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NSFW - Solicitation for murder
Poking around in other forums, I came across this and found it too funny to not share.
Be warned, this probably not safe for work. I copied and pasted from this forum, so none of the text is mine, and the person that posted this had done the same thing which you will see in the first couple paragraphs. Thought some here might find it humorous. I'm not wiccan/pagan but I laughed my arse off as this is something I might do if I were in this conversation!
Be warned, this probably not safe for work. I copied and pasted from this forum, so none of the text is mine, and the person that posted this had done the same thing which you will see in the first couple paragraphs. Thought some here might find it humorous. I'm not wiccan/pagan but I laughed my arse off as this is something I might do if I were in this conversation!
Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT MINE! It is copied from the website FetLife.com (original link https://fetlife.com/users/1015929/posts/916187) and written by the user Happy-Venom. All credit is his. I only repost it because it's freaking hilarious and Fetlife requires a log in that some people may not want to do. Enjoy.
You wouldn't think it, but I get a surprising number of batshit messages on kink sites. Not so much here, because my purpose is mostly to socialize with a few folks I know and amuse myself in groups like this, but on other sites where seeking people is the operative function, some of the things people have messaged me are dumbfoundingly bizarre.
For instance, because in my profile I mention that one of my particular specialties is being sadistic and strangling (willing) partners in a very expert fashion, due to several decades of martial arts training and a medical knowledge background, I had this brilliantly insane conversation with a young woman a few days before I posted this.
Note: This was done in chat, so I'm aware that there are a few typos on my part. I was also laughing so hard during it that my editing skills were severely compromised.
Her: hello SIR, i read u lik choking people an u lik 2 hurt them.
Me: Well, yes. I enjoy playing with masochistic people and engaging in breathplay, expecially choking play.
Her: i want 2 find some1 who can choke me an my boyfrend but i want them 2 choke us til we are ded.
Me: Say again? You want someone to strangle you and your boyfriend to death?
Her: yes.
Me: Just wondering, is he onboard with that? The getting choked to death thing
Her: we talked about it but he doesnt no if he wants 2 do it. if i find some1 who can do it rite then he will be ok wiht it i think.
Me: Notwithstanding that what you're doing is soliciting murder, never a recommended course of action online, what exactly am I supposed to be getting out of this?
Her: u get 2 choke us both more than u choked anyone b4.
Me: You know that's illegal, right?
Her: not if we agree 2 it. Thats cosenting.
Me: Um, actually, no, that's not true. You can't consent to having a felony being committed against you, especially a capital felony. Just like you can't commit suicide, even if you want to.
Her: no1 has 2 no about it.
Me: Um, yeah, right. So, what happens to the bodies?
Her: we wont need them anymore so u can do what u want 2 them.
Me: So, essentially, I have to dispose of the mess afterwards. Get rid of the bodies and make sure no one finds out.
Her: if u want 2. u culd keep them as payment.
Side note: Here's where I couldn't help myself and started to mess with her. I am a sadist, after all.
Me: Gee, how generous. Could I make suits out of your skin and pretend to be you? Like in Mission Impossible?
Her: if u want 2.
Me: Could I freeze you into the shape of sleds and slide down a hill on top of you?
Her: i dont no y u wuld want 2 but sure.
Me: Could I plasticize your bodies and turn you guys into giant marionettes, then attach them to an Xbox Kinect and make you dance around like puppets?
Her: y wuld u want 2 do that?
Me: You said I could do anything I wanted to them.
Her: oh ok. i guess so.
Me: Do you guys have any gold teeth? Or medical implants like artificial joints?
Her: y?
Me: Well, disposing of two bodies is hard work. I could sell the gold and medical parts to get some money. Come to think of it, I could make candles out of your fat and sell those, too. Can you and your boyfriend eat a lot of food for a few weeks before, so you have more bodyfat?
Her: thats gross
Me: What do you care? You wouldn't know what I did afterwards anyway.
Her: thats descration.
Me: Wouldn't turning you into a giant, remote-controlled puppet fall into that category, too? Or making a skin-suit out of you?
Her: r u a devil worshipper?
Me: I'm an atheist. Just wondering, WHY do you want someone to choke both of you to death?
Her: it wuld b romantic 2 die 2gether lik that. we luv each other an want 2 b 2gether 4ever.
Me: Would you find it romantic if I hung your bodies up and used them for punching bags? Or piñatas? I could stuff your corpses with candy and rent them to Mexican birthday parties!
Her: ur crazy.
Me: No, I'm perfectly sane. Don't you think that asking a stranger to strangle you and your boyfriend to death, especially if your boyfriend isn't 100 percent on board with it, is kind of suspect in the sanity department?
Her: we want 2 b 2gether 4rever. thats not crazy.
Me: Sadly, my dear, it actually is, if you're out searching online for an executioner.
Her: not an exedutioner. ur not chopping r heds off.
Me: After you were dead, I could, and you couldn't do anything about it. I could take your heads and make a giant pair of clacker balls out of them and bash them together until your heads were bags of mush on a string. Then I could rinse them out and wear your head-skin like ski masks!
Her: y wuld u do that?
Me: So, would it spoil the fantasy if I wanted to sodomize your corpses after you were dead? Or if I had sex with your dead body and made his dead body watch it?
Her: ur sick. why r u so mean?
Me: I'm a sadist. I like causing pain. Would it bother you if I said to his dead body, "Look, I'm ass-fucking your zombie bitch! How ya like me now?"
Her: ur fuckin nutz.
Me: No, a person masturbating into a jar of Planter's Cashews is fucking nuts.
Her: i hate u. go away.
Me: Does this mean the deal's off?
You wouldn't think it, but I get a surprising number of batshit messages on kink sites. Not so much here, because my purpose is mostly to socialize with a few folks I know and amuse myself in groups like this, but on other sites where seeking people is the operative function, some of the things people have messaged me are dumbfoundingly bizarre.
For instance, because in my profile I mention that one of my particular specialties is being sadistic and strangling (willing) partners in a very expert fashion, due to several decades of martial arts training and a medical knowledge background, I had this brilliantly insane conversation with a young woman a few days before I posted this.
Note: This was done in chat, so I'm aware that there are a few typos on my part. I was also laughing so hard during it that my editing skills were severely compromised.
Her: hello SIR, i read u lik choking people an u lik 2 hurt them.
Me: Well, yes. I enjoy playing with masochistic people and engaging in breathplay, expecially choking play.
Her: i want 2 find some1 who can choke me an my boyfrend but i want them 2 choke us til we are ded.
Me: Say again? You want someone to strangle you and your boyfriend to death?
Her: yes.
Me: Just wondering, is he onboard with that? The getting choked to death thing
Her: we talked about it but he doesnt no if he wants 2 do it. if i find some1 who can do it rite then he will be ok wiht it i think.
Me: Notwithstanding that what you're doing is soliciting murder, never a recommended course of action online, what exactly am I supposed to be getting out of this?
Her: u get 2 choke us both more than u choked anyone b4.
Me: You know that's illegal, right?
Her: not if we agree 2 it. Thats cosenting.
Me: Um, actually, no, that's not true. You can't consent to having a felony being committed against you, especially a capital felony. Just like you can't commit suicide, even if you want to.
Her: no1 has 2 no about it.
Me: Um, yeah, right. So, what happens to the bodies?
Her: we wont need them anymore so u can do what u want 2 them.
Me: So, essentially, I have to dispose of the mess afterwards. Get rid of the bodies and make sure no one finds out.
Her: if u want 2. u culd keep them as payment.
Side note: Here's where I couldn't help myself and started to mess with her. I am a sadist, after all.
Me: Gee, how generous. Could I make suits out of your skin and pretend to be you? Like in Mission Impossible?
Her: if u want 2.
Me: Could I freeze you into the shape of sleds and slide down a hill on top of you?
Her: i dont no y u wuld want 2 but sure.
Me: Could I plasticize your bodies and turn you guys into giant marionettes, then attach them to an Xbox Kinect and make you dance around like puppets?
Her: y wuld u want 2 do that?
Me: You said I could do anything I wanted to them.
Her: oh ok. i guess so.
Me: Do you guys have any gold teeth? Or medical implants like artificial joints?
Her: y?
Me: Well, disposing of two bodies is hard work. I could sell the gold and medical parts to get some money. Come to think of it, I could make candles out of your fat and sell those, too. Can you and your boyfriend eat a lot of food for a few weeks before, so you have more bodyfat?
Her: thats gross
Me: What do you care? You wouldn't know what I did afterwards anyway.
Her: thats descration.
Me: Wouldn't turning you into a giant, remote-controlled puppet fall into that category, too? Or making a skin-suit out of you?
Her: r u a devil worshipper?
Me: I'm an atheist. Just wondering, WHY do you want someone to choke both of you to death?
Her: it wuld b romantic 2 die 2gether lik that. we luv each other an want 2 b 2gether 4ever.
Me: Would you find it romantic if I hung your bodies up and used them for punching bags? Or piñatas? I could stuff your corpses with candy and rent them to Mexican birthday parties!
Her: ur crazy.
Me: No, I'm perfectly sane. Don't you think that asking a stranger to strangle you and your boyfriend to death, especially if your boyfriend isn't 100 percent on board with it, is kind of suspect in the sanity department?
Her: we want 2 b 2gether 4rever. thats not crazy.
Me: Sadly, my dear, it actually is, if you're out searching online for an executioner.
Her: not an exedutioner. ur not chopping r heds off.
Me: After you were dead, I could, and you couldn't do anything about it. I could take your heads and make a giant pair of clacker balls out of them and bash them together until your heads were bags of mush on a string. Then I could rinse them out and wear your head-skin like ski masks!
Her: y wuld u do that?
Me: So, would it spoil the fantasy if I wanted to sodomize your corpses after you were dead? Or if I had sex with your dead body and made his dead body watch it?
Her: ur sick. why r u so mean?
Me: I'm a sadist. I like causing pain. Would it bother you if I said to his dead body, "Look, I'm ass-fucking your zombie bitch! How ya like me now?"
Her: ur fuckin nutz.
Me: No, a person masturbating into a jar of Planter's Cashews is fucking nuts.
Her: i hate u. go away.
Me: Does this mean the deal's off?
)
He's brilliant! 
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