The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Miss Leafkiller,

Medicine Hat is in the province of Alberta in the country of Canada. Canada observes its Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October, with the exception of the maritime provinces. Alberta is not a maritime province. Unfortunately, we will deny your request for a free room because you are unfamiliar with Canadian holidays.

Sincerely,

Regina Redcliff

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Dear SPX Electronics,

A friend of mine told me that your store was a good place to get mice. I went to your store and asked her where the mice were. She told me they were in aisle 5. I go to aisle 5 expecting little gray mammals. Instead, I see these little hard plastic abominations that had the word "mouse" on them. I don't know who this Logitech guy is, but that thing is not a mouse.

I demand that you give me enough money to buy me a furry little gray rodent. I also demand where I can actually buy a real mouse.

Sincerely,

Peta Luddite

[Kristev]

Dear Peta Luddite,

We are very proud of our mouse selection here, but clearly there was a misunderstanding. While we sell Logitech, which is a brand of mice for computers, named because the shape is reminiscent of a mouse and used to help make selections, such as clicking icons to activate the Internet or other programs, or cutting and pasting text in documents.

As for the kind of mice you're talking about, I'd like to go get some, too, and I can tell you where the best place to go is: It's the Pets nobody wants store, on the corner of Copperhead Lane and Scorpion Drive. We can meet and pick up lunch there, seeing as I'm feeling very hungry today . . .

Looking forward to seeing you,

Sincerely,

Ms. Lynx Forty-Eight, real director of SPX Electronics, where we proudly sell electrical devices that are warm and purrfect to nap on.

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Hey Broadway Universe diner!

I went in to your place expecting to see stars at night, and of course to go drink Pina Coladas in your bar. I came in with my I. D. card and my friends, all ten of us. We slipped through because Stepphie, our fast girl who'll sleep with anybody, distracted the bouncer so the other nine of us could get in without him even seeing us.

We ordered our food and our drinks, and then I gave her my mother's credit card to pay. She asked me for my I. D., and I gave it to her, only to have your bartender return asking if any of us were Mrs. Alma Gerr. None of us were, and I mentioned that that was my mother. The bartender then rudely told us that we couldn't use Alma's card to pay, and then she took another look at my I. D.

Suddenly, she threw it away and demanded my friends give up their I. D.'s, too. Then she threw away all of the I. D.'s, and forced us to give her our names so her manager could call our parents.

It was the worst night of my life, and I'm grounded for a year! All my friends are grounded, too! We're using Facebook to talk to each other, since we've been forbidden the use of phones, and we've decided that each of us is entitled to a million dollars and the return of our I. D.'s! Or better yet, the creation of new I. D.'s that'll work much better.

And I want an extra million dollars, because this was all my idea, both the night your bartender ruined, and our demands. If you don't, Stepphie knows the biker gang that likes to tear up buildings. All she has to do is go crying on Duke's shoulder about the horrible way we were treated, and you can kiss Broadway Universe diner goodbye!

Respectlessly yours,

Tina Gerr.

[Tyg3rW01f]

Ms. Gerr
Your first mistake was to sneak in. Then you produced not only falsified identification, but a STOLEN credit card.
Now you demand of us, a legitimate business, enablement of your delinquent activities?

Enjoy your stay in Juvenile Hall; we've notified the police, and your mother, whose card you stole. Yes, the police know who you are as you so stupidly admitted to using social media. Oh, and the "bouncer" your friend distracted was my nephew, a member of the PD... He's how we knew to run your card.

O. W. Ner
Manager, owner Broadway Universe Bar

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Dear Product Supplier,
Why is your toothpaste so nasty?! I mean, it tastes like dog ! While I guess you COULD make it taste like cat , but that's even worse. And WHY do you market your product under the name "Hemorrhoid"?
Signed
I.D. Iot
((I think it was Barg's or A&W that made a commercial for their root beer using a similar script... Enjoy the OBSCURE memories!!))

[sms001]

Disrespectfully,
S. P. Ine
Manager

Loved this name, btw.

[cindybubbles]

Dear Product Supplier,
Why is your toothpaste so nasty?! I mean, it tastes like dog ! While I guess you COULD make it taste like cat , but that's even worse. And WHY do you market your product under the name "Hemorrhoid"?
Signed
I.D. Iot

Dear Mr. I.D. Iot:

That is because the "toothpaste" that you bought was not, in fact, toothpaste. It was our store-brand cream for treating hemorrhoids.

Look for products named "Colgate" or "Crest" the next time you buy toothpaste. We will be happy to show you where they are located, and read out their names to you if you have problems comprehending basic English.

Sincerely,

Product Supplier.

Dear Mr. Bartender:

Why am I not allowed to give wine to my son in your bar? He's TEN YEARS OLD! He's all grown up now, and should be able eat and drink grown-up food, just like he does at home!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ima Badmother

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Badmother,

You must know Tina Gerr.

I cannot thank the Broadway Universe diner enough for forwarding this letter to my office.

You simply cannot give wine to your son because it is against the law. Broadway Universe diner could lose their liquor license to permit it. Ten years old doesn't qualify as a grown-up. You need just over another decade before he can drink wine by the bucket like you seem to drink it. But you may as well go ahead and break out your wine because you'll be getting dinner guests tonight: Ms. Polly Uffisar and Mr. C. P. Ajont. They really wanted to meet you.

By the way, that son of yours is a pure delight and I wouldn't mind a bit babysitting him for the next few years . . .

Sincerely,

Madame Fae Reygrandmummie, owner of Loving Arms child assistance shelter.

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Dear Wondertechk,

Your name should be Blundertechk! I purchased your newest invention last week, The Proble-matic. It promised to radically change my life, so I brought it to work. Oh, it changed my life all right! I've just been fired for gross incompetence, my husband left me, my car won't start, and my bank accounts were all drained by hackers. Plus my car stopped working and my house collapsed, and it's all your fault!



So what if I gave my bank information over the email to a man who asked me for it? He was from the bank, wasn't he? And he never did give me the money he promised to find for me. And so what if I never turned my paperwork in on time at my job and constantly called in? That place was just making me sick. It was your fault that the building my job was in completely collapsed when I turned The Proble-matic on there!

And my husband, running around cheating on me! That's what he was doing, I'm sure of it. All because I had a one-night stand with Doug, and Peter, and Richard, and Michael, and . . .

And so what if I lived in a flood zone and was too busy on a date . . . er, out with my friends when the hurricane came? Your machine caused that hurricane anyway!

And that I refused to ever bring my car to a mechanic again ever since that last mechanic I used dared to charge me a thousand dollars . . .

I demand that you give me a job that I love and can call in as many times as I want while still getting paid, that you bring me a brand new husband - Superman would be nice, that you give me back all the money that was stolen from my bank, all seven-hundred trillion dollars of it. And a new mansion, a new luxury car, and . . . well, my life is ruined. You have to fix it. If you don't, I'll go to your company and turn on The Proble-matic right there and then, and see how you like having your building collapse all around you!

Signed,

Mrs. Neva Myown Faultt.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Faultt,

Our device that we call the Proble-Matic is a weather alert radio that is designed to turn itself on when the National Weather Service issues a severe weather alert. It cannot control the weather.

You say that a hurricane destroyed your house and work place? That's impossible since there have been on two hurricanes this year and neither hit your area. Your area was hit by thunderstorms that produced tornadoes. The Proble-Matic alerted you to those dangerous storms.

As for the other stuff, you admitted that you had spotty attendance and didn't get projects done on time. You admitted that you cheated on your husband. You were probably a victim of a "Nigerian Prince" scam. You also admitted that you don't keep your car properly maintained. What possible way is any of this our fault?

Here are our responses to your demands. We're not hiring, and even if we were, we're not hiring you. Why don't you ask Doug, Peter, Richard, or Michael to marry you? We would love to have $700 trillion in our bank, too, but we don't even have $700,000 right now. We also find it highly unlikely that someone with that much money would be working anywhere. As for the house and car, you might want to contact your insurance agency, though I don't think home owner's insurance covers floods. I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do.

As for turning the Proble-Matic on here, go right ahead.

Sincerely,

Hazel Hugo

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Dear Happy Healthy Ethics Animal Shelter,

I recently adopted a cat from an event at the pet store. When I got home, I noticed that the cat was vibrating. When I asked the clerk working in the cat food aisle what was going on, she said that it was purring and that was normal. Personally, I think she was covering for you because she wanted me to buy a bag of cat food.

I'm taking my cat to a friend of mine who happens to be a veterinarian to see what's wrong with this cat. When she finds out what's wrong with this cat, I am going to make you pay through the nose.

Sincerely,

Jack Russell

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Russell:

Both Dr. Valerie Valentine from the Toronto Animal Hospital and Mr. Hugh Hoffa of the Happy Healthy Ethics Animal Shelter were kind enough to forward this letter to me.

You mentioned that your cat was vibrating while you got home. What you neglected to say, and what Dr. Valentine noticed, was that a vibrator from a sex toy shop was found in the anus of said cat.

The good news is that when Dr. Valentine notified Mr. Hoffa of the incident, he fired the clerk who told you that it was just normal purring. The bad news is this: Putting anything in the anus other than medication prescribed for any related problem is animal abuse. Put another way, you will see yourself in some shiny metal bracelets and a new orange one-piece in the near future.

Mr. Hoffa has notified me that we will be taking your cat back, and is now considering adopting her himself.

Sincerely,

Davis Davisville, Toronto Animal Control Officer

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Dear Mr. Bouncer:

Why did you kick us out like that? We didn't even get in! My friend and I are 19 years old! NINETEEN! That's legal age in Ontario, did you know that? We even had legal ID this time, and we weren't acting drunk or anything like that! So why the hassle? Just because we're Canadians vacationing in California? I ought to sue you for discrimination!

Sincerely,

Ms. Ishould B. Legal-Everywhere

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mr.Russell

The vibrating you refer to is the normal purring of a satisfied cat.At least it was satisfied until you got your mitts on.A cat is not an electronic device.If noises start emitting from it,it does not need to have its insides examined and fumbled about with to discover the cause.As a result,the RSPCA have now been called to remove the cat,which is in deep psychological and physical trauma.You are I believe also to be banned from keeping any sort of animal in the future.
I heartily support this decision as if you feel the need to dismember an animal to determine what is wrong with it,you should not be allowed anywhere any sort of creature.Can you imagine your reaction if we decided to shove a hand up your wazoo and pull out the bits inside,just because you were making a slightly odd sound?

Yours,Herb Blanchflower,Manager,Happy Healthy(at least until you got near the place)Ethics Animal Shelter.

************************************************** ************
The Manager
XXX TV
Box 69
Intercourse,PA

Dear Sir,
I wanted something pleasant and wholesome for my children to watch.As they are both keen animal lover,I thought your 'Fun and Games With Pussy' program would be a suitably enjoyable program.They are both particularly keen on cats and some lovable laughs with cute kitties would have been perfect.What was shown however was a catalogue of filth and depravity that has now corrupted their innocent little minds,to say nothing of the injuries that must have occurred from some of the action shown-much of which I myself could not even believe to be physically possible.How dare you bombard our sweet innocent children's beautiful minds with this sort of profanity!!If I am not compensated for this with a full page apology and the sum of £250,000,I shall cry to my God to smite you for your wicked ways.He is very vengeful,especially with the lewd and the fornicators,who shall be thrown into Hell.Perhaps when you are being roasted in eternal damnation, you can contemplate the millstone you have cast around the necks of these innocents.
Yours in love,
Mrs B.Bellebasher

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Legal-Everywhere,

I apologize for not being able to let you into our club. However, we were at our legal capacity that night. If we had let you in at that time, we would have been violating California law.

Our apologies,

Clubber Rambo

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Dear Mrs. Bellebasher,

On our website you had to look to find the movie, "Fun and Games with Pussy," you would have found pictures of the movie box both front and back. The first thing that you would find is that it has pictures of naked women, but no cats. I would suggest contacting the Felix Sylvester Video Company for videos of cats and kittens. I would also suggest installing Net Nanny on your computer so you won't come across our website by accident again.

We will not pay you $404,000 for not reading the movie description.

Sincerely,

Hugh Francis, XXX TV

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Dear Motorhead Repair Shop,

I took my car in last week to have the mandatory inspection on my truck. After about 20 minutes, the mechanic handed me a screwdriver saying that he found it in the bumper. He also said that I needed to replace the windshield wipers or my truck would fail inspection. Since I can't have the registration renewed without passing inspection, I agreed to changing the wipers. I didn't think they were streaking that badly. When I received the inspection invoice, I noticed that they skipped the unleaded fuel systems checks. When I asked about that, the mechanic told me that they weren't needed since my truck ran on diesel fuel.

I demand that you refund me the money for the wiper blades. If I'm not able to renew the registration on my truck, I will burn your shop to the ground.

Sincerely,

Ess Yuvee

[Kristev]

Out of game: I think someone got skipped.

[catcul]

Out of game: I think someone got skipped.

I fixed it for you.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Yuvee,

You don't need unleaded gas if your car runs on diesel fuel. Also, we aren't responsible for paying for your wipers and we sent a copy of your letter to the police because of your threat.

Sincerely,

V. Olkeswagon
Car Dealership Owner



Dear Mall Manager,

I went into a room with sinks and a large mirror so I could do my hair and makeup. When I was in the room, I ended up smelling something really bad. I was so offended by the smell that I gathered my belongings and quickly left. I demand you post a sign forbidding bad smells in that room or I will go to the center of the food court and scream at the top of my lungs.

Sincerely,

P. R. Incess

[Kit-Ginevra]

[out of game-I think I might be to blame as me and cindybubbles posted identically to each other-well within 20 seconds or so.Oops :P]

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Incess,

That room with the huge mirror and sinks is what we call the Ladies' Restroom. We have hired janitors who keep both restrooms clean and reasonably sweet smelling. However, ladies poop in our bathroom and completely stink up the place despite our best efforts. If you do scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of our food court, we will ban you from stepping into our mall.

Sincerely,

James C. Belk, Charlotte Winston Shopping Centre

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Dear Argabarga Towing Company,

How dare you tow my car off in the middle of the night? I contacted the police and they told me that you were holding my car. They muttered something about blocking someone's driveway. You just happened to be called because some stupid slut claimed he couldn't get his wide car out of his driveway? I'll have you know that my tax information was on the front seat.

I demand that you release my car immediately. If I become a victim of identity theft, I will come down to your impound yard and burn all of your tow trucks.

Sincerely,

Joey Graceffa

[This is a parody protected by the First Amendment of the US.]