The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Priest,

We need to make sure that you are fit for the job. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

Reverend Healthy



Dear Beer Company Owner,

I recently bought a six pack of root beer and a six pack of birch beer. However, I was offended that there was no alcohol in either of them. I demand you stop calling these imposters beer since they're obviously not. If you don't, I will make a video announcing that you sell fake beer and post the video on YouTube.

Sincerely,

Mr. Alcohol

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Al Cohol,

We already do advertise that we sell non-alcoholic beverages! Haven't you seen our ads for Back To Your Root Beer, All Bark No Bite Birch Beer or Sass P. Rilla? We show families with children drinking those beverages in the ads, and we wouldn't be allowed to do that if the drinks were alcoholic.

By all means, make your video and post it on YouTube! We'll get free advertising and a good laugh at the same time.

Regards,
Thurston Forgood-Drinks, owner,
Naturally Good Beverage Company

* * *

Dear Corporate,

I went shopping at the local branch of your big retail store. I couldn't find anyone to help me! Every employee I saw was already helping somebody else! This just won't do! When I go shopping, I expect your wage slaves to immediately help me, and only me!

I demand that you retrain all of your workers, upon pain of torture if need be, to immediately ignore all other duties, even other guests, and help me! I am THE customer, and the customer is always right!

Sincerely,
Sue Periority-Complex

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Periority-Complex,

What you saw at our store were managers. They were angry at having to leave their meeting, where they talked about (and enjoyed) donuts and coffee just to help a rush of shoppers. They wrote up the hourly employees, both of them. You're completely right! How dare our two peons, both of whom were cashiering, be stuck on registers with lines so long they filled up our store, when they should have dropped everything just to help you! We also expect our wage slaves to immediately help you, and only you, just as they would from every other shopper!

We agree to meet your demands immediately, and will refocus them both on customer service. They will work under a week's docked pay! Our managers should never have to leave the offices and be diverted from their important duties just to have our two worthless employees prove too inept to do their jobs! This just clinches it. We will rectify this at once, and here's a thousand-dollar gift card to compensate for your inconvenience. We've been thinking about reducing our staff down to one and hiring four more managers anyway.

Sincerely,
Eco Nomist,
28th level manager in the corporate chain at Wondermart.

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Dear Ricochet Boing Bounce tire company,

I saw in your advertisement that your tires for the pre-winter special. To get all four winter tires on your vehicle plus a spare would be fifty percent off for one week only if they were bought in the last week of fall. So I bought them.

Your tires deflect nails, broken glass, and other sharp hazards, as your advertisement, and your mechanic, promised. I should know, since I deliberately drove over them all just to test it. The trouble was, they worked and I'm angry about it!

Why am I angry about it? Because while I was deliberately driving over a large pile of broken glass, the glass deflected off of my tires and into a little boy! He looked like a voodoo doll. What on earth was he doing so close to the street anyway?

Now his mother is suing me for deliberately endangering her boy, and for his medical bills and pain and suffering. And so I am deflecting the bill and the lawsuit on to your company for making such a terrible product! How dare your products work so well?

In addition to making her lawsuit your problem, I want a million dollars, free tires, and a new car 'cause your tires caused my car's paint to be scratched up! If you refuse, I will get a nail gun and shoot every employee in your store with it, and if that doesn't work, I'll sick the Armageddon Nightmare Band on you! I happen to be the sister to the hairdresser to the housekeeper of their manager!

Signed,

Carole Lee Fourmizelf.

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Fourmizelf,

Thank you for purchasing our Super Power Tires. We're happy to know that broken glass did not puncture our tires. However, you admitted that you deliberately drove into a pile of broken glass. The boy would have been injured no matter what tires were on your car. We're sending the plaintiff's lawyer a copy of this letter. The plaintiff's lawyer knows that we were not responsible for the little boy's injuries.

Good luck in court.

Sincerely,

Chris Badyear

PS: I don't think the Armageddon Nightmare Band will be able to help, either. They're facing a lawsuit from the Starlite Hotel.

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Dear Clearwater Creek Community Health Department,

I was in one of your safe sex classes when the instructor said something about safe cunnilingus and using Dental Dam. I really wanted to try this with my girl, but I had no idea where Dental Dam was. We decided to do that on the Stone Creek Dam instead. As I was going down on my girlfriend, Officer Johnson comes up and tells us to get off before he hauls us both in for disturbing the peace. Since we didn't want to go to jail, we did what Johnson told us to do.

I believe you need to retrain your instructor.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rection,

Dental Dam is supposed to be used for oral sex and you need to start paying attention in class. Also, the instructor is one of our best teachers so he doesn't need to be retrained.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Family
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to the checkout with a cart of groceries and was offended that I couldn't get served as soon as I got there. I saw an employee step away from her register so I went over there, saw that it was unlocked, and rang my groceries up on her register. I paid with a debit card, requested $5 back, and when the drawer opened I took out the $5 and all of the bills over $10 and put them in my wallet. I want the employee who stepped away from her register fired for stealing and I demand immediate service when I come to the checkout from now on or I will go over to the rotisserie chickens, take off the lids, and set them on fire.

Sincerely,

Will Notwait

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Notwait.

You are an impatient thief. And as for immediate service, the only people who will immediately serve you if you set foot here again will be the police! On the other hand, thank you for giving us your name and address.

And we don't do fire here. Or hadn't you noticed everyone else in here was wearing coats?

Sincerely,
Mr. I. C. Kold'art, manager of
Cold Hard Cash Grocery Store.

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Dear Farms & Regal Bookstore,

My husband posted his opinion of Kylie Minogue's latest album in the place where people are permitted to offer their reviews. (He said it was awful.) He has the right to express his opinion! But the other people who posted, people who clearly have no class, as my husband put it, all disagreed with him. They loved the album and couldn't wait to share it with their friends. My husband felt so picked on. Those idiots were so mean to him.

But things really came to a head when one of the posters dared to summon some kind of 'authority', who first removed my husband's posts, then sicked the gestapo after him. The cops just took him away, something about cyber-something or other and terroristic threats. Naturally, I haven't read any of the posts, so I don't believe a word of it.

On the other hand, I liked the album too, and so did my husband. He just loves a good dust-up. He downloaded the whole album, and he didn't pay a dime. What a clever man!

Oh yes. I demand that all charges against him be dropped, that he be released immediately, that the people who accused him of whatever he's alleged to have done be arrested in his stead, and that we be given free music, and the right to post as my husband pleases, for the rest of his life. If you refuse, I'll go straight to Ms. Minogue herself and tattle on you! Maybe she'll defend her loyal fans if you won't!

Signed,
Mrs. Dodo Birdie Ingtrolle,
in the absence of her husband, Mr. Bull Y Ingtrolle.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Ingtrolle,

Your husband posted harrassing comments and illegally downloaded the album. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

R. E. Ader
Book Store Manager



Dear Fabric Store Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off telling me that I'm not allowed to cut my own fabric? I know how to handle a pair a scissors and I don't appreciate being treated like I'm stupid. I demand you retrain your employee on the importance of customer service. If you don't, I will take all of your fabric outside and set it on fire.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Adult

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. A. Dolt,

You are not allowed to use our scissors for the same reason you cannot go to a garage and use their tools: legal liability. If you injure yourself while using our scissors or climbing our ladders, we can be legally liable. Part of the job description for our employees is to cut the fabric for our customers. The last customer we caught cutting her own fabric took a large piece directly from the middle, causing us to have to waste three yards of $20.99/yd silk, and they ended up going to jail for destruction of private property.

As far as your pyro threat, we have forwarded copies of your letter to our Corporate offices and the local police and fire department. I'm sure our city's Finest will be having a word with you very soon.

Sincerely,
Polly Ester-Knit, owner
Yards-O-Fabric

* * *

Dear Department of Transportation,

I must complain about your rude road workers. I was driving to work when one of your idiot flaggers deliberately turned his sign to "Stop". Well, I'm much too important to wait for traffic, so I ignored him and sped through (I may have clipped him in passing, but so what? You can get another minimum-wage monkey to hold a sign!)

I ended up in a pileup with the cars coming the other way! My Beemer is ruined! I demand compensation! I demand $100,000 for my new car, $10,000,000 for my pain and suffering and you re-train your road apes to recognize important cars and let them through!

Sincerely,
Kent Follow-Directions

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Follow-Directions,

You're very lucky that the road worker wasn't injured or you'd be facing a lawsuit. Also, if you think you're to important to wait during road construction, I'd recommend using another route.

Sincerely,

D. R. Iver
Transportation Manager



Dear RV Manager,

My wife and I bought an RV with a washer and dryer inside so we could go camping. However, we got stuck in the mud when we drove the RV into the woods. We couldn't get out because it was raining and because there were bears nearby. I demand you inform people where they can camp without having to deal with mud, rain, or bears or I will buy your business.

Sincerely,

Rich R. Tan-You

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Tan-You,

According to our records, you bought our Dreamliner, our top of the line RV. Basically, it is a bus that the manufacturer built with all of the amenities including a full size washer and drier. All of that makes your RV extremely heavy. Include the fact that buses are not made with 4 wheel drive makes it extremely likely that it would quickly get bogged down in the mud. We assume no responsibility for your lack of knowledge.

Of course, if you're willing to buy our business, we would be happy to sell it. After all, we can retire and take a vacation. If you're wondering where you can camp without mud, rain, or bears, you can go camp in the Painted Desert. I will warn you, it does get rather hot during the summer.

Sincerely,

Soverdi Greene, Greene Mountain RV

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Dear Kentucky Jelly,

I absolutely refuse to call it KY Jelly. Last week, I decided to visit my son, Hugh. I saw your product in his medicine cabinet and wondered why it was there when it was obviously jelly. I decided to try it on toast. That stuff tasted terrible. I asked him why he had Kentucky Jelly. He didn't tell me for some reason.

I demand that you pull your poisonous off of the shelves before you screw up someone's health.

Sincerely,

Cory Rection

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Rection,

It's not Kentucy Jelly. And you must use our products correctly. That you can't read directions is entirely on you. We will not remove our product from the shelves.

Signed,

W. R. Ning.

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Dear Natural Treasures exotic pet shop,

I got a parrot last month at your store last month. I kept it in a cage and fed it well in my studio apartment, but my idiot partner Jack Ash decided to let the bird go out the window just to spite me! The bird didn't die! Instead it flew, straight to the police department.

Now I'm reading in the newspaper about the parrot that kept repeating "Bank heist! Upton O'Goode! Bank heist! Upton O'Goode!" Next thing I know, Jack & I are both arrested and Jack pins it all on me! He's free as a bird and I'm languishing in jail for being a bank robber!

I demand that you pay my legal fines, help me get out of jail, help me get revenge on Jack, give me a million dollars for my trouble, and give me back my parrot. This time, without the power of speech, that is.

If you don't, I'm going to tell the police everything that parrot said about you people!

Signed,

Upton O'Good.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. O'Good,

I thought your face looked familiar! I've seen it on the police blotter several times! I listen to police radio and watch crime shows, and I saw the bank robbery you participated in on the news (wasn't very smart of you not to wear a mask, you know?). So yeah, you're pretty notorious.

I will give you points for taking good care of the bird, but we will not grant any of your other demands. All the evidence speaks for itself.

Sincerely,
Scarlett McCaw, owner
Natural Treasures Exotic Pet Shop

* * * * *

Dear Fat Freddy's Burger Joint,

I've been a loyal customer of yours for twenty years. I'm especially fond of your Triple Decker Bacon Cheeseburger, and get those nearly every day. But my doctor says I'm 300 pounds overweight, and I can't eat your food anymore!

How could you treat a loyal customer so badly, and make me so fat?! This is not acceptable! I demand that you compensate me $100,000 for my pain and suffering, and give me free Triple Decker Bacon Cheeseburgers for the rest of my life!

Sincerely,
Hugh Djebelly

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Djebelly,

I would recommend listening to your doctor since your health is important. We will not be giving you any money but we have enclosed coupons for our salads.

Sincerely,

Freddy Burger
Owner




Dear State College Dean,

Where you get off rejecting my application? All I've done is study and do homework 24/7 since I started school. My parents even told me not to participate in extra curricular activities or get a job since those things are a waste of time and I can get a job once I graduate college. I demand you accept me or I will have my parents hire someone to destroy your college.

Sincerely,

Miss Rejected

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Rejected,

Your parents gave you some very bad advice, but your lousy grades were more than enough to disqualify you from our program. Now you'll never get in, but you may be getting a visit from the police for threatening our school.

Signed, Dr. F. R. Eethought.

(I apologize for my rant in the first reply.)
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Dear Chess-a-peek trades pawnshop,

I am angry with your manager, Ivory King, because I'm one of his loyalest customers, and he promised me that he'd marry me, and give me all my stuff back out of hawk for free, if I go seven blocks for him and kill his arch-enemy, rival pawnshop owner Mrs. Ebony Reina.

Though I had to advance seven blocks to find her, I found her, crept up diagonally from her, and killed her while she was too busy working on a business deal to checkmate Mr. King to notice me.

And after I'm finished, what does Mr. King offer me? Knighthood? I'm a refined young lady and he promised that he'd marry me! Turns out the big jerk He was already married! I am just plain insulted! I demand that we start over again, without his wife, so that this time he'll do right by me, and that he give me back not only everything I have in hawk for free, but a million dollars for my trouble as well! Do you know how hard it was for me, moving ahead seven blocks, then killing such a dangerous woman?

I'm so mad, if Mr. King doesn't make this right immediately, and marry me at once, I will go straight to Mrs. Reina's husband, offer to marry him just out of spite, and tell him everything I know about your pawnshop and your plans!

Signed, Miss Justa Pawn, aka, the rightful queen of the pawnshop.

[catcul]

Dear Miss Pawn,

You do realize that Chess is just a game, right? I know that you're disappointed that you didn't win the Spring Tournament. You'll just need to sharpen your skills. We would like for you to enter our Summer Chess Championship coming up in three months.

Sincerely,

Gary Kasperov, Chesapeake Chess Championship

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Dear Patesville Fire Department,

Where do you get off breaking my windows? I parked in my normal spot everyday without incident. This morning, I was getting ready to go to work when I noticed that my BMW was missing. When I called the police to report it, they said that it was in the impound lot. When I finally got my car back after paying your absurd fines, I noticed that the windows were smashed out. When I asked the attendant, he said that you did it. He muttered something about "an 8 alarm fire," and parking in front of the fire hydrant."

I demand that you refund my fines and pay for the replacement for my smashed windows plus $1 million. If you don't, I will burn your firehouse to the ground.

P. Rick Gerky