Dear Santa Letter Generator

[Lace Neil Singer]

http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/santa/index.asp

Lulzers. Here's mine:

Dear Satan Claus – Devourer of Children’s Souls,

This year, I have been a very manipulative little girl. I have compulsively murdered, and I have never helped my brother with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring perfume. For my daddy, please bring a new money clip. For my little brother, please bring a subscription to Guns & Ammo. For my ferret, please bring a chew toy. Oh – and for my case worker, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Harry Potter beer coozies, and front row tickets to GWAR – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my pony. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.

Sincerely,

Lace Neil Singer

PS: Please say hello to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember the Idiot Manager ? He has been a really corrupt weener all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!

[crazylegs]

Here's mine!

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very Ritalin-addled little TV watcher. I have sometimes pillaged, and I have rarely helped my sister with their homework. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank checks this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring Valium. For my daddy, please bring a new neck tie. For my big sister, please bring Legos. For my hampster, please bring a homeopathic heartworm remedy. Oh – and for my case worker, please bring some worthless tchotchkes.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Star Wars beer coozies, and front row tickets to Eminem – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my jet-ski. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the cognac I left out for you.

Yours,

crazylegs

PS: Please say hi to Mrs. Claus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember IB? He has been a really selfish weener all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very ritalin-addled little advertising tampon. I have compulsively murderedand I have never helped my mommy's "special friend" with their colostomy bag. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care and so I deserve lots of age-inappropriate pants this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring valium. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my little sister, please bring a diaphragm. For my hamster, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh, and for my case worker, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith beer cozies, and front row tickets to Philip Glass- plus backstage passes so I can get airborne chlamydia! Oh, and please don't forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can't, just remember Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the meatloaf I left out for you.

Breathlessly,
Irv

PS: Please say Merry Christmas to the baby Jesus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Numbnuts? He has been a really naughty weener all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!


I like, I like!

[Lace Neil Singer]

Somehow, I knew you would. XD