The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Miss Okendaughter,

I'm sorry that your parents' divorce has such an effect on you. Unfortunately, your father caught your mother in bed with another man and recorded it. From what I've seen from the video, your parents may have had prior issues. Unfortunately, I cannot and will not reverse my decision. However, I will recommend counseling for you so you can adjust to your parents' divorce. Please don't skip school.

Sincerely,

Judge Robert Banks

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Dear Twin Elms Animal Shelter,

My girlfriend has two Singapuras. Six months ago, I decided that I wanted a cat of my own, so I adopted a kitten from your shelter. Now, this cat is a gigantic fluff ball. When I asked your staff about it, they said that they think my cat is a Maine Coon. That kitty intimidates my girlfriend and visitors to my house. He is a friendly cat, but would it have killed you to warn me about how big this cat would have been?

I want you to tell me how I can prevent my cat from accidentally killing my girlfriend's cat. I also want to know how I can introduce my cat to my friends without intimidating them.

Sincerely,

Felix Lybica

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Lybica,

We did inform you that this was a Maine Coon, as well as what that meant. I pulled the records and you were given a copy of the breed data sheet. I have seen this tragic story I can't tell you how many times. People love a little cute kitten, but when the kitten becomes a cat, they don't love it anymore. It just breaks my heart how treacherous humans are.

As for protecting your girlfriend's cat, I suggest letting the cats rule separate areas of your home, protected by dividers, gradually moving the dividers together. Move their food and water dishes closer, as well. Over time, your cats will come to know and accept each other to the point where the dividers can be removed. You can also trim and groom your kitty so it will look beautiful instead of monstrous.

Please, put the best interest of the cat first. It deserves it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ia Dorecats, director of Twin Elms Animal Shelter.

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Dear Piranha pet food company,

I had spent all of my money on my girlfriend, taking her out for an expensive dinner, buying her diamond rings and furs, and whatnot, when my useless ex-wife, Ms. Izmelda Koffy Enleftim dumped our three on me. She said something about it being my week for custody. She wasn't happy about giving them to me, and neither was I about getting them, but the judge said I get the kids one week a month.

I couldn't afford to buy them anything to eat, and since my girlfriend said she caught my youngest son acting like a dog, and couldn't get him to stop, I bought a great big bag of dog food and gave that to my boys. At first they wouldn't eat it, but after two days, they broke and ate it up like good puppies.

Well, imagine my surprise when all three of my children get sick the next day. I was sure they were faking, so I made them clean up my house, and told them they couldn't have any food until the house was spic and span. But when my back is turned, one of the boys steals my cell phone, goes outside, and calls my ex-wife.

She shows up at my door an hour later, and she is furious! Not only does she take the kids away from me, but she slaps me in the face and tells me she's going to the judge, but first she's going to the hospital with the boys.

Now Izmedla is suing me for their medical bills, as well as seeking sole-custody with no custody allowed. That's not fair! I love my boys. So since it was your dog food that made my boys so sick, I demand that you pay all the legal and medical fees for me, as well as give me ten million dollars so I can convince the judge that I should gain full custody of my sons, give me free dog food for life, and that you do something terrible against my vindictive ex-wife! That'll teach her!

Signed,

Mr. N. O. Goodlouse.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Goodlouse,

I don't know why you thought it was acceptable to give your sons dog food. It was formulated for a dog's nutritional needs. If a person eats dog food, they can get sick. I told you that your youngest son son was acting like a dog because I was concerned about his behavior. From what you told me, I was absolutely justified in being concerned about your boys. You also admitted that you were being financially irresponsible, too.

As for your demands, you will get no money for your medical bills or your legal bills. You will get $0 extra money. As for our relationship, it's over. I'm going to help your ex-wife get full custody since you don't love your children.

Your now ex-girlfriend,

Stacy Canis, CFO, Piranha Pet Food Company

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Dear Selene's Diner,

My buddies and me decided to streak in your restaurant. We wasn't harmin nobody. After we was finished streakin, we found that our car was missin. We had to run away to hide from the cops. Did I mention it was only 20°F? When the cops found us, they took us to the hospital muttering "hypothermia." We would have gotten away if you didn't let car thiefs hang around in your parking lot.

I demand that you pay for our stolen car and our medical bills.

Sincerely,

Mon Kedik

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Kedik,

There has been a car thief on the loose and what you and your friends did was considered indecent exposure. Therefore, you won't be getting anything except charged with indecent exposure.

Sincerely,

Selene Meals
Owner



Dear Power Company Manager,

Where do you get off telling me that I have to wait for my power to be restored? I am a very important customer so by law you are required to restore my power the second it goes out. I demand free service for 4 months to make up for this and half off my bill for the rest of the year. If you don't do what I want, I will hack into your system and restore my power myself and then locate your house and shut off your power to see how you like being without power.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Powerful

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Powerful,

We apologize for not restoring your power more quickly. A teenager snuck into the sub station and came to a rather unfortunate end. When our workers found the body, they called police. The workers could not work on the problem until the police and coroner removed the body and any evidence from our sub station. As I'm typing this, the police have wrapped up at the scene, so our workers can begin to restore power. It should take an hour since the sub station is across the street from our main storage facility.

As for you demand, we expect full payment every month. You agreement stated that you accepted interruption of service due to situations beyond our control. As for turning off our power, don't bother. My house was affected, too.

Sincerely,

Duke Power

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Dear CVS Pharmacy,

Why have you stopped selling tobacco? Every time I pick up playing cards from your store, I smelled the tobacco. That smell always gave me a wonderful feeling every time I bought a deck of playing cards. Now, I won't have that feeling anymore. That really makes me depressed.

I demand that you bring back the tobacco, or at least leave a bag near the playing cards so I can have that feeling again. Also, I need a refill on my Wellbutrin.

Sincerely,

Melony Pitch-Black

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Pitch-Black,

We have been ordered by corporate to stop selling tobacco due to complaints so you'll need to go to a tobacco store if you want to sell tobacco. However, we'll take care of your refill.

Sincerely,

M. Ed Icine
Pharmacist



Dear Liquor Store Manager,

My 12 year old son got into my liquor cabinet and ended up drinking a full bottle of red wine. He had to be rushed to the hospital and he died when he got there. It's your fault that my son is dead since no one told me that I had to lock my liquor cabinet and that drinking a full bottle of wine is dangerous. I demand free wine for life and for you to pay for my son's funeral or I will come to your store and smash all of your wines.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Irresponsible

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Irresponsible,

All of our bottles of alcohol have warnings on the side. You broke the law by letting your son have a bottle of alcohol. You could not say that you were not warned. Your request is denied. If you come to our store and smash our wines, you will be arrested and be forced to pay for the damage.

Sincerely,

Jack Daniel, ABC Store

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Dear Clerk of Courts,

My son recently got married. How dare you let him change his last name? I don't understand why he would let his new wife make him change his last name. I demand that you make him change his last name and divorce that harpy. The last name of Johnson is really dry and flavorless. If you don't, I will sue the state for everything it's worth.

Sincerely,

Edward Roach

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Roach,

If your son is eighteen years of age, or older, who he marries and what name he wishes to go by is none of your business. Though personally, I can certainly understand why he'd rather go by Mr. Johnson than Mr. Roach.

And if you think we're going to tell G-Girl that she has to divorce your son just because you disapprove . . . so sorry, but we'd rather not have her break our everything. But she'll probably be quite inclined to step on you.

OOC: Jenny Johnson, aka G-Girl, was the rather crazy superhero in "My Super Ex-Girlfriend."

Yours truly,

Terri Fied, clerk of courts.


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Dear Misty Ghurru's Center for meditation and spiritual development,

I went to your business due to a flyer that was distrubuted all over the place, including on our car. Your pamphet described a place that was peaceful and calm, where one could learn greater emotional control and how to relax the mind. So, we decided to go.

However, when I get there, I find that the place is full of sheeple who just do what you say and never challenge you. For one thing, your instructors practice evil, satanic things such as yoga and transcendental meditation! Do you know how spiritually wrong such things are?

Your instructor had the nerve to first tell me to calm down because I was interfering in everyone else's attempts to find peace, and then when I wouldn't and tried to warn them all about the evil they were contributing to, he then told me I should give it a try and attempted to teach me how to do what everyone else was doing. But I know what he was really trying! I read "Like lambs to the slaughter" by Johanna Michaelson. He was really trying to put us all under mind control!

I demand that you replace your evil instructors with good Christian ministers who'll teach people the correct way to relieve tensions. And go back to China! Peddle your occultic filth there, in a communist country that has no churches!

If you don't, I have a whole church full of good, strong Christian men who are more than willing to first bring down the heavenly fire against your evil den of iniquity, and then physically capture both you and your teachers, take you back to our church, and stone you! Then send you back to China in a box, complete with Bibles.

Signed,

Rev. Dix Ruptor.

[catcul]

Dear Rev. Ruptor,

If anyone needs relaxation, it's you. Yoga may have its roots in Hinduism, but people of many faiths engage in it. In fact, my husband is a pastor of a nearby church. In fact, his church has said that as long as I don't try to teach Hinduism, everything will be OK.

Do you know what is NOT OK? Threatening other people. We have forward this letter to the police. It looks like you may need to answer for your sins.

Sincerely,

Misty James, Misty Ghurru's Center for Meditation and Spiritual Development

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Dear Gold Star Security,

I decided to break into a local bank and steal the computers. I decided to take off the security cameras so nobody would recognize me. How was I supposed to know that the recording device wasn't in the camera itself? When I was arrested, I found out that you were recording me 500 miles away. That is a dirty trick.

I demand that you make that stupid district attorney drop charges against me. I also demand $1 million for the inconvenience of me going in jail.

Sincerely,

Rob Banks

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Banks,

What you did was a crime. Therefore, the charges will stick and you'll be receiving nothing except prison time.

Sincerely,

G. Uard
Gold Star Security Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was being checked out by one of your employees. Before she finished my order, she suddenly started gasping for breath and coughing. Her supervisor had the nerve to excuse her and take over when he should've made her finish my order. I want the supervisor and employee fired for being rude to me and a $400 gift card to make up for the inconvenience, or I will grab a soda from the fridge, drink it, and not pay for it.

Sincerely,

Ann Titled

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Titled,

That employee has a condition known as Asthma. It can strike her at any time. Since the supervisor finished your transaction, he was just doing his job. I will not fire either person or give you a gift card. If you grab a soda without paying for it, we will have you arrested.

Sincerely,

Elmer Gallimore, Gallon Foods

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Dear Twin Oaks Hotel,

I stayed at your hotel and saw a distressing site. You had all of these people wandering around your lobby dressed in funny clothes. I saw one guy dressed like a bat. I saw a girl dressed in what looks like a slutty sailor uniform. When I complained to the girl at the counter, she said that they were harmless and cosplayers. Is that some sort of cult? As I was complaining, this guy, I think he was a guy, walks up wearing a green dress and carrying a sword and shield. He said that they were just having fun and that his shield and sword were just cardboard. Yeah, right. First, he's carrying weapons, and then he's going to break into your house and smash the pottery looking for money.

I demand that you refund my money and give me $5,000 in free nights.

Sincerely,

Zelda Fitz

[Sunsetsky]

Dear Ms. Fitz,

We are having a hard time believing your story because everyone knows that Link doesn't speak. We will be suing you for attempted extortion and libel. You'll be hearing from our lawyers soon.

Sincerely,
Saria Kokiri

************************************************** *********

Dear Sushi Palace,

I am truly disgusted with how your restaurant is. I had been highly recommended to give you guys a try because you were supposed to be delicious. I ordered one of your sushi platter samplers and was appalled to find that the fish was RAW. I tried to send it back to be cooked (as it should have been!) and I was informed that sushi was supposed to be raw. I managed to choke down your food and ended up getting sick once I got home because it wasn't cooked. Thank goodness that I am feeling better, but I obviously had food poisoning because of you. I demand that you send me $100,00 for my pain and suffering!

Don Likfisch

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Likfisch,

Sushi is supposed to be eaten raw. We make sure that our fish is deep frozen before we thaw and serve it. Deep freezing is just as effective in killing parasites as cooking. We believe why you might have gotten sick is because of the wasabi. Wasabi can cause nausea to people who are not use to it. Since it was the first time you ate sushi, that might be the case.

We are sending you coupons so you can try our chicken teriyaki. We fully cook our chicken.

Sincerely,

Tanaka Ami, Tanaka Japanese Restaurant

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Dear Wilson Fiberglass,

I decided to buy some of your product. I cut some out and laid it out on my bed. My girlfriend decided that the pink color of your fiberglass was pretty. She was starting to get turned on, so we decided to get busy. We were rolling around on your product over and over again. After we finished, we both started itching. We found red bumps all over our bodies that really itched. The itching was so bad, we had to go to the hospital. After we were treated, the doctors informed us that your product was to blame for our itching.

I demand that you give me a refund of your defective product. I also demand that you pay our medical bills.

Sincerely,

Ichi Poochie

[NecessaryCatharsis]

Dear Mr. Poochie

I disagree with the doctors diagnosis, our product is not responsible for your itching, your inability to follow instructions combined with your complete lack of common sense is responsible for your itching. Insulation is meant to be put in the wall and ceiling cavities in your house and the packaging clearly states that long sleeves, long pants, masks, and gloves should be worn while using our product. Any demands for payment of your medical bills should be made to the people responsible for your shortcomings, ie. your parents. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Mr. Wilson


Dear Staples,

I recently went to your store to purchase ink, and was troubled and confused by the huge number of choices, I couldn't figure out which type of ink to buy which made me feel stupid. I asked an employee for help and he kept telling me that he couldn't help me without knowing what type of printer I had and that 'grey' was not a type, which was very rude of him. There were so many choices it took me 2 hours to choose the right type of ink. After I made my selection I went to pay and there were 4 customers in front of me in line to pay. The cashier called for someone else to go work at cash but no one had come by the time I got to the front of the line. I had to wait in line for 5 hours!

I have never been treated so poorly, been made to feel so stupid, had employees be so rude to me or waste my time so badly as at Staples yesterday. I demand a refund for all the ink I have ever purchased since 1972 to compensate for this horrible experience. Also the ink I bought didn't fit my printer, send someone to my house with the correct ink immediately! My printer is grey.

Thank you,
Dre McQueen

[BroSCFischer]

Dear Mr. McQueen:

Unfortunately, due to the number of manufacturers of printers combined with the multiple products provided by them, it is necessary, not only to stock a wide variety of printer inks, but to possess some knowledge of the device for which you intend to purchase said ink. Since you don't provide us with the necessary information to even, by chance, select the correct ink product, we will not be able to have it set aside for when you return to our store to return your mistake.

I should also point out that you were in the store itself for 5 hours (per our security camera footage) and were only in line for about 15 minutes of that. The amount of time you spent on premises is, as I have already stated, completely your fault.

We hope to see you soon, as our return policy is limited to 2 weeks from the date of purchase for opened merchandise.

Sincerely,

Cy 'Inkman' Black

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To whom it may concern:

I have never been so insulted in my life. I was gratified to receive an acceptance letter for my job inquiry from your establishment. However, the later stated it was conditional on my filling out and sending in forms. Not only do you want to take my fingerprints, and have my personal health checked, but you seem to think I'm a child molester!

I demand $500,000.00 in compensation for this defamation of my character, or I will sue for 10 times that amount!

Sincerely,

John Priest