Dear....

[MystyGlyttyr]

Dear coworker,

Yes, I am playing music at my desk. Heavy metal, thrashing, violent, loud rock, rap, whatever, the more abrasive and pissed off, the better. However, I know that complaining about it is just something you're doing to be a bitch because when I walk ten feet away from my desk, I can no longer hear it. Considering your desk is across the room, behind a wall, and you've got your loud-ass computer running, I know for a freaking fact that you can't hear it.

Do not interfere with my weekend music. I'm already in a bad mood. If I don't get my daily helping of Fozzy, it will not be pretty for one of us, and by "one of us" I mean YOU. Don't forget we're the only two in the building and I know where the security cameras are...and more specifically, are NOT.

Grrrr
Mysty

[Kusanagi]

This is going to be a long, rambling, angry one. This is going to make NO sense but I need it right now, desperately.

Dear K:

You know what? FUCK YOU. I'm so fucking sick of being used as a doormat and being jerked around. You had plans to hang out with me after FOUR FUCKING YEARS of things falling through due to legitimate reasons then changed them at the last minute to go somewhere that I can't get time off to go see you. Why? Because I finally realize you've been making me think that my feelings mattered and didn't even tell me that yours for me changed.

All things are equal in deciding when you want to come out, and I know that despite what you claim, or despite what you think, you don't give a shit. Fuck you, I'm DONE.

Sincerely, Angry Me

Dear Angry Me:

Don't lose it over this, it's not worth it. You still have friends that care about you and you'll be sure to find something where you can be happy one day. Just put your best foot forward and things will turn around in no time, okay?

Sincerely, Hopeful Me

Dear Hopeful Me:

You know what? Fuck you too. You're the reason I even exist in the first place - if you just fucking gave up on emotions when the rest of the body was broken and exhausted in a bloody lump on the floor after finally duking it out with you, we BOTH decided that just choosing not to give a shit anymore would avoid these unpleasantries. We've tried it your way and guess what? You don't do anything, you just make it easier to get hurt when slammed with thing after thing after thing after thing. There's no time to waste on you right now if we even want to fucntion to the point where we can make sales, or to the point where we can make money and not end up like we did years ago bin when we finally have it out again and go off the deep end. We finally hit a balnce over the last few months in spite of ALL the shit going on, and YOU are the one fucking it up. Be glad I even ALLOW you to exist right now AT ALL.

Sincerely, Angry Me

Dear Angry Me and Hopeful Me

Both of you shut the hell up and die already so I can be the only one left, the way it should be, the way it used to be.

Sincerely, Logical Me

Dear Logical Me

Can you please somehow get us to swing by the hospital on the way home? I think I'm broken after Angry Me got upset because of Hopeful Me over and punched the door as hard as he could.

Sincerely, My Right Wrist

[blas]

Dear Kus,

I am sending a box full of good karma sealed with a kiss your way.....

Blas

[monolayth]

Dear body,


I understand I did a lot of things this past two day that you don't like. I know this because of the way you protest when I move. It was fun right? You did enjoy it. Please quit your complaining.

Lots of Love,

The mind you are complaining to.


Dear Kus,


You ok?

Concerned,

Monolayth


Dear brother,

Move back to Omaha, I miss you!

Your little sister

[the_std]

Dear body,

Do you know what I've eaten today? Four bowls of broccoli, peas and green beans.

GET IT?!

Aaaaaaaaaargh,
Me

[Jester]

Dear Phoenix Suns.

What. The. HELL? You had control of the game. You had a 16 point lead at one point, an 8 point lead at the half, and things in control near the end of regulation and the first overtime. And you still lost? Guys, sack up! Play defense at the end the way you were at the beginning. Stop playing delay basketball near the end when you have a 3 point lead and there are 10 seconds to go, and just go to the hole and score, and make the other team try to score twice in that time. Stop throwing away the game, damnit!

Signed,

Your Loyal Psycho Fan.

P.S. I am still pissed off at you as an organization for doing exactly nothing for my niece after her brain surgery, despite repeated contacts with you. Your community relations department sucks ass. Y'all know who you are!


Dear San Antonio Spurs,

You got lucky, and you know it. This is our season, damn it, and we are going to take you down!

Signed,

Psycho Phoenix Suns Fan.


Dear Tim Duncan

You are a great player. One of the best currently, and perhaps one of the best all around players ever. You are, from all accounts, also a great person. So, with all that going on, WHY do you whine and pose and pout after Every. Single. Foul. Called. Against. You. Or. Your. Damn. Teammates?

Seriously.

Dude, I know some calls are bogus. And everyone occasionally complains about calls, valid or not. But when you whine and bitch and moan and make faces after your teammate mows down a member of the opposite team and gets called for a foul, and then you have the same exact reaction AGAIN when you mow down the SAME member of the opposite team, and both calls were CLEARLY valid charging fouls....well, then you look and sound like a whiney little punk ass bitch. I had respect for you, I did, but the more you continue to act liek whiney little punk ass bitch, the more I am going to think of you as a whiney little punk ass bitch.

Yours,

Get Real.


Dear My Mechanic

Dude, I asked you for quotes on those parts and services THREE WEEKS AGO. And reminded you about them TWO WEEKS AGO. Freakin' call me with the info, dude, and that way you can make money off of me while you actually do to my truck what needs to be done to it. Don't MAKE me go to those other guys!

Your Client (for now).

Dear Kusanagi,

You whine one more time about you being single with all these women throwing themselves at you, I will personally fly out there and throw you off a pier, bridge, or upper deck in a stadium. After I beat you silly with a whiffle ball bat. I haven't had so much as a date in ten freakin' months, and I ROCK....I don't want to hear your bitching any more, or I'll start calling you Tim Duncan.

Jester.


Dear Makers of the Big Buck Hunter video game,

Thank you for giving me something to relieve my frustrations on. Especially after that double overtime heartbreaker of a game tonight.

Frustrated Basketball Fan.

[Kusanagi]

No, I'm not

Dear wrist - please don't be broken. You know I can't afford anything more than a wristbrace right now, and I will get you one tonight...along with lotsof painkillers. Stop swelling up please...

Dear Distance - fuck you for being in the way of me and the people that care about me when I get like this. YOU are the reason I can never meet people I'm interested in.

Dear Airline Fares - see above.

Dear San Diego girls - Why do you all suck so much? Stop trying to be likeParis Hilton. And you all wonder why you blow through boyfriends. Try being genuine and STOP BITCHING ABOUT HOW THERE ARE NO NICE GUYS LEFT.

And one more that's been building up that isnt entirely original but true for me nontheless:

Dear Women who complain that there are no nice guys left:

Want to know what happened to them? YOU DID.

You see, you HAD the shot at a nice guy. If you think back, there was always a time in your life where you had a platonic guy pal who always wanted to be more, but you shrugged him off because he just wasn't your type for whatever reason your immature mind came up with. Too fat, short, poor, etc, and you tried to go after the dreamboat guy that ended up cheating on you or kicking you to the curb after he got tired of you putting out. You resented the nice guy's devotion and friendship and didn't return in kind beyond the level that was just enough to keep him around for support. Eventually, he got the hint that if he wanted to date someone like you, he'd have to act like the assholes that you had been dating. So he cleaned up his act and got some backbone when it came to what he wanted. And truth be told, turned into more of a cynical asshole than he ever wanted to be. You kept going off and doing your own thing.

So now you've still been chasing guys who still fit this horrible infantile shallow taste that you have and having only been encountering players and assholes. You try the bar and club scene for a few years, wondering "What happened to the nice guys?"

Want to know what happened to all the nice guys? You did. If only you were five years younger, or had the ability then to see what you had right in front of you at the time.

Most women will only have a handful of "nice" guys come into their lives. So please, stop misrepresenting what it is you want and grow up, or admit ot the fact that you've completely screwed yourself over. You aren't getting any younger.

Sincerely -

Someone who is STILL trying hard to be a nice guy

[Jester]

Dear Beer,

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. You are my savior more often than you know. Yes, you cause me problems too, but overall, the positives far outweigh the negatives. You rock, Beer!

Yours Forever,

Beer Drinker.


Dear Top Chef Producers,

About time you had a challenge utilizing the magic elixir that is beer. Better late than never, though.

Your Fan,

Beer Drinking Jester.


Dear Stephanie on Top Chef,

You rock. You are awesome, and you are going to win. Kick the other chef's asses for me.....and then give me a call. You are too cute!

Single Jester.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear internet connection:

Die in a fire. I shouldn't have to try connecting two or three times before I get a connection that isn't "limited connectivity" or "local only".

Irv

[Evil Queen]

Dear Kusanagi,

You whine one more time about you being single with all these women throwing themselves at you, I will personally fly out there and throw you off a pier, bridge, or upper deck in a stadium. After I beat you silly with a whiffle ball bat. I haven't had so much as a date in ten freakin' months, and I ROCK....I don't want to hear your bitching any more, or I'll start calling you Tim Duncan.

Jester.

Dear Jester,
I was wondering who was going to say it. And, oh by the way, next time I'm in S. Florida do you wanna go out and bitch about sucky customers?

I'll buy the first round,
-EQ



Dear Kus,
I agree with Jester, dude, relax and enjoy your farking fan club!

Your Fan Club president,
-EQ



Dear Job,

Either please stop making the phone ring or please start giving me more walk ins because if you're going to interrupt my eating my banana and peanut butter sandwich -- The first meal I've eaten all day -- you better have a good reason.

More then slightly irked,
-EQ


Dear Work Accountant,

Please give me my raise now! I don't wanna wait until JUNE!

The lady in waiting,
-EQ



Dear Irving Patrick Freleigh,

Get your fanny back in the barn, we're not done being mean to you yet! And why'd you take the beard off?!? Don't make me send the rest of the group after you with chains!

Your Loving Fiend,
-EQ

P.S. I missed the "r" on purpose.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Evil Queen:

You talk but I'm still on the loose. Ha ha! I'm getting away!

*plbbbbtttttt!
Irv

[Jester]

...next time I'm in S. Florida do you wanna go out and bitch about sucky customers?

I'll buy the first round...

Dear EQ,

Well, when you offer free booze, how can I refuse?

So, when should I expect this first round. Are you expecting to be in the Keys anytime soon?

Inquiring livers want to know......



Jester

[Kusanagi]

Dear everyone -

Please see my comments about airfare and distance. :P

Hey, I'm only human and I've been through alot of shit this last year without a breakdown. I think I've earned a little emo time to listen to Linkin Park.

[Jester]

Dear Kusanagi,

Emo this.

Your friend.

[Evil Queen]

Dear Jester,

I'll be in S. Florida when the last "grandparent" finally kicks the bucket. But he's a mean old bastard so it may be a while.

But I'll be happy to share the free booze offer with anyone else who wants to come with!

-EQ



Dear Irving,

You've not seen the last of me! I have Evil Irv, he'll be a decent substitute for now.

Happy Days are Here Again,
-EQ