Dear....

[Princess-Snake]

Dear Stomach,
I know you are upset right now, but please, no more of this upchucking business, alright? It burns my throat, tastes nasty, and leaves you hurting more than ever. So let's not go through that again today.

Love,
Your food provider. (and don't you forget it)

Dear IV line,
What did I tell you in my last letter to you? You had better not be infected. There are plenty of alcohol vats around here somewhere.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Thermometer,
What in the hell is wrong with you? I'm shaking, I've got a headache, I just threw up my rice krispies. And, let me remind you that just moments before I lost my breakfast, I was relaxing in a steaming hot bath. Yet, you claim my temperature is 98.3! Do you not see a problem here? One of us is wrong and it's not me.

Frusterated,
Me

Dear IV bacteria/virus/fungus,
Fuck you with something hard and sand-papery! Betch!

Angrily,
Your relunctant host

Dear Blood sample,
What the hell did you have to clot for?! How am I supposed to know what's wrong with me if they can't test you?! Now I have to draw you all over again tomorrow! It's too late now, I'm on my IV. Damn you!

Irritated,
Me

[Evil Queen]

Dear C,

If you don't leave my friend alone, there will be legal consequences. And I'll be there to give him the moral support that he needs to finally get your fat ass out of his life. I'm a mean one, but the cruel thing is I do it legally. Whereas you can't do more then threaten. I am sick of your little games and I will end them. And, when you are finally burning in the nth dimension of hell, I will be there with Satan himself. Laughing at you.

I hope your shallow, sheltered, pathetic life is worth the hell you put my friend though. Because Karma's a bitch and so am I.

-EQ

[ShinyGreenApple]

Dear Department of Corrections,

Even though you decided not to hire me, I have to thank you for one of the most pleasantly efficient interview processes I have ever been through. You gave me three days' notice for my interview instead of calling a day or mere hours ahead, like some have done to me before. I also appreciate the fact that you let me know in no less than 24 hours what your decision was, and not stringing me along on false hope when you had no intentions of hiring me, again, like some have done. Thanks for having a no-nonsense system and not beating around the bush. Maybe we'll meet again someday, and maybe we won't, but thanks nonetheless!

Dear Sawyer the baby horse,

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE!

[blas]

Dear HIM,

Come to America more often!!!

[ShinyGreenApple]

Dear Dad,

It's twenty till eleven at night. You are in a 2 acre pasture with NO flashlight, and I told you that horse won't let you near her. She's in mama bear mode right now. Why the hell are you traipsing around out there whistling at her and saying "Want an alfalfa cube? Here, here, here's some alfalfa, come on girl come on, come on, don't be that way, here's some alfalfa" over, and over, and over, and . . . ugh. She doesn't want the damn hay cubes. She is going to run you the fuck over.

[karath]

Dear throat,

It's been over a week. The only way I can eat is if I take painkillers every four hours. The doctors say I just need to drink fluids, so why the hell are the 20 bottles of water I'm drinking a day not doing anything!?

Sincerely,
Your host.

Dear Stephanies:

You love each other. I know you do, because I've been there for all the drama you had LAST semester, when you (quite unintentionally) cut the ol' heartstrings when you told me you were dating. I've lost track of how many times you've broken up. I can't talk to Steph1's family because of you guys now, now I'm Steph2's "boyfriend" because you won't come out of the closet (ok, with your folks I can't really blame you, but still!), AND the only way you two can talk to each other (because you can't find better ways of communication than texting me and having me text your soulmate)? God dammit, girls, I'm only human! I was not expecting to have this much damn drama before I got my first girlfriend! PLEASE, for the love of all that's good and holy, settle this situation before I go craz....erm. Do something we'll all regret. I want no part of this anymore.

Love,
Stephen.

p.s. - Steph2, you KNOW I don't like Matt. I know YOU don't like him that much. Keep his sorry ass away from me or I WILL break his face the next time we meet. Being around you guys is frustrating enough without all the gay jokes you insist on making when we're in the same area.

Dear calendar,

Why aren't you July 15th yet? You gave me Iron Man, we need The Dark Knight NOW!

Sincerely,
An impatient comic geek.

Dear Emmanuel,

Keep your fucking hands off of my sister or her violence-prone, black belt brothers will tear them off of you and shove them up your ass.

Love,
Protective Brother.

[Andara Bledin]

Dear Daisy,

Just because you have a child with a guy does not mean you're stuck with him.

Please, for the sake of the kid, if ends up not working out, don't stay with the guy. And don't stay with the guy for the sake of the kid, because unless you're both incredibly mature, it can't possibly work out, and trapping the kid in the middle of all that is just not right.

Wishing You Well,

Andara

***

Dear Retailworkhorse,

Sasuke is a whiny, self-involved twit.

Love,

a Shikamaru fan

p.s. he's not very cute, either.

***

Dear Karath,

You do see the amusement value in the fact that two girls named Stephanie are using a guy named Stephen as their go-between, right?

Amusedly,

Andara

***

Dear Other New Neighbors,

I don't know you yet as they haven't finished fixing up the apartment, yet, after the neighbors moved out (when did that happen?), but please see my last letter to the other new neighbors I haven't met yet on the other side.

With Anticipation,

Andara

***

^-.-^

[PuckishOne]

Speaking of neighbors...

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

I'll cut to the chase here: HOW do two smallish people manage to make so much bloody noise and WHY does it never seem to end? In the year since you arrived, I swear I've heard power tools at 2am, generalized stomping pretty much all the time, and the occasional example-laden lecture on Why Bowling Balls Don't Bounce. Do you wear wooden platform shoes at all times indoors? Are you training for the Olympic exhibition of power jump-roping? Or are you merely inconsiderate assholes who don't give a rat's ass about the people below you? Personally, I'm leaning towards Door #3.

(Oh and, no, sleeping with the pillows over my head doesn't help. I've tried it.)

If Mr Puck didn't stop me I'd be banging on our ceiling with a hockey stick from time to time in the hopes of shutting you the hell up. You don't answer your door, so the face-to-face treatment won't work, clearly. Hell, the fire alarm went off and you peeked through the blinds but didn't come out. What are you doing in there, anyhow?

Let's make this deal, mmkay? I won't call the cops on you for being suspected criminals if you'll learn that socks and area rugs are your friends. Is that too much to ask?

- Puck

[iradney]

Dear Work IT Guy

It's been over a week now since the office move, and the mail is buggered. I have literally been able to access my mail TWICE this whole week. Twice. Even the GM has sent out an email about how crappy and unreliable it is. Please sort it out. I need to access my mail so I can see WHEN my bloody flight is TOMORROW MORNING.

ARGH
rads

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear Hubs,

You know I'm not feeling well. I think I have caught yours and Kelly's cold. I also have hurty shins. My knees are killing me (and it's not even winter! Why!? Why!!!???) I took a 2 hour nap. I could have slept for the rest of the day. I feel that wiped out. Why do you expect me to me nice and compassionate for you when you're sick, but I get bumpkiss from you?

Sick, sick, sick,
Your Wife

----------------------------------------------

Child,

Just because you run around the house nekkid, doesn't mean I'm giving you a bath. Knock it off right now! I'm not amused you decided to have a full-blown temper tantrum right behind me, on the same chair I'm sitting on and you kicked me in the back for a steady 1-2 minutes.

RAWR,
Your Mother

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear Retailworkhorse,

Sasuke is a whiny, self-involved twit.

Love,

a Shikamaru fan

p.s. he's not very cute, either.

Dear Andara,

You forgot Emo-bitch-boy. But the dynamic between him and Naru is pretty good.

With Pervertedness,

A Jiraiya Fanboy (I need a plushie of Ero Sannin, too!)

[Andara Bledin]

Dear RetailWorkhorse,

Oh, yeah, Jiraiya rocks. I have a Jiraiya wallpaper I use sometimes.

A Fellow Jiraiya Fan

p.s. a Jiraiya plushie would be a must-have

^-.-^

[monolayth]

Dear training,

Please be over soon!

Bored, monolayth

[Evil Queen]

Dear Mailbox Key,

Where the hack are you?! Because you ran away, I haven't been able to check the mail for a week! Come back!

Wants the mail,
-EQ


Dear BF,

I still miss you and have no idea when your plane is supposed to come in today. Please still be all right!

Yours,
-EQ

[protege]

Dear Sally,

What the hell are you on? Seriously, lay off the catnip. Oh, and leave my car magazines alone. I wasn't exactly thrilled to find my just-purchased issue of Classic & Sportscar torn to shreds last night. While we're at it, did you really have to chase Baxter all over the house...and then start crying when he smacked you? I told you he wasn't going to be happy if you took his toy away. Even so, why the hell did you claw up my arm? I was trying to be nice, and wanted to comfort you. You're still a bit nervous about being "home," which I understand. You two had been in the shelter far too long, and yes, I love you both. Settle down, OK?

--Pro