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OK, she's not really broken, and it could be a lot worse and I truly know this is not my fault but I can't help feeling guilty over it.
Maybe I should blame the Man, lol.
This is my youngest, the one I mentioned in another thread that I originally didn't want. The one that is now my shadow, my little fighter that makes my heart celebrate everyday. She is 4.
In November 2008, it became clear to me that something was not right. She was 2 1/2 and not talking. I'd noticed her lack of speech months before, but I had other late talkers that were just fine. Every kid develops at their own rate. And I already knew that DD4 was a late bloomer. She didn't walk until she was 16 months old (she was 90th percentile for height and 20th for weight and had tiny feet). She couldn't feed herself her own birthday cake on her 1st birthday. And she was a very serious baby - she rarely smiled and didn't laugh until she was 2. She was very different from her older siblings. I think we knew from birth that she was different (and not in a bad way).
So that November, I called an early intervention center for an evaluation, and her pediatrician. She also went to an ENT for a hearing test. Her pediatrician couldn't find anything physically wrong with her, the early intervention people noticed her delay and started play therapy, and she failed the hearing tests. Because of insurance delays, she wasn't able to get the definitive testing done on her hearing until February 2009. That was a very emotionally draining day for me. Did I mention she was a fighter? Took 2 doses of the sedative to knock her out. She fought sleep so hard before she was out. It was like a 1 hour long tantrum, and it's hard to see your child fight a battle you know they won't win. She ended up with bruises on her head from all the thrashing. Anyway, the test let us know where the problem was. She had fluid in her ears - and apparantly really tiny ear canals because they had to use the newborn probes on her. She had never had an ear infection before. A month later, she had the surgery to put the tubes in (the tiniest they could find) - a week before her 3rd birthday, and then finally passed a hearing test. And she also started preschool because she was aging out of early intervention.
We noticed a difference right away. She was reacting differently because she could hear us. She was trying to repeat everything she heard. But her speech development seemed to be going so slow. There was no preschool in the summer, but I did notice her picking up some words. She started school again in the fall and about a month later, her special ed teacher and speech therapist approached me with the possibility of moving her to a different school. The school district had overbooked the classroom and in their words, the class was becoming "too big to function." So I moved her. It was a smaller class and there was only one other special ed kid in the class.
I should also mention that around the time we started this whole ordeal, she started to loosen up and become social - and smile! So she charmed everyone she worked with. They all love her. They all have lots of good things to say about her. Her speech therapist tells me that she's a delight to work with, but also that she has no patience and is stubborn as hell (I know that all too well). So I'm sure that is hindering her therapy some, when she wants to do something else. They know that at this age, they have to keep activities/exercises to no more than a few minutes at a time, so I don't think they are pushing too much on her. But it's got me wondering if there is not something else wrong with her. She has low muscle tone in her mouth, I've known that all along. And when I brought it up with the speech therapist, she gave me a bunch of exercises that would help, like blowing on a whistle, blowing bubbles, putting peanut butter on the back of her front teeth and make her find it with her tongue, putting sprinkles on her lips, etc.
Like I said, she makes my heart celebrate everyday. Everytime she talks to me and I can clearly understand, it brings a tear to my eye. And as impatient as she can often be, she shows quite a bit with me when I can't understand her and she tries to repeat it multiple times until I get it (I feel like I'm bilingual sometimes, lol). Still, I feel that she should be talking so much better than she is at this point. It's been a year since the tubes.
Last Christmas, she had some bloody drainage from one of her ears. It wasn't a lot, just enough to make a mess. We had been travelling and she had been complaining that her ears were popping. I called the ENT when we returned home and he couldn't see her for a couple of weeks but prescribed some drops for her ears. A week later, she got quite ill and I took her to the pediatrician and he discovered she had an ear infection - her first ever, and gave us antibiotics. She saw the ENT at recheck time and he saw that there was fluid in her ears and said it could be chronic or residual and wanted to wait and see what happened. She failed the hearing test again. In March, he saw her again. He could see that the tubes had come out of place, but were still in her canals. That's normal 9-15 months post-op. One ear was perfect, but the other was still having issues. It was better, but not completely. We decided to wait and see again. Today it was the same thing. He didn't see fluid this time, but the audiologist said she had retraction in her right ear. She explained to to me like her ear needed to pop, but couldn't. So there is negative pressure in her eardrum. The ENT thinks we should put another tube in that ear. This time I wasn't so eager to jump on that bandwagon because I'm feeling guilty about being a little to eager to put her through all these procedures involving anesthesia previously. He really is an excellent doctor and does not push anything on me. He has always fully explained the reasons why he thinks she needs certain things, so I know he is taking everything into account. But I told him I wanted to talk to her speech therapist first. I don't really know why I felt that way. I talked to the Man on our way out and he feels that she should have it done, and he has valid reasons for that.
So I cried on the way home because my little fighter is broken. And I can't help but feel like it's my fault (though I know it's not). The reason I joked that it was the Man's fault is because he is studying psychology. He shares things he learns with me. Some of the reasons he gave me for not putting off another tube are things he's studied. One night he says to me, "hey, look at this!" and reads to me about how mothers that suffer depression during pregnancy tend to have children with developmental delays. I had horrible depression with DD4's pregnancy. I told him "gee thanks. That's supposed to make me feel better?" And he had to pull his foot out of his mouth. We had a lot of issues surrounding the pregnancy into a few months after her birth because of depression.
So while her issue is relatively minor, I can't help but feel saddened that she has to struggle so. And I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented it.
Me and my shadow
Maybe I should blame the Man, lol.
This is my youngest, the one I mentioned in another thread that I originally didn't want. The one that is now my shadow, my little fighter that makes my heart celebrate everyday. She is 4.
In November 2008, it became clear to me that something was not right. She was 2 1/2 and not talking. I'd noticed her lack of speech months before, but I had other late talkers that were just fine. Every kid develops at their own rate. And I already knew that DD4 was a late bloomer. She didn't walk until she was 16 months old (she was 90th percentile for height and 20th for weight and had tiny feet). She couldn't feed herself her own birthday cake on her 1st birthday. And she was a very serious baby - she rarely smiled and didn't laugh until she was 2. She was very different from her older siblings. I think we knew from birth that she was different (and not in a bad way).
So that November, I called an early intervention center for an evaluation, and her pediatrician. She also went to an ENT for a hearing test. Her pediatrician couldn't find anything physically wrong with her, the early intervention people noticed her delay and started play therapy, and she failed the hearing tests. Because of insurance delays, she wasn't able to get the definitive testing done on her hearing until February 2009. That was a very emotionally draining day for me. Did I mention she was a fighter? Took 2 doses of the sedative to knock her out. She fought sleep so hard before she was out. It was like a 1 hour long tantrum, and it's hard to see your child fight a battle you know they won't win. She ended up with bruises on her head from all the thrashing. Anyway, the test let us know where the problem was. She had fluid in her ears - and apparantly really tiny ear canals because they had to use the newborn probes on her. She had never had an ear infection before. A month later, she had the surgery to put the tubes in (the tiniest they could find) - a week before her 3rd birthday, and then finally passed a hearing test. And she also started preschool because she was aging out of early intervention.
We noticed a difference right away. She was reacting differently because she could hear us. She was trying to repeat everything she heard. But her speech development seemed to be going so slow. There was no preschool in the summer, but I did notice her picking up some words. She started school again in the fall and about a month later, her special ed teacher and speech therapist approached me with the possibility of moving her to a different school. The school district had overbooked the classroom and in their words, the class was becoming "too big to function." So I moved her. It was a smaller class and there was only one other special ed kid in the class.
I should also mention that around the time we started this whole ordeal, she started to loosen up and become social - and smile! So she charmed everyone she worked with. They all love her. They all have lots of good things to say about her. Her speech therapist tells me that she's a delight to work with, but also that she has no patience and is stubborn as hell (I know that all too well). So I'm sure that is hindering her therapy some, when she wants to do something else. They know that at this age, they have to keep activities/exercises to no more than a few minutes at a time, so I don't think they are pushing too much on her. But it's got me wondering if there is not something else wrong with her. She has low muscle tone in her mouth, I've known that all along. And when I brought it up with the speech therapist, she gave me a bunch of exercises that would help, like blowing on a whistle, blowing bubbles, putting peanut butter on the back of her front teeth and make her find it with her tongue, putting sprinkles on her lips, etc.
Like I said, she makes my heart celebrate everyday. Everytime she talks to me and I can clearly understand, it brings a tear to my eye. And as impatient as she can often be, she shows quite a bit with me when I can't understand her and she tries to repeat it multiple times until I get it (I feel like I'm bilingual sometimes, lol). Still, I feel that she should be talking so much better than she is at this point. It's been a year since the tubes.
Last Christmas, she had some bloody drainage from one of her ears. It wasn't a lot, just enough to make a mess. We had been travelling and she had been complaining that her ears were popping. I called the ENT when we returned home and he couldn't see her for a couple of weeks but prescribed some drops for her ears. A week later, she got quite ill and I took her to the pediatrician and he discovered she had an ear infection - her first ever, and gave us antibiotics. She saw the ENT at recheck time and he saw that there was fluid in her ears and said it could be chronic or residual and wanted to wait and see what happened. She failed the hearing test again. In March, he saw her again. He could see that the tubes had come out of place, but were still in her canals. That's normal 9-15 months post-op. One ear was perfect, but the other was still having issues. It was better, but not completely. We decided to wait and see again. Today it was the same thing. He didn't see fluid this time, but the audiologist said she had retraction in her right ear. She explained to to me like her ear needed to pop, but couldn't. So there is negative pressure in her eardrum. The ENT thinks we should put another tube in that ear. This time I wasn't so eager to jump on that bandwagon because I'm feeling guilty about being a little to eager to put her through all these procedures involving anesthesia previously. He really is an excellent doctor and does not push anything on me. He has always fully explained the reasons why he thinks she needs certain things, so I know he is taking everything into account. But I told him I wanted to talk to her speech therapist first. I don't really know why I felt that way. I talked to the Man on our way out and he feels that she should have it done, and he has valid reasons for that.
So I cried on the way home because my little fighter is broken. And I can't help but feel like it's my fault (though I know it's not). The reason I joked that it was the Man's fault is because he is studying psychology. He shares things he learns with me. Some of the reasons he gave me for not putting off another tube are things he's studied. One night he says to me, "hey, look at this!" and reads to me about how mothers that suffer depression during pregnancy tend to have children with developmental delays. I had horrible depression with DD4's pregnancy. I told him "gee thanks. That's supposed to make me feel better?" And he had to pull his foot out of his mouth. We had a lot of issues surrounding the pregnancy into a few months after her birth because of depression.
So while her issue is relatively minor, I can't help but feel saddened that she has to struggle so. And I can't help but wonder if I could have prevented it.
Me and my shadow
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