My life, again

[Eireann]

A friend asked me yesterday: "Are you sure you're not in the Anger process?"

I blew it off at the time, but later that evening, I realized that he was right. Ever since I got the news about my mom, I've been carrying around a huge load of anger, and I've been cultivating it. I've had an enormous attitude, and other people have borne the brunt of it. Ridiculous and stupid though the "managers" at work are, I've still been expecting to get my own way in everything, then sitting around and seething and bitching about the way they run things, and how they never listen. (They don't, of course, but that doesn't mean I have to stew in it; I can just GET OUT.)

So, with that in mind, I approached today with a more even temper, and a lot of sadness. So what do I get?

A message from a friend who just keeps pushing and pushing and PUSHING me to go see Mom. She's worried that I'll regret it if I don't. She talks about how much Mom would love to see all of us. (She can't; even if I went out there now, the whole family would not be together.) She wants me to think of Mom's feelings.

So, I have a little advice for those who know someone who is going through a similar situation:

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Really. I'm not kidding. Let the person know that you are there if s/he wants to talk, and leave it at that. Hugs are always welcome. A helping hand with the housework, a shoulder to cry on, these are good. But for the love of the entire universe, do NOT state that the wishes/feelings/whatever of the not-yet-departed are superior to those of the person left behind. Do NOT pull guilt trips about "I think you'll regret it..." Do NOT put even MORE stress on a situation that is unbearably stressful.

Simply put, whatever you're thinking, SHUT UP.

[Soulstealer]

Really. I'm not kidding. Let the person know that you are there if s/he wants to talk, and leave it at that. Hugs are always welcome. A helping hand with the housework, a shoulder to cry on, these are good. But for the love of the entire universe, do NOT state that the wishes/feelings/whatever of the not-yet-departed are superior to those of the person left behind. Do NOT pull guilt trips about "I think you'll regret it..." Do NOT put even MORE stress on a situation that is unbearably stressful.

They mean well but they don't realize it's not right for your feelings to be sacrificied for someone else's. Yes the situation sucks but it's not one anyone will understand unless they're in a similar position. So if you don't want to see your mom don't, you have the option if you change your mind but it's important that you not forget about your own emotional well being too.

As for your friend trying to push you into seeing her. Tell her to stop it, obviously she doesn't get that it's not making you want to see your mom so much that it's causing resentment between you and the friend. And if you do regret it later on this is your choice by your past actions. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life if you're not a serial killer.

[Broomjockey]

So if you don't want to see your mom don't, you have the option if you change your mind

From the previous thread, I thought it was a money issue. If it is a money issue, harping on it is about the worst thing a friend could do. After all, it's not exactly a choice in not going, it's a necessity. Going on about how you should go just reinforces the helplessness angle, and with all the other stuff Eirann's put up with lately, the last thing needed is someone harping on something that can't change.

If it is a desire to not see her though, rather than money, then my advice is this: some people just can't imagine that a relationship with family can't be patched up, and that there's no way it can be permanently broken, and so they go and think to themselves "when they get over whatever the problem is, they'll be sorry, so I should make them do what's best for them." So ignore it. They don't know, and in cases like this they can't know what you're going through. Write it off as similar to a total stranger spouting off.

If it's money, though, the answer is much more straight forward: Next time they say it say "Fine, will you pay for my airfare, lodgings, and food, and rental car?" Since that's a bill of probably $1k+, they'll say something like "I can't afford that!" and you reply "Neither can I." Anyone with an ounce of grace and intelligence will drop it after that.

[Eireann]

This friend did offer to help me get there; she said that with the help of her own family, she was sure they could get me a ticket. And my relationship with Mom is fine. Yes, there is the fact that even if my friend did help to get me out there, I wouldn't have enough spending money. This is true. The even bigger issue, though, is that I just can't bring myself to go out and see her, with the words "for the last time" flying around my head. The last time I saw her, she knew who I was and why I was there. This time, she wouldn't even know. I couldn't stand that. I couldn't stand going there for lots of reasons, none of which I need to explain to my well-meaning but overbearing friend. The guilt trip really gets to me; the "you'll regret it" and "one last hug" and especially - she really did say this - "it would mean so much to her."

Well, no, it wouldn't. It wouldn't mean a thing. She wouldn't remember it later that day, let alone a week afterward. I've read some bad things in my time, but that may well be the worst. Would she do it if her mother were the one involved? It doesn't matter; this is happening to me, not to her. She's regarded my mom as a second mother, so she is feeling some of what I'm feeling now, but at the end of the day, her own mother is still there, still coherent, still independent. She can't see it from my viewpoint, because she's not me. I hope that my last response causes an end to this borderline harassment.

[Sheldonrs]

Some of the best advice I've ever read on this subject came from Dear Abby many years ago. She said to tell the person you're so sorry about this, let them know you're there if they need you and then shut up.