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He married her! (long)

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  • He married her! (long)

    Years ago (about 7) my district manager and I "clicked." Very well. We became friends outside of work a little and then when that store closed, more so. I moved closer to his area for grad school, he helped me look at apartments and then asked me to be a main person in the new top-level store that was opening which I accepted. We kept things very well separate at work despite the dinners out or hanging out at each other's places.

    Along the way I learn that a girl in two of my classes actually knew him (neither were originally from the area although their hometowns were close to each others). Their moms were good friends and they had taken to going to church together. M thought it was great that I was interested in J (even though I thought since before my store had closed that I saw evidence he was interested in me, he hadn't ever shown interest in developing a relationship beyond what we had) because that would take off the pressure from her mom for them to get together.

    My dad died that winter suddenly right after Christmas. After my mom and sister came up to tell me, he was the one I called. He came the 20 min just to see me for 10 min before we all left. He never knew my dad or my family. I spent New Year's at his place, I couldn't handle being at my mom's (parents had divorced 2 years prior but were still close). He took such good care of me, previewed the movies he rented, even! Just held me the next morning, then went to the calling hours and the friend/family get together after. About a week after the funeral, I pushed it beyond the "friends" relationship. He had wanted it as much as I did but felt we couldn't go there because of the work thing.

    It only lasted about 2 months, he wasn't 100% but was pretty sure he didn't want kids and I do, there were other things too although the kids was the main one. He also really wanted to get married soon so if he thought that there was any reason why we wouldn't eventually get married, he didn't want to waste time. Understandably hard as hell to deal with. Things were fine at work - I was one of the top 3 performers in the district that year despite everything with my dad and eventually dropping out of grad school. Outside of work, he "needed space."

    M became my contact, gave me info, let me know what was going on when J didn't - I admit he was a wuss and sometimes seemed to let her tell me that he didn't want to talk for a while, etc. I understood his position, but he was my best friend in the area and my main support while I was trying to keep things together for my mom and sister. I didn't care that he "needed time to move on," if it was that hard for him to move on, isn't that telling him something?

    The next year coming up on Christmas and all of those other anniversary dates, my mom decides we should get out of there and go a few states away to visit friends who were former neighbors. I like them ok, but was worried about an extended time. I was going to go to M's family (who I hadn't met) for the 2nd 1/2 of the time that my mom and sister were at our friends. Until around Thanksgiving, suddenly I can't come and a brushoff reason. Didn't hear much from M during this time which she blamed on grad school, etc.


    Then right when I am getting back, she is insistent on seeing me for something to eat. Yeah, you probably guessed it - they had been dating for about 2 months and wanted to get through the holidays before telling me. Great, on the 1 year anniversary of the funeral. Great timing. I tried to stick around, things "just happened" between them etc. Eventually put down a $20 and walked out. Never spoke to her again. I am probably one of the few people who have ever called their District Manager a "fucking bastard" in a voicemail and still had a job the next day.

    I left that job later that summer for another one that lead to a 2nd and then to where I am now (a real career, which I am extremely thankful for). Limited contact with him since I told him I was quitting. I had a bunch of stuff for him that I tried to give to him but he had moved on to a new job also and a new address not even 2 weeks before. Also I had asked him for a reference for this job because our company only gives job pay structures which in no way described what I did (I was #2 for the store and #1 person in the photo lab). He refused. Luckily my store manager was still in the district and moved back to his home state (Alaska!) not even a month later. Without that reference from that company, I wouldn't have made it through the background check.

    Come to find out recently that our store that he opened about 5 years ago and hired me to is closing. Most of the company is actually, I've found out now that they filed for Bankruptcy. I emailed him last month to let him know and w/a double-meaning comment about "things that could have been." It bounced back.

    So I was doing some people searches tonight. I have in the past, I had a pretty good idea of where he lives. Was thinking about mailing a quick note even though there's no way he doesn't know about the bankruptcy. And in one of the searches, something turns up that had never before. SHE is one of his relatives. And it's not as a sister-in-law. I know it's her, she has a more unusual name and it's the right middle initial too. Granted, she doesn't show up in any of the address searches so maybe it was short lived.

    But I just can't believe it. When I first met her and made the connection, they both said they weren't interested in the other in any way. And let me just say that they each had some things that the other had told me they didn't like in someone of the opposite sex.

    He has always been "the one that got away" for me. Two months might not seem like anything but we had known each other for 1.5-2 years at that point and were essentially doing dating type things for months before we made it more official. And add in the whole family-dad drama and yeah, that two months was warp speed intense.

    I have been missing him more and more - this next month is as bad as Christmas time, if not worse. This coming Friday would be my dad's birthday. Then my 30th is mid-June, always right before or the same day as Father's Day. Add in that my maternal grandma died right after Thanksgiving this past year making Mother's Day (always right after his birthday) harder for her and my sister's recent engagement bringing up all the things missing our dad, and I'm dreading the next 6 weeks.

    But to learn this? I'm heartbroken. In reality, deep down I guess I did know that it would never happen. But I always kind of thought he was my "lobster." Even with the lack of dating (I think I've had 5 first dates and one short relationship although he is now a friend - who moved all of the way across the country 2 years ago) there is always that thought that "maybe it could work this time if we got back in touch." It hurts enough to lose him as a friend and that link to everything that happened in the time leading up to and after losing my dad, but to learn that he married HER?

    I'm sorry, I know this is really long and all whiny-drama but the background is so involved that even this doesn't give the full picture. And of course it's too late at night to call anyone, although I'm not sure even who I'd call. I haven't had that one true friend since I lost him. A lot of good ones, but not the same.

  • #2
    Sweetheart, it wasn't meant to be and he moved on. Through out all of this it looked like to me that you were looking for apology from either of them. They tried to do it early in the relationship with the dinner and you refused the apology then.

    It's time to let him go and it's time to move on from him. He's moved, She's moved, they are together.

    So the big question.... Are you happy of him or jealous of her?

    Comment


    • #3
      something stood out for me... that for a while you were getting your updates through M (her?) and not from him directly.

      it never works when it's going like that. a relationship has to be between the two of you and not through a third person.

      If a man doesn't want to talk to you, he should tell you himself without going through another woman. he might be afraid to hurt you but in the long run only hinting at it and telling you through other people... it just drags things out longer than it needs to be.

      i would suggest don't try talking to him unless you're required to for work etc. ... just thinking back to my own experiences... a friend I had (I'll call him L) where the friendship died. Before the relationship totally died I had "signals" from other people, people who would tell me "L doesn't want to be friend with you" etc. I always assumed those people were just hating and trying to be jerks by making things harder on me... In the end it was true. L didn't want a relationship, he just didn't have the balls to say it himself.

      I had some emails I'd sent him before the relationship died. They were marked 'deleted unread'. If I ever tried talking to him - unless it was directly work related - he would act like I didn't exist.

      It took a long time to heal, partly because I was still around him. It wasn't until I left the area that the wounds finally healed.


      but back to your relationship... I know it hurts, it wouldn't if you didn't care. I just know what it's like to keep trying to talk to someone you miss... only to have them shove you away or refuse to acknowledge you.

      and ... if he's still married, it's best to not talk to him at all, not if you still have feelings for him. I know you miss him but he's with her and trying to get back with him - even as friends - might only lead him to point that out to you in a rather harsh way.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Aethian View Post
        S

        So the big question.... Are you happy of him or jealous of her?
        Jealous. Pure and simple. I was friends with her yes, but that was as much circumstance as anything else. She was shallow, a slut who prided herself on her "pureness" and waiting until marriage, self-centered, hypocritical, egotistical and thought she was better than everyone else because she was a med student, shall I go on? Even when we were friends, she didn't count in my top 5 - and 4 of them lived states away! (He was the one there, of course.) I just can't believe they ended up together.

        And it wasn't an apology dinner when she told me - only her, not him too - it was a "this is what's going on in my life." A reason for why she was suddenly so distant. No apology. She actually thought I would be fine with it. This was not even three months after I had to talk her out of essentially stalking her ex.

        I haven't worked with him for years. They live nearly 2 states away now. And the updates from her after he ended things was more because initially he wanted to still be close then he pulled away with no explanation. She had to tell me that it was "just too hard for him" at that point (that was months before they got together). And I wanted to know how his grandma was doing, she had been in a serious car wreck right before it all ended. Things like that.

        I know at this point there's no chance even to be friends anymore. And I'm mourning that as much as the potential fantasy possible relationship again. He was the last friend who really knew me, soulmates even just as friends. We clicked nearly immediately on meeting. And he was so integral to that time with my dad's death, it's like I'm losing all the pieces of my life from then.

        Don't get me wrong, he wasn't perfect. I'd tell him to park in the back lot, he'd park in the front. And he is allergic to cats.

        Comment


        • #5
          There's no need to dwell on it. An ex is an ex for a reason.

          I have been "traded" in before as well, and even if I feel hurt and bitter at first, eventually I realize that they are probably meant for one another. I realize that there are plenty of guys out there who would love a chance with me, and wouldn't trade me in on something shinier, thinner, taller, etc.
          You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Reyneth View Post
            Jealous.
            Right....

            Someone call Jester, this is right up his alley.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Aethian View Post
              Right....

              Someone call Jester, this is right up his alley.
              Yeah, I had figured he would weigh in here at some point!

              Some of the shock has worn off and I am remembering a lot of his flaws now too so that helps to put things into perspective. I just never expected to see her name matched with his even if I really did know (but didn't want to admit) that there was no chance of even being just friends any more.

              Comment


              • #8
                Jester's probably still on vacation/recovering from vacation.
                "Even arms dealers need groceries." ~ Ziva David, NCIS

                Tony: "Everyone's counting on you, just do what you do best."
                Abby: "Dance?" ~ NCIS

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth AdminAssistant View Post
                  Jester's probably still on vacation/recovering from vacation.
                  ...causing a need for vacation in others...

                  What?

                  On a more serious note, are you going to let someone else's happiness make you angry? The other part is that you're beating yourself up because they don't want to be around you.

                  Who's actually losing out here? Ask yourself that.

                  Short version - forget them. Ignore it. You've got your life to live for you, not for peering through their windows using army binoculars.

                  Get out there, get some new friends, and enjoy life.

                  Rapscallion

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The further I get from Sunday night, the more to terms I am with it. It was just intense shock especially since I had thought (based on the small info I had) that they hadn't lasted more than a few months. Knowing both of them, especially him as I did, I never thought it would happen.

                    Not that I would, but I realized today a good "pwnd" note would reference that award I got that year when everything happened. I was out of town and unable to go to the event, so my manger let me know the next day that I had gotten it. J *never* acknowledged it to me. (Classy, huh?) So I would love to send a note that I had learned of their change of status and Congrats would be forthcoming as soon as he congratulated and gave recognition of that award to me. That I wished them all the consideration that they ever showed me. Just that thought makes me laugh and start to move on further to forgetting them.

                    Don't get me wrong, I want him to be happy. Her, not as much. And if they're happy together, whatever. But I'm still hoping Karma eventually kicks in.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Ask and ye shall receive.

                      Now, I know as much as anyone how tough it can be to let go of a lost love. I get that.

                      That being said, stop. Just. Fucking. Stop.

                      You talk about how much you miss him, blah blah blah, yes he had flaws, blah blah blah. Bullshit. Dude was a scuzball for the way he treated you. Not "he had flaws." He was a jerk. Period. He dumped you without having the balls to tell you the truth, then got together with your friend. Frankly, they both disgust me.

                      But this is not about them. This is about you. So again, stop. And what do I mean by stop?

                      Stop sending him emails. For any reason. The gloating ones, by the way, are both petty and childish, especially for someone who is in their 30's.
                      Stop doing name searches for either of them.
                      Stop finding out what is going on in their lives.
                      Stop asking about them.
                      Stop wondering about them.
                      Stop thinking about them.
                      Stop worrying about their lives, and get the fuck on with your own.

                      Move. The Fuck. ON.

                      Yes, he was there for you at a time when you needed him. You have some good memories of that. Hold on to those memories and cherish them. But just because he happened to be good for you then does NOT make you two soulmates. Soulmates do not do the shit he did.

                      Move. The Fuck. ON!!!

                      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                      Still A Customer."

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks, Jester. I am in that process right now. It is better to know this so I really can close that chapter for good. It's going to take more than 3 days to get over nearly 8 years of history though. No valid email address exists any more. I'm not going to send anything or attempt any contact, but thinking about how I could be subtly snarky, even if I wouldn't, did give me the best laugh I've had in a week.

                        Yes, he was a jackass. But we humans do tend to forgive things too easily in people that we love. And I did love him. Which is already turning into indifference.

                        I am transitioning him from "the one that got away" status to "not good enough for me anyway" category.

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