I need some advice. (relationship messy-ness involved..beware)

[Amina516]

Soooo....long story, stick with me.

I have been married for 5 1/2 years. Unfortunately, a few months after I was married my husband pulled a move straight out of Jerry Springer. He cheated on me with our best friend. Now, they didnt sleep together, but they did kiss and feelings were involved etc. This resulted in me kicking him out of the house. With her, I avoided her calls for about a week after I kicked him out (she used to call me on her way home from work every day), when I finally picked up confronted her about it she got angry and blamed my husband. That pissed me off more than anything, so I cut off all ties with her.

As it were, my husband moved into his moms home when he got kicked out. Unfortunately, about 9 months after seperating (i was still contemplating divorce, but was unsure). My husbands mother was preparing to move to florida (we are in pennsylvania). He literally had no where to go. So, I left him move back in..things took their natural progression and we ended up back together and decided to work things out.

Fast forward to now, we are pretty happily married. A few days ago, I get a message on Facebook...it is from her, my ex best friend "C". She apologized, said that she had change..but just really wanted me to know she was sorry.

.And when i read her letter, I started to cry. Not just tear up, but full on bawl my eyes out. Why you ask? B/c with that I realized that I missed her..so much. She was my friend since 7th grade. Her daughter was like my own, and her mom and dad were like family. I paged through her facebook pics and saw how much Id missed. What bothered me most was her wedding pictures. She was in my wedding....I saw her bridesmaids and felt like I shouldve been there too. Her daughter was so big and beautiful, i hadnt seen her since she was 4.

I wrote her back, (the 1st communication ive had with her in over 4 years) basically told her "apology accepted and have a happy life". I really have forgiven her, it took me a few years but I was able to work through the anger and forgive...but hell no, im not forgetting.

I had a dream about her last night, where she hugged me and wouldnt let me go..so we became friends again.. (weird I know)

I find myself wanting to message her again, if only to tell her everything Ive just shared with you all. I dont want think I want a friendship with her again..I just dont know anymore.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? This is someone who helped cause sooo much hurt and pain in my life, i went through the most horrible time of my life with loneliness, depression and other things I dont want to mention as a direct result of this incident.

Advice. Harsh, nice, funny, honest assholish (jester? )...anything. Just talk to me.

[Buglady]

First, *hugs and passes the cookies over* . That's a tough situation and there's no easy answer. There's NOTHING wrong with you for the way you are feeling!

Why not write a letter saying what you've said here, and whatever else you find you need to say? Don't decide yet whether to send it. Just use the letter to sort out your own feelings a bit. Baby steps.

Remember: you are stronger than you think you are, and forgiveness does not make the other person right - it makes you free.

[Jadedcarguy]

I'll be blunt.

You miss the good times with this girl, and that's why you cried. But as you said yourself, you can't forget. If you were to try to be her friend again, you'd remember the betrayal every single time you saw her, and that's not healthy for either of you.

You've cut ties, my vote is leave them cut. You've made your peace with her, I can't think of anything else you could do beyond that. She can't undo what she did, you can't forget it.

Sorry if this is too honest.

[BookstoreEscapee]

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

Um, nothing.

This is someone who helped cause sooo much hurt and pain in my life, i went through the most horrible time of my life with loneliness, depression and other things I dont want to mention as a direct result of this incident.

This is also someone you've shared a good bit of your past with, was like family, etc., etc. It's understandable that you might have mixed feelings, especially after some time has passed and things have settled down and been worked out between you and your husband. I don't blame you for being wary of rekindling the friendship, but it's still a loss of someone who was important to you. That's hard. I've been there (different details, similar feelings).

I like the letter idea; I've done that too and it can be very helpful. Get your thoughts out on paper. You can organize your thinking and get out whatever it is you want to say. Whether you send it to her, or file it away somewhere to look at later, or burn it in the fireplace is up to you.

[Camry178]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. She was your friend longer than he's been your husband. They both played equal parts in your hurt. So being that you were able to get back to a happy place with your husband, you should try to do the same with your friend.

Good Luck and lots of hugs!

[Nyoibo]

I have no idea who first said it but the phrase "You can love someone, but you don't have to like them" comes to mind here.

[Jester]

...honest assholish (jester? ).

You called?

A lot of what I might have said has been said already, but I am going to put my thoughts out there anyway.

Your friend betrayed you way back when, yes. She was not the only one. TWO people betrayed you at that time, as two people who had an obligation and a commitment to you violated the trust of your relationships with them. You found it in your heart, for whatever reason, to forgive one of them and move forward with that relationship. Why, my friend, do you think something is wrong with you for missing the other one? After all, while she did call you pain, so did your husband, who is still--as you pointed out--your husband. However, she also was a good friend of yours for many years, so why wouldn't you miss her?

Look, I am not going to tell you what to do, as what *I* would do is something different. I am, after all, a vindictive prick, and I don't forgive betrayal very well, if at all. But if you feel the need to open a dialogue with this woman, I say "why the hell not?" You have already said you have forgiven her, and you have forgiven your husband and moved forward in life with him with, apparently, no negative repercussions. Why not test the waters with her as well? If it turns out that she is still a backstabbing turd splatter well, then, you can dump her out of your life again. But I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to miss this person who was once such an important part of your life, nor to want her back in that life. I say give it a whirl.

Though you might want to duct tape your husband's lips together first.

[blas]

It'd be better if she duct taped his dick to his upper thigh. Then ripped it off.

But in all seriousness, there are times I look back at ex friends and I miss them. Even if we parted on bad terms, I remember fun times, laughs, parties....and I miss them. It's natural. Completely natural. Do NOT beat yourself up over doing what EVERYONE does...reminising.

[draftermatt]

I don't think the question is "Can I forgive her" because it seems you've already done so, and forgiven your husband too.

I think the question you should be asking yourself is "can I trust her?"

It seems your husband must have earned back (most of) your trust, but could you leave them alone in a room together?

I can't and won't tell you to write to her, message her, etc. because only you can make that decision and know that it's the one that you wanted to make.

[Amina516]

Long..once again

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Blas wins the "best advice of the year award".! It might have progressed to that had they done more than kiss. Jester, Jaded car guy..that was not too harsh. I need some true life, but feeling hurtable advice. lol.

If I can be honest with all my viewers here, it is NOT usual for me to forgive. I hold grudges FOREVER, no lie. Its taken a lot of time and Ive changed a bit to, to be able to trust my husband and progress to the point where I can tell this girl that I forgive her.

He will be the first to tell you, however, that I am still a bitter bitch about it and sometimes I use it against him or say shit to piss him off. I know, thats not exactly healthy but I cant really help it. Some people would say "then you really didnt forgive him." I believe i did, its just my own brand. As far as trusting him, I dont 100% b/c when I did, he fucked up..so no more..and he knows this, its something he's willing to live with.

So, im still unsure if I want to open communication with her or not. I had another dream about her last night, and would appreciated if my unconsious mind would stop fucking with me.

A friend at school suggested i write her, tell her the bullet points of what i want her to know and leave her with my phone number. He, like some of you, said If I forgave him and am still with him..that maybe she also be allowed.

So, my next question to all of you...say I do open up communication again, what the hell should I do about my husband? Would I leave them alone together, no..but I cant help but think there'd be major awkwardness there between them. I still dont know.. but I do feel better now that I've shared.

[Jester]

This is going to sound harsh, but I can no longer offer advice to you, as you have stepped into an area that I just can't go. And I'll tell you why.

I, like you, hold grudges, some would say to an unhealthy degree. And I rarely forgive. Admittedly, it has to be something that REALLY pisses me off to get to that point, but once I am at that point, thank you, goodbye, not nice knowing you, LATER. I am, after all, the same guy who once did not speak to his younger sister for two years due to something she did that pissed him off. Yeah.

But I can understand forgiving people who wronged you. It was only two years, after all, that I didn't speak to said sister, and that was ages ago. As in, high school graduation time ages ago. What I can't understand is that two people betrayed you, two people with obligations of trust to you, and yet you only forgave (honestly) one. Your husband. Frankly, in my mind, he was the one with the larger obligation to you, and thus his betrayal was larger in the grand scheme of things. The fact that you can let him back in your life but not her? This smacks of hypocrisy to me, and it is beyond what I can understand or advise about. It may not be intentional hypocrisy, as emotions can do funny things to us humans, and I don't want anyone to view this as a personal attack--it most certainly is NOT!--but as I said, your mind is now in a place I just cannot fathom, so any advice I might offer would not apply.

Good luck with it all working out. I think I gave you the best advice I could in my earlier post. For the rest of this, I am going to take a back seat and just watch.

Jester out.

[Amina516]

This is going to sound harsh, but I can no longer offer advice to you, as you have stepped into an area that I just can't go. And I'll tell you why.

I, like you, hold grudges, some would say to an unhealthy degree. And I rarely forgive. Admittedly, it has to be something that REALLY pisses me off to get to that point, but once I am at that point, thank you, goodbye, not nice knowing you, LATER. I am, after all, the same guy who once did not speak to his younger sister for two years due to something she did that pissed him off. Yeah.

But I can understand forgiving people who wronged you. It was only two years, after all, that I didn't speak to said sister, and that was ages ago. As in, high school graduation time ages ago. What I can't understand is that two people betrayed you, two people with obligations of trust to you, and yet you only forgave (honestly) one. Your husband. Frankly, in my mind, he was the one with the larger obligation to you, and thus his betrayal was larger in the grand scheme of things. The fact that you can let him back in your life but not her? This smacks of hypocrisy to me, and it is beyond what I can understand or advise about. It may not be intentional hypocrisy, as emotions can do funny things to us humans, and I don't want anyone to view this as a personal attack--it most certainly is NOT!--but as I said, your mind is now in a place I just cannot fathom, so any advice I might offer would not apply.

Good luck with it all working out. I think I gave you the best advice I could in my earlier post. For the rest of this, I am going to take a back seat and just watch.

Jester out.

No offense taken. I see that I am a walking contradiction (as my husband calls me). I just kinda feel I forgave her, ok and now she knows it. Im sure for years shes just thought that I hated her..which i did for a while, I also hated him though (and wished he would die)..but what would be gained by introducing her back into my life? thats kinda where Im stuck now.

And I agree that my husband had the bigger obligation, but I was also obligated to him..we already had a child by the time this had happened, so regardless of what the outcome of this would have been, he STILL would have been in my life. It broke my sons heart to see daddy move out. That if more than anything else, was the deciding factor in letting him back home, besides the fact that he wouldve had no where to live with his mom moving.

I thank you for reading though...if you dont answer this, its ok! I understand its a fucked up situation and that I may be just complicating it, or am being unfair. I dont really feel as if i have to be fair to either of them to be honest (and I can only do what i Think will make me happy..im a selfish biatch? lol) , but I think that telling her "youre forgiven" is a big step even if theres nothing else behind it such as friendship.

Would it make you feel better if you had majorly fucked up and someone forgave you but still kept the severed ties? (anyone can answer that.)

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, we tend to forget pain (at least, we forget just how raw and awful it is when it's fresh) but we don't forget love.

I've kicked friends out of my life. I still think about them. I didn't kick them out because I stopped loving them. I didn't and still haven't. I still think about them. I kicked them out because they were doing serious damage to my life.

Way I see it is, you can forgive her, and it's great that you can be that big and rise above the pain they caused you. And it's great that she apologized to you.

However, if it were me, I'd not let her back into my life. Not because I would carry a grudge. But because I have learned that I can't trust her.

That's a lesson I only have to learn once. I mean, you technically can't trust your husband, either, but it sounds like you're working it out and that's good. You're giving him the benefit of the doubt. As far as you know it's over, he's not a habitual cheater, and after all he IS your husband, so it's appropriate to work through it.

However, why tempt fate?

Do you really want to add the complication of throwing the temptation to do it again into the already complicated situation of your trying to work through this betrayal? It's not worth the risk, just because you remember good times with her. In my opinion, you should part friends...but you should part.

[Peppergirl]

I'll keep this short and sweet:

I've been through this to a certain degree.

I was young and stupid and forgave the guy, but ditched the friend. Few years later (before internet) she sent me a card and we started talking again and became best friends.

You guessed it. She did it again, different guy.

Needless to say, the above explains why I am considered a bad-assed, heartless bitch. Because one of the few times I let my guard down, I ALWAYS, but ALWAYS live to regret it. Therefore, the bad-assed, heartless bitch facade is up, never to be let down again.


Be careful and good luck. I just wanted you to see a POV from someone who has been there.

[blas]

You're not alone, PepperElf. The few people whom I have given a second chance to have proven in the end to have not deserved it at all and didn't change their colors at all.

I have also been called a cold hearted bitch or whatever have you, and I don't really care. You gotta protect yourself and your own feelings.