Is this normal?

[FuzzyKitten99]

Ok, my boyfriend has 3 kids, one of which is a 10yo girl. She and I get along very well and I treat her like my own daughter, like the one I never had. I love to do girly stuff with her that I can't do with my own two boys.

Anyway, she does some things that I find very odd. Maybe because my dad was never really around so I don't know if this is normal behavior, or maybe just due to her parents' divorce, etc.

She seems unusually attached to her dad. Definitely a daddy's girl but she hangs on him, sits on his lap (she's about 5'2" and about 110lbs, so she's not small-I'm 5'6" & 135), lays on him when he is in his recliner, holds his hand wherever we go, etc. Before I moved in, she used to sleep in his bed with him. Of course that alone might raise red flags, but I know there isn't anything going on that is inappropriate that you might infer from that. I know this because since I have been living here, she now sleeps in the living room on an air mattress, rather than her own room (I still have no idea why she doesn't sleep in there).

I pretty much want to just chalk it up to immaturity and/or insecurity and just her age, but the level of how much she does this just seems excessive to the point of odd. But then again, I never really had my father around so what do I know about normal, huh?

I did ask my boyfriend about this (in a very roundabout way to make sure he wouldnt get defensive) and he said she has always been like this, even when he and her mom were married. He says he does get a little concerned but he has a hard time saying no to her with this stuff. I told him that she will grow up too soon anyway and to soak up the attention, but still, something about it all seems very odd for a girl her age. I guess something about all of it seems just not right as far as my gut feelings, if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts?

[Ratha]

I don't think it's too unusual. I loved to sit on my dad's lap whenever I could, and when I couldn't I'd sit on the arm of his chair or beside the chair with an arm wrapped around his. I did it until I was 16, my older half-sister would sit on his lap sometimes when she came to visit.

[BookstoreEscapee]

It does seem a little odd to me; I was never like that with my dad. There was plenty of father/daughter affection and whatnot but not as excessive as this sounds (never slept in my parents' bed unless there was a thunderstorm, for example, and as soon as I was asleep he put me back in my bed; I don't think I ever slept alone with my dad, except for napping on the couch or something when I was really small). I don't know about at 10 years old...she'll definitely be getting to a point soon enough that this sort of thing may be more clearly inappropriate. Hopefully she'll grow out of it by then. I've seen letters in Dear Abby or similar columns about older teens (16-18) doing the same sorts of things. I can see how it would be hard for dad to disengage from that sort of attention without making her feel like she is being rejected. Does she live with her dad full time? Does she have a good relationship with her mom as well? How recent is the divorce, and was she like this with her dad before? Maybe she is afraid (even subconsciously) of losing him.

As for her sleeping in the living room, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her; next time you're alone doing the "girl thing" why not ask her if there is a reason she doesn't sleep in her own room? (I'm wondering if the living room is closer to dad's room?)

and 5'2" at 10? I hadn't broken 5' by that age..!

[FuzzyKitten99]

Does she live with her dad full time? Does she have a good relationship with her mom as well?

No, only part time. He and his ex have joint custody.

It is hard to say about her relationship with her mom. She definitely is on good terms with mom, but I don't think they are particularly close. This may be why.

As for her sleeping in the living room, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her; next time you're alone doing the "girl thing" why not ask her if there is a reason she doesn't sleep in her own room? (I'm wondering if the living room is closer to dad's room?)

and 5'2" at 10? I hadn't broken 5' by that age..!

BF has asked her, and she doesn't really give a reason. Kind of shrugs & says 'I dunno'... her bedroom is closer to our room because all the bedrooms are upstairs. Living room is downstairs.

Oh, and my BF is 6'2", 270lbs (no, not fat...he benches 420 & is a 2nd degree blackbelt...)

[Sliceanddice]

the lap sitting lay on top of thing isnt weird until shes in her mid teens so dont worry about that, until 13 or 14 most girls dot on their fathers and vice versa and honestly unless she starts being agressive about it, it is different but nor worrisome behavier.
I sat on my father lap alot longer than alot of other people i knew (until i was 7, i was overweigth even as a kid and i would have continued to but his knees where basically pieces of bone sracping against bone) and when i couldn't i sat really really close to him, until my teen years i never ha dmuch of a relationship with my mother, my dad stayed at home and i had no need for my mother, even when i wore maleup for a brief two weeks when i turn 12, i hated.

the sleeping arrangment thing, i would be worried aboutt.

it shows a distenct fear or detactment from her own self, not seeking any sort of privacy.
we are talking prepubesticy hear right when she should be wondering about her body should be trying to make her life and not trying to claim a space of her own in someway is worry some.

but it could just be a quirk too. i cant sleep with my doors open so i could never live a loft or studio but some peoplpe need to feel contectedt o their whole house so sleeping in a more public place or with her father could be part of that need.

you can do alot of thing if it seems like a real issue lik e private space outside her room, maybe setting up a second bed for her or even having her share a rooom or even counciling if their are other disturbing personality quirks, but right now it should be alloud to run her course, until shes.... 13 i think if she hit teenhood and still cant be by her self at night, andthats what i think sleeping in the living room is, then she should diffently seek counsiling.

[BookstoreEscapee]

BF has asked her, and she doesn't really give a reason. Kind of shrugs & says 'I dunno'... her bedroom is closer to our room because all the bedrooms are upstairs. Living room is downstairs.

OK, then I got nuthin'

and honestly unless she starts being agressive about it, it is different but nor worrisome behavier.

At least it sounds like she didn't have a huge problem with not sleeping with dad anymore after you moved in...if her sleeping in the living room isn't a problem for anyone and she really doesn't have a reason for it, it doesn't sound too worrisome. As she gets older she might decide she wants her privacy and move back to her room on her own. Probably not worth forcing the issue at this point.

[thegiraffe]

I wouldn't call it "normal", but I wouldn't call it problematic either. Children, especially those who have experienced trauma such as a divorce, may be a little behind emotionally sometimes. I don't think that how she dotes on her father and vice-versa is unhealthy. That being said however, the sleeping issue is interesting to me. Abnormal sleeping arrangements mean something going on under the surface. A ten year old should really want to sleep in her own bed and her own room. It is disconcerting to me that she slept with her father until recently. It sounds like your bf didn't do a good job of setting that boundary - possibly due to guilt about the divorce?

Anyhow, that's neither here nor there at this point since she has moved out of her father's bed. As others have stated, I'm concerned that she's not searching for her privacy at this point, and that could certainly lead to some awkward moments down the line if she doesn't learn those appropriate boundaries.

If it's feasible, perhaps you guys could spend a weekend making her room "her own"? She could paint it whatever color (or colors) she wants, maybe pick out a new bed spread and some lamps or something....something to make it enticing for her to be in there?

Like I said, I don't see this as incredibly problematic NOW, but I can certainly see how it could quickly turn into one in the next couple years.

Good luck!

[MaggieTheCat]

I don't know about the sleeping with dad deal, but I don't think that sleeping outside of her bedroom is that weird. My parents' house has 4 bedrooms, one for them and one for each of my two brothers and I. My brothers are much older than me so they moved out when I was fairly young, and I bounced between all three bedrooms. Not like one night here, one night there, but I'd spend maybe 6 months in one room and then move to one of the other rooms. I dunno, I guess I just liked change. I never slept in the living room in my parents' house, but when I got my own place, I had a futon set up in my living room and I'd sleep there about 25% of the time just for a change of pace.

Then again, maybe I'm weird.

PS: Now that I think about it, I also used to crawl into bed with my mom early in the morning. My dad used to get up super-early, like around 6:00, but my mom and I would always sleep in when we could, so sometimes I'd get up and crawl in bed with her for an hour or something. I can't remember the last time I spent the whole night with one of my parents, though.

[BookstoreEscapee]

but when I got my own place, I had a futon set up in my living room and I'd sleep there about 25% of the time just for a change of pace.

When I had my own place in PA, I slept in the living room for a good chunk of August just for the air conditioning (slept on an air mattress), since the AC did absolutely nothing for my bedroom. Until one night I thought I saw something crawling on the carpet...I turned on the light to find a ginormous beetle. I ended up sleeping on my bed with no sheets (because I hadn't gotten around to remaking it).

[Jester]

I personally don't think it is that odd necessarily. I haven't seen it in my family, but I have seen some families that were closer than I was used to....but they seemed perfectly fine to me.

As for sleeping outside of one's room, I used to often crash on the living room sofa bed rather than in my own bed in my own room. And that was when I was in my twenties in my own apartment!

and 5'2" at 10? I hadn't broken 5' by that age..!

Hell, no woman in my family will EVER be 5'2"! My mom is 5", my older sister is 5', and my little sister is 4'11" and claims 5' (though no one believes her).

[BookstoreEscapee]

Hell, no woman in my family will EVER be 5'2"! My mom is 5", my older sister is 5', and my little sister is 4'11" and claims 5' (though no one believes her).

I hit about 5'2" by seventh grade or so. (I was the shortest kid in the class until 4th grade when someone shorter came along, but I caught up by middle school.) Then my wild adolescent growth spurt came along and I shot up ...uh... two inches in four years . Stopped growing at 16 and 5'4 1/4" and here I am.

[Jester]

BE, my mother was actually at one point the tallest kid in her class, hitting 5' by the time she was 10. Of course, she never grew another inch after that, and just about everyone else passed her in height. That being said, she has still known something I have never known, that of being the tallest at any time. Hell, I have never even been among the tallest, let alone being THE tallest. Yet another reason I like hanging out with my nieces...they make me feel tall.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Yet another reason I like hanging out with my nieces...they make me feel tall.

I kinda get that feeling when I go out into the warehouse at work...the vast majority of the warehouse employees are Mexican or Central/South American of some sort. Most of the guys aren't a whole lot taller than me, and most of the women are shorter.

Plus I used to babysit a lot so I was always the tallest then (Though my cousin's daughter, who I babysat since she was 2 months old, is almost 13 and has officially been taller than me since at least Christmas.)

[Mr Slugger]

and 5'2" at 10? I hadn't broken 5' by that age..!

My daughter stood at 5 feet around that age. Now she just turned 13 and is 5'8", of course mom is 6'2". Scary thing is she's not the tallest girl in her class, which is good because she's not the one being picked on.

As far as sleeping in the bed. I would definitely that the divorce probably plays a big roll in that. I know my daughter was hard to get out of our bed at 5. (She would sneak in) But when my wife lived at her mom's house her brother and friends thought it was funny to scare the crap out of the two year old when she was sleeping.

[Sliceanddice]

Hell, no woman in my family will EVER be 5'2"! My mom is 5", my older sister is 5', and my little sister is 4'11" and claims 5' (though no one believes her).

im sure ive said it before but when it comes to the women on my dads side im tall (though shorter than Nicki [ who is about 5'8" like her brother or maybe two inches shorter they take after their mother] and my Meimei) and on my moms side im short, no woman is shorter than me there
but by 4th grade i was 5'3" and was the tallest girl in school until 5th when Andrea the 5'5" french girl moved in to our distract...then suddenly every was taller than me