My life sucks.

[NimrodJess]

Oh yes, yes it does. I have a stalker-ish, controlling, overbearing, emotional train wreck of a fiance. If I am sad, he is suspicious. If I am happy, he is suspicious. If I am anything, he is suspicious.

I recently took a 2 day trip to my home town with my kids, but sans fiance. The kids ended up with their daddy, so I got to go out and be a 20-something for once without having to worry about responsibilities of parenting... and fiance was a good boy. He didn't text me more than 5 times a day unless we were having a conversation, he didn't really call much... SO when I came home, I was in a really good mood. He took his to mean that I had SO MUCH FUN without him that I must hate him... then he interpreted it as I had so much fun because I was doing something I didn't want him to know about.

Ugh. Cue the going through my phone, my emails, me messengers, etc. And it's not the first time he's done it. It's a recurring theme where I think things are going peachy and get totally effing blindsided by this crap. It's getting harder and harder to justify continuing things... and it's getting harder and harder to show my affections for fear that I'll just get devastated again a few months down the line.

Anyway, I don't want to hear about how I should leave him, blah blah blah. It's not like that. I just wanted to vent. I love him. I want things to work out. In a perfect worl, we'd be like we were a year ago, before all this crap started happening, and I'll be damned if I am letting that feeling go this easily... but JESUS, I am sick of playing this trust "game" of his.


Yup. FML.




Not to mention, now my internet is being all effing wonky. Maybe I should call it a night.

[Eireann]

You loving him doesn't mean he'll love you. If this is the way he is, you can't change it. He's only going to escalate his behavior, the more you put up with it. In a perfect world, being in love would mean being in love with a person who is emotionally healthy and right for you... but this isn't a perfect world.

And your children will most definitely learn from your example. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself, and for them? Would you want to see your kids, as adults, going through what you're experiencing now?

[Kittish]

What Eireann said.

He's not going to stop, and the only change he'll make is for the worse as time goes on. I know you said you don't want to hear about how you should leave him, but really, think of your kids. Do you REALLY want them growing up around that? Imagine what it'll be like when your fiancee starts doing that sort of crap with THEM. And he will.

You may love him, but his actions say more clearly than words that he doesn't love you.

[BarbieGirl]

He has got some serious issues that he needs to go to counseling to figure out and change. It probably couldn't hurt for you to go to and see why you're willing to submit to this kind of abuse. If he's not willing to put work into the relationship I would be concerned because its a short road to physical abuse, and you don't want to put your kids into that kind of situation.

[Sheldonrs]

What they said.


Situations like this do not change with time, without LOTS of help from therapy.

He will not change once you get married.

And the fact that you had to vent here instead of talking to him about it is not a good sign either.

[tropicsgoddess]

Sounds like he's got WAY more than trust issues, to be honest.

[trailerparkmedic]

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but this is a HUGE warning sign that abuse will come later in the relationship.

Think of what's best for your kids.

[Racket_Man]

I will say this and I have NO quams about saying this:

RUN!!!! NOW!!!! RUN like the citizens of Tokoyo during a Godzillia attack RUN!!!!! FAR AWAY NOW!!!!!

this controlling behavior will ONLY get worse esp if you marry this pile of toxic flesh posing as a human being. he is a jealous unconfident weak little bully waiting to pounce on you. you MAY love him , but he only seees you as a possession to be controlled and isloated from everyone else but himself. he sees you as "property" not a fellow human. you are not in a "loving mutually beneficial co-operative relationship".

Now it may now ONLY (to you small stuff) be rifling through your e-mail, IM messages, and phone records to try and find "find dirt" on you or as you put it "trying to find out if you were doing something you were NOT supposed to be doing/something you did not want him to find out about". what happens next if he starts pulling receipts or checking the mileage on your car to find out if you "really just went to the store"?

from there it will quickly escilate into other much more controlling behavior, further isolating you from friends and family and controlling your life by his "rules"

you yourself said and I quote

It's a recurring theme where I think things are going peachy and get totally effing blindsided by this crap. It's getting harder and harder to justify continuing things... and it's getting harder and harder to show my affections for fear that I'll just get devastated again a few months down the line.

Anyway, I don't want to hear about how I should leave him, blah blah blah. It's not like that. I just wanted to vent. I love him. I want things to work out. In a perfect worl, we'd be like we were a year ago, before all this crap started happening, and I'll be damned if I am letting that feeling go this easily... but JESUS, I am sick of playing this trust "game" of his.

you have CLEARLY seen the warning signs and have noticed things getting worse over a relatively short amount of time. you may have "just wanted to vent" but it is clear you SEE the signs, are disturbed by them, but you choose to IGNORE them. STOP PLAYING HIS GAME NOW. and they are his game, his rules, his control and he can change the game or the rules anytime he wishes to suit HIS likes not yours.

Please do not become one of the stereo-typical new stories. Love is not worth dying for or loosing yourself for.

[taxguykarl]

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but this is a HUGE warning sign that abuse will come later in the relationship.

Think of what's best for your kids.

Listen to TPM on this one...Think twice...make that three times before going any further in this relationship. Fuctional relations are more or less equal and it does not sound like the case for this one.

[Red_Dazes]

I have to say I am with the last two comments. My personal opinion, from experience in this kind of relationship. GET OUT NOW! Love isn't really love if one person can't trust another. It won't work if you feel like you cant go have fun because... *gasp* it might make him upset. You said yourself you don't feel like you can show emotions because of how HE might take it. I'd be willing to bet if someone else here posted the EXACT same thing you just did you would be with everyone telling them to STOP NOW AND GET OUT.

But since you want to make it work. TALK TO HIM about how it makes you feel. Go to a relationship counselor. The Beau and I attended some relationship work classes and it has REALLY helped how things go around here. http://www.marriagefriendlycommunities.org/index.htm I know you aren't in WA, but I'm sure these people would be more than willing to give you advice to help you try and work things out, or point you in the direction of someone in your area who can.

[Amina516]

In a perfect worl, we'd be like we were a year ago, before all this crap started happening,

What happened a year ago to change his actions towards you?

[Eireann]

What happened a year ago to change his actions towards you?

My highly educated guess is, nothing. He was all sweetness and light until they were firmly together, then the dark side came out. It happens all the time - I mean, if a controller jumps in the deep end with the dominating behavior right away, the other person will usually leave. They play it down until the other person is hooked. That's when all the other crap comes to the fore.

[NightWatch]

Woman, you are giving me the chills. This sounds EXACTLY like my ex. This is how it started out, at first he was sweet and charming and funny. Then he started getting suspicious of everything I did, he didn't even believe me when I was going to work. He would accuse me of going off with another guy when I was clearly leaving in my work uniform at the same time/day as I always did. There was a night where I was out with a female friend of mine, she wanted me to come with her to see this guy she liked. Crazy-ass called me while I was there and when I answered he could hear a male voice in the background and instantly jumped to the conclusion that I was screwing someone else. He was very good at degrading my self esteem to the point where I thought I would stay with him forever too, even though I was having the same doubts you've admitted too.

He thought I was "lying" no matter what I did. Like if I thought there was beer in the fridge when there really wasn't, it wasn't a simple mistake. It meant that I was lying to him and why would I do that when I had promised to never lie to him. It was complete psychological warfare and I knew it, but I wouldn't admit it to myself.

I finally snapped out of it when one night he got drunk at a party and he thought I had offended his friend (I didn't, actually) and he ended up trying to kill me. He told me "if I can't have you, no one else can". He obviously thought he owned me. So I called the police, got a restraining order and changed my locks immediately. As in, this shit went down around 3AM and I stayed up til about 5 or 6PM the following day getting all my ducks in a row.

The point? It may stay in this constant cycle of emotional abuse for months, years, or forever. Or he'll snap and you'll be the one to pay the price. I really thought that crazy-ass would never hurt me physically, I was in complete denial about it. But after he hurt me, I started to remember all the little things that were borderline assault. Like the time he grabbed a fistful of my hair when he said he was trying to grab his jack off my shoulder... or the time he tried to leave me in a industrial district alone in the middle of winter at night with no coat, he nearly ran me over with his car. Funny how hindsight is 20/20.

Take it from someone who was there. IT WILL NEVER EVER EVER!!! CHANGE! It will only get worse, and more frequent!

He left me a complete mess who had no faith in herself and absolutely no confidence, which was the total opposite of my normal personality.

What you're doing right now is a huge freaking cry for help, and we're all here telling you that we care about you and that there is something VERY SERIOUSLY WRONG with this man. If you need help, or want someone to talk to, you are more then welcome to PM me.

[AnqeiicDemise]

Oh geez.. I don't know what to say or where to begin. You remind me of my best friend and her manipulative ass of a boyfriend. He accused her of not loving him anymore despite the fact that when he said 'I'm leaving to Nebraska, are you coming with me?" she packed up her belongings, their kids belongings and left.

And why does he think she not love him?

Because she would text me frequently or we'd be online on her off days chatting.

First of all, he had destroyed her first computer to the point we *couldn't* talk for many years. We just started talking again the last month and a half because she finally had time. I mean, funny, how being in a place where she knows NOBODY outside of her man and her kids will free up time to catch up with friends she hasn't seen in years. Its not easy making friends in new places unless you work... and she'd only been in Nebraska for two weeks.

On her third week she got a job and did the mistake of OH MY GOD brushing her hair and applying a bit of lip gloss.

Doesn't that just scream of 'omg, she doesn't love me! she hates me! she's going to leave me!'

So he does the next logical thing and buys her an airline ticket back to CA. This was three days ago and I don't know what's happened. I have the feeling she stupidly told him she'd no longer talk to any of her old friends if he wouldn't send her away because I can't reach her.

And the saddest thing of all? If he had tried this bull six years ago, she would have told him to shove it. The woman I see now is a shadow of the person she used to be; her confidence is out the window. She no longer laughs as much as she used to. She only wears what he wants when he wants it and how he wants it.. she's starting to talk only when he says its okay.

I don't want you down that road. I don't want to see anyone go down that road, period. Psychological warfare is the worst thing in my book because the wounds take so long to heal. There are times when I lose my own strength at times and I'm in a healthy, loving relationship. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd cope with a man like yours.

Get out, honey. You don't need an asshole like him. A man who truly loves and deserves you encourages you to feel good, to look good... to do what it is you need to be in a proper headspace. A man who cares would not go about accusing you of lies. Think of that before you say 'I Do'.

/rant

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Anyway, I don't want to hear about how I should leave him, blah blah blah. It's not like that. I just wanted to vent. I love him. I want things to work out. In a perfect worl, we'd be like we were a year ago, before all this crap started happening, and I'll be damned if I am letting that feeling go this easily... but JESUS, I am sick of playing this trust "game" of his.

1. You're going to hear it anyway, and already have.
2. As mentioned before, just because you love him doesn't mean he'll love you back. Going through your e-mails, your phone, and your other private communications is not "love" in my book.
3. This is not a perfect world. I'm with Eireann here. The reason your fiance was being nice in the beginning was just to win you over. Now that you've gotten so close to marriage, he feels he doesn't have to kiss ass anymore because he's closed the deal.
4. Then don't play his trust game anymore. I don't know you beyond this board, but you deserve so much better in a mate. Nobody deserves to be controlled and stalked and to have to repress their feelings just to continue being in a relationship.

Everybody here's worried about you and wants the best for you.