The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Drinker,

This letter is a courtesy; we have reported you to the local police, who know exactly where you are. We will be seeing one another in court.

Sincerely,
Big Box Grocery Management

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Bigbox Pizza,

Sirs. I write to complain about your store here in Weedville. I had enjoyed my third ciggie, and needed sustenance, but your store was closed!! I demand you adjust their hours immediately to ensure my food cravings are met.

Signed,
Mary-Jane Smoker

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Smoker,

We had to adjust our hours due to lack of staff. However, the convenience store sells frozen pizza and they’re open 24/7.

Sincerely,

O. V. Erwhelmed,
Manager



Dear Outdoor Restaurant Manager,

I came to your restaurant with my new boyfriend. I wanted to impress him so I ordered the most expensive items on the menu. When the bill came, I put an old credit card that had expired on the table and took off with my boyfriend. Next thing I know, I was being arrested and my boyfriend dumped me. I demand you drop the charges and tell my boyfriend to undump me. If you don’t, I will drive my car into all of your tables.

Sincerely,

Dina Dash

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Dash,

Leaving without paying is not a good way to impress someone. Enclosed is the bill that you need to pay. Your ex-boyfriend also filed a restraining order against you. Also, your threat to destroy our tables with your car has been forwarded to the police.

Sincerely,

O. Utdoors
Manager



Dear Courthouse Judge,

I was on my cellphone in my car taking care of a business deal when this man had the nerve to honk at me. Because of him, I lost the deal. I demand you make him pay $1200 ($800 for the deal I lost and $400 for humiliating me in traffic). If you don't, I will come into the courtroom and set it on fire.

Sincerely,
Megan A. Bigdeal

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Bigdeal,

That man that honked at you was trying to get you to pay attention to the road. Therefore, we will not accept your suit and you have been charged with threatening the courthouse so the police will be arresting you soon.

Sincerely,

C. Ourtjudge



Dear Restaurant Owner,

I called out with a cold so I could make out with my girlfriend on the beach. After that, I decided to take my girlfriend to lunch at the restaurant I work at. When I got there, I was fired and my girlfriend dumped me. I demand my job back and for you to tell my girlfriend to undump me or I will release an army of mice into the restaurant.

Sincerely,

Lyon Worker

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Lyon,

We need workers that work when they're scheduled. We understand if sickness or emergencies come up, but we don't like being lied to. You admitted that you went to the beach when you said you were sick.

While we can't do anything about your girlfriend, if you try to release those mice in our restaurant, we will have you prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Sincerely,

Gordon Chappie
Owner of Gordon's Seafood

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Dear Law & Order Channel,

I saw that compilation of women shouting how they're not going to comply with the mask mandate.

I know what you're up to. You're trying to get young women into lewd behavior by suggesting that women wear masks and get into bondage. You want women to have their hands cuffed behind their backs, have inflatable gags stuffed into their mouths, and being handled by strong men and women. I'll bet you want them to hear, "More screaming means more pumps." You've been working with those perverts in the Rection family.

My husband, Pare A. Noid, will expose your plan. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Aryu Anne Noid

P.S.: I'll bet you want to see Dr. Z strap me to a bed and tell me that I'm a bad girl, don't you?

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Noid

The mask mandate involves wearing masks like the ones you see at the doctor's office and hospitals. If you don't comply, you will have to deal with the consequences.

Sincerely,

Law & Order Channel



Dear Child Protection Services,

My mother won't let me go to the prom this year because it costs a lot of money. I told my mother that I have a job and offered to pay for everything and she told me that I need to save all of my money for college. I demand you send the police and have my mother arrested for child abuse. If you don't, I'll go live with my boyfriend's family and get my own room there.

Sincerely,

Wanda Gotoprom

[catcul]

Dear Wanda,

Our records show that you are currently over 18. Therefore, you are no longer our responsibility. Even if you were, we see no evidence of abuse.

Sincerely,

Linda Johnson

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Dear DMV,

I was driving down the highway when I saw it. I noticed that a car was driving with a standard issue license plate that started with the letters, "KAA.". When I called you, you said that those were just random letters.

I know what you're up to. You're signaling your support to your Lord and Master, Kaa the Soulless, loyal and faithful servant to the Adversary himself. He is the puppet master that has been pulling the strings of our government. I will expose your connection. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Noid,

The comment about the random letters was correct. However, we await our day of reckoning.

Sincerely,

D. River
DMV Manager



Dear Toy Store Manager,

With Mary Christmas-Freak in custody, I decided to take it upon myself to bring Christmas cheer to as many families as possible. I loaded a cart with toys and games and walked out of the store with the cart without paying. I took the gifts to random houses and put them at the front door after wrapping them with wrapping paper that I swiped from the gift shop. All I was doing was spreading Christmas cheer so you had no right to call the police whom I luckily escaped from. I demand you allow me to take all I want from now on and let me get away with it. If you don't, I'll tell Mary Christmas-Freak that you don't know the meaning of giving and have no Christmas spirit.

Sincerely,

Christy Masthief

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Masthief,

What you did was called stealing. That's what happens when you take something you haven't paid for that wasn't given to you by someone else in the store or paid for on your behalf by someone else. As for the police, you may well have gotten away with them, but as I have a camera that takes pictures of everyone in this store upon entering, you're already doomed. Now that I know your actual name, you want Christmas spirits? Then you shall have them, for I am a master magician. By tomorrow morning, the Christmas spirits will be upon you and ruin your life so badly that the only way you'll be able to get rid of them is to turn yourself in to the police. Happy No Year.

Signed,

Ms. Solstice Yule,
Owner of The Spirit of the Holidays boutique.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _

Dear Public Library,

I am utterly livid that you allow the homeless to enter your building. Worse, you not only let them congregate at tables and chairs, use the computers, use the bathroom, and go around touching books, your librarian let one of them walk out of the library with a stack of books without paying for them! He's a thief and he needs to be arrested!

But when I made a scene and tried to stop him. He looked back at me, shook his head, and walked right out the door with his stolen books, so I tripped him and grabbed him. Then some jerk in a uniform grabbed me and pulled me off of the homeless person! And the librarian took his side when she got over to us! I want her fired! How dare she support some creep in a uniform who manhandles me, let alone support a homeless thief?

She told me that the homeless woman using the computer was looking for work, while a homeless man using a computer was trying to get information about a cheaper city to live in now that he had gotten disability so that he could actually afford to rent a place. The other homeless woman was using a laptop - her own laptop that she had before her parents kicked her out for being LGBTQ, at a table alone. Apparently, all she was doing was listening to music with headphones in the library to avoid the rain. And the homeless man who stole the library books needed them for class. Your librarian said he's a college student trying to get his degree so he can actually get a job that might pay enough to cover rent and groceries. Whoever heard of such a thing?

I want them all thrown out of the library! It's bad enough my tax dollars go to pay for the library to be used by grubby little children and their mediocre parents. Do I really have to put up with the homeless, too? I might touch a book one of them touched! Use a computer one of them used! End up sharing a bathroom! Can't you all just arrest them for vagrancy or something? Get rid of them at once, or I'll set fire to every book in your library and make it look like one of them did it. That'll get rid of them. If you don't, I'll sue you for ten million dollars and have the library declared exclusively for me and my friends.

Signed,

Mr. Rich Snobb the third.

OOC: I didn't know this game had survived.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Snobb,

This is a free library which means the books don't have to be paid for. Also, anyone is welcome as long as they don't cause a disturbance.

Sincerely,

L. I. Berian
Manager



Dear Surgery Manager,

I tried to schedule surgery to get my nose fixed so I couldn't smell anything anymore and your rude surgeon refused to schedule me. He even told me that I should be grateful that I can smell. I was offended by that since I work as a plumber and have to deal with bad smells all the time. I want this rude surgeon fired and my surgery done for free or I will release an army of roaches inside the building.

Sincerely,

Ida Wanda Smell

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Smell,

We only fix parts of people that are broken and I would suggest another job that you can tolerate. However, you might get fined due to your threat.

Sincerely,

O. Peration
Surgery Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off having the police arrest me? Thanks to this plastic bag ban, I had to walk out of the store with my cart of groceries without paying. I demand you bring back plastic bags at once. If you don't, I will continue to take items from your store without paying for them.

Sincerely,

S. H. Oplifter

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Oplifter,

We don't like thieves. For a month, we were offering up to four reusable bags for free to all customers. We only needed to put a stripe across the bar code with our blue permanent markers for the four bags taken. So you have no excuse. That you refused our bags doesn't mean you get to steal, or can you steal because you disagree with the state government's new anti-bag laws.

Now that you've threatened to steal again, we will be hiring security forces. They won't be concerned with your rights, but with defending our property . . .

Signed,

Mrs. Stern,

Owner of Fairprice Markets.

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Dear Gagg Gifts and Novelties,

I went into your shop to find a good gift for my sister. She's so upright and honest that she needed a good shock to bring her back down to earth. And in your shop, I found your new product, the Pack of Lies. It was a fun deck of playing cards, but every card had a lie on it. I couldn't resist, so I bought them, after switching tags to get a discount on the price. Your employee didn't notice when they rung me up, because your manager was screaming at her for not taking out the trash, then slapped her because she reminded him that he told her not to yet. So I got my cards at a very cheap price, and got the fun of seeing a cashier destroyed.

But when I gave my sister the cards as her present, she wasn't pleased. Then she opened the deck and read some of the lies, and asked me what I thought I was doing. So I told her the whole story, from my sister being uptight to my switching price tags to the manager and the cashier . . . and suddenly, she goes to the phone and calls the corporate office, reporting about an employee being slapped.

Then she threw me out of her house, saying I had been totally dishonorable and wouldn't have her kids around that. So when I went to bring the cards back, I was told by that same cashier that I could only get the money I paid for the cards, not the full price for the deck. She also said that it was easy to prove I'd switched the price tags because of the low amount I paid on the receipt. When I demanded the manager, a manager came, but it was a different one. He looked at me with total disgust. I was told to leave the store.

Then security threw me out. How dare she still have a job and not that manager? Give me a million dollars in compensation, and I'll let the matter drop. If you don't, I'm going to set fire to your store, and that disgusting cashier.

Signed,

Mr. Schee Mherr.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Mherr,

The management of Gagg Gifts and Novelties has forwarded this letter to my office. I must thank you for making our jobs easier. Not only have you admitted to shoplifting, you have put threats of property damage and bodily harm in an email with your IP address. I'll see that you get a nice comfy prison cell for years to come.

Sincerely,

Bill Friday
District Attorney

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Dear Stargazers, Inc.,

I heard that we were going to observe a new moon tonight. I was so excited that I was going to see a new moon tonight. I stayed up all night waiting for this new moon to show up. Imagine my disappointment when the only thing that came up was the Sun. I demand why you lied to us about getting a new moon. I blame you for wasting a good night's sleep for your pack of lies.

Sincerely,

Selene Pouthena

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Pouthena,

A new moon can't be seen since it doesn't display light. Therefore, we didn't lie so you get nothing.

S. Tarlight
Manager



Dear Makeup Store Manager,

I dropped my 16 year old granddaughter off at your store and was very offended when she came out with a couple police officers in handcuffs. When I asked what was going on, your rude employee that came out with my granddaughter and the police told me that my granddaughter was smoking in the store and that she shoplifted some lipstick, blush and mascara.

I gave my granddaughter permission to smoke in the store. She also called me to tell me that she forgot her wallet so I told her that the items she wanted were free.

I have never told my granddaughter no since her mother (my daughter) does it all the time. I demand you drop the charges or I will give my granddaughter permission to drive my car into your store even though she doesn't have a driver's license.

Sincerely,

Wanda Spoilmygranddaughter

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Spoilmygrandaughter,

What your granddaughter did was illegal so we won’t drop the charges. We also told the police about your threat.

Sincerely,

F. Irmhand
Manager



Dear Office Manager,

My teenage daughter got a job at your office because I told her that she should be paid to talk on the phone since she’s on her phone all the time. However, I found out that she had to talk to strangers on the phone, type up papers, make copies, put papers in folders and put the folders in a drawer.

I demand you allow my daughter to only talk with her friends and family on the phone while she’s at work. If you don’t, I’ll post on social media that you make my daughter work and talk to strangers.

Sincerely,

Helen Copterparent