A friend asked me yesterday: "Are you sure you're not in the Anger process?"
I blew it off at the time, but later that evening, I realized that he was right. Ever since I got the news about my mom, I've been carrying around a huge load of anger, and I've been cultivating it. I've had an enormous attitude, and other people have borne the brunt of it. Ridiculous and stupid though the "managers" at work are, I've still been expecting to get my own way in everything, then sitting around and seething and bitching about the way they run things, and how they never listen. (They don't, of course, but that doesn't mean I have to stew in it; I can just GET OUT.)
So, with that in mind, I approached today with a more even temper, and a lot of sadness. So what do I get?
A message from a friend who just keeps pushing and pushing and PUSHING me to go see Mom. She's worried that I'll regret it if I don't. She talks about how much Mom would love to see all of us. (She can't; even if I went out there now, the whole family would not be together.) She wants me to think of Mom's feelings.
So, I have a little advice for those who know someone who is going through a similar situation:
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Really. I'm not kidding. Let the person know that you are there if s/he wants to talk, and leave it at that. Hugs are always welcome. A helping hand with the housework, a shoulder to cry on, these are good. But for the love of the entire universe, do NOT state that the wishes/feelings/whatever of the not-yet-departed are superior to those of the person left behind. Do NOT pull guilt trips about "I think you'll regret it..." Do NOT put even MORE stress on a situation that is unbearably stressful.
Simply put, whatever you're thinking, SHUT UP.
I blew it off at the time, but later that evening, I realized that he was right. Ever since I got the news about my mom, I've been carrying around a huge load of anger, and I've been cultivating it. I've had an enormous attitude, and other people have borne the brunt of it. Ridiculous and stupid though the "managers" at work are, I've still been expecting to get my own way in everything, then sitting around and seething and bitching about the way they run things, and how they never listen. (They don't, of course, but that doesn't mean I have to stew in it; I can just GET OUT.)
So, with that in mind, I approached today with a more even temper, and a lot of sadness. So what do I get?
A message from a friend who just keeps pushing and pushing and PUSHING me to go see Mom. She's worried that I'll regret it if I don't. She talks about how much Mom would love to see all of us. (She can't; even if I went out there now, the whole family would not be together.) She wants me to think of Mom's feelings.
So, I have a little advice for those who know someone who is going through a similar situation:
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Really. I'm not kidding. Let the person know that you are there if s/he wants to talk, and leave it at that. Hugs are always welcome. A helping hand with the housework, a shoulder to cry on, these are good. But for the love of the entire universe, do NOT state that the wishes/feelings/whatever of the not-yet-departed are superior to those of the person left behind. Do NOT pull guilt trips about "I think you'll regret it..." Do NOT put even MORE stress on a situation that is unbearably stressful.
Simply put, whatever you're thinking, SHUT UP.
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