UGH! MY NEIGHBOR! (Ranty)

[Red_Dazes]

She wont LEAVE ME ALONE!!

...Home is supposed to be where I can come home, shut out the world, and relax. .. WELL I CAN'T. I am constantly stressed when I am home now, which is making me take it out on everyone else.

You see... our new neighbors (he is awesome, she is not) just won't leave me alone. She comes over all the time, unannounced and uninvited.

My Beau and I are very private people. We don't really go out too much, and we don't have people over very often. I mean, if someone is coming to visit they give me a weeks notice or it doesn't happen. I am very much an introvert once I enter my home. The only people I usually see are the people I work with, everyone else (family included) is lucky if they see or hear from me every other week.

Yet every day... she comes knocking. "Can I borrow a movie" "Can I have some candy" "Can I borrow some money" "Can I see the kitty/ferret" UGH! It wasn't so bad at first... it was like once a week...and I can handle that... but it is seriously EVERY FUCKING DAY now. It's gotten so bad I turn all my lights off when I am home and tip toe around... because as soon as she hears a noise she is knocking on my door. I shouldn't have to tip toe around my OWN HOME!
And she doesn't say something like "Can I come in?" Oh gods no! As soon as the door is open even a crack she is IN my apartment. Which is a BIG No no on my list, you do not come in with out my say so. Even our Apartment MANAGER doesn't come in with out my say so.
And what's more... My cat HATES her.. she is terrified of her. Yet this lady insists on picking her up. It is to the point where Art (kitty) hides every time she hears her walking down the hall way. Even my Fat Ferret who loves EVERYTHING doesn't like her.

But she is nice... even though she is annoyingly needy... and she just wants someone to visit with... but I am close to the end of my rope here. I don't want there to be bad blood between me and her, since we are 2 of something like 7 people living in our building, I want to get along... but I don't know if I can.

She is stressing me out majorly and making me feel trapped in my house....
I just can't think of a nice way to tell her to "leave me the fuck alone"

...I feel stuck... and annoyed... and frustrated....*cries* I need my 'space' to de-stress and get balanced every day... and I don't have it anymore... it is making me neurotic and a bit depressed. I'm thinking about skipping out and staying with my mom for a weekend or so...it will be harder on gas. But at least mum gives me space.

but I am rambling now... I go sleep... night.
~Fin~

[One-Fang]

Unfortunately, we all feel like we don't want to hurt someone's feelings by being brutally honest, but the truth is she'd probably be mortified to know she was making you feel that way and you didn't say anything.

Go and knock on her door. Make a point of standing in the hall while you talk, not going in, and basically tell her how you feel. You want to be friends, you enjoy having a neighbour you can talk to, but you're not the kind of person that enjoys daily visits. You'd like her to know you're there if she needs you, you'd like to know she's there if you need her, you'd like to catch up maybe once a week and have a coffee or something, but the daily visits are just not gelling with your personal and pets life, and must stop.

[iradney]

Next time she comes over, simply say "Neighbour-lady, this is not a good time to visit. Please call ahead in future." Usher her out and close the door firmly. You don't have to be mean or nasty, just be firm.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Do you have those door chains? Engage it before opening the door, that way she CANNOT slither in.

Alternatively, you could organise a regular visit, say, every Friday the two of you can go to each other's houses for coffee, or go somewhere else (museum??) for a natter. That way, she still gets company, you get a good gossip and your privacy.

[spark]

It is possible to train most clueless, needy, overly social people to stay out of your space. It's honestly a lot like training a dog. What's already been said, mostly. Let them know they're invading your space and you don't like it.

Be polite but firm. DON'T give reasons other than "I don't want you here" though. If you say "I'm too busy right now" or ANY other reason, they will work their way around it. "Oh, I'll come back in a hour then, if you're too busy right now" they will say, and no matter what excuse or reason you offer up, they will come up with some way around it, some counter-excuse, some other way to get what they want.

You don't want to be mean to her, so you want to be "polite" by coming up with some nice little white lie, rather than telling the truth which is that you don't like her being there. That might hurt her feelings, after all. But sometimes you have to. She's doing a good bit of hurting your feelings right now, sounds like. You don't need to be rude, of course, but just "I'm sorry, you can't come in" and shut the door is MUCH more effective than having to constantly come up with fresh excuses to turn somebody away.

[ArcticChicken]

Look, she's either going to be offended or she's not.

So long as you aren't horrendously rude, what you actually say makes little to no difference.

If she's really a nice person, she'll realize she's being invasive, and it will stop

But honestly she strikes me as a self-involved little bitch. She shoves her way into your house, asks to borrow your stuff, asks for gifts, asks for money, and she barely knows you.

It could just be that she's an airhead, but either way you need to speak up for yourself.

[blas]

Do what I did.

I have a neighbor who is mentally disabled, so that's part of the reason I did it this way.

He is also very needy of attention. What he does to certain people who live in these complexes is actually pretty close to stalking. He will wait for people to be out smoking or walking to their car/the dumpster and run outside after them. He used to peep out his window at me, and if he saw me out smoking, I kid you not, 3 seconds later, he was out there. And if you don't end the conversation, he WILL NOT shut up and leave. He also is on the go all the time, so if you see his car leave, you have an hour or less before he gets back, so enjoy it while you can.

It got to the point where he tried to get into my apartment. I was too nice and didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I am DEFINETLY not qualified to properly handle the mentally handicapped. I figured, the landlord lets him live here, it's going to be the landlord's job to talk to him before he risks losing a tenant (or MORE than one, considering many people have moved away because of him). So the landlord told him to leave me alone.

He still tries to talk to me. At least seven out of every ten times I go out for a smoke, he comes outside.....and I know it's not coincidence....despite how often he comes and goes, he cannot always be coming/going every time I go outside. He still says hello...he tried to CHASE AFTER ME (running after me!) to apologize for the incident, but that's when I realized my end of the deal. Landlord warns him/writes him up, it's up to ME to make sure he has NO ammunition to keep bugging me. If I refuse to acknowledge his existence, he has no ammunition to bug me. He can keep trying all he wants, but ONE day he will stop. For now at least he's stopped with the peeping and the chasing, and all he tries to do is catch me outside at the same time as him and tries to start conversation....but ONE day he will stop. Because I will never engage him in conversation and let him think I want to talk to him again.

It's harsh, but with some people, it's the only way they ever learn that they've crossed boundaries and freaked people out and to take a step or two or three (or with him, twenty) back.

But then again, the OP's neighbor seems just needy and clingy, so OP may not even have to cut off all contact.

[Red_Dazes]

I heard them talking yesterday. She was walking towards my door...and I of course dove into the bedroom to feign that I couldn't hear the door knock. and I hear her husband down at the end of the hall saying "Hey! Leave them alone. They don't need you bugging them every day."
and she says "No no it's okay."

they went on like this for 5 min.... I got in the shower instead....>< *sigh* I am trying to get up the gusto to just say what needs to be said... but I really hate confrontation in my personal life.

[blas]

I don't care for confrontation, either. Well, actually, I think tension is a better word for it.

Just make sure you lock your door. I don't want to scare you, but you NEVER know if that chick might sometime just let herself in.

The night that my neighbor tried to get in, the door was unlocked and I was in the shower. But by some miracle, it was a night that my boyfriend was over. If he hadn't been there, that guy would have walked right in and let's just say, I'd be sporting a blaze orange jumpsuit right now.

Keep the door locked at all times!

[RayvenQ]

If you can't approach her about it, maybe try approaching him about it.

[Kittish]

Give the hubby's exact words to her next time she comes knocking. "Hey, leave me alone! I don't need you bugging me every day!"

[AccountingDrone]

She wont LEAVE ME ALONE!!

.<MR SNIPPY WAS HERE>

She is stressing me out majorly and making me feel trapped in my house....
I just can't think of a nice way to tell her to "leave me the fuck alone"

...I feel stuck... and annoyed... and frustrated....*cries* I need my 'space' to de-stress and get balanced every day... and I don't have it anymore... it is making me neurotic and a bit depressed. I'm thinking about skipping out and staying with my mom for a weekend or so...it will be harder on gas. But at least mum gives me space.

but I am rambling now... I go sleep... night.
~Fin~

Do you have a security chain on the door? If not, get and install it. Nothing says that when you answer the door you have to take it off chain, and I bet she cant slip through 4 inches of space =)

And if she cant squeeze her annoying ass in the door, you can simply shut it after saying NO. If she keeps asking make the only word response you have "NO. Go away now' and shut the door. if she knocks again, dont answer it. if she keeps it up for more than 10 minutes, print in nice legible writing large on a piece of paper GO AWAY OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE AS YOU ARE HARASSING ME. Shove it out through a crack at her and slam the door shut again.

have you ever thought of putting a note on the door along the lines of 'I am not answering the door to anybody without an appointment' or Do NOT Disturb. How about NOT answering the door at all? I tend to ignore the door if I am not expecting anybody. I have no issue ignoring someone knocking at the door.

[Red_Dazes]

have you ever thought of putting a note on the door along the lines of 'I am not answering the door to anybody without an appointment' or Do NOT Disturb. How about NOT answering the door at all? I tend to ignore the door if I am not expecting anybody. I have no issue ignoring someone knocking at the door.

We are going out of town this weekend. I was thinking about filching one of the "do not disturb" signs off the hotel room door and putting it up on my handle.

[Kiwi]

you have four options on how to deal with this

1. you let her continue to barge into your life and home and be miserable

2. you just simply stop answering the door even when she knows you are home and she will get the messege eventually, it will be painful when shes banging and calling out and you have no definate way of knowing how long it will take her to clue in

3. you be blunt but polite. when you answer the door and she starts to ask... stand firm and say "sorry but Im busy right now/I don't have time for visitors right now/ Im in the middle of something/no Im sorry you cant ____, then say goodbye" and SHUT THE DOOR, right in her face if you have to.

4. be as direct as you can, next time she comes over say "Im sorry but I simply don't have time for visitors every single day, next time you want to come by please call first so I can tell you if its convient or not".

[One-Fang]

I'm actually with Rayven. You've overheard hubby saying exactly what you're thinking. Corner him. Tell him you're afraid of offending her, because you do like her, generally, but you overheard that, he's exactly right, and can he talk to her and stop her from coming over so often?

[Talon]

Oh man...

She is stressing me out majorly and making me feel trapped in my house....

Is it really that bad?

Then this is the part where I turn into what Jester calls an honest asshole.

Forgive me for being blunt, and I mean no disrespect, but...

I am trying to get up the gusto to just say what needs to be said... but I really hate confrontation in my personal life.

GET OVER IT!

It's a personal pet peeve of mine, nice people letting themselves get steamrolled because they're too afraid to "offend" other people. I should know, I used to be one. I got over it, so can you.

As others have said, next time she comes over and you don't want her company, say so. Be polite, but also be firm and direct. And do NOT make excuses for why you can't have her company now. YOUR house is YOUR domain, you don't owe anyone any f*&#'in explanation for why you can't be alone in YOUR domain.

Now I and others are not suggesting you be an asshole, but in case the worst comes to pass, you may need to be prepared to be an asshole. Such is life, being "nice" is not always in your best interest. Sooner or later someone - even unintentionally - will try to take advantage of you. It's your choice whether you let them steamroll you or not.