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In Which I Return With More Stories. And I am Mean. And Have a Nice Rack...

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  • In Which I Return With More Stories. And I am Mean. And Have a Nice Rack...

    I was going to write something witty here, but I'm a bit stoned on prescription painkillers after I sort of completely threw my back out over the weekend. Moving isn't fun. So instead, here are some stories.

    ME = Our Lovely Heroine
    CW = Coworker
    IM = Inmate

    Back In The Saddle

    ME (yelling at an inmate hanging on another inmate's door): Hey! Get off that door!
    IM: Sorry.
    ME (muttering): Fucker.
    IM2, standing at my desk: Did.. did you just call that guy a fucker?
    ME: Yeah, I did.

    I'm not one to mince words, after all

    I Got Game

    IM: Hey Miss Bosslady, can you put it on ESPN so we can watch the game?
    ME: No.
    IM: What do you mean, no? Why not?
    ME: Because I said no. I'm tired of basketball, that's all you guys watch.
    IM: But it's the playoffs!
    ME: I could give a damn.
    IM: Where does it say that you get to decide what we watch?
    ME (Points to badge): Right here.

    And thus begins the river of tears cried one night when I wouldn't put the stupid game on. We have a TV in the common area, where the guys get to come out for about an hour (divided into four groups) every night. The officer has control of the TV, and normally I didn't care what they watched. But after a week of them being glued to basketball, I decided to put it on a movie channel instead.

    What Are These Playoffs of Which You Speak?

    IM: Hey Ms (Kara), can you put the game on?
    ME: No.
    IM: No? What do you mean, no?
    ME: No as in the negative response. The opposite of yes.
    IM: But it's the playoffs.
    ME: Plays "My Heart Pumps Purple Piss for You" on the world's smallest violin.
    IM: I don't see what the big deal is. If we all want to watch the game, then I don't see why not.
    ME: You seem to think this is a democracy. It's not, it's prison. You don't get a vote.
    IM: This is bullshit.

    I'm starting to think my lack of giving a damn what they watch has been misconstrued as some kind of... spoiling the bastards. This simply won't do.

    Round 3, FIGHT!

    IM: Hey, can we watch the game?
    ME: No.
    IM: What do you mean, no?
    ME: I mean no. It's fine where it is. I'm sick of basketball, that's all you guys watch.
    IM: But it's the playoffs.
    ME: Everyone keeps saying that. Like it's supposed to mean something to me.
    IM: So we can't watch the game because you say so.
    ME: Now you're getting it.
    IM: I didn't know it was your job to watch TV.
    ME: It's not.
    IM: But you said you were tired of watching basketball.
    ME: I am.
    IM: Then don't watch it. Let us watch it.
    ME: No.
    IM: How come we don't get a say in what we watch?
    ME: Because you aren't the ones with a badge on her shirt. And because the cellhouse rules state that the officer controls the TV.

    This was getting so petty, but it was also highly entertaining to me. Obviously, I need to to tighten my iron-fisted grip on this house from here on out.

    And Again

    IM, standing near the desk talking to another inmate (same guy from the second story): Yeah, it's bullshit. I should have known better than to expect a chick to put the game on. But I don't see what the fuckin problem is. You can ask her, but she'll just say no.
    ME: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your whining. I have control of the TV, I decide what we watch. And we're not watching basketball, and if yall don't stop crying about it, I'll turn the TV off and we won't watch anything.
    IM: I don't know why you're even talking to me. I'm having a private conversation here.
    ME: Sounded like bitching to me.
    IM: This is a personal conversation. It ain't even about the TV.
    ME: Oh, my mistake then. You must have been talking about another chick who wouldn't put the game on.

    Yeah, sorry to eavesdrop on your personal, private conversation with my superior hearing. You know, while you were standing 5 freakin feet away from me, you twat.

    O RLY?

    IM: Miss (Kara), why are so mean lately?
    ME: Mean? You think I'm mean?
    IM: Well, no, I just...
    ME: Let me tell you something, you haven't even SEEN "mean" yet. Trust me, you'll know it when you see it. I'll darken the sky over this whole damn facility.

    And you know I'm not bluffing.

    Yep, I Went There

    ME (to an inmate giving someone a book through his door): Hey! Jackass! Come here!
    IM: What, I can't give him a book?
    ME: Why do you need to give him a book. He comes out in the next group, he can get his own damn book.
    IM: Well, I was just-
    ME: What, do you owe him money or something? Trying to work off a debt?
    IM: What? No, I just-
    ME: Do you want to get a reputation as someone's bitch?
    IM: WHAT?
    ME: I'm serious, think about where you are. People see you running here and there for people, they'll think you're a little bitch.
    IM: I-Wha-But-No... I- I- You're crazy!
    ME: Don't try to make this about me.

    Oh no, my secret is out :P

    On That Note

    IM: Why can't I come out of my cell?
    ME: Remember last night when I gave you a 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minute, and 1 minute warning before your time was up? And you just stayed on the phone? And then you missed your door and it wasn't until I almost hung up the phone for you that you finally got off and went to your cell?
    IM: You gonna take all my time tonight for that?
    ME: Yes, actually. That's exactly what I did.
    IM: Why can't you take like, 15 minutes or something. You don't have to take the whole time!
    ME: No, I don't HAVE to. But I did.
    IM: Man, this bitch is crazy.

    Yes I am. It would be best to keep that in mind.

    Seriously, Stop Talking. Now.

    IM: I saw you talking to (Nurse) after we got our meds. Is she a friend of yours?
    ME: That's none of your business, but no, not really.
    IM: Good, cause she's a bitch.
    ME: I don't know her that well.
    IM: Well, me and her got into it the other day. See, me and a few of the guys were in line waiting for meds. And we were saying how you got a nice rack. And-
    ME: Stop.
    IM: What?
    ME: Stop talking now. Quit while you're ahead, walk away, and don't finish this story.

    Really? REALLY? Since when is it okay to make a comment like that to any woman, in ANY situation? There was nowhere for the conversation to go but downhill from there, so I figured I'd spare my ears and not have to write him up for disrespect.

    Surprise Nudity

    So I responded to an emergency where an inmate was unresponsive. We lined up at his door because we had to go in on him. He was laying in bed, covered head to toe with his blanket in such a way that we couldn't see him breathing. After yelling and shaking his door, he didn't even move. So I was assigned as the 4th officer on the entry team and got the leg irons. It would be my job to secure his left leg, and the 5th officer would secure his right. We go in, yank the guy off his bunk, plant him on the floor, and I found as I'm trying to get his legs that he wrapped his sheets pretty good around him and I had to practically dig his legs out. Once I got the sheet loose, I threw it back to reveal....

    ME: Annnnnd, he's naked. Because why not?

    Seriously, why the hell are they always naked? It never freaking fails. The guy wasn't even doing it in the hopes that a female officer would respond, he was getting picked on due to his conviction and wanted to move to another house. He was real pro, though. He just laid there blinking as we hauled him out of bed and got him all restrained. But really, why the hell are they always naked? Every goddamn time.
    "You are loved" - Plaidman.

  • #2
    HAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!!!

    I stayed up SO late just waiting for this yay!!!

    Urf. Basketball. I don't like sports. I giggled with glee when they called you mean! Heeee.

    re: Naked. Why? Because. That's why. I have no better reason, but I do believe that's it.

    Crazy or not, you're the one with the badge. And their the ones without the brains to realize this...much to our enjoyment.

    Comment


    • #3
      I have to ask: If one of them had approached you and politely explained that he was interested in the game because he had a wager going with another inmate on who would win and the loser had to declare himself the biggest brony in the world in the courtyard tomorrow, would you have changed it to the game?

      Comment


      • #4
        It's like they think they actually have a say while they're in prison... Hmmmm...
        Some people just need a high five...

        In the face with the back of a chair....

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Kara View Post
          And Again
          IM: I don't know why you're even talking to me. I'm having a private conversation here.
          Correct me if I'm wrong, but there is NOTHING private about anything an inmate does in prison. In fact, it's part of your job to eavesdrop on conversations to watch out for possible escape/riot plots, drug dealing, etc.

          SC
          "...four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one..." W. Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing Act I, Sc I

          Do you like Shakespeare? Join us The Globe Theater!

          Comment


          • #6
            YAAAAYYYYY!! (does Bajoran happy dance) More Kara stories!

            (hugs and offers choccy cake and Bundaberg rum - white and black)

            Comment


            • #7
              So you have a nice rack huh?

              For the record...





              (yes, I mean this in jest)
              The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

              Now queen of USSR-Land...

              Comment


              • #8
                Okay. Here's a picture of a nice rack.
                Seshat's self-help guide:
                1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                Comment


                • #9
                  That is indeed a nice rack

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Kara View Post
                    Kara's stories about prisoners whining about not being able to watch basketball...
                    "Really? If you want to watch basketball so badly, you should have thought about that before you did whatever it is you did that got you put here!!"

                    "This is a prison, not a country club!

                    Or, to quote Jim Mora, "Playoffs? Don't talk about Playoffs!"

                    Besides, I'm not a fan of basketball, but to my knowledge those games last a little over two hours anyway. It's not like these guys would have been able to see the whole game.

                    Here's a funny one...does your TV have a DVD player? If so, find the girliest "chick flick" you can find, and threaten them with that.

                    If it doesn't, consider putting the TV on We or Oxygen...make them sit through that...

                    Can they hear the TV? Or do you just turn it on from X time to Y time?

                    Ooooh...if you want to be exceptionally cruel, put the basketball game on (or put it on a sports channel), then change the channel when the guys come out to watch TV...
                    Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      They're in prison for crissakes! They should be grateful that there's a tv in there at all and it's not like the old days where they'd be out bustin' rock on a chain gang or somethin'.
                      Don't wanna; not gonna.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Cruel would be having a TV, and leaving it on the Weather Network 24/7. Make sure it's a true weather network, with no movies or anything, just the weather outside, and what's coming up, every 15 on the 15, no interruptions.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Jetfire View Post
                          Cruel would be having a TV, and leaving it on the Weather Network 24/7. Make sure it's a true weather network, with no movies or anything, just the weather outside, and what's coming up, every 15 on the 15, no interruptions.
                          That's a goooood one...

                          How about a radio that only plays Tiny Tim and Hanson??

                          "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" and "Mmmm Bop" All. Day. Long.

                          Or would that be considered "cruel and unusual punishment"?
                          Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth mjr View Post
                            That's a goooood one...

                            How about a radio that only plays Tiny Tim and Hanson??

                            "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" and "Mmmm Bop" All. Day. Long.

                            Or would that be considered "cruel and unusual punishment"?
                            You'd cause a riot in no time flat.
                            Life: Reality TV for deities. - dalesys

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              When you mentioned inmates and "a nice rack", I thought you meant a gun rack!
                              cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

                              Enter Cindyland here!

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