I made a mistake. (Romance, seeking advice)

[SorryIsGoodEnough]

Mmk. In a thread I opened a couple months ago, I talked about how I couldn't see myself staying with the same person for the rest of my life. Growing old together and whatnot. The man that I was talking about in that thread...

Well, he's coming. He lives in England, I live in the USA. He won't give me the exact date, but it's before my 22nd birthday, which is in January. I would be ecstatic, except for two things:

1) I still don't know how I feel about that kind of commitment
and
2) I think I'm in love with someone else.

I still love J, really I do. He's been there for me online for 5 years, through the worst of my teen years, always telling me how brilliant I am when I felt like the world wished I had never been born. He'll always be special to me for that.

The other man, I'll call him GIATZ, (I mentioned him in the Dear...thread once or twice...) is amazing. He's so handsome and charming and intelligent and challenging, and I talk to him way more than I do J. They say that the biggest predictor of romance is familiarity and, well...

I don't think, even without J, that GIATZ and I would ever be a couple. But should I tell J about him? If so, should I tell him before or after he's already here?

[Taboo]

Relax and just see how it goes. It's one meeting. It might be a really good meeting, and maybe you'll decide what you want to do - but it's still just one meeting. You're not going to be asked to sign a contract or get married on the spot. I've found that people can be very different in person than online. Not intentionally, no, but maybe you don't like how they smell (scent is actually a very strong attractor, even though it seems subtle) or you just don't feel close when they hug you. Maybe you only feel like they're a good friend in person. It happens. It might happen with J. Or you might just be head over heels in person. You're not going to know until you meet face to face.

If you think that YOU would ever try to pursue something with GIATZ, then it should be discussed before J comes over. That's a lot of money to pay to fly over and meet someone, and if you're eager to get into a relationship with someone else, then he should know where he stands before paying all that money.

Maybe you should just tell him that you're having trouble figuring out what you want in the long term. Frankly, I'm not much younger than you and I'm in the same boat. I can't see myself committing to anyone long-term, even though I want to. I think some of this may have to do with age and not having figured it out yet. It's hard to know what you want without as much experience. Part of it may also be that he's just not the right guy for the long term. I dated a great guy a year or two ago, and I still really care about him a lot; we're very close and talk all the time. Still, even when I was with him, I already knew that it wasn't going to work out in the long term. Your doubts may just be a manifestation of your mind knowing that.

At your age, long distance to another country seems like a lot to ask for. If you meet him and you feel like it's really worth it, then sure, go for it - but if you're still unsure of what you even want, then maybe you'd be better off dating closer to home for a while until you figure it out.

You're welcome to PM me if you need more advice. I'm not trying to be condescending about the age factor, by the way, I'm actually a little younger than you. I just know that it's often more of a factor than we'd like it to be.

[smileyeagle1021]

if I may interject my entirely useless advice... I think J's prettier

[DesignFox]

I think it's dicey mostly because you've only spoken online. You've literally got an ocean between you! I think if it's worth meeting him, definitely go ahead and do so. But I wouldn't worry yourself about having to make a commitment. I mean, are you dating? Is that really possible when you've never even seen each other in person?

I say take your time. Be honest with him. You don't necessarily need to mention the other guy, but I'd be honest about your feelings in term of an exclusive relationship. If you simply don't want an exclusive relationship- tell him.

There are all different forms of love. You don't have to be romantically involved with someone to love them or care deeply about them. And on the flip side of that there are plenty of people in relationships that aren't necessarily in love with one another...

Of course, I don't know what you guys have talked about all these years. I don't really know what his expectation is by visiting you. And I don't know you or your situation. But with the vague information I have this is what I would suggest.

Good Luck! I hope you get a good friend out of the deal, and that your friendship only deepens by meeting in person if that is what you want.