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Aquarius
A black cat falling onto the windscreen of your car this week will lead you to believe that this was the ‘sign’ you had been waiting for. You will decide that no longer shall you wait for the opportunities to fall your way, but that you will be making your own luck from now on. The very next morning, you will find that the hitchhiker who you refused to pick up on the grounds that you were late for work anyway was in fact a serial killer and you had a very lucky escape. Take heart from this extraordinary piece of luck and take it as read that your life will improve, very slightly. That's the best that you can hope for anyway, so please don't set your sights too high or you will be disappointed.
Pisces
This week you will be woken by the sound of a smashing window and discover there is an intruder in your house. The burglar is surprisingly quick to flee, equipped as he is with no weapon, but your decision to chase him will result in you being run over by a milk float. However, you check the contents of your house later, after your ejection from hospital, to find that there was nothing missing. The erstwhile thief opened your fridge and was so repulsed by its contents that he decided to probe no further into your house out of purest fear. It might be a good idea to throw that milk away before it mutates any further and becomes a new race which takes over the Earth. You wouldn't want that on your conscious, now would you?
Aries
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. No bad things can possibly result from this. What, you don't believe me? Don't make me call down a posse of drunken Chelsea fans to beat some sense into you. Anyway, you have enough on your plate right now. I know you've been convincing yourself that the odd noises you hear at night is just the house settling but actually, a nest of rats has moved into your kitchen. Do something about them right now before they take over the house, declare squatters rights and you find yourself being booted out unceremoniously into the street.
Taurus
A wagging tail means your cat is either indecisive or angry. It either wants to do two things at once and cannot make up its mind which action to take, or it wants you to stop holding it down so it can scratch your eyes out. Take this as a sign for what to do for the rest of the week. Basically, you've already irritated all your friends far too much this month, it will take just one more thing before you get a punch to the face. You might like to comfort yourself by telling yourself that you're a unique individual and some people just can't hack that, but in reality, you're an annoying, cretinous person who speaks before thinking and who provokes people to fantasise about setting about you with a bag of spanners.
Gemini
Sometimes strong emotions can get the better of you. It’s important to take time to reflect and breathe before you act. The wisest decisions are made after a good night's sleep. If you still feel angry in the morning then your decision is made. However, remember these wise words before you go outside and key your neighbour's car. Do not sign your name. Follow this advice, and you can be sure that you won't receive a free trip to the police station and a pair of silver bracelets later on in the day. Also, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold... but a close second is a hot dish thrown all over the offender. You’ve always thought your life would be better if you could locate a flux capacitor, go back in time and teach your younger self a few things. But you might find it a tad depressing this week when you find out you’ve actually tried that already.
Cancer
You have been thinking about giving up smoking this month, haven't you? Well, it's probably not what you want to hear, but I would advise you to forget it. You see, the calming influence of nicotine is the only thing stopping you from grabbing a chainsaw and going postal on your hapless town. You are a seething mass of rage, so I'd advise smoking even more and possibly eating more chocolate, too. Try to cut back on the alcohol tho as you are one mean drunk under the influence, and all your friends are scared of you. Try and wear more colours this week other than black. It will cheer you up and possibly others as well. You don't want people mistaking you for one of the villains of horror movie fame, do you?
Leo
You often wonder what your purpose on this earth is, but what you fail to appreciate is that you are already influencing the lives of everyone people around you. You inspire them to be better people and move themselves on to greater things. Mainly because they dread the idea of ever ending up like you. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover just how many of life’s problems can be solved just by not paying the appropriate amount of attention to them. Of course, on the flip side other problems will mount up and become hazardous, but everyone needs a bit of intrigue in their lives. Try removing yourself from your comfort zone every so often. The nature of the society we live in means it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and repeat things on a daily basis. But pushing yourself can revitalise the soul. At least it proves you have one!
Virgo
Every day you learn something new. Today’s lesson will be bizarre and slightly scary, when you realise that in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances monkeys can be found in a barrel, and said barrel can be found on your doorstep. It’s actually quite ‘mad’ too. You can remove crayon drawings from walls or doors by simply heating them on a low setting with a hairdryer, then wiping off the remaining colours with a wet and slightly soaped cloth. Then remove the children that did them from your home, with a catapult. Alternatively, you can take them to a forest and leave them there with a crust of bread. Make sure that you warn them appropriately about strangers, particularly those who live in houses made of gingerbread. Then again, on second thoughts...
Libra
If you’re thinking of revamping your image, then you should find something chic - but also a little unexpected. The unusual could affect you in different ways – you may become the new talk of Nottingham, or you could end up talking to about someone right honourable about the indecent exposure act. Here's a handy hint: now that winter is on its way, you might want to consider covering up a little more. Blue skin is only attractive to Smurfs, and I don't think you want any of those roaming around the house, do you? If you’re looking for words of wisdom, there are many places you can find it. Some people go back to study, some find religion and others find the answers within. But three o'clock on a Sunday morning, drunk off your face, kebab in hand, shouting at the bus shelter won’t get you anywhere. So why do you keep on doing it?
Scorpio
You have hit some kind of buffer at work. It may be that the traffic doesn’t move fast enough and you feel that you’ve come as far as you can in your current role, so it’s time to move into a faster lane. Whatever the difficulties are, deadly road rage against the boss never hurt anyone except him. Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. The fact is, the universe is playing a huge and elborate joke on you so the best thing you can do is just lie back and accept that you will never have a svelte body like the girl next door. And you wouldn't want to, believe me. Her skinny figure is entirely due to the accidental ingestion of a tapeworm which will eventually reach her brain and kill her. Doesn't feel so bad to be breaking paving stones every time you walk down the street now, does it?
Capricorn
You’re right that nobody seems to understand the excruciating personal pain and trauma you are currently going through. But having to constantly listen to you whining on about it is a torture of a whole different kind. You risk the humiliation of your friends dumping you en masse to go and hang out with the scary Cancer, for the simple reason that risking life and limb on a Saturday night down the pub is a far more exciting prospect than spending ten minutes in your company. However, life is on the up for you this week, for once. You will discover the deep power of chain letters this week when you suddenly get so busy that you unintentionally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever. Now you no longer have to waste your time sending them on or spending money on stamps to mail them! Wasn't that worth learning?
A black cat falling onto the windscreen of your car this week will lead you to believe that this was the ‘sign’ you had been waiting for. You will decide that no longer shall you wait for the opportunities to fall your way, but that you will be making your own luck from now on. The very next morning, you will find that the hitchhiker who you refused to pick up on the grounds that you were late for work anyway was in fact a serial killer and you had a very lucky escape. Take heart from this extraordinary piece of luck and take it as read that your life will improve, very slightly. That's the best that you can hope for anyway, so please don't set your sights too high or you will be disappointed.
Pisces
This week you will be woken by the sound of a smashing window and discover there is an intruder in your house. The burglar is surprisingly quick to flee, equipped as he is with no weapon, but your decision to chase him will result in you being run over by a milk float. However, you check the contents of your house later, after your ejection from hospital, to find that there was nothing missing. The erstwhile thief opened your fridge and was so repulsed by its contents that he decided to probe no further into your house out of purest fear. It might be a good idea to throw that milk away before it mutates any further and becomes a new race which takes over the Earth. You wouldn't want that on your conscious, now would you?
Aries
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools. So make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. No bad things can possibly result from this. What, you don't believe me? Don't make me call down a posse of drunken Chelsea fans to beat some sense into you. Anyway, you have enough on your plate right now. I know you've been convincing yourself that the odd noises you hear at night is just the house settling but actually, a nest of rats has moved into your kitchen. Do something about them right now before they take over the house, declare squatters rights and you find yourself being booted out unceremoniously into the street.
Taurus
A wagging tail means your cat is either indecisive or angry. It either wants to do two things at once and cannot make up its mind which action to take, or it wants you to stop holding it down so it can scratch your eyes out. Take this as a sign for what to do for the rest of the week. Basically, you've already irritated all your friends far too much this month, it will take just one more thing before you get a punch to the face. You might like to comfort yourself by telling yourself that you're a unique individual and some people just can't hack that, but in reality, you're an annoying, cretinous person who speaks before thinking and who provokes people to fantasise about setting about you with a bag of spanners.
Gemini
Sometimes strong emotions can get the better of you. It’s important to take time to reflect and breathe before you act. The wisest decisions are made after a good night's sleep. If you still feel angry in the morning then your decision is made. However, remember these wise words before you go outside and key your neighbour's car. Do not sign your name. Follow this advice, and you can be sure that you won't receive a free trip to the police station and a pair of silver bracelets later on in the day. Also, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold... but a close second is a hot dish thrown all over the offender. You’ve always thought your life would be better if you could locate a flux capacitor, go back in time and teach your younger self a few things. But you might find it a tad depressing this week when you find out you’ve actually tried that already.
Cancer
You have been thinking about giving up smoking this month, haven't you? Well, it's probably not what you want to hear, but I would advise you to forget it. You see, the calming influence of nicotine is the only thing stopping you from grabbing a chainsaw and going postal on your hapless town. You are a seething mass of rage, so I'd advise smoking even more and possibly eating more chocolate, too. Try to cut back on the alcohol tho as you are one mean drunk under the influence, and all your friends are scared of you. Try and wear more colours this week other than black. It will cheer you up and possibly others as well. You don't want people mistaking you for one of the villains of horror movie fame, do you?
Leo
You often wonder what your purpose on this earth is, but what you fail to appreciate is that you are already influencing the lives of everyone people around you. You inspire them to be better people and move themselves on to greater things. Mainly because they dread the idea of ever ending up like you. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover just how many of life’s problems can be solved just by not paying the appropriate amount of attention to them. Of course, on the flip side other problems will mount up and become hazardous, but everyone needs a bit of intrigue in their lives. Try removing yourself from your comfort zone every so often. The nature of the society we live in means it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and repeat things on a daily basis. But pushing yourself can revitalise the soul. At least it proves you have one!
Virgo
Every day you learn something new. Today’s lesson will be bizarre and slightly scary, when you realise that in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances monkeys can be found in a barrel, and said barrel can be found on your doorstep. It’s actually quite ‘mad’ too. You can remove crayon drawings from walls or doors by simply heating them on a low setting with a hairdryer, then wiping off the remaining colours with a wet and slightly soaped cloth. Then remove the children that did them from your home, with a catapult. Alternatively, you can take them to a forest and leave them there with a crust of bread. Make sure that you warn them appropriately about strangers, particularly those who live in houses made of gingerbread. Then again, on second thoughts...
Libra
If you’re thinking of revamping your image, then you should find something chic - but also a little unexpected. The unusual could affect you in different ways – you may become the new talk of Nottingham, or you could end up talking to about someone right honourable about the indecent exposure act. Here's a handy hint: now that winter is on its way, you might want to consider covering up a little more. Blue skin is only attractive to Smurfs, and I don't think you want any of those roaming around the house, do you? If you’re looking for words of wisdom, there are many places you can find it. Some people go back to study, some find religion and others find the answers within. But three o'clock on a Sunday morning, drunk off your face, kebab in hand, shouting at the bus shelter won’t get you anywhere. So why do you keep on doing it?
Scorpio
You have hit some kind of buffer at work. It may be that the traffic doesn’t move fast enough and you feel that you’ve come as far as you can in your current role, so it’s time to move into a faster lane. Whatever the difficulties are, deadly road rage against the boss never hurt anyone except him. Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. The fact is, the universe is playing a huge and elborate joke on you so the best thing you can do is just lie back and accept that you will never have a svelte body like the girl next door. And you wouldn't want to, believe me. Her skinny figure is entirely due to the accidental ingestion of a tapeworm which will eventually reach her brain and kill her. Doesn't feel so bad to be breaking paving stones every time you walk down the street now, does it?
Capricorn
You’re right that nobody seems to understand the excruciating personal pain and trauma you are currently going through. But having to constantly listen to you whining on about it is a torture of a whole different kind. You risk the humiliation of your friends dumping you en masse to go and hang out with the scary Cancer, for the simple reason that risking life and limb on a Saturday night down the pub is a far more exciting prospect than spending ten minutes in your company. However, life is on the up for you this week, for once. You will discover the deep power of chain letters this week when you suddenly get so busy that you unintentionally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever. Now you no longer have to waste your time sending them on or spending money on stamps to mail them! Wasn't that worth learning?
tapeworm lol
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