Dear....

[iradney]

Dear TTO

You know what I want for my birthday. It's the same thing I've been wanting for every gift-giving occasion for the past two years. Please don't let me down. I don't think my psyche can handle it again. Even though it's mostly my fault for thinking "Oooh, maybe THIS time he'll do it!" and then the day comes and...you don't....
*sigh*
rads

[AdminAssistant]

Dear Dad,

I know that you never got to have the life you envisioned. That sucks. I also know that as you approach the same age Grandpa was when he died, you've started going through a midlife crisis and contemplating your own mortality. But the way you're reacting is juvenile and dangerous. Drinking? Again? Really? And that's "not so bad". You're a f*cking drunk. And yes, it is so bad. It's terrible, because you have such a temper and get such a kick for making Mom feel guilty. I don't want you guys to get a divorce, but if it would keep you from killing each other, then go ahead. Because frankly, you're going to force Big Sis and me to choose between the two of you. I know what Mom did...12 freakin' years ago. You chose to stay. You chose to marry her when you chose not to wear a condom and 'tada!' had a baby. Your CHOICE. Stop acting like the rebellious teenager you never got to be. And if you do something stupid when Mom comes up to visit like you did last time she visited..remember? When you took a whole bunch of sleeping pills then got in my truck that had JUST got fixed? And wrecked it? TWICE? Yeah, if there's a repeat of that, I may not forgive you. I have too much going on up here to be worried sick about the latest idiotic thing you're going to do to yourself. I can't take care of you or Mom. I'm trying to do the most important thing I've ever done for myself. If something happens to either of you, I'm not going to be able to do that, thus robbing me of my dream just as your dream was robbed from you.

Just. Please. STOP.

~ Your Little Girl

[ArenaBoy]

Dear random friend who called me at three AM, and was drunk,

WHY?! I was half awake for a interview I had for a article and at three AM you have the unmitigated drunken gall to call me at that hour. Be glad that I was not fully awake.

Dear iPod,

Please continue playing the brilliance that is A Tribe Called Quest.

Dear the_STD,

Hang in there!

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear mind,

These dreams have to stop. Please. I'm so exhausted from starting out my days in a frustrated mood because of these dreams. I haven't had bad dreams in years, and even then, not this often. I'm not sure what's going on or what to even do about it. I just know it needs to stop. I was actually doing better in general and was happy. Then you hit and between the bad dreams getting ideas into my head and then me having to struggle not to think about those ideas all day, it's been going a bit downhill. I just need a break and a chance to catch my balance.

Dear work,

Interesting and fun though you've been, please let today be a slow day.

[blas]

Dear bf,

Your moodiness is getting unbearable. I honestly feel this has become a one sided relationship. We haven't even been together for 2 months yet you have barely anything to say to me, on the phone and when we hang out. I feel I like you more than you like me.

I don't know why you have nothing better to talk about than your stupid car and your stupid motorcycle. All you ever talk about is what you want to do to both. You barely say anything when I desperately try to get a conversation going. All you say is "Uh huh" "Mhmmm" and "Yep".

So I figured I'd back off a bit. Maybe I was coming on too strong. I stopped telling you I miss you. I stopped sending you stuff on Facebook. I stopped asking you if you were excited for the next time we are going to meet up. And guess what? I don't think you've even noticed. I don't think you even care.

I'm only going to keep this shit up a little while longer. I'm giving you some space and backing off. You aren't noticing. You are just as apathetic towards me as you were already. If you don't snap the fuck out of it or tell me the god damn truth sometime soon, then I'm going to rock your world and end it with you. Because I can't do this forever, and I will NOT spend another series of weeks or months just waiting for the dreaded day that I hear "This isn't going to work" or "We need time apart".

Think about what you want. Because I'm already starting to make up my mind. If you don't start putting any effort into this relationship and if you don't find those things called BALLS and tell the damn truth (if you really DON'T want to be in a relationship) then get ready for what I'll have to say soon!

Blas

[Dreamstalker]

Dear Boss:

If I leave a note on a machine reading "RAM dead, needs minimum 1GB PC3200" with the dead stick pulled and marked as such, please do not pop any old stick in there to get it back to the customer. The same machine came back today for RAM errors...what did I find? A 1GB stick of PC2700 which I had binned the previous day because your assistant killed it. And no, we have no PC3200 in the shop and I seriously doubt the two unmarked sticks in the corner of the display case are the correct ones.

[Dreamstalker]

Dear blas:

The ex did that, and then tried to twist it/pin it all on me. Some guys just don't get it and possibly never will. Good luck.

[blas]

Dreamstalker, how in the world could your SO be able to turn it around and pin it on you? I don't get it.......unless he was nuts.

I never thought about that until now..

[BookstoreEscapee]

Dear erasily's baby,

Please don't make your mommy sick for the entire nine months like my cousin's kids did to her (all 3 of them! - can you say "vasectomy"? I knew you could!). She needs to feel good to get things ready for you.

<3
some sympathetic chick in Jersey

[Dreamstalker]

Dear blas:

I'm not entirely sure myself...he tried to say I was the one who "didn't want to talk about us" when each time I tried, he derailed the discussion with his latest conspiracy theory or how he couldn't find a job (and many moons ago, expected to show up at my doorstep with no money and no job and me to be happy about it). Yeah, he was also nuts. Whether the nuttiness contributed to or was caused by his choices of the last couple years I know not.

------------------------------

Dear Owner's Pet:

For the love of Hastur, if you want to apply vinyl lettering to a six-foot window, do NOT stand on a computer case balanced on the window ledge. Modern tower cases were never designed to support the weight of any person. Better yet, just let me do it.

[erasily_ani]

Dear BookstoreEscapee,

Thank you for the letter to the baby. S/he listened to you. Won't listen to ME, but listened to you.

I should get your number and put you on speed dial for when s/he won't listen to me once s/he is born. Maybe it'll work then too.

So thanks. I feel much better today.

[draftermatt]

Dear HOA President,

It's raining. You haven't cancelled our "walk around and hand out flyers" If you think I'm walking around in the rain tonight then I'll suddenly have to go to New York on business.

Dear Cla**** Bl*** Company,

I call bullshit. You just don't feel like sending me information. The stuff I was asking for from you I keep in a drawer for situations like these. Don't tell me you don't have it. Liars.

Dear Owner of the company I work for,

Die.

[Giggle Goose]

Dear Ungrateful Brats I Played Beer Pong with at FedEx Field last night,

YOU LOST! Get over it! Not only were you lucky enough to get to play on my Dad's beer pong table and getting a chance to play with the best in the "business," but we supplied you with fucking HEINEKEN!

You walked off in a huff without saying "thanks" or anything? You certainly got drunk enough off the beer that we supplied you with.

To the guy in the Campbell jersey: I'm really glad that after the game your girlfriend found out that the girl I played with was the chick you were CHEATING on her with while your son was in the fucking hospital, you fucking moron! I wish the "Cheaters" camera crew could have been there, it would have been a fucking riot.

So even though you're a bunch of sore losers, thanks for the entertainment.

Love,
GG

--------------------------------

Dear Latin American sex dynamo,

Get the fuck over yourself. You're not God's gift to women. Certainly not this one anyway.

I wonder if that little innocent farm-girl pop tart you took up with appreciates how you insult American people on a daily basis and talk about how much better your country is and how you only live here so you can race that car you so blatantly overcompensate with. Just don't blame me when her redneck dad shoots your dumb ass with one of his prized rifles.

xoxo,
Goosey

[blas]

Dear Carrie Underwood:

Your song "Starts With Goodbye" has inspired me to reach deep down and get the balls and bravery to do what I have to do. Who'da thunkit?

[Lioness Blackfire]

Dear Brand-New Undergarment,

You are rainbow-colored, which is awesome. But what am I supposed to wear you under?

Confusedly yours,
Me



Dear Technological-Guyfriend,

It's been over two months since you moved all the way across the country. For the love of god, call me! I'd call you, but I don't know when you're available, whereas I am always available, and you know it. Okay, four months ago you did manage to call me on one of the three nights I actually needed to sleep this year. But those are all over now. Call me!

Love love,
your Spiritual-Ladyfriend



Dear Washing Machine,

FUNCTION!!

That is all.



Dear Mom,

My voice =/= professional male announcer's voice.
Also, those eggs were not pink.

,
Your Daughter