Dear....

[unclejampuff]

Dear G,

Was avoiding you in person not enough? Haven't figured out why I don't answer your calls? Why do you think I never show up on your buddy list? No response to facebook or myspace comments? Hm, this isn't brain surgery, buddy.
Being someone who has had problems with depression, I was more than willing to sit down and talk you through some rough spots. But my patience wore a little thin when I realized that you weren't getting it out, you were bragging about how miserable you are. I've suggested plenty of ways to help you help yourself; but if you're not gonna listen, I'm not gonna talk. Seriously, ALL you EVER talk about is how miserable you are... I don't want to hear it anymore.
If you were showing just the smallest bit of effort, I'd stick through for you. But you're wallowing. I explained my frustrations with your behavior, you just whined about how awful your life is. Then do something about it. You don't WANT to? That's my cue.

Much disgust,
Lauren

P.S. Take a bath sometime. I hear it does wonders for your social life.

[Becks]

Dear complexion,

Why do you feel the need to break out, especially around my chin? I make sure you're clean (and try not to dry you out...or overly touch...). Christ. Even makeup doesn't cover you up. Being nearly 29 years old makes it even more annoying.

Maybe I have to make veils fashionable again around here.

Blah.

--me

[Trayol]

Dear skinny people who claim to be fat,

Shut up, just shut up. You are not fat, deal with it. That meat you're grabbing, it's called skin you twits. I swear If I have to listen to someone else complain about their body fat being at 10% instead of 9 or lower is making them feel "chunky", I will have to personally hold them down and shove a large container of lard down their throat. Oh once again:

Shut the Fuck UP!!!!

Sincerely yours,
Trayol

[Misanthropical]

Trayol, you speak the truth! I swear if I hear one more bone thin woman saying how fat she is I'm going to force a pizza down her throat!

Anyway,

Dear teeth,

WTF is going on with you guys? Stop pissing me off by having me running to the dentist every other day! I decide to not have a tooth pulled, so another tooth decides to throw off it's filling. One of the teeth in the front, so there is no hiding it.

Now, I have to run once again to the dentist today to get it replaced, so I don't look all freaky at work.

I swear to you teeth that if you don't stop I will have you all pulled and replaced with dentures! GRRR!

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear hair

I know I have let you grow much longer than I usually do. Either you are unhappy about this or just mean.

Please stop winding around my eyebrow piercing while I'm trying to sleep so that I accidently tug at it when I'm trying to get my hair out of my face. I really don't like sleeping with you braided, but I'll do what I have to.

Love (please!)
Me

[Trayol]

Dear future self,

Stop. Think. Then act. You'll thank me later.

Yourself

[Saydrah]

Dear Rats,

NO MORE ABSCESSES! Seriously, squeezing pus out of rats is no fun. Stop fighting, and you won't get abscesses.

-Washcloth Lady, Bringer of Hot Compresses


Dear Breeder of Two of My Rats,

I can't believe that I was so deceived by you. I thought you were a very conscientious and ethical breeder, back when I was only looking for good pets and before I got into breeding. It says a lot that two of my rats- brothers- have abscesses every time they scuffle, and the rest of my rats have never had abscesses. The two brothers were bred by you.

-No Longer Gullible

[iradney]

Dear sometimes sweet, sometimes annoying friend of TTO's that recently moved to our town.

Yes, I know you're lonely. But you've only been here a month, give it time to make friends. I don't mind you coming over. BUT FOR PETE'S SAKE, CALL FIRST! There is nothing more annoying than settling into an evening with TTO, especially when he's JUST come back from a week away, and the security guy buzzes to say you're here. And then you stay for 3 hours. Plus, it's amazing how you ALWAYS pitch up right when it's dinner time. When I make supper, there are leftovers for TTO and I for lunch. It saves me having to buy food, and TTO having to make food. So you're not getting any. I'm not giving you any encouragement.
So, do come over. BUT CALL FIRST TO FIND OUT IF IT'S OK!!! GAAAAAAH


Annoyed (and cock-blocked!)

rads

[Tanasi]

Dear oldest daughter,
You chose to ignore my advice and buy a car for the sole reason that it was cute. I have no sympathy for you when it breaks down. No you can't borrow the spare that's for drivers that live in this house. No you can't borrow one of the farm trucks, antique cars/trucks you aren't insured on them and frankly your driving scares the crap out of me. No neither I, your mother, nor your grandparents are going to lend or give you money for repairs. We know and you know that you already have the money but choose not to spend your money but want to spend our money. We worked for our money and to be frank I earned your money for you. You bought that POS and you got what you paid for, maybe your baby-brother will let you borrow his scooter. I hope you have comfortable walking shoes.

Annoyed,
Your Dad,

[Becks]

Dear meat department,

I adore you guys.

Keep it your pants.



Your number one fan girl,

Becky

[gunsage]

Dear Basil, my cat,

You're a moron. No, really. Mo. Ron. You'll stay at the baby gate wailing as if you're in Bohemian Rhapsody (LET ME GO!!!~), but eventually give it up and jump the damn thing. And further, you'll come out to the living room to...what? What is it exactly that you came out here for? I don't know and I have a hunch you don't either because YOU'RE BACK AT THE GATE! ROOOOWWWWRRRRHHH!!! Dumbass!

Next up, I understand you wanting to try to get at the toilet if your water's getting low. What I DON'T understand is why you drink out of the "bowl" from the wrong end. Normally an upside down jug of water is supposed to be there, but in your everlasting retardation and pig-headed persistence, you would often knock that over so you could get to THAT hole which is slightly smaller and almost unable to conform to your BIG ASS head.

THEREFORE, even if you still have several milliliters left, ZOMG IS TOILET TIMEZ! MORON!! What I also don't get is I have the cat food in the closet. Ah, but to clarify, it's in the upper portion. There are two doors...the bottom one that leads to various stockpiled tools and the upper portion which has towels and your food. They do NOT...I repeat...NOT connect! Stop pawing open the bottom one and snooping about inside! MORON!!

Last but not least...when I say "GO AWAY, BATING!"...it means just that...not "COME AND INVESTIGATE!" GRAHH!!

With 151 in hand,



Gun Sage

[Saydrah]

Dear Stray Human,

I hope you're comfortable on the couch, because it looks like you'll be there for a while. Isn't it funny how things happen? Two weeks ago I couldn't have taken you in, but we just moved to a place with a bedroom for the last stray that showed up at my door (who is now gainfully employed and upgraded from stray to Mostly-Dear-Roomie) and now his old spot on the couch is free.

Please keep your promise to get your life back together. I think you should join AA or NA. You can't drink or do drugs here. I just will not have that around me or my pets. If you're going to give yourself a chance to survive, you're welcome here. If not, I don't know who else hasn't given up on you yet. At the point when the ER nurse compliments your knowledge of pharmacology, you might guess that you're addicted to pills.

You know you have a problem, and I believe you truly want to fix it. I can't turn away a stray in need, whatever the species, so you're welcome here as long as you're off the drugs and alcohol. Come on, I've known you since middle school, you're only 21, you're not ready to die. And you died last night already. I think maybe that shook you up enough to change. Please.

-Owner of the Couch

[the_std]

Dear James Bond, McDonald's chicken burgers, Bailey's irish cream and Dr. Scholl's Foot Spa,

Seperately, you all rock pretty hard. Together, especially after my last day of work, you are freaking HEAVEN!

Nuff' said,
Me

[CaroPhoenix]

"Dear" L,

Sure you have written 2 gaming systems that one was popular in the late 80's or so and the newest one just came out like last month. [sarcasm]You are so awesome.[/sarcasm]

However, just because I'm a bubbly type person who can talk to anyone about anything, doesn't make me a bad person. I do my job. I make sure the customers are happy and I offer them my help. I do "patrol" the "aisles" and I make sure the play area is happy. Yes, I do have my "blond moments".

However, just because I didn't connect the name Bob to Robert, doesn't mean I'm stupid. Just because I chat up the customers doesn't mean I'm stupid and hitting on and flirting with the customers. Just because I'm a girl (who is attractive, smart, and a gamer) doesn't mean you can treat me like dirt.

Start treating me with respect and I'll do the same with you. Just because you're an Ass Man, doesn't mean anything. I will defer to you out of necessity, not out of admiration.

No love,
IDaR

[Gawdzillers]

Dear A,

I miss you. That sounds wimpy, but I can't put it any other way.
Take me back, please.

E