Advice On Friendships/Relationships With Those Who Have ADD

[Seshat]

It was not to be an excuse to get out of stuff; rather it was to be an explanation for why I might need to do things differently and perhaps with slightly different tools.

THAT IS PERFECT!

That's exactly the right wording for how I feel about getting diagnoses for these things. Not to get out of stuff, not as a crutch, but as a way to get access to different tools and techniques.

'Hey, you have diagnosis X: did you know that other people with diagnosis X find these things helpful? Try them all out, find the ones that work for you. If you come up with something new, let us know so we can add that to the list.'

YES YES YES!

Blas, I think the best thing is to tell your boyfriend that the things he's doing bug you while he's doing them. It's not out of a lack of caring for you that he interrupts, he's just got this monster idea pounding to get out of his mind via his mouth, and it's being awful loud about its presence. He can do it, he can remember not to interrupt.

A very helpful thing while he's learning not to interrupt you: carry a notepad and pen with you at all times. When he interrupts, start by letting him, but for a short time - just long enough to get enough of the idea out for you to write down for him. Then reassure him that he can talk to you about the new idea once you've finished the current conversation.

Finish the current conversation, then DO go back to the interrupted one. The goal here is to gradually teach him to make his own notes - mental or physical - about the idea that popped into his head.

The only way his subconscious will learn that is if you DO go back to the interrupt-idea every time - or every time it's at all possible to do so.

Over time, you'll move to handing him the notepad, then to him carrying the notepad. He may never get past having to write the idea down RIGHT NOW, but at least having him say 'scuse, let me write this down..... okay, what were you saying?' is less intrusive than a total conversation derail.

(And yes, that happens in my house. Any of us might do the 'scuse, one moment...' thing.)

Like others have said, if what you say sounds accusative, he will be catapulted in to the zone of OH CRUD I STINK I'M SORRY I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN (WHAT DID I DO, EXACTLY?). That last bit is the worst part, (the "what did I do") because I know I don't always get what I've done to anger someone. I merely know that they're angry with me for something and I feel crappy.

Yeah, I detest that. I'm like that too.

[Kheldarson]

My BF is ADHD. His thoughts go everywhere. He's generally good about not interrupting me; what he's bad at is topic jumping. The way I deal with it is making him backtrack. Like we'll be talking a story idea, and he's suddenly asking about D&D character stuff. Or a video game. So I have him relate the connections back to me. The few times he has interrupted me, I usually say "Hold that thought, let me finish mine."

Of course, I have my bad days too with dealing with it. We work on that too. I think the major key is patience...but that's with any relationship, right?

[Amethyst Hunter]

A gentle atmosphere has always been the best for me. I still screw up, but I'm much more able to process what is being said to me. I like being able to fix my mistakes.

YES. THIS. No one does well when they're raked over the coals for screwing up, but us ADDers take it harder than most, and not only are we less likely to fix the problem, we're also liable to turn resentful and either abandon things entirely or turn viciously passive-aggressive (trust me, I know).

[Buglady]

'Hey, you have diagnosis X: did you know that other people with diagnosis X find these things helpful? Try them all out, find the ones that work for you. If you come up with something new, let us know so we can add that to the list.'

I told everyone that I'd finally found the user's manual for my brain

[Dreamstalker]

I like that description. May I permanently borrow it?

[teller]

I just wanna ask how things are i feel you have more then enough advice.

[blas]

Things have been going pretty well. I don't want to worry anyone and make them feel that I started this thread because his ADD makes problems in our relationship. He is a very great guy and I care for him very much, and I do accept him for who he is.

I haven't really had much of a chance to try any of the given advice because I only get to see him on weekends....and this last weekend we were out and about both nights and I didn't feel it very inappropriate to try and talk about anything like that in public or point that stuff out.

We'll have to see about it this weekend, when we will actually be staying in for at least one of the nights.

[RootedPhoenix]

The very existence of this thread shows that you care, Blas. I'm glad that he's got you -- someone who is willing to see his unique value.

[Mr. Rager!]

My brother is ADHD. And he drove me nuts as a kid. My doctor thinks he is the main reason why I ended up on anti-depressants. The kid was all over the place and would not leave. me. alone. ever. He's also 2 years younger than me.

As he got older, he's learned to control it better. But, he's still pretty much an ass.

Probably the best thing to do is to say, "hey, I've noticed that there are times when you cut me off when I'm talking" and then talk about how you feel about it.

He should be OK with that.

[blas]

Well RootedPhoenix, I have my own little flaws that probably take a real saint to put up with (ask my parents and my brother). I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet, and I can have a temper at times.

[RootedPhoenix]

I think everyone's got something that takes patience to deal with, though. I've got my own passive-agressive stuff, myself. Assertiveness is not my specialty.

I hope the thread's been useful to you, though. It taught me a couple of things, so I'm glad it was here.