Dear....

[Evil Queen]

Dear Mimi,

No, I'm sorry I'm not the "good granddaughter" you always thought I was but you know what? I never was the good one and you only think I'm the good one because I had the patients to try to help you through your homework/computer/tv/remote/cable internet problem but I got tired of having to repeat myself to your vindictive ass. Shut the Fuck up.

I am going to cuss, I am going to die a happy atheist, No I'm not going to marry the guy I'm currently having a relationship with and I DON'T CARE WHAT THE NEIGHBORS NICE YOUNG SON IS DOING!!!!

Much love,
EQ


Dear Bank,

How many times do I have to request; please tie my savings account to my checking account so I don't have to call you, chew you out and demand you refund all those late fees that never would have been there if you had done your jobs in the first place! Have a good day!

Not so much love,
EQ

And...

Dear Pompus Ex Boyfriend;
Just because you talk to my sibling daily doesn't mean I'll be letting you back in my life! Please piss off and die a terrible death!

and....
Dear Sibling,
STOP TALKING TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND DAILY BECAUSE IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU DECIDE TO HANG UP ON ME SO YOU CAN TALK TO HIM! It's been a year just admit you "love him" and fucking move on!

-Your sister on Hold.

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear Sibling,
STOP TALKING TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND DAILY BECAUSE IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN YOU DECIDE TO HANG UP ON ME SO YOU CAN TALK TO HIM! It's been a year just admit you "love him" and fucking move on!

-Your sister on Hold.

I suddenly have the chills.

We need to talk.

[TTAZ]

Dear Upstairs Neighbor,

Thank you oh-so- fucking much for bringing that skank back to live with you after the cops tossed her out. Although I must apologize for my mistake that you were a rude, narcisistic asshat, for once I saw your #1 girl wearing that miniskirt that obviously showed of her inability to afford panties, I realized that you are simply doing the charitable thing and getting her off the streets where her pimp was obviously taking all of her panty fund.

Oh, and STFU, and die.

Loathing you more each day,

TTAZ



Dear Cunt Harpy, aka, J, aka my SO's EX-wife,

HE LEFT YOU. Get the fuck over it. He did not leave you because he was tired of being left in your shadow of fabulousness. He did NOT leave you because he was snowed by an untrustworthy younger woman. I didn't even MEET him until long after your marriage was over in all but name. NOBODY is fooled by your sudden desire to move to a city you never mentioned before in your life CONVENIENTLY a mere few days before my son was due. I'm sorry that your son is now in love with the brother you tried so hard to prevent him from meeting. I'm also so sorry for disappointing you by having a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy instead of the scrawny little whine bag you so hoped I'd have, despite me not following YOUR instructions to the letter regarding MY pregnancy. STOP TRYING TO PUT YOUR MUDDY PAW PRINTS ALL OVER THE WAY I CHOOSE TO RAISE MY CHILD. Unlike you, I don't think it's anything less than child abuse to breastfeed a child until he is EIGHT YEARS OLD, unlike you, I don't think it's acceptable that he is still having bathroom accidents at the age of TWELVE! If he truly cannot help it then he needs to go to a doctor, if he is choosing to do this then you need to put an end to it.

Face facts, you had no desire to be a good friend, wife, or mother. You felt that biological clock tick, LIED about your inability to get pregnant and imported someone to knock you up because anybody that actually knew you, hates you. Just because you have at LEAST six blogs doesn't mean you are clever. Far from it. Just because you tried to homeschool your son once for a month or so, does not make you an incarnation of any goddess. Just because you got sick from a vaccine does not make them evil, and you are a selfish bitch for not allowing your son to get any. This may end up making him seriously ill, (which as a parent your job is to try and PREVENT this, btw), or kill him.

STOP calling SO's family to "chat". They hate you, and have personally told me so. M is not your mum, so stop calling her "Mum". YOUR Mum was an alcoholic abusive woman that got exactly what she deserved. Get over it. Get a life. Let your son have a relationship with his father on HIS terms, not yours.

Hoping you die in a very silly manner,

The untrustworthy other woman

[Amethyst Hunter]

Dear...Hillary Rodham Clinton...Al Gore...

I totally agree with you on everything in that post except for those two. I don't think they're evil enough to warrant it.

Saydrah - how would you like to come out east and have a little...talk...with my HS sophomore rat pizzle of a teacher?

As for me:

Dear Parents,

I love you. Really, I do. I understand now (well after the damage has been done, of course, but that's another rant for another time) why you are the way you are, and that's okay. But seriously - we NEED to clear out all this shitty clutter we've accumulated over the last what, 30? 40? years. It's not doing us any good and some of it could go to people who can actually use it. And a lot of it is just plain *worthless shit*. (I'm talking to you there, Dad. WE DO NOT NEED A RUSTED BROKEN-DOWN GIANT MEDICAL OFFICE SCALE!)

Yeah, I realize I'm hardly on solid ground when it comes to clutter-hoarding. But at least I'm aware of my faults and try to fix them. Matter of fact, I'm considering some spring cleaning of my own. Moving all this crap around sucks, and I'm not getting in any better physical shape to do it.

So please, for all our sanity's sakes, let's weed out some of the crap we just don't need and will never use again (if at all). Besides - we can always accumulate better crap later on!

Love, your daughter

--

Dear anti-choice anti-birth control anti-*female* religion-hijacking asshole scumbags around the world,

STFU. It's none of your goddamn business whether or not a female takes contraception, has an abortion, or does whatever else with her body for whatever reason. Places like Planned Parenthood do more for women's healthcare than losers like you will ever hope to accomplish with all your hateful condescending two-faced lies, propaganda and tactics (some of which has even been known to include violence, depending on the group). Don't like that? Tough shit. It's not your right to dictate to someone like me what I can or can't have/do just because you don't like it. So, to quote Jester,

Fuck off and die!!!

No love whatsoever, Me

--

Dear Jesus,

I like you. I really do. You seem pretty cool, and although I don't know for sure how You feel exactly about me given my own personal list of sins (and won't until I get there to meet You), I like to think that we would get along okay. But, Lord, PLEASE save us from some of Your professed followers. They scare the absolute shit out of me!

Your (hopefully) friend, Me

--

Dear Me,

See the above letter to your parents. IT'S OKAY TO LET GO OF CLUTTER. Really, you'll get to accumulate more shit somewhere down the road. Then you can have fun trying to figure out where it all goes all over again!

Oh, and lay off the soda and candy. You've been hitting that a little rough lately, and the teeth aren't happy about it. Capisce?

Yours always, Me

--

Dear Wisdom Tooth and the gum you live in,

YOU SUCK. You had to go and throw a little piss onto what was otherwise a good Easter. And, as if that wasn't annoying enough, you had to stay irritated for a full week, thereby ruining my enjoyment of other foods. If I wasn't so broke right now, I'd rip your rotten ass out of there with my own bare hands. Thank God for the vodka trick (courtesy of a fine CS.com patron! ). And Listerine. Mustn't forget our best friend Mr. Listerine. That'll learn ya, beeyotch.

Despising you forever, Me

[Jester]

I think I love you. I yell this at someone every single day.

And yet you are only four hours north of me. Come on down, I'll buy you a drink!

I totally agree with you on everything in that post except for those two. I don't think they're evil enough to warrant it.

And that is one area we will disagree on.

And that is the great thing about opinions. They are like assholes. Everyone has one.

So, to quote Jester...

I can't lie, I do like being quoted.....makes me feel as if I almost matter.


Dear Idiot Punk Teenager In The Street,

Go ahead, take your time crossing the road. Despite, of course, your girlfriend stopping as she saw my truck coming at a speed reasonable enough not only for the road, but also reasonable enough for her to stop crossing the road and attempt to wait for me to pass. Despite YOU clearly seeing me and strolling oh so casually across the street. Despite the fact that said crossing behavior made me wail on my brakes so that I wouldn't hit you.

Oh, and don't mind that horn thing. I know I blew it at you. Twice. Once for forcing me into panic stop mode, and the second time for you giving me the finger after I honked at you after NOT killing you. Yeah, don't mind that. It doesn't mean anything.

By the way, I feel, as a friend, I should let you know that next time you are crossing the street and I am coming along, as I don't want to distress you with my horn and force you to exhibit that rude one-fingered gesture I am sure you loathe so much....well, next time I will not bother with the horn, and just ram right into you, shattering your skeleton into pieces that even House and the CSI team couldn't put back together, you suicidal idiotic waste of skin.

Thanks.

Jester

[monolayth]

Dear Father of mine.

I hate you. I really do. Yes we can get along wonderfully for several hours at a time. But did you ever notice I am never sober during that time frame? You sucked as a father. I never liked you growing up. It might have been the temper tantrums you would throw, during which, you trashed the house and left it for me to clean up. The fact that you will never spare a dime for me when I need it sucks. And what sucks more is how involved you are with your new wife's children. You will always bail them out. Hell there is always one of them and their children living with you. You seem to have more loyalty to these children who you did not meet till they were adults.

You wonder why I love my step father who has always been there for me since he met me. He has been kind and understanding. he never screamed at me, thrown things at me, trashed the house, or abandonded me. He has also never abused me in any way. He was even there for me during that time that mom decided to give a realtionship with you once more try.

And that who thing in your and my mothers divorce decree about how I could never call my step father any form of "dad" was really mature. For your information, I would never insult him so. I have one father and he is a jackass. I would never deem to confuse you two.

I hate you, Your loving daughter.

[iradney]

Dear manufacturers of car alarms

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU PUT A TIME LIMIT ON HOW LONG THOSE THINGS WAIL ON FOR!!!

No love

a very cranky iradney who kept getting woken up by a F****NG CAR ALARM LAST NIGHT

[draggar]

Dear complainers,

Don't just bitch and moan on forums, PROVIDE REASONABLE SOLUTIONS! (And not ones that are just way out there or typed in anger (like fire all of them), make them reasonable!

[crazylegs]

Dear T

I was there for you, I was awoken by you at night more times than I can remember, I put my life on hold to help you FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS. I understand that you went through an horrific experience which is why I was there 24/7, I helped you get back on your feet and helped you into your dream job.

Yes if I hadn't helped you get over your rape someone else would have done, but why have you so completely cut me off without even a reason why? I didn't get told you got married, let alone an invite, you didn't tell me you had a child, nor again when you had your second child.

I don't want recognition of any kind, nor glorification, just a message to tell me why you don't want to talk to me or want me in your life at all, thats all I ask for the hours of work I put in to help you.

Yours, confused

Crazylegs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Grandparents

I am fed up to the back teeth of your lack of acceptance to your respective child in law. My parents have been married now for nearly 30 years, isn't it time you Shut The Fuck UP about how you're not happy that your son/daughter married someone you don't agree with, I'm sorry but you're not marrying them so you have very little to say about it, especially as neither of you contributed a single penny to the ceremony, my father had to pay for the entire thing from a (then) pitiful Policemans wage in the early 80s.

Get over it.

Yours, angrily

Crazylegs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear General Public

No, I haven't always been this tall, things might have been slightly unpleasant for my mother. No the weather is no fucking different 'up here' then where you are. You have no right to demand to know how tall I am, nor any other personal information. Its no business of yours where I get my clothes from, and no I don't have to sew two pairs of trousers together as you so 'humoursly' stated. No I'm not stood on a box, nor have I stilts under my trousers. I do not, never have and never will play basketball, would you suggest to an overweight man he would make an excellent sumo wrestler?

Yours, annoyed (constantly)

Crazylegs

[Ree]

Dear person who has an answer for everything,

I have caught you in so many lies and half truths, and when I call you on them, you always have an answer. Don't you know that the internet exists, and Google is your friend, and the truth can be verified with just a few keystrokes and the click of a mouse?
All your outrageous claims can be seen through if a person just uses their head and doesn't blindly believe everything told to them.

I am really sick of your drama. Nothing is ever simple in your world. It's as if Murphy's Law was written just for you, because anything that can go wrong, does go wrong when it comes to your life - at least, it seems that way, based on all your wild stories.

I especially love it when you tell the same story twice and give 2 different versions of the details. Here's a tip, if you're going to lie, make sure you remember which version you have told before repeating it to the same group of people.

Quit playing for attention and preying on the sympathy of kind-hearted people. Too many people are willing to believe the best of others, and you have people right in the palm of your hand, eating up your tales of misery and feeling sorry for you.

You claim not to have money, and then spend any that you have in stupid ways, but nobody notices. Well, I notice, because everything you say to me now is suspect, and I verify every claim you make.

One of these days, you won't have an easy answer, and I will out you for the liar and needy, grasping attention whore that you are. It will not be pretty.

Ree

[Crazeyal]

To my former friends,

PLEASE STOP EXISTING!

I know I should be over this. Mostly, I am. But every once in a great while, I regret the way I ended things. Which is to say, being mature and just walking away. You abused the relationship, took everything I had to offer and gave almost nothing back. Friends are supposed to BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER!!! Me dropping everything whenever you had a hangnail or something, and then you JUST NOT BEING THERE when I needed something?? Simply unacceptable. I got tired of being your doormat.

I cut my losses.

There are times I just WISH I had smashed you in the face, and let my displeasure be known with a tire iron and a BLOWTORCH!

On the rare nights that I reminisce... It's not any of you that I miss.. It's the people I THOUGHT you were. It's the friends I THOUGHT I had. But hey.. You DID give me a nagging distrust of people in general, so that's SOMETHING...

[iradney]

Dear Hopper

Stop being so gosh-darned cute. You're a loving, happy little furchild, and if I ever have a baby human, I want it to be like you.

Love you lots!
Mom

[Becks]

I can't lie, I do like being quoted.....makes me feel as if I almost matter.

Almost matter? Quoting you is fun, you know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mommy,

Thank you for being a wonderful mother. I mean it. I know it wasn't easy, especially with both me and Bella to take care of.

If I ever acted like a brat and told you I hated you, I didn't mean it. I hope I never said that. If I did, I hope you've forgiven me.

Things weren't easy for you, but you did your best. And hell, we ended up better than the Murphy side, didn't we?

Oh, and I should've taken you up on your offer to hit Mickey D's on the way to the airport. They didn't have the muffins for the flight snack. Someone forgot to put them on the plane.

Love,

Becky

[blas]

Dear Troll,

STOP STARING AT ME! Stop quitting working just to listen in on a conversation I am having with a trainee. Stop quitting working every time you see me wander to someone else's machine to discuss something with them. STOP STARING AT ME EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU SEE ME. I AM LOOKING AT. THE. CLOCK. NOT YOUR UGLY FACE! STOP STARING! It's pretty pathetic you cannot get anything done because you spend all night staring at everyone and eavesdropping on everyone's conversations. It doesn't involve you, so STOP IT!

Stop staring at my coworkers and trainees as well. They want to be left alone and to work. Stop talking to us on break. We don't like you. You are annoying.

Go back under your bridge or find something shiny to look at.


Dear Cellulite:

GO AWAY!

Dear Wrinkles:

Go back into my skin and do not come back for at least another 20 years.

Dear pimples:

ONE DAY, ONE VERY WONDEFUL DAY, I WILL FIND A CURE....and you will NEVER EVER have the pleasure of popping up whenever you please or every time I get a little bit pissy. ONE DAY you will cease to exist.

[Jester]

Dear Wallet,

How the hell do you accumulate so much shit inside you? What IS all this stuff? Months old credit card slips, months old bank slips, business cards from....who ARE these people, anyways? Ooh, three free drink tickets....a little redemption for you....and four lottery tickets.....with not one matching more than two numbers. Why do you tease me so, Wallet, why? And why don't you have more money in you? I mean, besides those Mexican and Bermudan banknotes and all those two dollar bills that you KNOW I'm not gonna spend. Come on, Wallet, get it in gear, and stop being such a Costanza Wallet.

Thanks.

Jester