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Aquarius
Your thought process resembles toilet tissue paper. Pour something moist over it and it will disintegrate. Your string of thoughts can easily dissolve. You need to focus. Recycle your old thoughts if you must, and stay solid. Like a fragile, delicate, shivering strawberry, you will be helplessly looking at another sad situation, but your fragile state of mind and your chronic lack of confidence will hold you back. Ripen up this month, soak in enough information so that you can lie convincingly. You still have time to make your mark on the world.
Pisces
Have you ever had tabasco hot sauce in your eyes? If so, you know the feeling, something similar may happen this month if you are not careful. Feeling trapped? Again? …Kindness is a trap. Tell your friends and relatives not to be so kind to you anymore! Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or punched in the face. Don't say we didn't warn you. You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a programme no one wants to see. Watch your back. Your uncanny ability to irritate and annoy will come back to bite you in the butt this month so be warned.
Aries
Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park. If you do not have anything appropriate or pleasant to say to other people, you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. This summer you will take up a hobby that nobody thinks is cool but you. If you have any friends left after what you did last week, they might be making their excuses not to see you this month. Note: Do not use this isolation thing as an excuse not to wash. You still have to leave your place of residence occasionally and you don't want to subject shop assistants to that.
Taurus
Sooner or later you will be recognised as somewhat of a supernatural horror enthusiast. Be warned; believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. Don’t forget to turn off your lights at night. And for god's sake, don't go down into the basement when you hear noises there. Run out the door and use your mobile to call the cops. This is 2013, not 1913, you know and if you don't want to become a horror movie cliche victim, you'd better remember it. Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.” Perhaps it's time to find another... job or chair, either works. You also might want to consider occasionally wearing a different shirt for once.
Gemini
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere... You would be much happier about your test results coming back negative if it wasn’t a personality test. You have personality issues, dear friend. It would be great for everyone if you could do something about it. A clothing explosion will happen in your bedroom. Not to worry as those types of explosions can always be 'unexploded' later. Be careful on your road to soul searching though as there will be a whole load of monsters to defeat on the way! Luckily there will be no monsters in your bedroom this month. As for next month... I really cannot say. Be patient and wait for next month's horrorscope.
Cancer
You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with but this may be a temporary phenomenon. You will gain extra power and strength form some of the most unworldly sources. But there is a source close to you, a dark channel that will fold you back down to the ground. Remember, the devil wears many disguises. When you walk through the valley of death you shall fear no evil, for you are the evillest bitch in the valley. But do you want to stay evil and forever in the valley? Find someone to turn on your satnav and get you the hell out of there before you're lost forever. Make sure this month that you try and wear other colours, black might be slimming but it's only accentuating your evil aura.
Leo
This month you will be suffering from what’s known as Brain Freeze. In some cases this is a legitimate issue, in others it is just a zombie treat. Just remember, drinking and drugs will not solve all your problems. That's what chocolate is for. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die. Many things will happen around you this month. You will have sooo much to tell your friends but unfortunately your information bank will start to crash. You may find yourself continuously suffering from a short-term memory loss or the selective-memory-syndrome. Though it is not always a bad thing.
Virgo
This month an enchanted toad will ask you to kiss it on the lips so that it may transform itself into the most beautiful member of the English royal family. Try not to oblige if you can help it. There’s a warrant out for its arrest in four separate states. Family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get, remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. You’ve been through a lot recently and to stand up and try again at something you failed before shows great character and further depths to your soul. If you don’t succeed this time then at least you’ve given it your best effort and there can be no doubt it’s time to start movin’ on up like M People never actually managed to do.
Libra
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you decided to wear that? Even Elton John might wince at that colour combination. Who said Librans are romantic? They are meant to be but you really have lost the plot. You are not flirting, not socialising, and not doing enough about it. Do you even know what the word ‘Romantic’ means? Go and do some of that romantic stuff. Maybe that way you’ll accomplish finer partners in life. You’re selfish, awfully short tempered, occasionally too impulsive, impatient, reckless and narrow minded, whilst you, of course, you think best of yourself, so you’ll believe that none of those are true. Well, guess what cookie, it’s not just your way or the highway. It’s actually one way, or at least one way for you. And that is straight to hell, and no way back! Enjoy the sizzler!
Scorpio
You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other people’s business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Fix up! Please!!! Do something about it! PS: you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho!
Sagittarius
If you don’t watch yourself this month you’ll end up sleeping like a rock, literally. You’ll wake up in a flower bed with a house key under your belly. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. It is time for you to stop daydreaming and get back to reality. Failing to tune into the reality will result in you missing out on all the new and exciting things taking place within the real world. You think that you are the world's best at barbequeing but people only say you are so as not to hurt your feelings. In actual fact, you are the worst cook in the entire world and your friends would prefer it if you stayed away from the outside cooking entirely and quit trying to poison them.
Capricorn
You’ll trip over a tree root. When you look up you’ll see a big mouth with or without teeth. You will keep on staring up at the talking tree in horror. Not to worry though. Talking trees are friendly, it’s the biting trees you got to watch out for. If you meet those, just sing the "giggle at the ghosty" song; your singing is enough to remove any threat from your path, even biting trees. People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, don’t listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? You are too unpredictable, often unemotional and becoming increasingly detached. You claim to be honest, but that is short lived and your best friend thinks you’re a nutjob who needs to be locked away. Apart from all that, everything's cool.
Your thought process resembles toilet tissue paper. Pour something moist over it and it will disintegrate. Your string of thoughts can easily dissolve. You need to focus. Recycle your old thoughts if you must, and stay solid. Like a fragile, delicate, shivering strawberry, you will be helplessly looking at another sad situation, but your fragile state of mind and your chronic lack of confidence will hold you back. Ripen up this month, soak in enough information so that you can lie convincingly. You still have time to make your mark on the world.
Pisces
Have you ever had tabasco hot sauce in your eyes? If so, you know the feeling, something similar may happen this month if you are not careful. Feeling trapped? Again? …Kindness is a trap. Tell your friends and relatives not to be so kind to you anymore! Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or punched in the face. Don't say we didn't warn you. You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a programme no one wants to see. Watch your back. Your uncanny ability to irritate and annoy will come back to bite you in the butt this month so be warned.
Aries
Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park. If you do not have anything appropriate or pleasant to say to other people, you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. This summer you will take up a hobby that nobody thinks is cool but you. If you have any friends left after what you did last week, they might be making their excuses not to see you this month. Note: Do not use this isolation thing as an excuse not to wash. You still have to leave your place of residence occasionally and you don't want to subject shop assistants to that.
Taurus
Sooner or later you will be recognised as somewhat of a supernatural horror enthusiast. Be warned; believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. Don’t forget to turn off your lights at night. And for god's sake, don't go down into the basement when you hear noises there. Run out the door and use your mobile to call the cops. This is 2013, not 1913, you know and if you don't want to become a horror movie cliche victim, you'd better remember it. Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.” Perhaps it's time to find another... job or chair, either works. You also might want to consider occasionally wearing a different shirt for once.
Gemini
Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere... You would be much happier about your test results coming back negative if it wasn’t a personality test. You have personality issues, dear friend. It would be great for everyone if you could do something about it. A clothing explosion will happen in your bedroom. Not to worry as those types of explosions can always be 'unexploded' later. Be careful on your road to soul searching though as there will be a whole load of monsters to defeat on the way! Luckily there will be no monsters in your bedroom this month. As for next month... I really cannot say. Be patient and wait for next month's horrorscope.
Cancer
You’re a powerful force to be reckoned with but this may be a temporary phenomenon. You will gain extra power and strength form some of the most unworldly sources. But there is a source close to you, a dark channel that will fold you back down to the ground. Remember, the devil wears many disguises. When you walk through the valley of death you shall fear no evil, for you are the evillest bitch in the valley. But do you want to stay evil and forever in the valley? Find someone to turn on your satnav and get you the hell out of there before you're lost forever. Make sure this month that you try and wear other colours, black might be slimming but it's only accentuating your evil aura.
Leo
This month you will be suffering from what’s known as Brain Freeze. In some cases this is a legitimate issue, in others it is just a zombie treat. Just remember, drinking and drugs will not solve all your problems. That's what chocolate is for. Never compare yourself to anyone or it will cause you agony, it will give you sleepless nights, it will cause you stress, drive you to insanity and ultimately it will lead you to a negative thought process which will stay with you till the day you die. Many things will happen around you this month. You will have sooo much to tell your friends but unfortunately your information bank will start to crash. You may find yourself continuously suffering from a short-term memory loss or the selective-memory-syndrome. Though it is not always a bad thing.
Virgo
This month an enchanted toad will ask you to kiss it on the lips so that it may transform itself into the most beautiful member of the English royal family. Try not to oblige if you can help it. There’s a warrant out for its arrest in four separate states. Family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get, remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. You’ve been through a lot recently and to stand up and try again at something you failed before shows great character and further depths to your soul. If you don’t succeed this time then at least you’ve given it your best effort and there can be no doubt it’s time to start movin’ on up like M People never actually managed to do.
Libra
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you decided to wear that? Even Elton John might wince at that colour combination. Who said Librans are romantic? They are meant to be but you really have lost the plot. You are not flirting, not socialising, and not doing enough about it. Do you even know what the word ‘Romantic’ means? Go and do some of that romantic stuff. Maybe that way you’ll accomplish finer partners in life. You’re selfish, awfully short tempered, occasionally too impulsive, impatient, reckless and narrow minded, whilst you, of course, you think best of yourself, so you’ll believe that none of those are true. Well, guess what cookie, it’s not just your way or the highway. It’s actually one way, or at least one way for you. And that is straight to hell, and no way back! Enjoy the sizzler!
Scorpio
You are pompous and patronising. Your dogmatic attitude is getting boring. You will truly help yourself if you stop bossing around and stop interfering in other people’s business. You think you are the best thing in the universe, but really you are intolerant and no one likes you. Fix up! Please!!! Do something about it! PS: you do have an ok sense of humour on Saturdays, so feel free to express yourself then. Your jealousy and resentfulness is driving a lot of your friends to insanity. You are a compulsive obsessive, which also makes you a maniac. You are revengeful, weird and just plain scary! And you have secretive stalking tendencies. Leave people alone, really, you psycho!
Sagittarius
If you don’t watch yourself this month you’ll end up sleeping like a rock, literally. You’ll wake up in a flower bed with a house key under your belly. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. It is time for you to stop daydreaming and get back to reality. Failing to tune into the reality will result in you missing out on all the new and exciting things taking place within the real world. You think that you are the world's best at barbequeing but people only say you are so as not to hurt your feelings. In actual fact, you are the worst cook in the entire world and your friends would prefer it if you stayed away from the outside cooking entirely and quit trying to poison them.
Capricorn
You’ll trip over a tree root. When you look up you’ll see a big mouth with or without teeth. You will keep on staring up at the talking tree in horror. Not to worry though. Talking trees are friendly, it’s the biting trees you got to watch out for. If you meet those, just sing the "giggle at the ghosty" song; your singing is enough to remove any threat from your path, even biting trees. People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, don’t listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? You are too unpredictable, often unemotional and becoming increasingly detached. You claim to be honest, but that is short lived and your best friend thinks you’re a nutjob who needs to be locked away. Apart from all that, everything's cool.
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