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I've entered the international pun contest many times over the years. My first entry was the one about the guy who really liked tractors, then one day stopped liking tractors. One day he was in a smoke-filled room and he cleared the smoke really quickly all by himself. He was an ex-tractor fan.
Then there was the one about the guy who got addicted to the Lord of the Rings books. They're very hobbit forming, you know.
Another of my entries was about a fisherman who didn't care about anybody but himself. It wasn't his fault, it was his job. It made him sell fish.
One that I thought would be a sure-fire winner was about a Baltic man who wanted to divorce his wife on the grounds she was trying to kill him. She'd even got some special poison to do it - Polish remover.
One of my entries was drawn from real life. I play the guitar. Sometimes by ear, sometimes by there.
Another one was the story of the pirate ship which had a bird for a mascot. The bird would shout "Pieces of eight!" all the time, except sometimes it said "Pieces of seven!". That was known as a parroty error.
Then there was the year my entry consisted of a news story about an attempted art robbery, which was only foiled when the getaway car ran out of fuel. They didn't have enough Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gough.
Another time I entered a safety tip. If you're in a canoe, don't start a fire or it will sink. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
One year I wrote about the world chess championship. The competitiors were standing around in the hotel lobby, comparing career highlights. Until the manager told them to disperse because he couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Finally, I entered some important medical advice. Don't pour vinegar into your ears or you'll get pickled hearing.
But I don't think I'll enter the contest this year. I never win. For ten years I've entered every year, hoping one of my entries would win. But no pun in ten did.
Then there was the one about the guy who got addicted to the Lord of the Rings books. They're very hobbit forming, you know.
Another of my entries was about a fisherman who didn't care about anybody but himself. It wasn't his fault, it was his job. It made him sell fish.
One that I thought would be a sure-fire winner was about a Baltic man who wanted to divorce his wife on the grounds she was trying to kill him. She'd even got some special poison to do it - Polish remover.
One of my entries was drawn from real life. I play the guitar. Sometimes by ear, sometimes by there.
Another one was the story of the pirate ship which had a bird for a mascot. The bird would shout "Pieces of eight!" all the time, except sometimes it said "Pieces of seven!". That was known as a parroty error.
Then there was the year my entry consisted of a news story about an attempted art robbery, which was only foiled when the getaway car ran out of fuel. They didn't have enough Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gough.
Another time I entered a safety tip. If you're in a canoe, don't start a fire or it will sink. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
One year I wrote about the world chess championship. The competitiors were standing around in the hotel lobby, comparing career highlights. Until the manager told them to disperse because he couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Finally, I entered some important medical advice. Don't pour vinegar into your ears or you'll get pickled hearing.
But I don't think I'll enter the contest this year. I never win. For ten years I've entered every year, hoping one of my entries would win. But no pun in ten did.
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