button to alert his security service* Sir, I'm calling the police.
FDC: *suddenly lets go* Oh fuck.
Me: I am SO pressing charges.
FDC: *bolts, presumably unaware of the several obviously-placed security cameras*
EO: What the hell was all that about?
Me: I have NO bloody idea.
Encounter the Fifth: Supermarket Again, Christmas Day
Emergency milk run.
Me: *grabs milk*
Picky Customer Again: You're humming again! Customers don't like that!
Me: Oh piss off! *storms off in a huff*
Encounter the Final: Local Cinema, Boxing Day
My friend and I are waiting in line to see Tintin, I'm dressed as Tintin and he's dressed like Captain Haddock. I've literally JUST finished telling him about the whole debacle.
Captain Haddock: ...Thundering Typhoons!
Me: Pretty much.
CH: How have you not started shooting at people?
Me: Because carrying a bow is too unwieldy.
CH: HAH!
Customer Doomed To Fail: *tugs my sleeve* Hey, which way to Gold Class?
Me: ...*blink* (No, no, not again.) I have no idea.
CH: ...*spock eyebrow*
CDF: What kind of customer service is this?
Me: The kind where I. Don't. Work. Here!
CDF: Then why are you dressed like Tintin?
Me: Because I want to marry Captain Haddock, obviously.
CDF: Wait, what?
Me: Please go ask someone else now.
CDF: But I'm asking you!
Me: *whimper*
CH: *shouting* Billions and billions of blistering blue barnacles!
CDF: *backs away* Riiiiiiiight...
CH: If you can't beat them, confuse them into submission.
Me: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
Thank god the movie was good or I may well have wept.
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