Wedding Stress!

[katie kaboom]

So as i've mentioned a few times on here, i'm getting married this summer. We're knee deep in wedding planning and it's stressful enough as it is....

when your mother is a control freak? multiply the normal amount of stress by 1,000 and that's how i feel right now. Just for once in my life i would like to be able to do something, anything, without my mother interfering and trying to run things her way. It's my wedding, my fiance and i are paying for it, and my mother had 2 weddings of her own. So for the love of god why won't she just give me peace while i plan what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why does she have to try and take over everything and make decisions that aren't hers to make?

I am just so mad right now, i can barely even type this post. Tonight, for the first time since we got engaged, i am seriously thinking about calling off the wedding and just eloping, which is what my fiance wanted to do in the first place. And dammit, i should have listened to him. But silly me, i wanted a wedding.

Right now, though, all i want is a stiff drink.

[Pedersen]

Get the stiff drink (and make it a double).

Then call your mother and inform her that, if she does not let you plan your wedding without her demanding everything she can demand, that she won't get a wedding at all. Tell her you're thinking of eloping. And if she wants to be there at your wedding, she will now sit down, shut the hell up, and play nice.

Or she loses it all entirely.

And then stick to that.

[Lachrymose]

Just for once in my life i would like to be able to do something, anything, without my mother interfering and trying to run things her way. It's my wedding, my fiance and i are paying for it, and my mother had 2 weddings of her own. So for the love of god why won't she just give me peace while i plan what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why does she have to try and take over everything and make decisions that aren't hers to make?

This. Tell her.

Maybe a bit more diplomatically since I know you're venting here.

[tropicsgoddess]

I agree with the other two posts. Your mom should know it's your and your fiance's day, NOT hers. She already had hers. Let her know that diplomatically as possible and if she doesn't want to play by the rules, then elope. Here's a few stiff ones for ya.

[Kiwi]

How about you give her a pet project (setting up the name card table and making sure everyone signs the guest book etc)

then tell her in your firmest voice that while this thing is hers TOTALLY to do as she pleases with, it will be her ONLY influence on the wedding.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

This. Tell her.

Maybe a bit more diplomatically since I know you're venting here.

Screw diplomacy. Tell her to butt the hell out. Get Bridzilla on her. Probably make you feel a whole lot better, and better on a controlling mom than an innocent bakery chef.

[Jester]

A lot of times the parents of the bride can get their way because they are footing the bill, and the bride has trouble telling them off because of this.

But you said you and your fiance are paying for it. Which means that your mother is being a pest, not because she is signing the checks, but because, to be frank, you are letting her.

It is time to be an adult, and tell your mother to back off NOW. Your wedding, your day, your money, your deal. NOT hers. If she doesn't like it, she can go piss up a rope.

Back when I was engaged to The Brit, we went to Lil Sis's wedding. Lil Sis had my older sister, The Witch, helping with a lot of the details. The Witch is very good at this stuff, but will steamroll over people. (The folks at the restaurant, for example, were severely LESS than fond of her.) The Witch also managed to completely alienate The Brit upon meeting her. On the way back to Key West, The Brit turned to me and asked, "Please tell me that woman will not be involved in the planning of our wedding." I said, "She'll be lucky to be a fucking guest." But as I went about the planning, I had an idea. I contacted my best friend, Neets, and told her that one of her jobs at my wedding would be to keep The Witch under control. I authorized Neets to go Super Bitch if necessary, and informed her that no one, including The Witch's husband, would have a problem with this.

I tell you this with the idea that you might want to have someone designated to rope your mother in after you tell her, firmly, to bugger off. Because from what you said, even after you tell her, even if you tell her very firmly, she is still going to try to stick her fingers in the pie.

Also, you may want to tell your vendors (DJ, the hall, minister, caterer, etc.) that they are to take orders from you and your fiance only, and to ignore anything your mother may try to do behind your back.

But it all starts with you standing up to her, which you need to do pretty much yesterday.

[calulu]

Take my advice and elope immediately. Because if you don't she's going to get crazier and more interfering leading up to the big day no matter how much you insist she back off. Or have her committed to a mental institute. Something, anything!

My mother did the same thing and it got so bad she showed up at the very formal wedding wearing a plunging red satin dress, very attention whory on my big day. She ruined all the family photos and complained, carped, spoiled everything that wasn't done her way.

[McGoddess09]

I agree with Kiwi.

Give her some small thing to do, nothing big. It will make her happy and you happy. Then later on, she can't complain that she didn't get to do anything.

Your mother is trying to live through you, hoping to correct the mistakes that she made. My mom does the same thing, but instead of weddings, it's Prom and Homecoming.

But remember, it is YOUR day. It's all about YOU.

Good luck! I bet the wedding will be beautiful!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

It's kind of hard for me to give advice, because I really don't know exactly what the situation is, but yeah, once again, Jester is right on.

She's not paying, so you really don't even need to talk to her about it. So for the most part, don't.

She is, however, your mom, so she wants to be involved and that's understandable. So someone here suggested just give a pet project or two. That's a good idea. It will keep her involved without putting her in charge.

You have to take charge and hold onto being in charge. If you have trouble with that, hire a wedding director and let her know what's going on and let HER handle it.

I was all too happy to let my mom manage the whole affair, but then, my mom is not overbearing. She's helpful. She made sure she knew what I wanted and then made it happen. It was nice. I get the idea this is not the situation with your mom. What is she doing exactly? Is she overriding your wishes with vendors and whatnot?

If you want a wedding, don't elope. You will regret it down the line and you will end up resenting your mom for it, which won't help your relationship. And ultimately, it won't be your mom's fault if you don't get a wedding. It will be yours, as you are paying. The onus is on you to take charge. People have trouble doing this with their parents, but sometimes you have to force yourself out of that pattern of behavior that has you at their mercy.

[AdminAssistant]

A neighbor who had gone to school for interior design and such offered to serve as Big Sis's wedding 'manager' as her wedding gift. Sis did all of the initial planning, neighbor coordinated the decorating, the rehearsal, and the various events on the wedding day (show the photographer where to go, gather people for pictures, handle florist, bakers, make sure the reception hall was set up, making sure the groomsmen put on their tuxes properly and didn't wear their cowboy hats, etc.) Do you have an extremely organized friend who you could pass the baton to? Maid of honor?

I don't know what your relationship in general with your Mom is. Mine is pretty good, and I'm really excited about her being part and parcel of the whole shebang. Don't alienate your mom. You need to talk to her about how you feel that you're being left out of the process. I agree with the ideas of giving her a few projects. But keep her in the loop. I mean, it's your Mom.

[LibraryLady]

Don't let them get to you, Katy!

RELAX (eleventy) (she screams at the top of her lungs)

You're paying for your own Wedding. You can do it the way you want.

My Wedding dress was a knee-length cotton thing from Alexanders. It cost 40 USD in 1983. My veil cost more. It was an elbow-length-veil with red ribbons and cost 60 USD. My shoes were simple pumps and cost 10 USD. The colors of the flowers were dictated by a dress my MOH had in her closet. We weren't thinking about a BWW.

We were thinking about treating our guests well. Our reception was held at the old 'Cookie's' in Brooklyn. We paid for an open bar for an hour. We didn't have canapes but guests could make use off the soup and salad bar. When it came time to eat, people just sat down where they wanted and were served an excellent dinner of steak, chicken or fish. We didn't have to worry about Vegan diets in 1983.

FIL pulled off the great coup. My family had leased a van for the day to bring my relatives to and from the Wedding. FIL saw the driver eating a sandwich in the vehicle and decided he deserved better. FIL brought the driver inside, gave money to the owner and said that this man was to be treated just like any other guest at our Wedding and given his choice of meals. FIL knew that the kitchen could easily do another meal of steak, chicken or fish.

The driver was African-American. He sat down between Irish-German people and Chinese-Mongolian people. Everybody had a decent meal and a wonderful time.

When the van was ready to leave, the driver said that this was the only time he'd been invited to join the party. He left with a full stomach, a good tip and polaroid pictures as a souvenir.

Some years later, our niece was getting married. Her Wedding was more formal than ours but it was great fun. After the ceremony. she pulled me aside and told me that she wanted to form her Wedding on ours because our Wedding was the best she remembered from her Teen-aged years.

[dalesys]

I will strongly recommend reading Robert Fulghum's books for his stories of weddings gone wrong... and right... and relationship maintenance that I wish I'd had.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It
Uh-Oh
Maybe (Maybe Not)
From Beginning to End -- The Rituals of Our Lives
True Love
Words I Wish I Wrote
"What On Earth Have I Done"

[Jester]

... once again, Jester is right on.

I can't decide whether this makes me smile or worry.

[depechemodefan]

There's a website called Etiquette Hell that has a lot of wedding stories. Most of the stories ends with the mother/mil dressed in an inappropriate dress (see-through, red cocktail dress, white dress-her wedding dress) I hope your mom decide that would be a good way to take over. http://www.etiquettehell.com/content...s/wicked.shtml