Sucky Customers in Movies

[Ben_Who]

This is the sort of mental exercise I think up when I don't have enough to do. Customer interaction in movies is almost always portrayed as some kind of conflict, and the sympathies are always with the point-of-view character. Here are two scenes from movies, retold as Customers Suck posts:

--

(Warning: Slightly NSFW)

I've got just twenty minutes left on my overnight shift when this guy walks into the diner. He's got three girls with them. There's one brain cell among the lot of them, and you can probably guess who it belongs to.

Me:
SC: Mr. Smartass

The guy orders a plain omelette with some substitutions, but then he wants a side of toast. Now, we're only allowed to put in orders for what's on the menu - it's a short-order thing - and we've got other breakfasts that have a side of toast, but the omelette isn't one of them, especially since he's loading it up with substitutions. I'm not going to take a chance of Frank the Chef costing me my tip by spitting in this guy's food, so I try to tell him that we don't have toast as a side. I offer him an English muffin or a coffee roll, but nope, dude wants his toast...

Don't you just love it when SC's try to use logic puzzles to get their way?

SC: What do you mean you don't make side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don't you?
Me: Would you like to talk to the manager?
SC: ...You've got bread and a toaster of some kind?
Me: I don't make the rules.
SC: OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an omelette, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
Me: A number two, chicken sal san, hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?
SC: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.

Right.

Me: (Incredulous) You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
SC: I want you to hold it between your knees.

All right, that's it. I pointed to the sign above the counter ("We reserve the right to refuse service") and tell him to get out, because I was officially done with his crap. He looks at me from under Satan's eyebrows and says, "You see THIS sign?" and sweeps all the glasses off the table before storming out, the three laughing bimboes in tow.

And guess who had to clean up all the broken glass?

To be honest, I might have done as he said - getting tipped for a whole sandwich in exchange for two pieces of heated bread is his deal, not mine, but if he was just going to be a dick about it, he was out.

--

And then there's this classic cinematic masterpiece:

--

Cluster-F Bomb

The Thanksgiving holiday weekend sure attracts the traveling weirdos...

No sooner had I logged in at my workstation than this guy walks in the door, looking like a homeless man and not a little intoxicated. The glare he gives me across the counter would have burned a hole in the wall. I'm not yet in a mood for putting up with SC's, and it looks like he's the first one of the day.

When I ask if I can help him, he says "Yes," in a voice that I can only describe as EVIL. His gaze doesn't waver, and I wonder whether his tiptoe through the intoxicants stopped at mere alcohol. The trouble is, he doesn't elaborate. Already knowing that this is going into the weeds, I sally forth: "How may I help you?"

In a smarmy, sneering tone, he says, "Well, you can start by wiping that stupid fucking smile off your stupid fucking face."

I now have one hand on the phone, ready to call security. Fortunately, the counter is still between us. "I don't much care for your tone," I say, wondering how fast I can hit the auto-dial.

He starts ranting about how we gave him the keys to a car that wasn't there, sending him by shuttle across the airport grounds (to be fair, it's a huge airport) to our rental lot, only to abandon him without any way back, and how he had tromped through hill and dale, thither and yon, and across a "fucking runway" to get back to the rental offices.

Now, screwups happen. I'll be the first to admit that. And it's possible that he may have gotten a mislabeled key. And been unable to stop the shuttle before it left. And forgotten to use the convenience phones we have at the lot to summon back the shuttle bus with the proper key. And didn't talk to the guy at the security kiosk there. And broken every FAA rule in the book by walking across the RUNWAY (I still don't know why security didn't chase him down) to get back to the rental office.

So he basically went through this epic quest to get to the office for nothing, and has decided to blame me personally for it. Like I have a) any control over the geography of the airport or b) am responsible for the condition of his cheap suit. What's more, he delivers this rant in an eerie monotone that's setting off a serial killer vibe.

I just keep my face blank, trying very, very hard not to laugh, and say, "May I see your rental agreement?" God help me, I should have thrown him out on the spot, but I was feeling charitable. Hey, the holidays...

"I threw it away," he grumbles.

Oh, boy. Without that rental agreement, he can't prove that he had any interaction with our company whatsoever. At all. And he expects us to just hand him the keys to a five thousand dollar automobile. Yeah, that'll definitely happen.

"Oh, boy, what?" he says.

I grinned. "You're fucked," I say, and pick up the phone to throw his ass out.

Well, at least I got to see my family this weekend. Big Midwestern Thanksgiving. Fortunately, I remembered the miniature marshmallows for the ambrosia. It's always the details...

--

So pick your favorite scenes from movies and rewrite them as CS posts. Are the customers really being sucky? Both Jack and Steve in the examples above crossed the line somewhere in the proceedings. Write 'em "blind" and try to get people to guess which movie you've stolen borrowed from.

Love, Who?

[Jester]

Yes, Jack and Steve crossed the line. But in both cases, the company and/or its representative had been pretty sucky to them. Trust me when I tell you that I have been Jack, I have been Steve, and I was justified.

That being said, I'll shut up now, sit back with my garlic popcorn, and watch the movie scenes turned into CS.com posts. This should be fun!

[Hobbs]

What movies were these?

[Jester]

In the OP, the first SC was Jack Nicholson in the most famous scene from "Five Easy Pieces." The second SC was Steve Martin in "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles."

[Hobbs]

Oh, that's why. Never seen those movies.

[SG15Z]

haha, Oh that's good. Jack was a dick in that scene, but the waitress wasn't any better. Still I need to think of a movie so I can play this game!

[AdminAssistant]

Customer interaction in movies is almost always portrayed as some kind of conflict, and the sympathies are always with the point-of-view character.

I can think of one classic example where it's not: the diner scene in Reservoir Dogs.

[Nurian]

I don't know if this is sucky. I told the guy "No", but...well..

So, I'd been working all day, dealing with local idiots and idiots that seem to just migrate to my diner just because I'm here. Just after the kitchen closed, two guys, a big one and a little one step in. I go to their table and I notice a huge red mark on the big guy's face.

Me:
BG: Big guy
LG: Little guy

Me: My God, what happened to your face?
BG: (to little guy) See? SEE? I told you.
LG: (smirks)

I take their order. The LG wants a cocktail shrimp bowl, no problem. The BG says he wants wings. I tell him the kitchen is closed. He says he'd really like some wings.

Me: Okay, let me check. Yup kitchen's closed.

What follows is....almost indescribable. First he starts saying how he and I are alike because we're both in sales. Then he starts shaking, calling himself "Joe-joe, the Idiot Circus Boy"!
He picks up a roll calling it his pet. He says "The pet is my sale!" He starts cooing at it as if it were alive. I'm starting to here, but I was mesmerized. He then starts calling it naughty....and rips it in half. He seems horrified and starts yelling "I KILLED IT! I KILLED MY SALE!" EVERYONE in the diner starts looking over. He throws both pieces on the table and says, "And that's when I blow it." I just stare at him. Then, I realized he was having a pretty hard time, worse than me.

Me: My God, you're sick. I'll go back to the kitchen and fry some wings up for you.

The least I could do. He was normal after that, even a little happier. Got a good tip, too

[RayvenQ]

Thread title reminds me of this scene from Postal, which I cheered when I saw it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg6x6bSCts4

[Nurian]

You know, I never thought about it, but the movies I see usually don't have this scenario...odd.

I thought my contribution to this thread would have been guessed by now :-/

[Pedersen]

Nurian: I did guess, just didn't post. Tommy Boy.

[Nurian]

Nurian: I did guess, just didn't post. Tommy Boy.

One of the best parts of that movie, too :P

[Ben_Who]

Just another day at Mr. smiley's, when a customer comes through the drive-thru. There's nothing unusual about the order: Smiley Burger with curly fries, "Make it two!" and the sounds of a couple having a good time.

Then I notice that the new co-worker, Les, who's also tapped into the drive-thru system, has gotten a strange look on his face. I don't think much about it until I've prepared the order and I'm taking it to the window. Before I get to the kiosk, he takes both bags from me without a word and stands holding them at the window, still as a mannequin. Someone's laughing and giggling inside the car.

Then, suddenly, he says, "Smile! You're at Smiley's!"

I look inside the car, and there's a middle aged woman and a slightly younger man, looking at Les with undisguised horror. Everyone freezes. You could have heard a pin drop on silk. Somewhere, a dog barked. Someone else is at the speaker, but I'm kind of tuning him out now.

"Would you like to try our new beef'n'cheese pot pie on a stick, just $1.99 for a limited time only?" Les says, in a voice that could freeze a flame.

"We--we were just at a seminar--" blurts the woman. Knowing what's going on would be nice right about now, and besides, I'm not taking any more orders with this minivan wedged in the drive-thru, so I watch. I only wish I had popcorn.

The woman tries to salvage: "Uh...Bob, this is...this is..."

"Her husband," says Les.

Oh boy.

"We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time," says Lester. His tone is almost conversational. The guy in the car looks much as an elk looks just before the eighteen-wheeler makes contact. I look at Les, and then at the minivan. Wild horses couldn't have kept me from saying, "Boy, you are so busted."

She looks at me with a look that could curdle milk and says, "Excuse me, young lady, I don't see how this is any of your business."

Oh, no, she di'n't. Before I can retort, Les says, "Actually, she's the senior directing manager, so you are on her turf." Hooray for Les! "So. This makes sense."

The woman goes for sympathy. "Lester," she says, in a heartbroken tone.

"No, no," says Les. "I want you to be happy. Would you like Smiley Sauce with that?"

"Lester, just stop it!" cries the woman.

"No no," says Les. "You don't get to tell me what to do. Ever again."

And he holds out the bags.

The minivan speeds off without taking the order. I was a little annoyed that we had to trash out the order, but it was worth it to watch such a masterful performance.

--Janine

[Jester]

I love that movie, love that scene. That is maybe my second favorite Lester moment, right after "1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!"

[hinakiba777]

Alright, so I've said this before, but I am so sick of CSs and EWs whining about the names on sizes. I'm fully aware of how weird it is to have alternate titles for sizes, but I hear it all the time.

So anyway, this guy walks in with his girlfriend, or wife or whatever. I put on my signature smile, wish them a good morning, and ask to take their order. The woman asks for a Tall Chai and the guy asks for a Large Black Coffee. Dude, we have like 16 different kinds of beans, so I was hoping he'd be more specific. I asked him wanted a venti, but he says he wants a large. His girlfriend says he wants to largest one we have, and I tell him that a venti is a large. I say this as sweetly as possible, hoping I can finish the order and get to the next customer.

But the jerk just won't let it go. He starts making a huge rant about how Tall and Grande mean large, but Venti does not. By this point I can't pretend to be sweet anymore and I just end up saying; "Listen dick, a Venti is a large."

The guy get dragged off ranting by his girlfriend, as she hands me a ten and tells me to keep the change.

For the record, it's called a Venti because the largest cup holds 20 ounces of liquid. A fact, that the girl yelled a dick boy before stomping out of the cafe.

I really hate guy's like that.