Dentist called me ugly

[Maria]

Yeah. It was supposed to be a routine cleaning. He asked if I'd ever considered, then tried to schedule me for non-insured cosmetic treatment that, due to a rare genetic disorder, would cause significant permanent damage to my body. I realize it's a rare disorder, but he knows I have it, and he KNOWS that certain things, especially ANY non-essential dental or medical work, are off-limits because of the high risk involved. And even if he didn't know, I said no! I'm a freaking grown-up! Discussion closed!

But, apparently it would do such good things for my looks, that we got into a ten-minute argument over it... like, one of those circular arguments where I say "No, that's inappropriate for my medical condition," and he says "You need it, to improve your appearance," and then we repeat. I realize that a lot of dentists are in the business of cosmetic services these days, and that a lot of people want that, and that's great, I love choices and freedom and stuff. But I didn't ask, I said I wasn't interested, that should have been the end of it. I shouldn't have had to remind him that it was medically unacceptable -- the first three or four "no" answers should have been enough! And I certainly shouldn't have had to explain that it was unacceptable, more than once, especially when he answered with "I know, but..."! I should have just summed up my opinion in a certain hand gesture, and then walked out.

Ended up blowing 3 hours of my daytime minutes talking with my sister and my life coach. I'm just finally starting to get rid of the "ugly, worthless" messages I got from parents growing up, and I really wasn't up to coping with that. So... anybody have any suggestions on how to find a dentist who is more interested in oral health, than in doing me permanent harm for the sake of vanity?

[fireheart]

Is there a central complaints authority you can report that dentist to?

As for other dentists, I'd suggest asking around.

[Slayer]

Shop around, hon. What he did has no excuse. It's one thing to promote a service, but it's another thing entirely to force it on you. I don't even find it appropriate that he asked you in the first place.

I hope you can find a dentist that is more interested in helping you than in profiting from you. Ask your family. Ask your friends. Ask your coworkers. If your work has a dental plan, ask for references.

If you don't feel comfortable right away, don't go back. Try someone else.

It took me a long time to find my current dentist and he's just freaking awesome. I cannot say enough good things about him.

[iradney]

I agree - shop around, and also report him. I find it appalling that he would suggest something that would adversely affect your medical condition!!!

[Seshat]

My personal definition of human beauty:

- Appropriate bone structure for race and body type.
- Appropriate body condition, given both natural tendencies and medical conditions which affect it. (Yes, the page I linked to provides body condition for cats and dogs; the same techniques can be used for humans.)
- Skin tone and condition basically healthy.
- Skin colour .. well, pretty much irrelevant. Though I do find it odd if the colour and the bone structure are 'mismatched' (eg, dark skin on an aryan-ish bone structure, or vice versa).
- Muscle tone/strength appropriate to the individual, but preferably just over (rather than just under) what they need for day to day life.

Some notes:
* because we're bipedal, our abdomens don't 'tuck' the same way chordate quadrapeds' do. Look for a defined waist instead.
* Some people are naturally thin, and will always trend towards condition 2. Some will always trend towards condition 4. This is normal. Such people still count as beautiful!
* I'm body condition 4. I'm working on improving my health. I'm beautiful.


Maria:
You're beautiful.
You (clearly!) work to look after your body and your health. Therefore, without even seeing you, I can be sure that that care shows.
It doesn't matter if you have 'flaws'. In fact, imperfections often add to beauty. Perfection looks plastic!

[fireheart]

the only "flaw" in regards to dentistry I've needed has been my braces. I HATED the damn things. I have asked a couple of times about a cap for the ground away area on one of my front teeth, however you can't even tell that it's there unles syou look closely.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Dentists are always trying to "fix" the husband 's diastema.They just don't get that it is not a flaw.

[morgana]

You're not ugly, Maria. That dentist is.

[Geek King]

If you haven't yet, please report him to the (in the US) American Dental Association and/or your state or local licensing board for dental practitioners. Your complaint should be along the lines of, "Ingnored my wishes and health condition(s) to continue pressuring me to have an optional surgery done." That's not kosher for a medical professional to knowingly risk your health when you have a prohibiting, high-risk medical condition.

[Maria]

Aww... you guys are awesome, you know that? And I know you're right, all of you, even though all I see are the "imperfect" things right now. I really appreciate being reminded of the fact that nobody has to fit a certain mold, to look great, or to have value... not even me. Thank you for your encouraging words.

Dentists are always trying to "fix" the husband 's diastema.They just don't get that it is not a flaw.

This is kind of similar to my problem... a tendency to think of "different" as "defective." It's definitely not limited to dentists, but I've run into more than a couple who seem to not understand the difference between a medical need and a cosmetic want -- nor to respect those who would rather be left in their natural state for whatever reason. Very frustrating, especially given that people often tell me I should show off my smile more than I do. Obviously nobody else notices (or they aren't bothered by) the handful of imperfections, but this guy is willing to sacrifice my well-being, to save the world from having to see it. I have a wisdom tooth that's tipped into "worth the risk" territory, and I was planning on having it removed next week, but I'm not even sure I should trust this guy's advice on that, now, if he values his particular idea of beauty, so much more than health.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Personally, I would not trust a man with such skewed priorities. You go to the dentist for your health. If that's of secondary importance to him, he should maybe go to beauty school and you should definitely go to a different dentist.

[Food Lady]

First, I really wish you could go to my dentists. They are the best. They give me options, were there for me when I cried about the state my mouth was in, and have a passion for what they do. They asked me exactly once about fixing the crack in my tooth, since I declined to do anything (purely cosmetic issue right now). Pushing stuff on you is soooo inappropriate, and it's why I left my chiropractor. Try new dentists until you run into the experience I have. It's what it should be.



Second, I find that often when women have esteem issues, they are actually quite beautiful, in a non-conventional way. I will always have things I don't like about me, but when I feel insecure, I name something I do like. Everyone can find at least one feature they like. Do it every day: name one thing. And mean it. It helps.

[Slayer]

If you don't trust him for the wisdom tooth, try to see anther dentist for a consultation. Yeah, it'll cost to do that, but it might be worth it

I don't have insurance. I told my current dentist that many times. I had my top two pulled out because they had cracked (jaw is small so no room). They would have spread infection and damaged my other teeth so I did it.

The guy could have easily said that I need my bottom ones out right away. And I would have done it which he knew. Instead he told me that I can wait until I have insurance or until it's necessary. They're mostly below the gum line and they're not affecting other teeth. I was so happy.

I hope you find someone that you can trust!

[Little Retail Rabbit]

I feel so bad for you! I had a really good experience with my dentist today, I wish you could see my one!

My teeth aren't perfect but are (now) healthy. I also do have a "flaw" that an NHS dentist had a bit of a go at me about when I was a teenager. See one of my milk teeth never fell out properly- the canine tooth that was supposed to push it out simply trapped it in place, so one of my canines looks very much like a vampire tooth. I am half vampire

(Which means if I ever want to splash out on custome-made snap-on fangs, I only really need one XD I am told my "flaw" is considered rather desirable by other goths)

However, this one guy totally kept insisting I "needed" braces because it looked wrong. But my (then) regular NHS dentist and my current private dentist disagreed. Both have said if I wanted to have braces there would be no reason not to, but it was also not necessary, and really didn't look all that bad anyway.

I hope you find a better dentist soon!

[Sapphire Silk]

Yeah. It was supposed to be a routine cleaning. He asked if I'd ever considered, then tried to schedule me for non-insured cosmetic treatment that, due to a rare genetic disorder, would cause significant permanent damage to my body. I realize it's a rare disorder, but he knows I have it, and he KNOWS that certain things, especially ANY non-essential dental or medical work, are off-limits because of the high risk involved. And even if he didn't know, I said no! I'm a freaking grown-up! Discussion closed!

Get another dentist. You can file a complaint, probably nothing will happen, but it might be worth it.

Dentists are like doctors; they are paid by the procedure. More procedures=more income.

My dentist asked me once about whitening my teeth. I told him I wasn't interested, and he dropped it. He's a great dentist. I didn't blame him for asking; they are a bit yellowed.