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Now the preface, I say now because I'm writing this last, this all started because I took a walk outside, while I was outside a heavy mist rolled in making it one of the most serene and surreal nights I've ever experienced, I ended up sitting in the middle of a paddock surrounded by mist and moonlight with a sense of being the only being in existence, it was an almost magical moment, and the first thing that came into my head was this was a moment I wish someone was here to share with me, which started me down a long and winding path of thinking which lead me to write this. Which leads me to why I'm posting this, something that is written is meant to be read if it is not meant to be read, why write it, save the time and energy and think it, to write something is to immortalise it for others, you already know what it is, you write it so you hope others can understand. I would also ask you to forgive the rambling nature of this, I started writing and it all just came out, from mind to keyboard to notepad, and not much filter anywhere in there.
On this night more than any other I felt alone, I know I'm not really alone, I have friends and family, but at the same time I am, I have few friends and even less family. I only have a few friends I see once a week, and only one I sometimes see more than once a week, and the only family I have that I see more than a couple of times a year is my mother. On this particular night I realise that I've been more or less alone for most of my life, all through school I was a loner how never really had more than one or two friends, I never had kids over and never went to other kids places, I never got invited to parties. When I left school I had pretty much no friends, the only time I would even see other people sometimes was when I went to work, I could and did go for days, even at times weeks without any human contact except for a conversation or two with my mother. Then my sister was born, there was this person in the world that I had to meet, so I went to the US (Haruka, if this somehow survives and you ever read it, you were the first motivation for your big brother to ever do something kiddo, pretty impressive thing to manage at only a couple of months old) Suddenly I find myself for the first time with more friends than I can count on one hand, good friends, but I still think that maybe they don't really like me that much, that they're just putting up with me, that really I'm just the guy that can't take the hint to fuck off, I guess not because they seemed happy to hang out with me all summer. And then I came home, and nothing happened, for 9 months nothing happened except I got nine months older. Then I went back to the US, as you could expect after nine months with almost no contact, I had grown apart from my friends, friendships were renewed, although not as close as we had been, except for one, where we were closer than we had been before, I made new friends too, but again, or still, there was the feeling that I was "that guy" again, then I got fired, to be fair, I did some stupid things, but I won't get into it unless someone really wants me to (that is if someone reads this). Then I bought a car and came back, maybe not the brightest thing to do, but there were people I wanted to say goodbye to and I'd left stuff behind that I hadn't had a chance to get before I left, the only thing I can offer in my defense was the recent death of my grandmother had left me with a not entirely rational though pattern, while there I'm pretty sure I did become "that guy", my firends did seem to me to be avoiding me somewhat at least. Now jump forward a bit, I'm back home and back to the same routine, same few friends, although now I don't have a job, so I do go for days without seeing anyone but my mother, a bit further forward and nothing much has changed, I joined a medieval recreation group but of the people there I would only consider one of them to be my friend.
This whole feeling of being alone has shaped my life a fair bit, out of fear of ruining a friendship and being even more alone I've not taken chances I've kept feelings to myself and not said things I've wanted to say, which in and of itself has probably left me more alone, "well then do something about it stupid" I hear the cry in the background, but at alsmost 26 a lot of behaviours and such are ingrained, and I'm not sure I know how to chance them or do something about it, which leaves me felling I will be alone for the rest of my life and that scares me, because being alone is strangely enough, damn lonely.
Now the reason I wrote this, one of the problems of being alone is you have no one to talk to, but keeping this shit bottled up inside isn't really healthy, having been dealing with depression for years one way or another I thought I'd try something different and let it out, we'll see how that works.
On this night more than any other I felt alone, I know I'm not really alone, I have friends and family, but at the same time I am, I have few friends and even less family. I only have a few friends I see once a week, and only one I sometimes see more than once a week, and the only family I have that I see more than a couple of times a year is my mother. On this particular night I realise that I've been more or less alone for most of my life, all through school I was a loner how never really had more than one or two friends, I never had kids over and never went to other kids places, I never got invited to parties. When I left school I had pretty much no friends, the only time I would even see other people sometimes was when I went to work, I could and did go for days, even at times weeks without any human contact except for a conversation or two with my mother. Then my sister was born, there was this person in the world that I had to meet, so I went to the US (Haruka, if this somehow survives and you ever read it, you were the first motivation for your big brother to ever do something kiddo, pretty impressive thing to manage at only a couple of months old) Suddenly I find myself for the first time with more friends than I can count on one hand, good friends, but I still think that maybe they don't really like me that much, that they're just putting up with me, that really I'm just the guy that can't take the hint to fuck off, I guess not because they seemed happy to hang out with me all summer. And then I came home, and nothing happened, for 9 months nothing happened except I got nine months older. Then I went back to the US, as you could expect after nine months with almost no contact, I had grown apart from my friends, friendships were renewed, although not as close as we had been, except for one, where we were closer than we had been before, I made new friends too, but again, or still, there was the feeling that I was "that guy" again, then I got fired, to be fair, I did some stupid things, but I won't get into it unless someone really wants me to (that is if someone reads this). Then I bought a car and came back, maybe not the brightest thing to do, but there were people I wanted to say goodbye to and I'd left stuff behind that I hadn't had a chance to get before I left, the only thing I can offer in my defense was the recent death of my grandmother had left me with a not entirely rational though pattern, while there I'm pretty sure I did become "that guy", my firends did seem to me to be avoiding me somewhat at least. Now jump forward a bit, I'm back home and back to the same routine, same few friends, although now I don't have a job, so I do go for days without seeing anyone but my mother, a bit further forward and nothing much has changed, I joined a medieval recreation group but of the people there I would only consider one of them to be my friend.
This whole feeling of being alone has shaped my life a fair bit, out of fear of ruining a friendship and being even more alone I've not taken chances I've kept feelings to myself and not said things I've wanted to say, which in and of itself has probably left me more alone, "well then do something about it stupid" I hear the cry in the background, but at alsmost 26 a lot of behaviours and such are ingrained, and I'm not sure I know how to chance them or do something about it, which leaves me felling I will be alone for the rest of my life and that scares me, because being alone is strangely enough, damn lonely.
Now the reason I wrote this, one of the problems of being alone is you have no one to talk to, but keeping this shit bottled up inside isn't really healthy, having been dealing with depression for years one way or another I thought I'd try something different and let it out, we'll see how that works.
I'm not one of those people who make friends with all kinds of people, but I do have a small group of "core" good friends that I can joke with, poke fun at, and accept jibes from.
Not afraid of who I am, nor do I need to pretend I'm something I'm not.
). I never had that feeling in elementary school. I wasn't part of the "popular" group but I had my little group of friends and I never questioned that. When we got to middle school, things changed, and I withdrew. I got a bit better through high school, and got to college and again developed my little group of friends, though again, I wasn't the most well-known of people. But the ability to just be a part of the group without questioning my friends' true feelings about me was gone.
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