Dear....

[Becks]

Dear ankles,

Please stop swelling.

Please.

It hurts and makes me cranky.

Retainingly,

me

[crazylegs]

To the Driver of the Silver VW Golf VA07 %%% on the A417 northbound at 07:00 today.

Look at your speedometer, what does it say? I would suggest it reads around 75+ mph. Do you know the stopping distance for that speed, if not allow me to educate you, it's 356 feet.

That's correct, 356 feet, around 106 metres in new money.

Now that I have imparted that wonderful knowledge to you may I now ask why you were less than ten feet behind my bumper whilst travelling at that speed while we were overtaking that lorry?

May I also ask why you felt the need to flash your headlights at me? I will decide when it is safe to move into lane 1, not some idiot who cannot drive properly (just for your notes it's safe when you can see all of the car in your rear view mirror).

The next time you try a stunt like that I will do the following.
1) Write down your Registration
2) Put in a complaint of dangerous driving
3) Watch you squirm in court when you lose your licence.

Yours, annoyed

Crazylegs

[CaroPhoenix]

My Dearest Child,

When I tell you to lay down and close your eyes, I'm not saying that just to hear my own voice. I'm saying it because it's 5 o'clock in the freaking morning and I wan some more sleep!!!

No more waking up early, please????

Love you,
Mommy

[draftermatt]

Dear Mom,

Stop asking when we are going to have kids. And stop saying "you need to have babies so I can quit my job"

If you want babies so bad then go adopt one. Wifey and sister (mine) both told you the same thing.

If you want to quit your job, then quit! Dad even told you to quit so that you'll cook once in a while and he doesn't have to keep spending money going out/take out every night.

We'll have kids when we are good and ready. And it won't be for a while!

By the way, it's only been two years, how did you forget when our anniversary was already?

Your Son,

Me

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear left leg/hip/knee/combo--

For the love of sleep, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease stop hurting. I know you don't like the computer chair, but there isn't much I can do about it at the moment.

If you stop hurting, I'll give you your choice of Jameson's, Tequila Rose, and.or Bailey's on Sunday night.

Seriously--knock it off.

In scream-inducing pain--

--Me

************************************************** **************

Dear Fave Ex®--

I'm glad you plan to be back relatively soon. I can't wait.

For the love of me, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!!!

Is tusa m'fhíorghrá.

--Me

************************************************** **************

Dear Becks--

I can't wait.

::wriggle::

Are you here yet?

--LLS

************************************************** *************

Dear Rooks--

Please get better. I don't want to have to take you to the vet. You don't like vets, remember?

Very scared--

--Me

[JoitheArtist]

Dear left arm;

I know my work desk sucks. But PLEASE stop going numb and sending shooting pains into my hand and shoulder. Please please please, I write for a living and I neeeeeeed you.

-------

Dear lovely bi-polar INFP brain;

I realize you are sensitive and never really got over that whole never-having-friends-til-college thing. I get that. But seriously, you have friends now. You have a job others your age would kill for. You live in a town you love, and have money to buy enough books to feed your reading habit. STOP. BEING. DEPRESSED. Seriously! And stop trying to tell me that people don't want to be around me, because it's a frakking lie and we both know it.

So please be a good brain and shut up. If you shut up, I'll give you ginger beer and gummi brains. You LIKE gummi brains, remember?

[AdminAssistant]

Dear stuff,

If I leave the boxes open in the middle of the floor, could you pack yourself? I'd really appreciate it.

Love,
No time to pack

---------------------------------------------------

Dear birdies,

I know that when the wonderful bright sun rises in the sky, you get very excited and like to express this by singing and calling and talking to all of your bird buddies. But please, do you have to do it in the tree by my window? At 6 am on a Saturday? I keep those dark drapes over my window for a reason - I want to sleeeeep.

Sleepily yours,
Me

[Becks]

Dear Lizziebeff,

Not yet.

Almost.

Getting there.

Love,

Becks

[dispatch]

To the person who assaulted NimrodJess this evening-

I'm a forgiving guy, I don't hold many grudges against people I don't know, but you just jumped straight to the top of list! I hope you're having fun and making friends in lockup, you're going to be there for a day or two after all!
I would advise that when you get out, please excercise some common sense and lay low. You have allot of people who really aren't happy with you right now, and while we aren't going to go actively searching for you, we may have some unkind words and gestures should we see your sorry ass.
If you decide that you must be a persistent little dumbass and exact some kind of revenge, I would encourage you to do so on my side of the river! As you may have heard Omaha got rid of it's city jail recently so your sorry ass would go straight to county to play with the big boys! If you could also do me a favor and make sure to do this while I'm nearby that would just make my day! I'm not stupid enough to physically assault you, but I would be delighted if you gave me, or her, an excuse to employ self-defense.
In all honesty I sincerely hope never to see you again, and if you're smart you'll wish the same of me and mine. Please listen to reason and play nice, accept your fate, and move on with your life, if you had done so in the first place this would never have happened.
Meanwhile, I hope you're enjoying your tour of the jailhouse, I've heard great things about that place; fresh clothes, a bed, free cable... Maybe this will give you some time to think about your actions, but if I were a betting man I'd say it won't be your last time in a correctional facility!

You have the reasoning skills of a turkey in a rainstorm,

dispatch

[AdminAssistant]

Dear muscles,

I realize I overdid it at strike tonight lifting much more than you're used to - but it had to be done. I'm going to need all of you pretty soon - I start moving stuff on Wednesday, y'know. Please don't be mad at me...and Quit Hurting!!!

Owwwieeeee,
Me

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear Cow working at the local Subway--

Don't roll your eyes when I politely ask for a clean knife when you cut my sub. If I wanted mayo or God knows what else on my sub, I'd ask for it.

--Me

[Igorina]

Dear tonsils,

Soon we shall be parting company.

I can't say as I'll be sorry to see you go. This year you took up with a bad crowd and let strep set up shop in your crypts. It has come to the point where the surgery to remove you is cheaper and less of a hassle then dealing with a case of full blown strep every month.

I don't know where you'll end, but send a post card, you know I collect those.

Toodles,
Igorina

[Melxb]

Dear Soon-To-Be-Ex-Boyfriend,

I know we're going to part ways pretty soon...probably by the end of this week or next week. I'm numb. Literally. I've shut down emotionally. It's going to hurt very very badly. I'm preparing myself for the intense heart break and inevitable emotional free-fall downward.

I love you, but I know, the smart, level-headed part of me, knows that this is the best thing for both of us.

But oh how I'll miss you....

M

[NimrodJess]

Dear Guy,

I very nearly ended things with you yesterday because I was terrified of following the same path with you that I've taken so many times before. I very nearly let the stress in my life dictate my future. I very nearly walked away from the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I just wanted to thank you... for everything. Thanks for being my shoulder when I cried, my pillar when I needed strength, and a warm pair of arms when I needed a hug. Here's to the future.


Love (more than I'd care to admit),

The hopeless romantic you woke up next to

[blas]

Dear Karma and Luck,

I hate you. There are lots of people I know and work with who are flat out terrible, awful people who plot to get people fired and do more than just simple bitching about lazy people. Do they have to get in car accidents? Do they have to struggle to support themselves and eat and live? I admit I was thinking some really terrible things this morning, but did I really have to bash into some guy's car in front of EVERYONE and destroy my clean record and clean out my wallet AGAIN?

Blas