Dear....

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear stupid customers,

Read this; I am saying it slowly so you will understand; THERE. IS. NO. PETROL. SHORTAGE. Did you get that? We are not Scotland. So there is no need for you to all charge into the petrol station and fill your tanks to bursting, along with petrol cans galore. But if you do insist on being idiots over this, then petrol rationing will happen; just like last time. And then us sensible people suffer, just cuz you're moronic enough to believe everything the Daily Mail says.

LNS.

[the_std]

Dear Antonio Banderas,

I watched "Take The Lead" for the first time last night. I know I swore up and down that I will never, ever have children, EVER!, but...

CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?!!

Swooning,
Me

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear L,

Thank you for coming into work 10 minutes before I had to leave! I only had to deal with you for those 10 minutes and at least 2 different customers noticed you don't like me. That's bad.

No likey,
IDaR

----------------------------------------------
Dear C,

Hubs says I can start dating you so you can take me out places. (Though, I think he was joking).

However, you rawk. You're intelligent and I think you're awesome for thinking I actually have knees.

Much likey,
IDaR

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear left ear--

You suck.

Long and hard.

--Me

[Dark-Star]

Dear parents with a mild case of grandbaby-rabies:

Will you PLEASE knock it off with the references to getting married and starting a family? In case you haven't observed I am at the moment -

A. Unemployed and with no prospects
B. An emotional wreck barely capable of keeping myself from self-harm
C. In possession of hormones that have 'flatlined' due to constant discouragement and recent lack of use.
D. Frightened of being mugged by the legal system if my wife figures out that she can rob me blind in court at any time and for any reason and I will have little recourse.

In spite of all this you continue with the references and nudges that you think are clever and/or subtle (they're usually not). And I thought it was bad seeing every other guy I know get a girlfriend or get married - like the 2 guys who are getting married THIS MONTH.

I don't care how much you want grandkids or how much you think marrying me off would be beneficial to me and whoever I wedded. I am in no shape to so much as land a Friday night date to McDonald's, never mind find a lifemate. And BTW, my church elder father, would you kindly remember that verse in the Bible about a man who doesn't provide for his family - the one that says he is 'worse than an unbeliever'??? Remember that? I'm still stuck in the basement b/c of a lousy job market and lousier luck. I can't' even pay for my own life for a month, never mind support someone else.

I humbly ask that until I have the following you cease and desist from any references to a change in my marital state, to wit---a stable job, an apartment I am able to rent and furnish at my own expense, and a decent used car. You and dad had all those before you met, so all I ask is that at the minimum. Then you may resume the bingos and winks and nudges in full force.

Your respectful but frustrated son,

**********

[Amethyst Hunter]

Warning: Profanity ahoy

Dear Assholes,

FUCK YOU.

Just FUCK YOU.
You give my goddamned brother a free pass on everything, but because I have mental and sensitivity and health issues, some of which YOU GAVE ME AND NEVER BOTHERED TO FUCKING HELP ME WITH, *I'M* the fucking problem?!?!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

[monolayth]

Dear friends,

I love you. I really do. That is why I invited you over. We played games had cake it was fun. SO go home. Its ten till 2. Seriously go! I made it very clear that it was the approprate time to go.

I said its time that they needed to leave because I was getting tired and needed to workt he next day.

Two of you understood and left. Two of you are still on my sofa. Granted I don't mind S very much. She is my best friend. But D LEAVE! yes you are S's good friend. But you are not mine. You two arrived sepreatly. You have no reason to stay. so shoo.

D you had better leave before i shoo you out the door with a broom.

signed, the tired hostess

[Tanasi]

Dear Customer,
From the looks of your blue prints the new look should really help your business. With the lobby work now being done I don't know how you're managing with guests as we all know they can be quite a pain. Now on to business, your file server crashed Friday because it was full of concrete dust, there was even dust on your so called backups. It's common sense that tells you to cover electronic equipment with plastic, old worn out thread bare sheets aren't good enough because the dust just passes on through. Three of us spent the biggest part of Saturday rebuilding that server and we all had other plans. BTW the server room will have to be cleaned and blowing it out won't work. The dust will have to be wiped up with damp cloths anything else will just move it around and continue the problem. No cleaning your server room isn't part of our contract. If it goes down again in 2 weeks because of the concrete dust maybe having to hand write the month's entire payable checks and manually write each and every paycheck will teach you a lesson. I doubt it.

T

Dear Cow-irker,
You drive too dang fast. It's a mini-van it wasn't designed to leave the ground ever!!! When one or more of the tires do leave the ground I will yell. So you're in a hurry to get back to the office, I don't much care because with the way you're driving we won't make it back. Slow the F down. I'm not afraid to die but I don't want to die today with you in a mini-van.

T

[Kusanagi]

Dear monday - HURRY UP AND END ALREADY

[Trayol]

Dear Body,

Why must you hate me? Don't think I won't go to war with you. Just ask Brain.

A pre-emptive feeling Trayol

[monolayth]

Dear lungs,

Please be nice and work correctly. I dont like this feeling. I promise to be nice to you!

Love the one you are making wheeze

[blas]

Dear car,

I need you back. Please don't have anything else wrong with you. I've been down this road before. I thought it was just a Ford thing, but now I stand corrected. Seriously, once I'm done paying you off, you do this to me one more time and you'll find yourself at a junkyard being groped day in and day out for parts.

Rawr

Blas

[monolayth]

Dear self,

It was only two inches, Quit freaking out. It will grow back and be healthy. It did not take that long to get it that long. next year you will be sitting on it. you had split ends. Again quit freaking out!

Love, yourself.

[crazylegs]

Dear CC

Please work out in your mind what you want us to do. If you want us to do roufty tufty stuff then give us the kit do to it, if you don't, don't give us the training and not the kit.

Yours confused

Crazylegs

[Kusanagi]

Dear Blood Test:

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING UP NEGATIVE FOR INDICATORS OF THE C WORD SO NO MORE INVASIVE PROCEDURES WILL BE NEEDED AT THIS TIME.

Dear Emergency Room:

That endoscopy sucked the second time I went in vomiting blood. I would prefer to not have to do that again, although thankfully you determined the blood was coming from a tear in my esoghagus. Now you want to do some more blood work and will have results on Thursday or Friday. I can wait.

Dear Specialist:

Thank you for outlining the four or five causes as to what makes an esoghagus bleed, and explaining why you gave me the endoscopy. I did not know that bleeding in the upper tract could indicate a condition that might be fatal, so now I know why you were all panicking and rushing me into prep so soon.

Dear Liver:

Please don't be the problem. If you are, I don't want to have to get transplant surgery to replace you.

From the pan into the fire
Kusanagi