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You are feeling grief and survivor guilt. Both of these are forms of depression, but they're 'normal' and 'healthy' given the circumstances.
One thing I think you need to make yourself do: encourage your daughter and son to talk with you and your husband, and talk with both of them a little bit as well. Let them see you crying, but reassure them that it's not their fault you're unhappy and that you love them.
That's for their sake, to help them get through this without harm.
Let your adult family look after you, and the kids. Grieve, and express the grief. If you can write, paint, play music, sing, or in some artistic way express it, that's particularly good. Even if the only painting you can do is fingerpainting.
Also, try to eat at least some of what your family puts in front of you. Proper nutrition will help the grief pass, and also help your body heal physically. And let them take you for walks, if you can. Even if them pointing at flowers or butterflies makes you feel 'so what?', it'll be good for you. And it'll feel better and better once you start coming out of this.
Let your family take you to see a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, or psychology/counselling-trained religious leader. The combination of grief and survivor guilt is a partly nasty one, and without being supervised by someone who knows what to watch for, it's possible for you to get stuck in it.
If you're religious, make a point of going to church every week, and spending some time before or after church talking to one of the psych-trained ministers, lay preachers, or other professionals. That can be enough time for them to check that you're progressing normally and not getting stuck.
With the assistance of a professional, you will eventually work through it. You'll find that you're noticing the flowers again, and smiling when your kids do something particularly cute. Having your children in your arms will feel right again, not be a reminder of Baby Girl.
What you are going through is normal, and right. But it's supposed to pass, and a professional can keep their eye on you and help it pass.
I promise, as long as everything progresses normally, you will find the joy in life again, and the energy and desire to do things. And if it doesn't progress normally, the medical community can help get it back on track. For this purpose, the priests/etc of most religions are honorary medicos.
One thing I think you need to make yourself do: encourage your daughter and son to talk with you and your husband, and talk with both of them a little bit as well. Let them see you crying, but reassure them that it's not their fault you're unhappy and that you love them.
That's for their sake, to help them get through this without harm.
Let your adult family look after you, and the kids. Grieve, and express the grief. If you can write, paint, play music, sing, or in some artistic way express it, that's particularly good. Even if the only painting you can do is fingerpainting.
Also, try to eat at least some of what your family puts in front of you. Proper nutrition will help the grief pass, and also help your body heal physically. And let them take you for walks, if you can. Even if them pointing at flowers or butterflies makes you feel 'so what?', it'll be good for you. And it'll feel better and better once you start coming out of this.
Let your family take you to see a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, or psychology/counselling-trained religious leader. The combination of grief and survivor guilt is a partly nasty one, and without being supervised by someone who knows what to watch for, it's possible for you to get stuck in it.
If you're religious, make a point of going to church every week, and spending some time before or after church talking to one of the psych-trained ministers, lay preachers, or other professionals. That can be enough time for them to check that you're progressing normally and not getting stuck.
With the assistance of a professional, you will eventually work through it. You'll find that you're noticing the flowers again, and smiling when your kids do something particularly cute. Having your children in your arms will feel right again, not be a reminder of Baby Girl.
What you are going through is normal, and right. But it's supposed to pass, and a professional can keep their eye on you and help it pass.
I promise, as long as everything progresses normally, you will find the joy in life again, and the energy and desire to do things. And if it doesn't progress normally, the medical community can help get it back on track. For this purpose, the priests/etc of most religions are honorary medicos.
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