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  • I don't have any friends left.

    I alluded to this situation in my Cursing out Coworkers thread recently, but I could still use advice. I'll start from the beginning, so buckle up, this'll take a while.

    I was accepted to a very popular university in spring 2011, when I was in high school. This college is in a great town, considering the state. I set up a profile on the school's roommate finding service. Several days later, I got a message from a guy who wanted to get to know me, to see if we could be roommates. I'll call him A. A was really great. He and I had a lot in common, but we also had some major differences between us, which made us interesting to each other. I'm gay, he isn't; he's a musician, I'm not, etc. I almost felt like he was a friend by the time we moved into our broomcloset dorm room.

    We moved in last fall, and we became really close. We also met a lot of people we became friends with, including Rhttp://www.customerssuck.com/board/s...ad.php?t=94090 from my other thread. I was really happy, but then I developed clinical depression. It wasn't really caused by anything, besides a genetic predisposition to it, which makes it difficult to treat. A and I were best friends at this point, and he was very supportive and helpful. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, and the highlight of my day was when he came back from class to spend time with me. Anyway, winter break came, and I drove the 300 miles back to my parents. A is from the town the university is in. His house is a fifteen minute walk from campus.

    When I got back to the school on January 2nd, everything was different. He wanted to change rooms, because being my roommate was stressful for him. He promised me we would still be best friends, though. He moved across the hallway and lived with a guy named Ben. Ben had never liked me, and was very vocal about it. That's important later. Anyway, several days after that, A stopped talking to me. He didn't answer his phone if I called or texted, he ignored me when he saw me, and he blocked me on Facebook. I wrote him a letter telling him that I'm really sorry for bothering him, and I know my depression is stressful on my friends, and that sort of thing.

    A went crazy after that. He went to the school's committee in charge of the mentally ill, and told them I was planning on killing myself in the dorm. This wasn't true at all. I was suspended for a week, while my doctors explained the situation to them. When they revoked the suspension, the committee banned me from living on campus, with the hope that I would drop out. I didn't drop out, and I lived in the on-campus $80/night hotel for a month before I found an apartment.

    In the meantime, A and Ben went around and told all of the friends I had in common with them all sorts of terrible rumors. I'm a stalker. I'm suicidal. People shouldn't talk to me, because I'm going to stalk them if they acknowledge that I exist. I lost every friend I made at college because of this. The rumors were substantiated because I was banned from visiting the residence hall I lived in as a part of the suspension-lifting. The RAs were told to call the police if they saw me in or near the building, and they told the other residents. Nobody wants to be friends with the crazy stalker that is banned from the building, and talking to me was generally discouraged, as I later learned from people who have since stopped talking to me.

    I was suspended January 2012. It's been almost a year now. My life is in bad shape. I don't have any friends anymore, and even though there are 30,000 students at my school, it seems that every student group I want to join has at least one person in it who believe that I'm a stalker, and they aren't afraid to share that theory with the group. I was fired from my volunteer position off campus when R did that, and I've had to leave student groups because the looks I got from people were too much. Last Friday, Ben pointed me out in the restaurant I was in. It was so embarrassing that I started crying, and had to leave. I hit myself when I got back to my apartment.

    I feel like an elderly woman. I go home to my cat, and that's all I have. My attempts to socialize have failed. I refuse to transfer schools, because the stress of moving is too much for me with my health.

    Everyone else is having a fantastic time. A's best friend sometimes talks to me. He told me that A has had the best year of his life. He's already had a very interesting life, and he's only 20. His father is very famous in the music industry, and sometimes teaches a course at the school, so the school isn't really open to the idea that this famous person's son could be misrepresenting me to people.

    I really don't know what to do. I'm in therapy, and I have a psychiatrist and meds and all of that good stuff. I don't have any real friends, though, and I've been attacked a few times as a result of the events I've just described. To be completely honest, I would probably kill myself if it wouldn't ruin my parents' lives. I don't know how to deal with the looks I get, or the stunned responses I get from strangers when they mention anything relating friends:

    Employee at natural organic grocery store, who sees me choosing which whole-leaf tea to buy: "I really love the Sencha. I have my friends over for tea every week. Do you ever do anything like that with your friends?"
    Me: "Oh. I kinda don't have any."
    Employee: "You don't have any tea?"
    Me: "No, friends."
    Employee:

    Various form of this conversation happen on a weekly basis. I don't really like to lie to people.

    Can anyone suggest anything, besides transferring? I'm at the point where my therapist told me that next semester, I need to go to student groups that I have no interest in, just for the human contact.
    There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

  • #2


    God...I don't even know what to say here.

    Except...one thing really strikes me. There's a committee for the mentally ill? First of all, wtf. Second, why the hell would the ban you? I mean...what? That just sounds like harassment since they had no proof besides A's word. I mean, did your doctors tell them you were suicidal?

    So unfortunately, the only real solution I have is that maybe talking to a lawyer might help. The committee seems to have overstepped its bounds entirely, and, honestly, you have a slander case against A and Ben.
    My NaNo page

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    • #3
      My initial reaction was "WTF?!?"

      The school sounds like it has really gone overboard in your case. You had clinical depression, not bubonic plague.

      Kheldarson has a good suggestion about consulting a lawyer.

      I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm back in school but I don't get the impression my fellow students (99% of whom are young enough to be my grandchildren, LOL) would be so quick to send somebody to Coventry because of depression. You seem to have had the misfortune of running into some self-centred and very insulated young people.

      Might I suggest that you look for friends off-campus, at least for now? Are there any groups in the town itself that you could join, or volunteer with? It will blunt your current sense of isolation, and will make it clear to your fellow students that you are not a walking time bomb. You might also run into fellow students who have no connection with the people who are currently snubbing you, and that might open some doors on the campus.

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      • #4
        I actually did talk to a lawyer last spring. She told me that while my situation is shitty, legally, the school was in the green because the housing contract states that any real or perceived intentions of harming oneself or others will result in contract cancellation. The school actually has a lot of leeway in that area. I could do a civil suit against A, but doing so would bring bad press against his father, and I don't really want to hurt A or his family.

        This committee was established after the Virginia Tech shooting to identify potential threats to student safety. They deal with people who get in fights, people who want to kill themselves, and people with substance abuse problems. They require input from the doctors of these problem students, but they retain sole authority, and are free to ignore the doctors if they wish. They ignored my doctors, who told them it was important I be allowed to live on campus. My stability tanked after I was evicted, and I actually became suicidal as a result of the school's actions.

        My school and the town it's in is consistently rated the #1 Party School in the country. I'm 19, so I can't go to the many bars and clubs to meet people. I can get involved with the live music scene, but both A, R, and several other people I can't be around are heavily involved with that, so I don't go to live shows anymore. I was fired from one off-campus volunteer position because of R. A's father is a fixture in this town, so everyone from this town seems to know A and his family, and as a family, they're amazingly, ridiculously involved in everything. His sisters have threatened me before, and they're in the local theatre group I wanted to join.

        I wanted to join a community garden group, but R is involved in it.

        I became friends with these people primarily through common interests, so it makes sense that many organizations I'm interested in would have some member I can't be around.
        There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

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        • #5
          The messed-up thing is that I'm not mad at A, or R. I actually want them to be my friends again. I know logically that won't happen, and that I should hate A for ruining my life, ad I should hate R for attacking me, but I really miss them. I don't want to sue them, or otherwise hurt them.
          There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

          Comment


          • #6
            He's doing two things - affecting your general life/work. Slander (IIRC). And this crap is bringing you down too.
            You were fired because of rumors? Rumors not proven? (only partially substantiated). You were "suspended" from school for "wanting to commit suicide" (that's his words) - so because you "might" kill yourself you get suspended. All his wording, it's unfounded (you have depression but not that heavy) and it's messing this up? Oh hell no.

            What is more important to you today. Friends or living situation (school work) stuff? Ok, now what will have more long term effect for you? What do you think? Can you write out the pros and cons of friendships vs letting him badmouth?
            Sweety, this is unfair. Extremely. Plus with holidays here that's added stress (generic stress).
            So. Right now you feel down and depressy because you have no friends, the school crap, and I assume, holidays. Start here. Hugs. You are here today, right now. What can you do about this shit right now? Deal with the depression stuff, self-care, counseling and that's about it.
            Week after next, check in with a lawyer. Law students? Pro bono out in city? That's the next task. If you choose to do the fight.

            I want you to write all your feelings down, straight scribble thoughts/emotions and take that to the counseling. This is a complex thing, and I think I can understand. I have more online friends than person to person, it's ok for me. That's semi healthy. Work more on your self -esteem and balancing the meds/moods, the friends will gradually come to you (and you make effort too). But the other shit is influencing your self esteem; try to untangle and pull that stresser out of the mess. I think if the school/asshole stuff is dealt with, you'll gradually feel better, and be better able to converse and get out to talk to people. I know I would; if I had other messy stress, I don't want to deal with humans.
            In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
            She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

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            • #7
              No, why the hell do you want to be friends with people who dissed you so much you got blackballed!!!!!!!! No. No no nononononon. Hell no.
              In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
              She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Der Cute View Post
                No, why the hell do you want to be friends with people who dissed you so much you got blackballed!!!!!!!! No. No no nononononon. Hell no.
                Exactly. My therapist thinks its because they were my last batch of friends, so I think of them when I internally want friendship.

                I will certainly take your other advice, but I'm nervous about the lawyer thing, having explored that avenue before. A judge could order him not to contact me, but he hasn't contacted me in 11 months. A judge can't order him to stop telling other students not to talk to me, though. Even if I won the case against the school, they can't fix anything now. They can't give me my freshman year of college and all my friends back. At most, they could give my parents some money, probably not enough to justify the legal expense of fighting a battle against the university.

                To summarize, there isn't really anything the lawyer can do for me that would help. People are free to spread rumors, and even if I could prove that he slandered against me to the school, that won't rebuild my life. It would make him and everyone else very mad at me, moreso than they are now. The lawyer I met with explained that in this case, a legal victory isn't what I need.
                There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Mr. Anubite View Post
                  The lawyer I met with explained that in this case, a legal victory isn't what I need.
                  In that case, why not transfer and start again in a new place? It's got to be better than suicide which you are heading for if the harassing goes on.
                  I know you asked for alternatives to transferring, but I really can't see any.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Mikkel View Post
                    In that case, why not transfer and start again in a new place? It's got to be better than suicide which you are heading for if the harassing goes on.
                    I know you asked for alternatives to transferring, but I really can't see any.
                    That's what some people suggest, but it makes me too anxious. Plus, only one other school in my state offers my major, and I'm really happy with my major. I don't have the grades for that school. They rarely take people with GPAs under like 3.5.

                    I didn't mean to imply that I'm heading towards suicide. I'm actually heading away from it. I have those thoughts way less often than I used to, although I do still have them sometimes, and its still as frightening as the first time it happened. However, every time it happens, I call my therapist on his cell and we go through a routine we've developed for this situation. I am getting better in that sense, because it doesn't happen very often anymore, but when I feel like an elderly shut-in, those thoughts are more likely to come up.
                    There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm glad to hear you are working on your issues and are making headway!

                      IF the only reason you don't want to launch a civil suit against A and/or R is because you "don't want to hurt" them, I would ask that you reconsider this. He is not losing any sleep over making your life a misery and for R to attack you without provocation ... they need to face the consequences of their actions.

                      However, I understand that there may be other reasons for your decision.

                      A lawyer might not be able to shut A up, but it's possible that a lawyer might be able to force the school to take a second look at either your case or their policies or both. I would advise, if you can afford it, to get a second opinion.

                      If the groups that cover your interests are saturated with these jokers, please consider investigating groups that do not cover your current interests. I don't know how much spare time you have, but (for example) I volunteered at a local thrift shop for a few years after I lost my job. It gave me an anchor and I made some friends there.

                      Hang in there.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I very strongly second the recommendation to revisit why you aren't willing to bring suit for slander against the people who are actively damaging your life.

                        ^-.-^
                        Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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                        • #13
                          Quoth Andara Bledin View Post
                          I very strongly second the recommendation to revisit why you aren't willing to bring suit for slander against the people who are actively damaging your life.

                          ^-.-^
                          I guess it's because I don't see how doing that could help me make new friends, as well as not wanting to hurt them. The school administration has stopped bothering me. My "case is inactive" as of June. I'm still being pointed out like I was the other day, but I can't really sue anyone for that. I just don't think a court can fix anything at this point. They won't be my friends again if I bring legal action against them, and I'm sure they would tell everyone about what I'm doing.
                          There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce, or run over with the car- Christopher Elliot

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Alright, I think I need to respond here.

                            First of all, NO, they in all likelihood will NOT be your friends again, especially if you bring suit.

                            HOWEVER, it WILL make it known PUBLICLY that they are being dishonest, and slanderous (possibly libelous as well if they published any of that online). By making the TRUTH public, it might put you on the right track. It MAY even improve your mental health, and increase the likelihood of making friends with other people.

                            You NEED to speak with a lawyer again, to see about what you CAN do, especially since it has been more than a year, and the statute of limitations may be an issue.

                            Also, with lawmakers putting more and more anti-bullying laws on the books, you may have a criminal case for that.

                            See a Lawyer. ASAP.

                            SC
                            "...four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one..." W. Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing Act I, Sc I

                            Do you like Shakespeare? Join us The Globe Theater!

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                            • #15
                              Quoth BroSCFischer View Post
                              Alright, I think I need to respond here.

                              First of all, NO, they in all likelihood will NOT be your friends again, especially if you bring suit.

                              HOWEVER, it WILL make it known PUBLICLY that they are being dishonest, and slanderous (possibly libelous as well if they published any of that online). By making the TRUTH public, it might put you on the right track. It MAY even improve your mental health, and increase the likelihood of making friends with other people.

                              You NEED to speak with a lawyer again, to see about what you CAN do, especially since it has been more than a year, and the statute of limitations may be an issue.

                              Also, with lawmakers putting more and more anti-bullying laws on the books, you may have a criminal case for that.

                              See a Lawyer. ASAP.

                              SC
                              I think this is what I was trying to say. BECAUSE these people have blackballed you, you are now taboo/excluded from people. Ostracised. That's the word. So. Accept that, at this time finding/making friends is double triple hard due to your social status.
                              So. Defamation of character:
                              is the communication of a statement that makes a claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an individual, business, product, group, government, religion, or nation a negative or inferior image. This can be also any disparaging statement made by one person about another, which is communicated or published, whether true or false, depending on legal state.

                              This is exactly what this person is doing to you. Your social character and status are directly affected by Assholes, and resulted in you losing your job (oh hey is that documented 'let you go because you make us look bad' ?). Anything else affected by Asshole's actions - shunning, school, social media... You can sue for slander, emotional distress, financial distress (loss of job) and push the school to let you back in. Just because the SCHOOL has a case closed does not mean shit to local law.
                              I highly suggest (with my trusty cattle prod) to get yourself a lawyer. This is a fuckin textbook definition. You wouldn't be doing this to make friends. You would do this to prove your point - to show that HE'S being an Asshole, and that you AREN'T anywhere close to that mental cliff. No matter what, whether you are right or wrong, your social status may not change (I doubt it). If the mean gossip spread like wildfire, and you win your case, it would take an act of Gord to have people revisit your status. Make sense?
                              I'd do this because Asshole would PISS ME OFF. Affect my job? Check. Affect my school? Check. Affect my social life to the point of shunning? Check. Ok, sonofabitch, gloves are off.

                              Another thought. Let's say you do start a case, and you win. You would be vilified; would you feel better, better self-esteem? "I proved to myself and them [legally] I'm not what they think I am! And I stood up to them!" Would that be in your head? Would it be like "Yeah, I won, but *shrug* I don't feel different".
                              You have to accept that right now, Asshole is 'winning' out there, and without mind-melding, not really much you can do to re-progam everyone. Accept that this is a hella mess, and you need help to get through this. Accept that "they think that way, fuck 'em, I'm fixing myself."

                              As I said, straight scribble thoughts. Sit down, pen and paper and just write. Don't focus, write. Your mind is so jumbled right now anyways get stuff out of your head to go over with the therapist. DRAW if you need to. Something to get it out. Now, because you're self aware, I give you and .

                              Listen to your gut.
                              In my heart, in my soul, I'm a woman for rock & roll.
                              She's as fast as slugs on barbituates.

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