Let's Kill Jester!

[Jester]

My recent post about nonstandard funeral wishes got me thinking. And it's something most of us have thought about from time to time. How are we going go shuffle off this mortal coil? Some people want to go peacefully in their sleep after a long and fruitful life. Not me. I'm a blaze of glory kind of guy. And I like coming up with new and even bizarre ways that could happen. But I'd like to hear other people's ideas on the subject as well. And you don't have to limit it to me. Feel free to kill off other members of our beloved site. I'm not gonna set down rules for this, but I do have some requests.

1. Be creative.
2. Try to make it at least vaguely possible. Getting killed by Luke Skywalker in a light saber duel is not possible. Getting killed by Mark Hamill in an actual duel, while unlikely, is at least possible. See where I'm going? Right. Keep it in the real world. No matter how improbable, it should at least be possible. (An added bonus to this is that it keeps someone from going the overdone and trite vampire route.)
3. Don't be obvious. Gravekeeper killed by hat-crazed Nunavutians or Argabarga run over by angry people who've been towed are just two freakin' obvious. Ditto me and someone pissed at me carding them. These are too easy, and as I said, I'm looking for some creativity here.

Finally, there is one method of my demise that I'm absolutely going to forbid, and that is my being fucked to death by Anna Paquin and Keira Knightley in a crazy drunken ménage a trois. I'm forbidding it because I'm hoping that's how I actually go.

So have at it. Let the killing begin!

[KhirasHY]

I asked my handy Cards Against Humanity deck how you die Jester. It replied "Kids with ass cancer."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I asked my handy Cards Against Humanity deck how you die Jester. It replied "Kids with ass cancer."

Mine said "An erection lasting more than four hours."

[Sliceanddice]

gosh i was going to say 4 drunk clowns with tomahawks in a bridal store

[Argabarga]

Walked over top of an unusually sharp cattle grate while wearing an unusually heavy hat.

[Kittish]

You wanna go out in a blaze of glory? Ok. The re-entry vehicle explodes with you aboard just after it leaves the newly opened LEO Hotel, where you'd just spent a week enjoying a zero gravity vacation and learning that you can't get falling down drunk if you can't fall down.

Getting killed by Mark Hamill in an actual light saber duel, while unlikely, is at least possible.

Fixed that. Did you know that actual light sabers are a thing now? Not quite as badass as the movie version, but they're actually a thing.

[mathnerd]

Mine said "An erection lasting more than four hours."

Mine said 'anal beads'. Jeez, Jester, somehow you don't strike me at the type... :P

These two had me laughing so hard my dog came over to make sure I was okay.

Though I think it would be more fun to kill Jester by having Anna Paquin and Keira Knightley head to the Bar, flirt with him for hours, then tell him no.

[CorneliaMarieRocks]

Getting killed by Mark Hamill in an actual light saber duel, while unlikely, is at least possible.





I'm sorry, I couldn't let this one..umm, have you taken a look at Mark Hamill lately? let me just say, damn, time has NOT been kind to him (not that I'm drop dead gorgeous either, b/c I'm not, but holy moly! )

back to your regularly scheduled thread

[Kit-Ginevra]

Mine said 'anal beads'. Jeez, Jester, somehow you don't strike me at the type... :P

That wasn't the magic 8-ball,that was your shopping list...

[mathnerd]

My eldest offspring suggests putting Jester in a room and depriving him of alcohol. In his words, "simple is best."

[Jester]

gosh i was going to say 4 drunk clowns with tomahawks in a bridal store

Holy shit! My favorite so far!

...you can't get falling down drunk if you can't fall down.

Challenge ACCEPTED!

Did you know that actual light sabers are a thing now? Not quite as badass as the movie version, but they're actually a thing.

Not quite as badass? From what I've heard of them, they're not even in the same zip code.

Though I think it would be more fun to kill Jester by having Anna Paquin and Keira Knightley head to the Bar, flirt with him for hours, then tell him no.

Oh, that wouldn't kill me at all. Might disappoint me initially, but I would be able to say afterward that Anna Paquin and Keira Knightley flirted with me in a bar for hours!

My eldest offspring suggests putting Jester in a room and depriving him of alcohol. In his words, "simple is best."

I like the way he thinks, but you and I both know that depriving me of alcohol won't kill me at all. Not even close. Remember, I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Big difference.

[darkroxas45]

Sound canceling headphones in a tall grain field in the dark while they are harvesting grain to make alcohol and Jester you are wearing the darkest clothes possible and the tractor's lights fail 10 feet from you. I swear I am utterly sane [all polygraph machines within a 5 mile radius explode]

[Lachrymose]

A magic trick gone awry transports you into a vat of rum, where a bittersweet drowning awaits you. (So much for real world, but I had to . )

ETA: Then again, I didn't say exactly HOW you were transported...

[Victory Sabre]

Send Jester to Minnesota in the winter when it's -30 outside.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Remember, I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Big difference.

Yeah, alcoholics go to meetings.