Dear Ms. Perspirant,
I apologize that the pizza delivery man that we sent to your address last Friday looked like he was on the verge of heatstroke. However, like you said, it was 115°F. We had to dump water on our delivery drivers every time they arrived at our kitchen. You have no need to worry since they rinsed themselves off where we keep the mops and cleaning chemicals. They did nothing unsanitary.
Also, the packs we put the pizzas protect your pizza from any water including rain and perspiration. Your request is denied.
Sincerely,
Dante Alighieri
Mario & Luigi Mushroom Kingdom Pizza
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Dear football team,
I was watching your game last weekend because I bet $6,000 on your team. You had the line of -5. If your team had won by more than 5 points, I would win $6,000, but if you won by less than 5, tied, or lost, I would lose $6,000.
Near the end of the game, your opponent called time out with 7 seconds left on the clock after your team failed to get a first down on a third down play. You were winning 30-24. When it was time for your team to punt the ball away, your idiot punter tucks the ball away and runs towards his own end zone and stands there waiting for those 7 seconds to tick away. When the other team finally caught up to him, he stepped out of bounds resulting in a safety. Your team won 30-26 while I lost $6,000.
I demand you give me $12,000: $6,000 for my original bet, plus $6,000 for the money I would have won if your idiot punter wasn't such an idiot. I also demand you cut the idiot punter, and fire the head coach, the offensive coordinator, the special teams coach, and your general manager.
Sincerely,
Marcus Leaf
I apologize that the pizza delivery man that we sent to your address last Friday looked like he was on the verge of heatstroke. However, like you said, it was 115°F. We had to dump water on our delivery drivers every time they arrived at our kitchen. You have no need to worry since they rinsed themselves off where we keep the mops and cleaning chemicals. They did nothing unsanitary.
Also, the packs we put the pizzas protect your pizza from any water including rain and perspiration. Your request is denied.
Sincerely,
Dante Alighieri
Mario & Luigi Mushroom Kingdom Pizza
----------
----------
Dear football team,
I was watching your game last weekend because I bet $6,000 on your team. You had the line of -5. If your team had won by more than 5 points, I would win $6,000, but if you won by less than 5, tied, or lost, I would lose $6,000.
Near the end of the game, your opponent called time out with 7 seconds left on the clock after your team failed to get a first down on a third down play. You were winning 30-24. When it was time for your team to punt the ball away, your idiot punter tucks the ball away and runs towards his own end zone and stands there waiting for those 7 seconds to tick away. When the other team finally caught up to him, he stepped out of bounds resulting in a safety. Your team won 30-26 while I lost $6,000.
I demand you give me $12,000: $6,000 for my original bet, plus $6,000 for the money I would have won if your idiot punter wasn't such an idiot. I also demand you cut the idiot punter, and fire the head coach, the offensive coordinator, the special teams coach, and your general manager.
Sincerely,
Marcus Leaf
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