I just need to get this off my chest

[Cassandra]

My sister just gave birth a few hours ago to my first niece. I do not feel excited in the least bit. Now this bothers me, but I also know that this poor child will not have the most ideal life. See, my sister is not the best at choosing her mate. She is 25 and this guy is 44. Now age is usually not a big problem and if that were the only issue I would not be feeling this way. He is 44 with no steady job, lives with friends because he can not afford anything else, has at least two other children that he is trying to pay child support on, an ex-wife, and he just graduated from the intensive supervision program from jail because of his heroin use and drinking problem. My niece is his newest child.

My sister was fired from her job for being pregnant and unable to stand at the deli longer than the non-stop 8 hours required and she is living with our parents because she has lost the job and her car. She does not have any higher education or many skills. He does not have a high school education and is a jack of all trades and a master of none. Our dad and I agree that this guy is a waste of flesh. Our mom, on the other hand, makes excuses for him.

My sister entered the hospital at 8 in the morning and was already in the first stages of labor. This guy did not show up until after 8 in the evening and stood at least six feet from the bedside staring off into space with his mouth hanging open like he was trying to catch flies. When I walked in to the room and saw this, it literally took every ounce of self control to not just punch him in the face.

Now my sister is thinking about giving her daughter his last name. I am on the verge of not talking to my family over this. My sister deserves better than this douche and refuses to admit it. She is settling. Yes, he should be there for this event because he is the donor of half the child's dna. And yes, I am refusing to call him and man or a father as in my mind he is neither. But let's be real. You do not put a small painting job ahead of the birth of your own child. My husband knows that if we do have kids, he is going to be there from my admission to them wheeling me out in that chair to the car. And he's told me that it would not be any other way.

I can't sleep tonight because I know the rift that is about to open between my family and myself. I have very strong views about this situation and a very large mouth. My mom has already displayed blatant favoritism when she did not help one bit with my wedding last month but has bent over backwards for my sister and the baby. I feel that I am at the end of my rope with this.

I hate to admit it, but when I gazed into the nursery at my niece, I did not feel one bit of happiness or excitement. I just saw her as just another baby. Actually the thought that went through my mind was "that's just another screaming, crying, pooping, mouth to feed." I feel horrible for thinking that, but this child was not born out of love, but out of my sister's need to feel loved. She has always needed to have a male in her life to feel complete. She has always needed to be in some sort of relationship.

This child was conceived because my sister believed the doctors without doubt when they told her she was not able to have children and she did not protect herself from anything. Remember this guy has drug and alcohol abuse in his history. She met him in a halfway house that she hung out with. Yep, my sister used to hang out at a halfway house and dated a few of the guys in the house.

I love my sister and that's why this whole thing bugs me so much. I know that with a little bit of thinking she would not be in this situation. She deserves and can find so much better. I love her and it's why I feel horrible for feeling the way I do. I want to look at my niece and be happy and proud and excited. I feel like a cold freak that I don't feel these things. I have been crying for the last two hours because of this.

I came on here because I need to get the opinions of people not involved in anyway. I want unbiased opinions on this. Please tell me that I am not a cold heartless person for feeling this way. I feel so lost. Thank you for letting me get this out. I need to hear from people that aren't involved because those who are have chosen one side or another and can't give me an unbiased ear to hear me out. I appreciate anything you can give me on this.

[RootedPhoenix]

You're not cold and heartless.

You've said that you're upset about this. If you didn't care at all, you wouldn't be feeling so strongly about this.

I haven't got any advice, but I have digital hugs and kleenex, if you want any. *offers*

[Eireann]

My advice is this:

Stop torturing yourself about the way you feel. You can see the truth of the matter - that your sister has an overwhelming need to be loved, that she chooses the wrong men, that she and the father are incapable (financially and emotionally) of being parents, that your niece most likely has a very hard road ahead of her.

It's not easy, particularly when a loved one is involved. Please don't be offended by this suggestion, but have you thought of seeing a counselor? You and your sister have had an upbringing that causes her to seek love everywhere, and you to feel horrendously guilty about your feelings. You can't make your sister see a counselor, but you can do it yourself, and it will help you come to terms with how you feel and why.

[NightWatch]

My brother is an idiot, a drug addict, a thief, and a violent man. He spawned my nephew 8 years ago and basically disappeared from his life. The nephew's mom is not much better. She is 26 (you do the math), and I recently (at age 21) got to take on her offspring. Now she's off doing fuck know's what and getting into trouble with the law. So, I'm sure if I had been old enough to know better when my nephew was born in the first place, I would have reacted the same way.

My nephew is so desperate for attention and I try my hardest but I know I'm not ready to be a parent, I'm just a much better option then his own mother. So no advice from me, but I am telling you that you are not alone and there is not a single thing wrong with what you feel. Maybe you should consider making an attempt at talking your sister into giving the baby up for adoption? The child would have much higher chance of a bright future. I find the best way to talk a mom into giving up her child is to be completely honest on WHY she needs to give it up. That's how we got my sister-sortof-in-law to turn over my nephew.

[calulu]

Your feelings are your feelings, there is no wrong or right with them, they are yours. You have a right to your feelings without feeling guilty about them.

Sounds to me like you and your dad are the only ones with any common sense in the situation.

Give yourself some time and space from this situation. Sounds like you just need to back off for awhile. I have a funny feeling that your sister and that poor baby are going to need your help.

[Cassandra]

Thank you all for your words. It helps me to know that there are people out there that are willing to offer advise and some form of help to a complete stranger. You guys give me some hope.

I have been to counselors before and haven't really been lucky in the type that I have gotten. They've been quite Freudian in practice and told me that my parents and my sexual history (which isn't much of one) are to blame for my depression and other issues. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia which is a mild form of bi-polar and have been on and off a few meds for it. I've gotten it under control enough that I now get the usually monthly blahs from being a woman that last a few hours on the first day.

I've learned that my sister is like me, extremely hard-headed and stubborn. I spoke my mind about the situation when she first came to me to tell me she was pregnant and I left it at that. I know that the more I tell her he's an ass, the more she will rebel and cling on to him. I now just talk to my dad and husband and a few mutual friends about it.

I woke up this morning with a slightly clearer head. It's hard to see my sister hurt. I was in the room with her, my mom, and this guy for a very short time. Seeing her in physical pain like that unnerved me. But seeing her in this pain and the person that caused it not even offering kind words unnerved me even more. My mom was the one to console and caress my sister through the whole birthing process. I just want to prevent any further hurt to my sister from this guy. And I know that if she doesn't want my help, then I can't help her.

KaySquirrel, you're right. I tend to assess things in a very clinical manner. I tend to think things through in a somewhat scientific sense. I relate most to the character of Bones on the tv show. I understand the science behind a lot of human behaviors and actions, but not always the human side of it.

After getting some sleep last night and reading the responses, I feel a little better. And Calulu, I will be stepping aside from the situation for awhile once they are out of the hospital and home. I have a feeling that you're right and I need to remove myself from this for a bit and be there for my sister and niece when the need arises.

Thanks guys. You all really do give me hope for humanity.

[tropicsgoddess]

My sister just gave birth a few hours ago to my first niece. I do not feel excited in the least bit. Now this bothers me, but I also know that this poor child will not have the most ideal life. See, my sister is not the best at choosing her mate. She is 25 and this guy is 44. Now age is usually not a big problem and if that were the only issue I would not be feeling this way. He is 44 with no steady job, lives with friends because he can not afford anything else, has at least two other children that he is trying to pay child support on, an ex-wife, and he just graduated from the intensive supervision program from jail because of his heroin use and drinking problem. My niece is his newest child.

My sister was fired from her job for being pregnant and unable to stand at the deli longer than the non-stop 8 hours required and she is living with our parents because she has lost the job and her car. She does not have any higher education or many skills. He does not have a high school education and is a jack of all trades and a master of none. Our dad and I agree that this guy is a waste of flesh. Our mom, on the other hand, makes excuses for him.

More like jackass of all trades master of all, to be honest. I don't blame you for feeling that way about the baby and (unfortunately) that sperm donor is the one that gave half of his DNA to her. I won't call him the father either, he doesn't seem worthy of the title. All I can say is you can't help those who aren't willing to help themselves.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I know that the more I tell her he's an ass, the more she will rebel and cling on to him.

That's the problem with being inside the relationship...you have to learn for yourself. Luckily in my case it only ended with me losing a big chunk of money. But my parents saw things that I would have defended had they said anything while I was still in the relationship. Now I can see what a jerk he was.

I have a feeling that you're right and I need to remove myself from this for a bit and be there for my sister and niece when the need arises.

The best you can do is let her know you'll be there for her and your neice if/when she needs your help. Don't say "I told you so," and don't get sucked into any drama.

[jnd4rusty]

I may be wrong but I see this in a different light. I think that you want to feel love and joy at the birth of you niece but subconciously you are holding your feeling at bay because you are very aware of the situation of everyone involved. I think that by keeping yourself from feelings of love and joy of the birth you are then keeping yourself from the pain that you will feel because of the life your niece has been born into and will have to endure. Probably, subconciously you are keeping your feelings as detached as not to endure pain in the future. Anyways that is how I see the situation after what you have said. I believe this is normal. You know what kind of life this child will endure at the hands of your sister and her donor and since there is not a whole lot you can do until your sister wakes up and "smells the coffee", then it is easier for you to not have the feelings that are "normal". Does this make any sense? I am not a doctor, but I have read alot about situations like this.

[Jester]

My sister was fired from her job for being pregnant and unable to stand at the deli longer than the non-stop 8 hours required...

Off topic, that sounds somewhat, oh, I dunno....ILLEGAL? Firing someone because they're pregnant. Please. What decade is that business in?

Our dad and I agree that this guy is a waste of flesh.

Won't get any arguments from me on that one. Sound like you and your father have this dip figured out.

My sister entered the hospital at 8 in the morning and was already in the first stages of labor. This guy did not show up until after 8 in the evening and stood at least six feet from the bedside staring off into space with his mouth hanging open like he was trying to catch flies. When I walked in to the room and saw this, it literally took every ounce of self control to not just punch him in the face.

Okay, we've established that he's a douchemonkey. So his actions should not surprise you. And the only reason I can see not punching him in the face is the time and the place being wrong, i.e., the hospital where your sister just gave birth to his spawn. But you may want to reserve that punch for a later time.

And if you want to convey to this guy just how you feel and what you think of him, in a very effective way, PM me. I have some suggestions that are best not discussed in public.

Now my sister is thinking about giving her daughter his last name. I am on the verge of not talking to my family over this. My sister deserves better than this douche and refuses to admit it. She is settling.

Whatever your feelings about this, the baby's name is frankly none of your business. You wanted unbiased opinions, and mine is that the only people who have any say in a baby's name are (and should be) its parents, no matter how much of a fucktard either or both may be. And while you can see Mr. Wrong for what he is, your sister frankly cannot, and is trying to make everything work out, as she is so in WUV with him, etc., etc., puke-inducing etc. I don't think you should sever family communications over the name, frankly. If you really want to be there for your sister and niece when this clown does what his type usually does, you will stick around and be as supportive as you can stomach being. You can certainly try to help her see the light, as it were, but not talking to your family over the child's name? Honestly, I think that would be a stupid and very selfish move on your part.

My husband knows that if we do have kids, he is going to be there from my admission to them wheeling me out in that chair to the car. And he's told me that it would not be any other way.

And that is because your husband is a far better person than Mr. Wrong. And you are apparently far brighter than your sister. I could defend the dude by saying he obviously needs the money, but his only real defense is that he's a douchebag.

My mom has already displayed blatant favoritism when she did not help one bit with my wedding last month but has bent over backwards for my sister and the baby.

In defense of your mother, this may (I emphasize MAY) be because you have your shit a lot more together than your sister does, and Mom may be helping her out more since she knows that you can take of yourself, while your sister obviously cannot. And she may be defending Mr. Wrong because she is hoping that the idiot actually turns his life around and provides a positive life for Mom's daughter and granddaughter. She is being, perhaps blindly, very optimistic.

I hate to admit it, but when I gazed into the nursery at my niece, I did not feel one bit of happiness or excitement. I just saw her as just another baby.

This makes sense. You know this baby is probably in for much heartache and pain from her "parents," so you are trying to keep your feelings at bay so that you don't rip your heart out over it. Makes perfect sense to me. Doesn't make you cold, makes you caring, and just trying to keep from being too caring.

I love her and it's why I feel horrible for feeling the way I do. I want to look at my niece and be happy and proud and excited.

And maybe one day you will, if you are there for her and help her in ways her parents either can't or won't.